Narration Irritation 2: French Lemonade

"Come on, Harry," Fleur's voice carried from across the room, atop the magnificent 4-poster bed. Waves of the Veela Alure shimmered along the room.

Harry, however, didn't even seem to notice; he was standing on the opposite side of the room, staring upwards in disbelief.

"Yeah, Harry," Luna's voice called out in a dreamlike sing-song. "You were so eager to get us into bed - and now, here we are, and you're gazing up at the ceiling and not at our magnificent, scantily-clad bodies."

"Not at the ceiling," Harry replied back, not moving his eyes. "It's just... well..."

And so the two ladies looked up as well.

"Ah," Fleur said. "You are worried that ze title is 'French Lemonade', and zat Luna will not be given as much consideration, will be a third wheel. It eez very thoughtful of you, 'arry'."

"That's not why I'm worried!" Harry half-shouted. "Look below that, where it says whose going to be part of this adventure: Harry P., Luna L., Fleur D... and Argus F...

"Argus F?" Fleur asked. "Zat has you worried? I had just assumed that was some sort of english love-making move, and that the 'F' stood for something inappropriate."

"Oooh," Luna squealed. "Is Harry going to give us a good ol' Argus Fu..."

"Filch," Harry angrily said. "As in, Argus Filch, the hideous cantankerous caretaker, who has to be in the top 5 people I do not want to ever associate with sex."

"Do you suppose he's hiding somewhere and will join us partway through our marathon of lovemaking?" Luna asked curiously.

"No!" Harry angrily said.

"Well, if you are not worried about zat happening," Fleur said throatily, "then perhaps you should begin disrobing."

"When I said 'No', what I meant was, I'm not going to have... well... sex... with the possibility of Filch showing up."

"Perhaps he eez a villain?" Fleur offered. "Ze antagonist to our bedroom romp?"

"How would that work?" Luna asked. "He steals one of us away and the remaining two have to use the powers of ritualistic lovemaking to thwart him?" Her voice got awfully excited towards the end; clearly Luna's preferences ran a little on the strange side.

"If it eez," Fleur said haughtily, "zen you must be ze one taken, Luna; Harry and I will zave you."

"No," Luna protested. "if there is ritualistic lovemaking, it'll be Harry and I doing it."

"Ze title is 'French Lemonade'" Fleur pointed out, puffing out her bust a bit.

Harry, however, was looking a bit skittish. "I... listen, Filch being involved makes this a lot harder..."

"I had no idea he turned you on li..."

"No that sort of harder!" Harry sputtered. "I mean, I'm not going to be able to think about... you know... when I'm thinking about Filch."

"I think I shall take zat as a challenge," Fleur said, pulling Harry atop the bed and nestling her lips into his neck.

"I don't think it's as bad as you think," Luna said, beginning to run her hands over Harry's chest. "What do we really know about Filch? He has anger issues he needs to work through and he has well-oiled chains. Lemons have started with far less than that."

Harry let out a half-scream, scampering off the bed. "I... no... listen. We're not going to do anything right now, because as soon as we start, the fourth character will appear."

"How do you know he will not wait until afterwards?" Luna asked. "Maybe this is just Act I in a longer epic-length story?"

"With Filch as the villain?!"

Fleur glared up at him. "So let me make sure I understand, englishman. Luna and I are here, upon your bed, wearing as little as possible, and offering to let you do whatever you will upon us for as long as you want... and you are saying 'no'. Truly?"

Harry swallowed. When she put it that way... what on earth was he thinking?! Of course he was going to ravage them for hours upon end...

... until the image of Filch's acne-covered, greasy-haired, droopy-eyed visage swam into his imagination.

"Aagh!" Harry shouted in frustrtion and panic, fleeing from the room.

"Zat was strange."

"Up for some ritualistic lovemaking while he's away?"

Author's Note: A reader pointed out to me that I messed up on the Story Info and accidentally added 'Argus Filch' in as a character - sorry for the bad metadata.

Harry blinked. "You son of a..."

(Real) Author's Edit: This series is continued in Narration Irritation 3: Lemon Bones; however, it is rated M (it's still parody, but it's explicit.)