Title: The Broken Lights On The Freeway Have Left Me Here Alone
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Jo, Sam/Amber(OFC)
Rating: Swearing, PG/M I guess
Summary: Dean can't let go of the past and that leads to problems when Sam does and even more when Sam tries to force Dean to as well.
A/N: AU, title taken from 'Broken' by Lifehouse, takes place after 'We Were Made To Never Fall Away' and 'If We Could See That This Was All We Need'.
A/N2: Also if anyone's wondering I'm imagining Amber to be Anne Dudek, (what can I say the Winchesters like blondes lol also I think Anne is a very good actress and she could pull off what I'm looking for in Amber) I then realised she had actually played a character named Amber in House haha so if you want just imagine Amber from House if you've seen that show
A/N3: 'The Tapedeck Songs' Series Part 3
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Supernatural or its characters only Amber (Sam's girlfriend) and anyone else you don't recognise, I don't own Lifehouse or their song Broken
For the third time that month Dean wakes up in Sam's guest bedroom, every now and then he finds he's more surprised to wake up in his own bed rather than the Impala or a bar floor or Sam's guest bedroom. He gets up and goes into the guest bathroom, he looks into the mirror, he looks terrible, he feels terrible too but it's better than the numbness. He washes his face and goes back into the bedroom to get his jacket and boots; he's ready to go except his keys, they're not on the floor, not in his jacket, not on the bedside table. Dean walks into the kitchen to continue his search.
"Oh you're up." Amber says clearly unimpressed.
"Where are my keys?" Dean asks.
"Good morning Amber, thanks for letting my drunk ass stay here last night, how are you, I'm ok, got any plans for today? Oh a new exhibit is opening at the museum that must be stressful, how's it going? Not too well? Sorry you didn't get enough sleep last night because of my phone call and then drunken stumbling." Amber says mocking Dean. Dean rolls his eyes as he grabs the juice from the fridge and drinks some from the bottle.
"Damn it Dean use a glass!" Amber exclaims coming over and taking the juice from him, Dean wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
"Where's Sam?" he asks.
"Getting ready for work, unlike you he has a job." Amber says.
"Whatever." Dean mutters as Sam came into the kitchen.
"Hey Dean how are you feeling?" Sam asks.
"Fine, where are my keys?" Dean asks.
"Aw come on Dean I was hoping you'd stay for breakfast." Sam says. He's disappointed; he knows it's been a particularly hard month, Jo's birthday on the 7th and something else on the 19th, something Sam doesn't know but something that hurts Dean all the same. Sam wonders what it was, he's always been curious, he nearly asks the next morning but Dean doesn't know he listened to the tape and Sam know it's none of his business no matter how curious he is.
"Sorry no can do Sammy." Dean says, Sam sighs and Amber reaches into the third draw down and grabs Dean's keys, Dean makes a mental note that that's where his keys will probably always end up for future reference, Amber throws the keys, underhand, and they ark across the table to him, Dean catches them and heads for the front door.
"You're welcome." Amber shouts after him, all she gets in response is the door slamming. She turns to Sam.
"Why do you put up with his crap?" she asks.
"You don't understand." Sam says.
"You're right I don't." Amber says turning back to the coffee maker. Sam sighs as he hears the Impala engine start up and Amber puts a cup of coffee in front of him and leaves the room.
Dean gets in the Impala and puts the key in the ignition. He looks back at the house Sam and Amber share and can't help but feel bitter and resentful. He knows it isn't fair to hate Sam for moving on and being happy but it was supposed to be him, him and Jo moving on and being happy. Sam could have been happy then too, Dean would have been happy for him. but it hasn't worked out that way. It's stupid he knew to be so fixed on this fantasy life that he wouldn't have had anyway, him and Jo they were hunters from blood to breed, they weren't the settling down type. That doesn't stop him seeing it though, the life with Jo he could have had. As he drives he imagines a world where it's him and Jo in a nice house with a house garden and a white picket fence. He imagines himself working on the Impala in the driveway, it's a sunny day and Jo comes out to see him, he stops working on the Impala and looks at her, she's beautiful in a t-shirt and jeans. He imagines a happy life with her but it's all pretend.
