Osaka was back from college. She found a small box marked "To Ayumu Kasuga, from Duke Nukem."
She opened it up and saw a portrait of Duke Nukem boning a hot stripper with jugs the size of Jupiter. She looked at the backside of the photo and saw a message scribbled in an untidy hand:
"Dear Osaka. I'm not going to fight you, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Osaka held the photograph in her hands. "Fuck you, Duke Nukem," she said, not realizing the risk.
Suddenly Duke Nukem came out of the picture, a gun in his hand (just as big as she remembered it). He was quite naked, and his massive third leg was dangling like an elephant trunk. She had no idea how it'd fit inside her.
"This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me," said Duke, as his leviathan genitals grew harder than diamond. "Bend over, baby."
Hail to the King, baby.
/ Duke Nukem
PS: My gun's bigger than yours."
At that moment Chuck Norris descended through the roof.
"This is far too inappropriate," said Chuck Norris.
"And just what are you gonna do about it?" asked Duke Nukem.
"It doesn't matter what I do," said Chuck, "Because I've brought a friend with me who doesn't like it when people are forced into sex."
"And who is this person?"
"That would be me, Bruce Lee."
Chuck Norris ducked behind Minamo Kurosawa as Bruce Lee walked up to the womanizing bastard. Minamo held a samurai sword in front of her. Chuck laid down behind her, covering his eyes.
"Scatter," said Minamo, "Senbonzakura. Okay Bruce, the protective field is up now! Feel free to do whatever!"
Duke Nukem looked down at Bruce through his Ray Ban reject sunglasses. The Blondie had a smirk on his face. He crossed his arms in a stereotypical macho man pose.
"What are you gonna do?" Duke Nukem mockingly asked, not realizing the danger.
At that moment Bruce Lee reached down and ripped off Duke Nukem's penis. He then shoved the offensive material into Duke's mouth. Bruce could hear Nukem choke on himself while crying with pain. Using a one inch punch Bruce knocked Duke Nukem through the roof of the house, into space.
Commander Shepard sat onboard the Normandy in complete boredom. They were stopping off at Earth for some reason and he wasn't too pleased about it. We're supposed to be stopping the Reapers and the Collectors, Shepard thought to himself, not going sightseeing. The Commander just shook his head as one of the crew members started to complain about something.
BOOM
"Jacob!" yelled Shepard, "What was that?"
"Something just crashed into the Normandy, Commander."
"What was it?"
"It appears to be a body, Commander," said Miranda.
"Do you think we can use it to stop the Collectors?" asked Shepard.
"Maybe," said Garrus, "I just hope that it doesn't smell terrible, whatever it is."
Shepard watched as Jacob and Thane dropped the body onto a steel table. The sight of it was repulsive. Looking at Jacob Shepard spoke.
"Couldn't you have draped a tarp over him?" asked the Commander.
"What is that thing in his mouth?" asked Grunt.
"Let's not go into that," said Shepard as he looked at the body lying on the table. Personally, he thought to himself, I've seen worse, but the fact that he has a dick in his mouth is a little surprising.
"I can safely say that this creature is not alive," said Mordin, "Its brain has been destroyed. Its airway is completely jammed. Not to mention that it has lost a significant amount of blood. I'm afraid that we simply cannot make use of it."
"I'll make use of it," said Grunt, "I'm hungry."
"Wait," said Jacob, "You're not going to…."
Everyone watched as Grunt shoved the corpse into his mouth. The sound of bones crunching filled the air as Grunt's jaws moved up and down. Thane's mouth dropped open as Grunt let out a huge belch. Rubbing his arm against his chin Grunt looked up at everyone.
"I've eaten worse."
"Wha-what just happened?" Osaka asked Bruce Lee.
"Well," said Bruce Lee, "I just saved you from Duke Nukem. He foolishly underestimated the power of wushu, and it was a fatal mistake."
"But how did he come out of that picture?" asked Osaka.
