A few people expressed interest in seeing more to the 'As I lay pretending' story, but since I never planned on making it into a multi-chapter fic instead you get pretty much the same story, but this time it's in Sirius' POV.
I hope you enjoy! You can read either one first, it doesn't matter. Let me know what you think! Thanks!
I know he's always tired the morning after those horrible nights. Obviously there isn't really much I can do, but I'm his friend, so I try to be there for him in any way I can.
Though I would never tell him it's because I think of him in ways beyond that of friendship.
When I go visit him in the hospital wing in the mornings, as much as I like it when he's awake I also really like it when he's asleep, because when he's asleep I can pretend.
I can pretend that it's alright to just reach out and caress his face softly, that it's alright for me to rest my hand upon his and occasionally – when I'm feeling particularly daring – link our fingers together.
"Moony?" I whisper cautiously, knowing I need to leave soon for class but wanting to at least talk to him first, find out how he's feeling. Sometimes James makes fun of me for acting over protective of our friend, but I could never explain to him how wrong he is. 'Over protective' is an understatement. I care for Remus far more than any of them know and not just because he's a fellow Marauder and just so happens to be a werewolf that we look out for.
I look up to Remus and respect him as well. He is a true friend and a way better person than I will ever be. There are so many things he does, so many little habits or actions that I just adore. Maybe one day I could write them all down, all the things I love – yes, love – and share them with him.
That day is not today though, nor will it probably be tomorrow or the next day; it might not even be until years from now, but some day it will happen, because I know that one day I will have the courage to tell him how much I care and not fear the outcome.
"Rem?" I lay my hand lightly on top of his and hope the contact might help wake him. The nickname I started calling him back around fifth year, after the terrible incident at the Whomping Willow, after I apologized more times than I could count for my stupid actions, it stuck and I have been calling him it ever since. Only when it is just us though; it is personal and neither James nor Peter knows I call him that. Remus would not let either of those two call him that either, I know for a fact.
I call his name again softly, shaking his arm a bit this time. When that doesn't work I go for a different tactic. "Remuuuusss!"
"WHAT?" He snaps at me, giving me a glare that is really not that threatening. I love that about him. It's kind of nice being able to tell when Remus is actually being serious or not.
"You're awake." I replied, giving him a warm smile. Instantly I can see the look change in his eyes, a warm, comfortable look replacing the slightly annoyed one. Sometimes I wonder if he's aware of how he looks at me, how he gives me such warm smiles. This is one of those moments I'm glad he can't feel how my heart is racing in my chest. How embarrassing would that be? How could I even explain that? Then I would have to tell him everything, unless I lied. Somehow I think he would know though; he would be able to tell I was lying and then my secret would be out, my heart waiting to be crushed with the response that he did not return such strong feelings and never could.
I lean closer and nuzzle his neck fondly, wishing I could just join him on the hospital bed and hold him close.
"So it would seem." He replies tiredly. "Hey, Sirius?"
"Hmm?" I respond softly.
"I'm going back to sleep."
"Oh, alright." I reply, stuck between wishing he would stay awake and knowing that I could pretend better once he was asleep once more. Why did things have to be like this? Stuck between choosing which was better: having a strong friendship with Remus in real life, or pretending things could be more than what they are while we slept?
Sometimes feelings became so intense dreams became that much more appealing to live in. Waking up was the difficult part then, and living through another day of watching and wishing for something that would never be.
As he closes his eyes again and lets himself slip back off to sleep I remain close, not wanting to leave his side just yet. Eventually I figure he has finally managed to fall back asleep long enough and rest my head gently against his shoulder. I rub soft, and hopefully comforting, circles on his arm and just try to match my breathing with his, feeling comfortable myself in his presence.
At one point I sit up to crack my back and the nurse comes over to tell me it's about time I headed back to classes. Not really wanting to, but knowing she is right and Remus would disapprove if I did not go, I nod in reply and get up to leave. Before I go to class though I go back to the dormitory and grab a few of his books, figuring if he woke up before I got back then he would have something to do.
I leave a note with his books before leaving the hospital wing a second time. Rem, Madam P said I had to go to class, the crazy lady. Love her though. Brought you some of your books. Know you can't live without them. Love, Sirius
I shouldn't have written 'love' at the bottom of the note, but would he even notice? Maybe he would think nothing of it and just be happy with having his books. Maybe I was being an absolute idiot. I should rewrite the note, but having already left there is no turning back now. If he does not mention it later then neither will I.
The day seems to drag more than usual when I am bored, or just really antsy to be somewhere else. Eventually though I am able to return to the hospital wing. Surprisingly Remus is asleep.
"Merlin, Moony, are you going to sleep all day?" I grin, sitting back down on the chair next to his bed, dropping my nearly empty school bag on the floor.
Some of his bangs are covering his closed eyes and I reach over to carefully brush them away. Afterward I lean closer and rest my chin in the palm of my hand, resting my other hand on his shoulder and using my thumb to rub soft, small circles occasionally.
He looks so peaceful while he sleeps. I could watch him for hours. Luckily we do stay there the rest of the day; him sleeping while I sit by his side keeping watch. The entire time I keep myself preoccupied with thoughts of 'if only I was able to tell him of my feelings', and day dream of what could be, as he sleeps...