Dean wakes up alone in bed but it's not a bad feeling, he reaches down to the floors and grabs his boxers, pulling them on quickly before heading into the kitchen, coffee is in the kettle and Jo is in his shirt, long sleeved, buttoned up and blue, she leaves the cuffs undone and only a few buttons and fixed, he watches with fascination as she stretches and yawns slightly, she looks amazing with no makeup on, even better in his shirt, even better than that out of it, Jo absentmindedly uses her left foot to scratch her right calf and Dean smiles as he watches her.
"Morning princess." He says and Jo turns to look at him, she grins.
"Hey hot stuff." She says. "Sleep well?"
"Until you got up yeah." Dean says, Jo rolls her eyes and turns back to the coffee maker to pour two cups.
"You don't believe me?" Dean asks coming over to her and spinning her to face him, Jo smiles tilting her head to the side as she run her fingers through his hair and down the side of his face.
"Course I do." She says and leans up to kisses him.
"You better." He says lifting her to sit on the bench, he settles himself between her knees, her arms around his neck, his hands slip underneath his own shirt and slide against her skin.
"Dean." Jo moans.
"Yes m'lady." Dean smiles against her collarbone, Jo laughs and pulls his head up to her so she can kiss him on the lips.
"Can you two not do that when I'm in the room?" Sam asks, Dean reluctantly, always reluctantly, pulls away from Jo's lips and turns to his brother.
"You didn't seem to mind when you were asleep." He teases. Sam pulls a face at the thought knowing they wouldn't have actually done that, or at least hoping they wouldn't. Jo hits Dean across the chest, a half assed attempt at what she's not sure because she doesn't mind what he says to Sam when his hands are halfway in her underwear. But Sam's moving from the counter with his fresh cup of coffee to the table, he's still in the same room and it's a bit of a turn off. Dean's hands retreat from her underwear to sit at her hips but he kisses her again.
"People eat here you shouldn't be doing that in the same area as food." Sam says as he sits at the breakfast table.
"Think we should tell him we've already broken in that table?" Dean whispers against her jaw.
"You do and we won't break anything else in... for a very long time." Jo threatens pushing him back slightly and giving him a look, she means business, Dean nods, Jo smiles and slips off the counter, Dean turns to face his brother as Jo moves past the sink to the coffee pot.
"So Sammy not that I don't love your company but when are you thinking of leaving?" Dean asks.
"Be nice." Jo tells him grabbing both cups of coffee and Dean laughs and takes his coffee from Jo.
Turning left he tries to rid himself of these thoughts, they don't do him any good. He hasn't had his coffee yet; that's what he tries to focus on, up ahead he sees a diner and pulls in. He orders a coffee and ignores the flirty waitress; he orders some breakfast to go with his coffee, a big fry up, lots of grease, lots of fat, lots of bad things for his arteries. His coffee comes first, black, two sugars, he takes a sip and the taste is bitter, he adds an extra sugar and stirs; his coffee still tastes bitter, he wishes it was Irish, hair of the dog and such, the coffee Jo made for him wasn't bitter... the coffee Jo made for him wasn't real. He finishes and pays, small tip, nothing to get her in his pants but he doesn't want to, she brought him coffee and food, she deserves something. He gets in his car, the napkin with the waitresses number on it still where she left it on the table, Dean drives away from the dinner, the waitress, Sam, Amber, their house, their life. He wishes for a life with Jo, he drives forwards to where he hopes he'll find it but where he knows he won't.
The phone rings and Sam answers, still half asleep.
"Yes I am, ok where exactly? The one just off Route 20?" he asks. "Ok I'll be there soon, thanks for calling."
Amber watches the red numbers on the clock flick from 3:21 to 3:22 and rolls over.
