Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
A/N: This story was removed and reposted because I do not want to be responsible for a story that is host to hostile or disrespectful back and forth between reviewers. I am a firm believer in productive debates and the importance of feedback whether critical or laudatory (this was why I left all the reviews up), but many of the reviews at this point have little or nothing to do with the story itself. They have become a means of insulting/debasing each other. Though I do appreciate those who posted in defense of the story ... it has gone beyond criticism and critique. My response review was meant to convey my personal opinion on the matters debated in the initial guest review.
I respect the opinions of those that did not enjoy the story as well as their right to express it. Everyone is entitled to their individual opinions as relates to characterization, plot progression, or story details... they are only opinions, as is my own stance on these items. I would like to extend an apology to those who favorited the story. I reposted it for that reason. I would also thank those who took the time to read the story, offer support, or post a review at all (do not feel any obligation to review this story again).
Stones and Scars
By Victoria G.
Natsuki is wearing a tank top in my presence. She does this from time to time and my experiences with it are always difficult. Explaining why is difficult as well. It is not the way she looks in it… though there undoubtedly is something to be said for that. It is her shoulder, her left shoulder to be more accurate. There is a dip, a small crevice above her collarbone… it is perfectly formed. It reminds me of a speckled stone I found as a child in the stream by my home. The ground beside a nearby brook was uneven and a sudden drop-off created a miniature waterfall. The water fell constantly in exactly the same place on the rock below, carving out a depression. The pad of my thumb fits perfectly into the groove time created. I kept that stone with me for years, sliding my thumb along its cool surface whenever my thoughts became heavy. Even now I keep the stone on the windowsill in my dormitory. For years I have not needed it, not since I've known her. After the first time the green of her eyes wrapped itself around my reason… I needed nothing else. With so much distance between us now… I find myself lifting it from its place thoughtlessly…touching the stone as my mind frees itself and races back to Fuuka. A slippery escape made when my attention is unguarded… this love takes advantage, bids me shamelessly to follow suit.
The stone's groove is almost too even, too polished for me to believe it was made in such a simple way. She is the same… too unlike most. It is an impossibility to me that she is just a woman made like any other. That flawless, impeccably crafted concavity offers up further proof of her otherworldly perfection. I do not need my stone now, not with her sitting beside me tonight and at her suggestion no less.
In the pale light of the moon, I imagine that the scar, which should lie directly in the middle of that alluring hollow, would be almost iridescent. During our fight, my naginata nicked the skin that stretched over it… unable to resist the spot either. It nearly killed me to see the slash of blood there. When I held her to me in that ruined building, I was apologizing to it as well. There is no scar there though. None of us possess any outwardly. When we died and were ripped back to this life, our tiny disfigurements were inverted. All our marks now stain the inside of us… our sins rendered invisible. Every scar … our stories made flesh were taken and erased. The twelve of us wander this world in our unblemished porcelain shells; blank as the day we were born and equally fragile. There is no physical proof that it was anything but an extended nightmare...those months. It makes me wonder if the body I now inhabit is even my own. It works the same… yearns for the exact things it did before.
I still cannot allow myself to fall too deeply into that particular set of memories. It is impossible to know which are the choices I made and which are the choices I was driven to by the conditions of the Carnival. In the end, the distinction is irrelevant… they were desires that dwelled within me… lived because I gave them life. It was only my restraint that was stripped away… our restraint taken… and what becomes of us? What transpired... it is a sad testament to that which swims inside us all and this is why I do not think much about it.
She, of course, was different...stayed true to her ideals… fought the other HiME only to save them from themselves… me from myself. Nothing underhanded, nothing impure… perhaps because she was consumed by her quest for revenge already… or maybe it is as I suspect...that she is touched by something greater than most. Natsuki... I think she is simply not capable of such acts of desperation. So few would say so… would recognize the selflessness, the devotion to goodness. A cold beauty, self-absorbed, untouched by empathy … none of it is anything more than deliberately projected hardness... a protective coat. She is a princess cloaked in thorns. They are thorns I used to dream of picking away one by one… wanting to reveal the girl beneath, rescue her from her isolation like some backward version of a fairy tale's prince. I am not a prince though, not by any stretch of the imagination, and I was not the one who did the rescuing despite my best efforts. She is the one who opened herself and of her own volition... then saw fit to save me as well.
