"At this rate, you won't even be able to cross the river once your time comes. Repent while you still can."
"Feh! Mind yer own business, ya shrew! It's not like I'm dyin' right now."
Eiki sighed. The next course of action was clear; both her inborn ability and celestial law told her what she was about to do was white. "If you will not do it yourself, I shall have to assist you. I cannot remove the entirety of your karma from you, but I can absolve some of your sins."
She raised the Rod of Remorse and lunged forward, landing a swift strike on the snarling youkai's temple, drawing out a gasp of pain. The youkai crouched down and covered her horned head with her hands and looked up to glare at Eiki.
"Just like ya ministry types," she spat between gritted teeth. "Always relyin' on violence the moment ya think yer losin'."
Eiki paid little mind to the youkai's insult: she has heard them all countless times before. "This is for you own sake, as you are well aware."
The youkai's glare intensified, but she made no attempt at getting away. "Oh yeah, I'm sure. Just look at ya, clutchin' that damn beating stick like yer married to it. Do ya just enjoy hittin' people or what?"
Eiki raised the Rod of Remorse once more, but didn't strike yet.
Does she enjoy it? No, she does not; certainly not in the way the wayward youkai meant. If she began to derive gratification from striking sinners, she would have to rethink her life over, and more likely than not resign. The black recesses of the soul had no place in the light, least of all in an authority figure. Perhaps self-control would make the situation tolerable even then, but she has no plans to find out.
At times, perhaps, when dealing with particularly heinous sinners, or when Komachi has once again failed in her duties, she finds a certain grim satisfaction in the act. Even then it isn't pleasant, but knowing she's in the right and what she's doing is for the sake of justice helps. It might even be called enjoyment on a certain level.
But when sinners cower beneath her strikes, when they weep and beg and curl up into a fetal position, all she wants to do is to stop and wrap her arms around them. It tears her heart in two, seeing poor pitiable creatures break like that no matter what their sins. It would be the worst, except nothing is worse than sentencing lost souls into oblivion.
But she will not falter. She will not yield. She will strike time and time again, crushing sinners under the weight of their sins until the full measure has been reached. And she will do so without the slightest flicker on her countenance, without an ounce of mercy.
Because it's right. Because it's just. Because it's what is expected of her. Because she knows her strikes absolve them of their sins and save them from an even worse fate.
But while she doesn't enjoy hitting people with it, but she does like the Rod of Remorse itself. The familiar weight in her hand, the way its polished surface remains cool to touch even on the hottest of days...and most importantly, the way it allows her to focus on celestial law and anchor herself in what is just, all these things do in fact please her. When she hesitates, when the world around her seems to be gaining shades of grey despite everything she knows, she grips the Rod of Remorse tighter and the world of absolutes, the world of black and white order, the world of rules and structure returns clearer and more real than ever. The Rod of Remorse channels her inner ability and holds her in check against doubt, allowing her to immerse herself the justice system, forget her own flawed self and become a small part of something perfect. The more she merges, the more she ignores herself and her own conscience, the easier it becomes to perform her duties.
Yes, she likes the Rod of Remorse. It brings her cold comfort when her mind begins slipping towards mercy, towards pity, towards sin. Even during her time off, it's a constant reminder of the supreme order, of a clear-cut world where there is no need to think, only to obey. It helps her remember her place in the world; a faithful servant of the law.
But even the most faithful servant cannot always obey without questioning. Not without becoming a slave.
No, she will not break the rules; the laws are absolute, and mustn't be broken under any circumstances. She is well aware of that. Nor will she circumvent them in the name of the Ministry, never; then it would be a grievous transgression and a major sin. As an enma, she will follow the rules to the letter, down to the slightest minutiae.
As herself, however, when attempting to deter people from a life of sin lest they end up in hell, she will bend them. She won't lie, not outright, but she will exaggerate, she will evade, she will omit. For an enma it would be an anathema, but for a creature of mercy, it is sometimes necessary.
It's still a sin. To her, bending a law and breaking it are two different kinds of sins, to the Law they're the same. One day, she will be punished for her actions. It is the price she must pay. She knows it's inevitable, and in the end, worth it, both for the people she may have helped and for placating her troubled conscience.
Even so, it's as far as she will go. She will never cross the border, no matter how muddled the borderland is. There are limits. There are standards.
For Eiki Shiki, former jizou, there is mercy, compassion, and pity, and despite what her instincts tell her, a world of many shades.
For Eiki Shiki, Yama of Paradise, there is justice, light, and truth. A world of black and white, a world of absolutes. Nothing more.
It isn't always easy to keep both sides of her separate. By now, however, she has had plenty of practice. She has overcome many hurdles and remained irreproachable in her duties while still retaining her true emotions behind the mask of an enma. Perhaps one day, she will encounter a dilemma too monumental to overcome. She prays it will not happen.
But no, it isn't about enjoyment. If anything, it's about pain, but pain for the sake of what is just. It's the kind of pain someone will have to bear to maintain natural order. She is strong enough. She will do it.
"Well, what are ya waiting for?" the youkai snapped, shaking Eiki out of her reverie. "I haven't got the whole day, ya know. If yer gonna beat the shit outta me, do it already."
Eiki looked down and locked her gaze with the youkai's. She saw annoyance, defiance, but also resignation, perhaps even amusement. She lowered her hand and bowed curtly without ever breaking eye contact. "Pardon me. I lost myself in my thoughts."
"Yeah, yeah. Now let's get this outta the way before the sun rises."
Eiki raised the Rod of Remorse once more.