"Stay." She says already knowing it is useless, Sam's halfway dressed and even if he wasn't he will always go and drag his brothers' drunk ass home, never telling her why. She understands family loyalty, her youngest sister in particular but there has to be a line and that line is 3am. It's already over the line but Sam's still pulling shoes on.
"I'll be back soon." He says leaning down to kiss her on the cheek. "Sorry I woke you."
"He can't always rely on you Sam." Amber tells him. Sam runs a hand through his hair.
"I'll try to be quiet." He says ignoring the statement and Amber rolls her eyes; 'I'll try to keep Dean from knocking over your grandmothers other antique vase' is what he really means. Sam goes to get his keys and Amber sighs, lying back in bed and looking at the ceiling.
"Damn it Dean." She mutters into the dark room hoping that in whatever dingy bar he's in he can feel her angry thoughts about him, childish she knows but Dean's not the most responsible person around either.
Dean wakes up with a hangover; it's gotten to the point where the rare occasions he wakes up without one are the odd days. He looks around the motel room and then to the other side of the bed, blonde hair, Dean smiles.
"Jo." He says shaking her gently awake. The woman rolls over and it's not Jo. Dean feels sick, the hangover, the alcohol in an empty stomach and the fact that his biggest dream has just been ruined, maybe too for the fact that he knows he slept with this woman whose name he doesn't care about who he picked up in a bar he can't remember, he feels like he's cheapening Jo, ruining her memory by sleeping with such a shameful imitation. Dean ignores her curious stare as he gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom, he'd run if he could but suddenly being vertical doesn't feel right. He locks the door, a cheap lock in a cheap room in a cheap motel. He tries to throw up but nothing will come.
"So who's Jo honey?" the woman asks through the door. Dean closes his eyes and prays she'll leave.
"It's ok, I wasn't looking for more than some good sex, you delivered on that end don't worry." The woman continues.
"Please leave." Dean says unsure if she can hear him, he looks around the bathroom. He sees Jo sitting on the bench next to the sink smiling at him, Dean closes his eyes.
"Well I tell you this Jo must mean a lot to you, I guess she's a blonde." This woman says – she waits a moment. "Oh come on, tell me about her, it'll be fun."
"She likes me." Jo says smiling. "That's sweet."
Dean opens his eyes; she's right next to him now.
"Fine you don't have to tell me about her but I know you love her, she should know it too." The woman tells him through the bathroom door.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Dean whispers looking at Jo, tears in his eyes, Jo smiles softly.
"I know." She tells him and runs her hand down the side of his face.
"Are you ok?" the woman asks coming closer, she knocks on the door. "Hun are you alright?"
She twists the handle back and forth.
"I'm fine." Dean tells her.
"Well ok then, do you want to grab some breakfast?" the woman in the other room asks, he still doesn't know her name, she didn't offer it and he didn't ask for it.
"Please leave." Dean says again, louder this time.
"Hey I'm just trying to be nice." The woman tells him.
"No I don't want breakfast please leave." Dean says.
"Fine." The other woman says she's clearly hurt but hides it with a bitter edge. He's an asshole, yes he knows.
"I'm already gone." Dean doesn't know who says this but he watches Jo fade away and hears the motel room door shut behind the other woman.
He's alone.
"I'm sorry Jo." He says again.
Sam must have got him at a drunk moment or a hung over morning, that wouldn't have been hard, either way he says Dean agreed to attend a dinner party on Saturday night, a couple of Amber's friends, a couple of his colleagues from the firm he's working at, he even holds Dean to it. Dean agrees because he had no other plans and free food is never a bad thing.
Within five minutes he regrets showing up at all. Firstly he's underdressed compared to the suits and cocktail dresses, not that it matters that much, everyone asks what he does, he changes his answer with each person 'in sales' 'heart surgeon' 'drifter' 'donkey wrangler' 'the guy that invented post-it notes' Amber's annoyed by his behaviour, Sam hides his smile. Dean drinks his way through at least two bottles of wine, Amber takes his keys and chucks them in the top draw, Dean assigns himself to sleeping in the guest room again. He hardly notices the women Amber introduces him to, three maybe, he doesn't remember their names, two brunettes and a blonde, he stays away from the blonde and drifts along the rest of the night. He doesn't remember anything but blurry shapes and the idea that if Jo was there she'd have been laughing at them all right along with him.