"I'm not entirely sure," said Bruce Lee, "But Chuck and I are going now, I'm sure Minamo will be able to protect you from whatever else comes by."
Osaka watched as the two of them rose up through one of the holes in the roof. She was grateful that they hadn't made another. She went out the door, Minamo following closely behind.
"Muwahahaha!"
Osaka looked up into the air as Duke Nukem descended from the sky.
"What the fuck?"
"I was created by the Red Ribbon Army from the body of Cell," said Duke Nukem, despite the impossibility of that statement. "Bruce Lee accidentally left too many of my cells in the air," Duke Nukem explained, "From those I was able to completely regenerate myself. The near death experience has unlocked my full power!"
Minamo seemed unfazed as she pulled out her zanpakutō. She pointed the weapon at Duke Nukem. The steroid filled man laughed at her as she dropped her weapon.
"I'm glad that you've given up! Hahaha-eh?"
The tip of the sword dissapeared into the ground. A rippling effect spreadout from where the sword continued to dissappear into the Earth. The Earth and sky turned black as giant swords rose up from the ground. Minamo looked up at Duke Nukem, a calm expression on her face.
"Be grateful," she said, "Knowing that you died by my bankai. Now scatter, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."
The giant swords disappeared and turned into cherry blossoms. Duke Nukem had a strange look on his face. He exploded into a cloud of blood which rained down onto the streets of Tokyo. Minamo walked up to the pile of blood on the ground. She raised a palm.
"Hadō 31," said Minamo, "Sakakkahō."
Red energy blasted over what remained of Duke Nukem, turning it to ashes. Osaka's left eye twitched as her mouth gaped wide open. Minamo walked towards her, the same calm expression on her face. A dark shape appeared behind the Gym teacher. Osaka watched as a sword plunged towards Minamo's head. Ayumu closed her eyes.
Clang
"So you're here are you?"
"Heh heh," Osaka heard someone laugh at Minamo's question. "You haven't changed at all."
Osaka opened her eyes to see a man standing behind Minamo. He had on a black eye patch. He smiled revealing the teeth of a shark. He seemed to be a giant.
"So Head Captain Yamamoto decided to send you here eh?" asked Kurosawa.
"He's decided that the time for your death is now," said the man, "I'm not the only one here to destroy you."
Osaka watched as a white haired boy appeared beside an orange haired woman. A man with black tattoos on his face with a white head band stood next to another man with long black hair. The man with the eye patch smiled at Minamo.
"All of us are here to destroy you Kurosawa," said the man, "You don't have a chance of escaping."
"Oh?" asked Minamo, "You mean all thirteen captains and lieutenants are here?"
"Just nine of the captains and some lieutenants," said the white haired boy, "Head Captain Yamamoto won't join the fight unless it's absolutely necessary."
"Well that's not so bad," said Minamo, "What happened to the other three?"
"They left," said a man wearing a strange hat, "We were hoping that you might just surrender."
"Please," said Minamo, "Why would you ever think that?"
"It was just a hope I had," said the man in the strange hat, "too bad."
"Enough," said the man with the eye patch, "I Kenpachi Zaraki will kill you now."
"Yeah right," said Minamo as she plunged her zanpakutō into the man's chest, "You could never hope to defeat me." She ripped the blade out of Kenpachi. The captain fell to the ground.
A blue column of ice slammed into the area where Minamo was standing. Osaka listened as the pillar began to creak. Soon the entire structure shattered into chunks which fell onto the ground. A black and red streak erupted from the pillar.
"She's not even fazed," said captain Tōshirō Hitsugaya. He felt something behind him.
"No I'm not."
A black sword plunged through Tōshirō's chest. He looked down to see Minamo holding what appeared to be Tensa Zangetsu. She seemed to have tears in her eyes. She pulled the sword out of Tōshirō.
