Title: Guilt Ridden
Character(s): James P, Lily E/P
Summary: "Listen to me very closely; I know you're blaming yourself about everything that's going on. But you need to understand that this whole facade is not your fault. You love me and harry, and you would never do anything to hurt us.
Notes: This is part of the 'Last Kiss' competition, and using the song 'Walk Away' by 'The Script' as a prompt, I have created this piece of writing! I'm signed up for so much that I hardly know what competition is which! Reviews as per usual are appreciated. Take care!
I don't know why she's with me. I only brought her trouble since the day she met me. If I her by now I would have left me, I would have walked away.' – Walk Away – the script.
Voldemort is after us. He wants to kill Harry – our son – mine and Lily's son. And it's my entire fault; he's targeted us because Lily and I defied him three times. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so eager to jump into danger at the thought of trying to save the world.
I'm not a saint – nor will I ever be, I know that. I know that now, but I didn't before – I was too entranced in the bigger picture that I never focused on the smaller picture. Lily and I having a proper family, with harry, raising him properly.
They say that Voldemort is so desperate that he'll go to any lengths to kill Harry, and that's why we're in this small house in Godric's Hollow under the Fidellius charm, hoping that we'll get through the day. Hoping we'll survive tomorrow.
We shouldn't be cooped up in this house, we should be getting Harry a costume to go out trick-or-treating, with the other children tomorrow – but we can't anymore, because I ruined our lives.
It's not so much my life I care about ruining – I'm always finding myself in troubling situations, where my life will never be the same – it's more the fact that I've ruined Lily and Harry's life as well.
If I were Lily, I would have walked out on me ages ago – walking away, away from the man who keeps ruining her life. If I were Harry, I would forget me, forget the man who he calls dad, and live with Lily instead.
But for their sakes, I ignore my guilt and smile on every day. I don't mention how I've ruined everything, and neither does Lily.
I'm playing with Harry in the sitting room when Lily comes down the stairs, a weak smile on her face, as she leans on the door frame.
"Next year James," She starts, "When this is all over – maybe we could take Harry trick-or-treating with Alice and Frank's son Neville. And Molly's children."
I nod, faking a smile on my face, as I tell her that her idea is perfect, and that we could dress harry up as a stag, because he's our prongslet.
I cannot believe that we both don't have the courage to talk about what's going on. I'm disgusted in myself that I don't bring it up – after all, I'm supposed to be a Gryffindor aren't I? But I'm acting like a Slytherin, acting like it's not there – trying to conceal it away from our family.
But it's threatening to kill us, so why should we be avoiding the facts?
After a while Harry falls asleep, and I set him down on one of the sofa cushions, as I stand up, and walk over to Lily,
"I love you Lily," I whisper, causing her to look up with a confused look on her face, before it changes into a look of worry.
"I love you too James, what's wrong?" She replies, and I bite my tongue to stop myself from telling her just how guilty I am about the whole thing. At the end however, I end up telling her that I'm sorry. Nothing else but those two words,
She frowns,
"What are you sorry about? Did you break something?"
She's immediately looking around the room, expecting to find something shattered on the floor, but I shake my head, as I put my hands on her shoulder, looking at her as I take in a deep breath...
"I'm sorry about all of this... I'm sorry I got us into this mess – I'm sorry that he's after us." I finally break the silence, my voice catching on the back of my throat, as it cracks slightly. I only just realise how hoarse my voice sounds and it makes me sound as if I've been thinking about this for far too long – which I probably have...
Lily shakes her head at me, smiling weakly –
"You've got nothing to be sorry about Jamie," She uses her nickname for me to empathise her point, as she puts her hand on my cheek, her eyes showing nothing but love for me. No hate, or regret but I can't feel as if I've been forgiven. I still feel terrible, because she should be saving herself – she should have saved herself... "James, look at me."
I do.
"Listen to me very closely; I know you're blaming yourself about everything that's going on. But you need to understand that this whole facade is not your fault. You love me and harry, and you would never do anything to hurt us. It's not your fault, it's Voldemort's he doesn't have anything better to do then killing children, doesn't that sound a bit pathetic to you?"
I nod, but I still feel numb, I can't help but feel responsible for this whole mess.
"James," Lily's voice brings me back to the world, brings me out of my guilt ridden mind, "James listen to me – it's not your fault, so please push that accusation out of your head."
"But –"
"No buts Potter," Lily says, as she pulls me into a hug, "I love you still, harry loves you – your friends love you. So just forget about it, alright? We're a happy family – we're all together at the moment aren't we?"
I nod again, and she kisses me as if she might never have the chance to again.
It starts off like it usually does when the two of us kiss, but after a few minutes, we slow – and I can taste salty tears on my lips. I then realise that Lily is as scared as I am,
And so we both choose to forget... we choose to forget, and the silence in the room creates the unspoken promise that neither Lily nor I will ever mention this subject ever again.
And for a split second – I'm glad.