"So you know my friend Alison really liked you." Amber says the next time she sees him, Bobby's birthday.
"So?" Dean asks, he doesn't remember Alison, was she the blonde? One of the brunettes?
"Well I thought maybe you'd want to go out with her sometime." Amber suggests.
"No." Dean says simply but firmly and then he walks away over to Bobby and they start talking about the good old days pointedly shutting Amber out of the conversation. Amber had told Alison not to waste her time with Dean, he wasn't right for her, Alison hadn't listened, she'd pressed for his number, Amber had said she'd mention the idea after Alison reminded her that she was the one who set her up with Sam. Unwilling as she was the rejection of her friend didn't bring her happiness, why didn't Dean jump at the chance to date Alison? Smart, funny, way out of his league, into him. If anything Alison was too good for him. Amber spends the rest of the day trying to find out, bringing it up with Sam she is instantly shut down.
"Leave it alone, how about Toby he seemed into Alison?" he suggests and that's it. Amber's still confused.
A month or so later and another one of her friends wants Dean's number, Amber doesn't understand it. Dean turns this one down too. The third time around Dean caves and agrees to date her; she gets a phone call the next morning, Maggie telling her excited all the details, Amber smiles and makes all the right noises through hearing about Dean picking Maggie up and the entrees they ordered and the meal they had and the pub they went to and the pool they played but she balks at the 'goodnight coffee' moments Maggie seems to want to share. That's her brother in law, she doesn't need to hear it, it's only 9 in the morning and Amber has never known Dean to be up before 9, even later if he's been drinking.
"Is he there?" she asks Maggie incredulously, no Maggie tells her, Dean had to leave, early shift working at a garage. Later Sam tells her Dean quit that job last week. A week later Maggie calls Amber because Dean hasn't called her, Sam tells her not to hold her breath and suggests she set Maggie up with someone else.
"Dean won't call." Sam says.
"Well why the hell not?" Amber asks, hands on her hips, offended for her friend.
"Because..." Sam sighs.
"Because why?" Amber asks.
"He was in love with Jo." Sam says.
"Who's Jo?" Amber asks, Sam goes to his study, Amber follows, she watches from the door as Sam climbs up on a chair and reaches into the back of the closet. Sam steps off the chair with a shoe box, he goes to the desk and Amber meets him there, she watches as he opens the box and digs through his past, Amber sees snippets of his past, flashes of things she wasn't there for, it's Sam past, Amber thinks about her own, she has boxes in the attic, pictures around their home, some things still at her parents, she has a million lifetimes she keeps with her, Sam has a shoe box. He finds what he's looking for and brings it out into the world, it's a photo of a younger looking Sam and Dean and a blonde girl Amber's never known.
"This is Jo." Sam says pointing, she has her arms around both brothers shoulders, a smile across her face, her hip bumped to Dean's whose arm has slid across her back, his fingers curled around her hip bone, it's comfortable, Sam has his arm around Jo's shoulders, all three of them look happy leaning against the Impala.
"She's very pretty." Amber says and feels a rush of jealously, did Sam agree?
"She was yes." Sam nods he gives her a small smile. "No I didn't love her, not like Dean did, not like Dean does."
Amber takes the photo delicately in her hands, fingers grazing the edges, nothing more, afraid to smudge it with her fingerprints, taint it with her presence; she doesn't want to ruin the memory this photo represents. She can't comprehend it, the Dean in this photo, the smile he wears, the girl that brought that happiness out in him. The Dean she knows is bitter and angry and an asshole, she has a feeling though this Dean was different; she knows though that the Dean in the photo wasn't Prince Charming but he was as close as he could be, for her, for Jo.
