"You were right, Clarke. Life is about more than just surviving."
Lexa's last words still rang in Clarke's ears. Feeling pain like never before, the sky girl sat in the corner of the commander's room, right next to the bed they made love in just a few hours ago. Her eyes hurt from crying, her whole body shaking, her heart a black hole, breaking over and over again. The moment the bullet hit Lexa, Clarke knew what was about to come. She knew the moment the bullet drilled its way into the brunette's body. She knew she couldn't safe her, just like everybody else. She couldn't safe her dad, she couldn't safe Atom, Wells, Charlotte. Just like Anya's second, just like Finn. Everything she touched was determined to break.
The grounders were right about her all along. She was the one wanheda. The commander of death. It was her fault that 300 grounders died that day at the dropship. It was her fault that all the people in Tondc died when the missile dropped. The death of all these innocent people who helped the Arkers, all the children, in Mount Weather was also on her. And now Lexa. The commander of twelve clans, the girl who never actually had the chance to live her life, the girl who always put her people before herself, the girl who always wanted the best for everyone, the love of her life. The girl who's only mistake was to love Clarke.
The black blood on Clarke's hands was long dried, her hair hanging in her face. Her beautiful blue eyes were red and swollen from all the crying, but she couldn't help herself. Lexa's death was her fault, how could she ever stop crying? If she would've just left when she intended to, nothing would've happened. She shouldn't have kissed Lexa. She should've told her may we meet again right back, but no. She had to give in to her feelings, ignoring everything that was going on around them, she had to kiss Lexa, over and over again, until it lead to them having sex. And now Lexa was dead.
Dead.
Lexa is dead.
The blonde still couldn't believe it. It was everything a bad dream, the worst nightmare she ever had. She would wake up soon, right in Lexa's arms, right in the position they fell asleep in after round two. She would smile at the girl in front of her, leaning towards her slowly, kissing her with everything she had to offer. She would pour all of her love into that one kiss, she would show Lexa how she really felt about her. Her current state couldn't be real. Lexa couldn't be dead. She was... She was Lexa. The girl who gripped onto a blade of a sword, the blood running down her arms, without even showing one sight of pain. She couldn't be dead.
A new tear ran down Clarke's cheek. It was a wonder there was even one tear left inside of her body. Her body felt like it was on fire, but not the good kind of fire like when Lexa touched her. No, it was the cruel kind of fire, igniting her whole body, eating her up from the inside. Her chest tightened with every thought of the commander, she couldn't breathe, it felt like the last bit of oxygen was sucked out of her lungs.
Clarke started sobbing again, her head was buried inside of her hands, all she wanted to do right now was drowning in her sorrow. She wanted the guilt to creep up on her, to stay there permanentely. She deserved it. She deserved all the pain in the world, after everything she did. She deserved to die, not Lexa. If she could turn back time, Clarke wouldn't even have started arguing with Titus, she wouldn't have tried to run. She would've just stood there, waiting for the flamekeeper to fire the gun at her. She didn't even care what would've happened to Murphy if Titus killed her and told heda it was the Arker. All she cared about was Lexa. Lexa. Lexa. Lexa.
After another few hours Clarke still wasn't able to move. She was still sitting on the ground in Lexa's room, exhaustion taking over her body. The blonde girl closed her eyes, not having the strengh to keep going any longer. Lexa was the only one keeping Clarke sane, the missing piece of her puzzle, they were only complete together. And now that she was taken from her, what was left worth living for? A last tear rolled down Clarke's face before she fell asleep.
"In peace may you leave the shore
in love may you find the next
safe passage on your travels
until our final journey on the ground
may we meet again."