For Natsuki to have forgiven me…that is more than I dared hope for… it feels divine almost. While I hope in time the others will too… hers is what matters most, means the most. She is what matters most and I cannot see that changing. Her beside me, even as we are now… it is where my peace lies.
As I return from my thoughts, I find myself watching that hypnotizing bit of skin, trying to unravel what it is about it that so captures me. It started slowly… just a prolonged stare every once in a while, but then it became an obsession. I would catch myself comparing the relative merits of her lingerie, the rare times she let me see her in them, solely on their accentuation or minimization of the shoulder and its dip. I cannot look away, especially when she moves. It is the difference between a painting of a dancer and the dance itself. Her tendons, the lines of bone, her heartbeat barely visible beneath perfect skin... it is more affecting than poetry. Absurd as it seems, it is a love affair secondary to my love for her. I become shyer around it, sneak glances in its direction, notice how the sunlight flatters it, how it becomes more seductive in shadow. There are lucid moments where it occurs to me how close to insane such thoughts are, but all it takes is another subtle flutter of muscle and I find myself back where I started. Besides which, so much of what I feel for her tiptoes on the edge of insanity...
I can go on forever about the rest of her…each part in itself impressive. There are her clear eyes, her face, slender musculature, elusive yet gorgeous smile… but something about that shoulder. I am still as in love with it as I am with her.
"Stop thinking about it." Her voice shocks me. I was lost in its smoothness, imagining what it would be like to allow my thumb to rest there as if it is my stone. At times I almost forget it is a part of her.
"What was that Natsuki?" The firelight is waltzing figures across her collarbone to pool in the mysterious darkness of the dip. It does nothing for my concentration.
"My shoulder… where I was cut…" It is a whisper and her soul-stroking eyes beg me not to bring up our history. "You keep staring at it."
"Do I?" I meet her eyes, trying to smile with convincing sincerity. I have been completely and solidly caught in the act… though it is obvious she thinks it is about something quite different. I will let her believe that because it is easier than explaining my limitless fascination with her shoulder.
"Yeah…you do." She looks at me strangely and I know I've failed to fool her. There are so few who can affect me as she does… "I didn't think you could see it." She traces her fingers lightly… languidly… along flesh that looks untouched. It is unwitting seduction and I suddenly feel as if I haven't eaten in weeks. Her fingertips siphon every ounce of water from my mouth as they travel.
"You cannot." The words are difficult to force past my desert tongue.
She cocks her head, confused. "You're being weird tonight."
Her presence is far more intoxicating when I've been deprived… it is tonight's excuse for why I cannot reign in my thoughts. "Kanin-na, Natsuki. I was up late studying."
"College keeps you pretty busy." She is looking at me, rolling her shoulders forward protectively, deepening the dip. God give me strength. Mercifully she says nothing else and I watch her skin helplessly as she rubs at her shoulder. I've made her feel embarrassed.
I smile at her… reassurance and love. Only for her, only for the two of us together… even with feelings that baring the same name are so wholly divided. "Natsuki will be going next year herself, will she not?"
"Yeah." She gazes at the grass, crossing her outstretched legs.
"Has she chosen a school?"
"I've applied places… I don't know, I don't really care which one I guess." She kicks at a rock that is unlucky enough to be loose, flicking it off the tip of her sandal.
I 'tsk' her and deliver a bit of tease, because it is our way. "Still such a poor attitude toward learning. Where have you applied, if I can ask?"
"… Fuuka, Tokyo…uh…" She mumbles. "…Kyoto."
I feel myself freeze at the news… at how much of a shock it is. "Natsuki has applied to Kyoto University?"
She looks offended. "Natsuki did. It's a good school."