"Dean had a dream about the future with Jo." Sam explains.
"What happened to her?" Amber asks.
"She was murdered." Sam says truthfully, he doesn't explain about the supernatural forces that led to her death. "Dean's never gotten over it."
"How long ago was it?" Amber asks.
"A little over three years." Sam says after a second of mental calculation.
"Don't you think it's time he?" Amber lets the rest of her sentence hang in the air.
"Maybe." Sam shrugs, he honestly doesn't know.
"Don't you think it's been long enough?" Amber asks and there's a voice inside her asking her 'is this about Dean and Jo or Sam and Jess?' she knows about Jess, Sam told her.
"I don't know how much time is enough." Sam admits, then he carefully takes the photo from Amber's hands and sets it on the desk, he takes her hands in his and waits for her to look him in the eyes, she does.
"I love you." Sam say and Amber smiles.
"I love you too." She says and he hugs her. Ambers rests her head on his shoulder and stares at the photo from the past, Sam, Dean, Jo.
"Dean." Amber begins and she's got this tone that Dean can't figure out.
"What?" he asks, usually he'd play along 'Yes Amber what is it I can do for you today?' all sarcasm of course and see what she'd say, not today, he's not in the mood. She's probably mad about him not calling her other friend, Mandy? Maddie? Molly? Mary? It didn't matter then, it doesn't matter now.
"She'd want you to move on." Amber says.
"Who would?" Dean asks playing the fool, the sinking feeling in his stomach is nothing he tells himself, Amber knows nothing he says but Amber knows a lot.
"Jo Dean." Amber says knowing he was trying to run away from their conversation.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Dean says walking out of the room, Amber follows.
"Yes you do Dean and running away won't help." She says. "Jo would want you to move on with your life."
"You don't know what you're talking about." Dean says grabbing his jacket from the lounge room.
"Sam told me about the two of you." Amber says and Dean whirls around to face her.
"Sam doesn't know what he's talking about." He yells and Amber steps back slightly, almost afraid of Dean and his reaction.
"Sam doesn't know what he's talking about." Dean repeats voice softer now.
"He said the two of you were in love." Amber says.
"Sam doesn't know, Sam never knew." Dean says shaking his head.
"Where are you going?" Amber asks when Dean turns and opens the front door. Dean looks back at her.
"Tell Sam he doesn't know what he's talking about, neither do you and your friend," he laughs, "I blew her off because all I wanted from her was a lay and I got it."
Amber watches him walk out to his car; she shuts the door and sighs.
Dean has never really talked much; he's never really known how to say what he's felt, especially not to slabs of stone.
"Did you know?" he asks. "Did you know just how much I cared?"
No answer.
"What am I supposed to do now?" he asks. "How am I supposed to move on?"
Ellen Harvelle
November 2nd 1968
November 19th 2009
Wife, Mother, Friend
She Will Forever Be Missed
Ellen would have known what to say, she would have had wisdom to share, she would have been a great mother-in-law, the thought of having a mother-in-law doesn't scare him as much as the thought of Ellen being that mother-in-law does. He tries to explain what he's feeling or thinking but all he comes up with are questions, the cold wind that blows through him gives him no answers.
Finally he goes to Jo. There's so much he wants to say, so much he wants her know, so much he hoped she had known. The words don't come. No eloquent speeches for the ages of lost love, unexpressed feelings and forever unfulfilled dreams of a future that doesn't exist. He has no words to explain everything he felt about her so he stands there, at her grave and cries.
"I'm sorry." He says.
"I love you." he tells her.
"I miss you." he sobs.
"I... I don't know what to do without you." he says, she was his anchor, without him even knowing it she held his life together, she held him together. She did it all with nothing more than a good left hook and a beautiful smile.
"It should have been me." He admits and then he leaves. Walking away he curses himself, he should have brought her flowers, he never remembered flowers. Jo deserves flowers, he hadn't brought her any when she was alive, another thing he regrets. He wants to bring her flowers, next time he'll bring her flowers.