The young boy's body fell to the Earth. The ice around him breaking apart as he fell. A giant bone snake appeared behind Minamo. It lashed at her with a roar. A huge cloud of dust blocked Osaka's view as the giant snake lay in pieces on the ground. A red haired man lay next to it, red blood leaking out from beneath him.
"Have you had enough?" asked Minamo.
The other captains seemed unfazed by her actions. Byakuya Kuchiki seemed particularly unconcerned. Minamo was a little surprised. A yellow column of light exploded up towards the sky. Turning her head Minamo realized that she had held back too much. Kenpachi Zaraki stood up. His eye patch no longer rested on his face.
"I'm glad you don't hold back," said Kenpachi, "How else would I feel such thrills?"
"I think it's time for you to go," said Minamo, "Hadō number four, Byakurai."
Blue light passed through Kenpachi's torso. His eyes went blank as he fell to the ground. At that moment black spots appeared in the sky. The Espada had chosen this moment to attack.
Commander Shepard watched the battle unfold onboard the Normandy. Jacob walked up to him. They traded a glance. Jacob was about to speak, but Shepard shook his head.
"We don't need to get involved in this," said the Commander, "But if that…Minamo survives, we just might have a place for her here."
"How can you be sure that she'll survive?"
"I'm not," said Shepard, "But considering how she's done so far, it's not out of the question."
"True," said Jacob, "I just hope that we don't have to fight her anytime soon."
"Relax," said Shepard, "Firearms beat swords any day of the week."
"Pathetic," said Ulquiorra as he pulled his arm out of the captain of Squad Twelve, "He was nothing more than trash."
"So was that one," said Grimmjow as he stood over the body of captain Unohana, "These soul reapers aren't as much trouble as we thought they would be."
"Take that back," said Jūshirō as he lay on the ground.
"Shut up," said Grimmjow as he released a cero.
The two Espada walked away from their kills. A black and red light slashed into the ground in front of them. They looked up to see Minamo Kurosawa. Her eyes seemed to be filled with anger.
"What good are you going to do against us?" asked Grimmjow.
"Why don't you ask your friends?" said Minamo, pointing to the remains of the other Espada. The surviving captains retreated back to the Soul Society as Minamo prepared to destroy the final two arrancar.
"Why am I not surprised?"
Minamo turned around to see Lex Luthor and Darkseid. The former gave her an evil smile as he raised an M4 rifle. Unfortunately for Lex it had been placed in water before he fired it. The catastrophic misfire instantly killed him. The remaining two Espada took the opportunity to attack Minamo. They were surprised to see their arms chopped off.
"Nice try," said Ichigo wearing his hollow mask, "But I'm afraid that you two aren't going to murder anyone else today."
With a Getsuga Tenshō he killed the two of them instantly. Above Bruce Lee slammed his fist into Darkseid's head as Minamo panted in exhaustion. Freiza and Perfect Cell appeared in the air above Bruce Lee. Carnage and Venom appeared below him on the ground. The two symbiotes then joined together before attaching themselves to Cell. Bruce Lee threw Darkseid into Freiza, only to be pierced by Cell's tail.
"I'm just immortal," said Cell as Bruce Lee died.
"Hey!"
Cell looked down at the bodies of Darkseid and Freiza. Next to them stood a tanned girl. She had an angry look on her face. Cell laughed at the child.
"How are you going to defeat me?" asked Cell.
"It doesn't matter how," said the girl, "The point is that I will destroy you!"
"Shut up," said Cell, "You're boring me."
"Don't do it Kagura," said Minamo, "Even I can't defeat someone as powerful as he is!"
"Neither can I," said Masked Ichigo, "We're just no match for his kind of strength."
"You two do whatever you want," said Kagura, "But I'm going to stop him. FOR GREAT JUSTICE!"
And with that Osaka woke up from her nightmare. Rubbing her head she sat up. Looking at her clock she saw that it was one AM in the morning. After getting a glass of water she thought to herself, Okay, NO more R-rated movies before bed!