The thought of it is exciting and frightening. To have her close once again… a part of me wants nothing else but it would defeat the purpose of separating us at all. I would snap myself in two for her, do anything she desires but the problem has always been that she does not know what she desires as far as love goes, does not care to think on it. Unlike me… she is a not a creature of indulgence... does not allow such thoughts to carry her away as I do. She is not built to consider how what she does or does not do, what she will and will not say affects me resultant of my affection for her. I stay away because of my own weaknesses, I will not let them decide for her. I know that were she ever to ask it of me… even out of pity… I would plant roots beside her and shield her from whatever would harm her. Coolness and soft light for the rest of her days if she wished it. The slightest provocation or encouragement rewinds me… like this, her inviting our meeting and now I am thinking all that I should not.
I barely know what to say and in such moments it is easier for me to reverse the situation, to fluster her. A smile appears on my lips unprompted. Automatic deception and walls rise up. It is not that I care, I have never cared where she is concerned… it is that she does and I cannot force myself on her, not again. "It is a good school, but did she miss me I wonder?" Her eyes are round and large and she scowls at me.
"… I said it's a good school." She flops against the resin chair, slumping and I shake my head at her terrible posture.
"And here I was missing my Natsuki terribly." A slip… she is not mine. I turn my head toward her and my eyes are attracted to the dip once more… all peachy blackness with her shoulders drawn up toward her ears. It distracts me yet again and unfortunately for me, she notices.
"Oi…give me my hoodie? It's getting cold out."
I sigh and bid the groove a good evening. The sweatshirt is passed to her coupled with an apologetic look. "Kanin-na. I did not mean to make you feel embarrassed."
She blushes lightly… deliciously… and I am happy she has not outgrown that particular trait. It is equally as lovely as her shoulder. "I'm not… there's a breeze is all." Such a terrible liar… a plethora of adorable tells. The set of her jaw, the shift of her eyes, the shape of her lips, and the feigned nonchalance in her beautiful voice… each one is precious.
"Natsuki is welcome to come sit on my lap if she is cold." The words escape even as she slides the piece of clothing on…
"Not enough room in that chair." She glances at me the way she did before… when I was caught staring and my own cheeks warm. I wonder if my teases feel different to her now that she knows of my longing for her… now that so much has passed between us. She would never have responded so cheekily before. "Your parents have a nice place out here."
"Yes. Unfortunately, they do not make it out much any more… the drive is a bit long. I believe they've been renting it mostly."
She crosses her arms over her chest, hands inside sleeves. Her head dips down and she watches the flames. They light and play in her eyes... it no easier to turn away from that image than it was to resist her collarbone. There is always some other part of her to admire… it is problematic really. "You must like being closer to them."
"I do. It is nice to be able to go home so easily. I admit to missing my mother's cooking."
She is doing strange things with her mouth, pulling at her lips with her teeth, forcing them to the side… signs of contemplation. "Yeah, it's up there with Mai's." Natsuki has tried it herself before.
Her friends… I am so pleased she's gathered some. It makes our separation easier to take… the fact that I no longer worry she might be spending all her alone. I am relieved but selfishly unsettled because I am not the one to keep her company. "How is Tokiha-han?"
"Good I guess. She spends most of her time with Tate. " She rolls her eyes and I smile to myself over her continued distaste for anything even remotely romantic.
"Are they serious then?" I inquire.
She nods and shrugs. "Seems like it."
"I am happy for her. And what does Natsuki do with her free time?"
"I don't know. I'm trying to be more social. Nao and I go places sometimes, parties and stuff." I do have a tendency toward jealousy and Yuuki-han… for whatever reason… triggers it. It is humiliating how frequently I need to remind myself that I have no claim on her. If she were to decide to engage in a relationship with the girl who tried so intently to kill her, it would not be my business. How far removed is it from that which I did to Natsuki? ...yet we are friends and she cares for me in spite of the reasons I have given her not to... in spite of reason itself. I should not begrudge Yuuki-han the same thing.
"I was surprised when you texted me." Natsuki is not the one who usually reaches out… it is me who loses the battle, sends an e-mail or a text. She always responds, but seldom initiates… that is the pattern our relationship has followed since the beginning.
"… I try not to most of the time." I stare at her curiously… not understanding why she would ever have cause to think I would not enjoy hearing from her.
"Why would you do that?"
"I don't wanna bother you. I know you're busy." She is frowning.
"You have never bothered me," I say, troubled by her hesitance. "Is there something on Natsuki's mind?"
"No… I don't know. " That is her version of a 'yes' and I am concerned for her anxiousness.
"What is it?"
"I guess… it's weird. Not having you around… walking by the student council room and you're not there. I don't know, it's like my brain keeps forgetting you're gone." As if the organ were a thing quite separate from her… such an odd way to phrase it.
"Natsuki…"
A nervous look colors her face… and I cannot imagine why. "What?"
I place a hand on her leg… contact to transmit my sincerity and it seems to deepen her discomfort. My hand is drawn away and it has the opposite effect I intend… it worsens her upset. "I truly do miss you." I miss her terribly at times.
Her head sinks into the neck of her sweatshirt and she peers in my direction. "I miss you too." That is nice to hear and I know that she would not say it simply to please me. "Shizuru…"
"Yes?"
"Are you… dating people at college?" This throws me completely as does her bringing up such a subject in the first place. She has never questioned me about that aspect of my life before, about anything personal… my mother is the only one who does really.
"Why do you ask?"
She bites her lip and I do not understand what is happening. "I tried it."
"Dating?" Why is she telling me this?
"Yeah." A nod to accompany the word… a nod that might as well be a blow.
It is all I can do to pray that my face is not showing the despair I feel. "I'm pleased Natsuki is finally enjoying herself a bit." I am not pleased… I am hurt, but I know that I am not being fair. It is just that it seems too soon… reluctantly I admit to myself that it will likely always feel that way…
"I wanna talk to you about that." She is watching me so carefully… is she afraid it will wound me? Does she know it already has? "It's what made me text you."
And this is sure to be a thoroughly heartbreaking conversation… only a smile is appropriate in such circumstances. "What about dating did you wish to discuss?"
"Are you dating or not?" She is pushing and I cannot be certain if the truth or lie is appropriate.
I stare at her, trying not to be cold. "No, I am not." Not with any seriousness. There are some who show interest, I've flirted here or there… but it always her face I wish for, her voice I want to hear. It makes seeing others a challenge.
"Why?"
"I suppose I haven't found anyone that I am interested in." It is a lie. I give her a bit of falsehood and a bit of truth because half of me wants to insist that she knows exactly why.
"No one tells you this… but it sucks." And there is the Natsuki that I know, back and saying something I find oh so adorable regardless.
A tiny smile plays on my lips. Her feeling that way, given what I know of her, should not be the pleasant surprise that it is. "Does it?"
"Yeah, it does." She closes her eyes. "I've been trying to figure out why."
The anxiousness rushes back in on me because the possibility lingers that she will ask for assistance with it, and I attempt to deflect any further discussion. "I do not know that I am the person to be speaking to about this… perhaps this is a conversation better suited to Tokiha-han or Yuuki-han." I do not know that I can stand it.
Her face is falling…I've wounded her in return. "But…"
"I am afraid I do not have much valuable advice for you on men, Natsuki." A roundabout way of reminding her of my feelings. I hope it is enough.
She is red to her ears and I am too unseated to properly enjoy it. "Uh… no. That's not it… I wouldn't ask you for that, Shizuru."
I continue to find this conversation confusing. "What would you ask me for?"
"I don't know… I'd go out with these guys and I'd be sitting there with them, listening to them talk and whatever…" She pauses, looking at me with sudden and incredible shyness, sinking even deeper into her hooded sweatshirt and fiddling with the drawstrings.
"That sounds normal." Please… I want to say it to her… do not tell me.
"But all I could think the whole time is that I'd rather be watching a movie or cooking dinner like we used to."
My eyes slip closed and I force another smile. It is easier when I cannot see her. "Then why not suggest such an activity?"
"That's not what I mean." It is difficult to understand her with her voice muffled in the fabric, but she seems immensely uncomfortable…nearly as uncomfortable as I am. I let her stay bundled up like a child and wait, searching for my words through the panic that has begun crawling beneath my skin. All I see in my head is men… boys more than likely… touching her… kissing her… taking my place… a place I have imagined to be mine but has never been. That jealousy… it is flaring and bursting and demanding my attention. For her sake, I push back against it. "I mean like we used to… like we… like you and me…" Beautiful eyes peer at me surrounded by folds of fabric as I try to collect myself. She cannot possibly mean what she seems to be meaning.
I lose my words in the unexpectedness of it. "Natsuki…"
Her gaze is suddenly storming…dark and cloudy and dangerous. "Did you go to school in Kyoto to get away from me?"
That question shocks me as well, more because it is not one I am prepared to answer honestly. "'I went to Kyoto because it is my home… and because I needed some space."
"From me." Spoken as though I'd struck her… but I am the one stricken.
"From my feelings." I correct.
Her hands are pressing against one another, gripping… wringing. "I… think I was wrong Shizuru."
"About what were you wrong?" I ask gently because however much goes on inside me, seeing her like this… it is heartache. Watching those anxious limbs, my own respond with equal anxiousness but they are held in place with folded hands... crossed ankles.
"About what I said… in the church… that I couldn't feel that way… 'cause when I'm with those guys, I just wish it was yo…"
I am blinking, blinking a lot in fact and the world… sound and sight have blurred together indistinguishably. She is speaking, but I hear nothing… this is a dream most definitely. Beautiful firelight setting, fathomless starry sky, the lush smell of countryside in the Spring and Natsuki confessing feelings for me? It can be nothing other than a dream… I squeeze my arm. I need to awaken before I respond… before she finishes… before I stop blinking and open my eyes to see the blank ceiling of my dorm room and emptiness beside me. It is elysian cruelty…consuming reverie that whispers honey-sweet lies against my ear…
"Oi!" The sound breaks me out of my trance. "Are you even listening to me?" My eyes open and there is no white wall… only the crisp darkness of night and shining emerald, wrinkled brow… what…
"Yes," I respond, but I am not listening. It is impossible because my senses have abandoned me and I heard nothing else she said.
"So…you will?" I'd agreed to something in my daze…
"Kanin-na. I am more tired than I thought. Will I what Natsuki?"
"Damn it Shizuru!" So angry… she crosses her arms tighter and stands, her back to me. "You weren't listening at all!" Every bit of her is curled or rigid or hunched.
I am on my feet immediately, ready to follow and remedy... robotic need to soothe her. That I could force time backward... that I could shatter this lying hope and wake... but dream Natsuki or no… her agitation is my own. "Kanin-na. Please, tell me what you said."
She turns to glare at me… and I have never been on the receiving end of one so serious. It is as if the fire that shown there moments before has been concentrated and thrown back at me. "Why weren't you listening?!" The pained aggravation in her tone, it twists my insides.
"Please," I ask as softly as I can…
Her voice raises and her breath… it is all nerves… firing bolts of potent anxiety. "I said I wanna go on a date with you Shizuru." Her fingers are digging into her arms…hair hiding her face but it cannot hide the strain in her voice "I asked you to."
I feel my head tilting… my eyes widening, and I wonder if I look as lost as I feel. I am well and truly dumbstruck. I, once again, cannot seem to find any footing in this because that is perhaps the last thing I expected her to say to me… ever. "Did you?" My voice is as tremulous as my sense of reality.
Frustrated, she pulls the hood of her sweatshirt over her head and begins a stomp toward the house. "All you had to say was no."
No? The word is pure nonsense in such a context. Why would I ever say no? "Natsuki…" She is upset and the courage that must've taken for her… even if she is no more than a phantom in my mind... it should be rewarded. I move quietly, catch up to her, my arms passing around her waist, my body pressing into hers from behind. A hug…similar to those that I've given her before. The brush of us… it brings sensation down upon me with a gravity that shakes me to the earth... back into awareness. No dream… and the tears swell… threaten my already tenuous grip on emotions that dive headlong into chaos in her presence. This...
She stiffens and startles as she always has in my arms, but tries to break free which is new and nearly gutting. "Oi! Let me go!"
"Na-tsu-ki…" As soothing as I can, to calm the both of us and she stops her wriggling, goes still. I bury my face in that shoulder, leaded eyelids drooping. "You surprised me… it is just that I never thought…" I stop myself, but that is just it. I have not ever thought… not once believed this would happen. It is all I can do to breathe. "Please, turn around."
Reluctantly she huffs and does as I ask. "What…" She grumbles, but there is dampness at the corner of her eyes, a dampness mirrored within the face I've lost control of. Such sadness… and it is my fault… but it is a mistake that I can fix before it scars. Those are a rarity and I am thankful this falls into such a category.
I begin loosening the hood from her face and fold it down, smoothing the fabric with care. She looks frightened as I touch her chin… and I can empathize as my own heart is pounding against the skin of my chest.
"Do you not know that I belong to you Natsuki?" Her blush is obvious even in the darkness. The things that I say to her, they are too honest at times. When I told her she was mine back then it was because she already has every bit of me … I need any piece of her just to keep something inside, insurance against what I thought to be unrequited passions. I am already surrendering as I knew I would and there is only one question I have left.
"Shizuru…"
"Are you certain you want this? Truly?" I need to be sure because even when it pains me, I do want her happiness. Though I sometimes forget myself, it is what I want.
She looks away and then suddenly her lips are on mine. I am blinking again, blinking and sinking into a kiss that breaks me a little. Digging roots fix me to this spot because it is everything I've ever wanted breathed into me. How…
When she pulls away there is the barest of smacks and I feel my eyelids flutter at the sound.
"Wait." The intensity in her tone… I should wait? I feel as though such a request requires a higher degree of participation from me… "I wanted this to be…I mean I wanted to wait 'til…" She cannot finish because embarrassment has won out.
"Did you intend this to be a date?" I am perplexed by the notion, by the crack in my voice.
"Yeah, but when you said we could come up here, I couldn't ask anymore." She glances at me in a way that turns my bones to rubber. Such expressive faces she makes… they match her eyes. Both are debilitating in their earnest beauty.
I hide my swooning as best I can… I hide it by resting a hand on the side of the house. "It is rather romantic with the fire, is it not?" Where I even find the ability to speak is a mystery… I want to sit on the ground and replay what just happened until I've memorized the feel of her lips on mine. Until I've trapped it so deeply in my mind that I can never forget… that it cannot slip away from me as the hazy memory of the moments before our death has. She frowns.
"I guess." Her discomfort with the idea makes me smile.
There is still something that I do not understand. "Why could you not ask any longer?"
I am receiving a look that tells me I may be the most foolish woman on Earth. It is not a point I would contest, actually... a fool for her I have always been. "I can't ask you on a date to your own parents' summer house. That's so stupid."
"Natsuki has put a lot of thought into this." I cup her cheek, a genuine smile on lips that are already missing hers… perhaps I could just kiss her until I've memorized them instead. Perhaps I could just kiss every inch of her over and over… until I know her completely. It is a more appealing idea…
"I didn't wanna screw it up!" She defends, clearly embarrassed. My heart warms and her cheek does the same to my hand.
"You did not Natsuki." How could she ruin anything when everything she does is with such purity of intention? How could she when she is my peace? My forgiveness. "Ookini…" I press my lips to hers, the pressure in my chest nearly too much… my hand falling to cover the place where her scar should be. I would swear that I can feel it pulsing, responding… that it still exists beneath pale, unmarred skin. Her hand covers mine and her lips stay parted… pink and inviting… offering themselves for the taking, for the claiming... a little of her given to me. "This is perfect."
END.