Dean reaches the Impala and finds Sam waiting for him, his own car parked a bit away.
"I figured you'd be here." Sam says. Dean doesn't say anything.
"Amber told me what happened." Sam says. Dean scoffs.
"Sorry to break it to you Sammy but your girl is off her head." he says.
"I told her." Sam says.
"I know what you told her." Dean says. "Just because I fucked her friend and left doesn't mean the world will end, besides we've already seen that."
"I know what you're trying to do." Sam says. "If it didn't happen it can't hurt you... is it working?"
"Her friend wasn't interesting." Dean says. "I'm sorry."
"This isn't about Maggie." Sam says. "It's about Jo."
Dean clenches his hand at his side, Sam notices.
"I know Dean." Sam says. "You can pretend I don't all you like but I know."
"I don't care what you think you know." Dean says.
"Why didn't you tell me about you and Jo?" Sam asks.
"There wasn't anything to tell." Dean says.
"Don't do that, do you really believe that?" Sam asks. "That she meant nothing."
"Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me? When it happened or after?" Sam asks, he's hurt by this, it feels like a slap in the face. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I didn't want you to know." Dean explodes then softer he continues. "I didn't want you to know. It was between me and Jo; it had nothing to do with you."
"Why? Were you ashamed of being with her?" Sam asks, he knows how to push Dean's buttons and he doesn't know why but he knows he wants too, he wants him to do or say or feel something. Dean punches him, Sam's not sure if he expected that. Doubled over, hands to his jaw Sam glares at his brother. Dean speaks and his voice is low.
"Don't ever say that again." Dean demands. "Me and Jo, we are none of your business."
"I heard the tape Dean." Sam says standing straight, his jaw stings and tingles, Dean stays motionless, just starring and Sam knows he has to tell him everything now. "The tape of you and Jo you keep in your car."
He would have gone on and explained but Dean turns away from him, Sam's not sure if Dean speaks or if it's Sam's conscience.
"You had no right."
Sam knows it's true, he knew it when then too and there's nothing he can say to change the fact that he's heard it.
"I'm sorry Dean I know I shouldn't have." He says scrambling to explain, Dean looks back at him, he sighs and shakes his head. Sam stands and watches him drive away. He can see Sam in the rear view mirror but he doesn't stop or even slow the car, he just keeps on driving.
It starts to rain, to pour down so heavy he can barely see three feet in front of him, stupidly he doesn't stay under the speed limit, he can't bear to stop, a shadow flashes across the road and Dean reacts, swerving the car, with all the water on the road his tyres can't grip and he hydroplanes, his car spins and twists across the road, finally he gets it under control and pulls off to the side of the road. He shuts the engine off, all but the radio. He ejects the current tape and changes it, a deep breath and a sigh, he presses play, it starts halfway through a sentence.
"-ike what?"
"I don't know... tell me a secret."
Jo's voice is like a song.
"Ok I love you."
He mouths the confession along with his past self and then the rest of the tape.
"Say it again."
"I... aw shit Jo come on."
"Say it. Please?"
"I love you Jo."
"Aren't you going to say anything right about now?"
Jo's laugh breaks his heart.
"Like you don't already know I love you too you big idiot."
His voice breaks then, he stops mouthing along even though he knows the rest by heart, he forces his hands to stay away from the 'stop' button, he has to do it, hear it through, that doesn't mean he can do it without feeling, without reacting, he falls apart, sobs racking his body until he can't breathe. He can feel her all around him, in the car, in his head, in his heart, in his soul, in his arms, in his lungs, in his blood, she's everywhere but nowhere, he can feel her but she's not there.
"You know its permanent right?" Jo asks. "There's no coming back."
He closes his eyes as the rest of the tape plays, the rain beats down on the roof and Dean wants nothing more than to be there, he back where he was when he was happy, with Jo and a tape recorder at the Roadhouse dancing to the jukebox.
"Yeah you and me just driving around in the Impala, no destination."
Dean remembers his plan for a future with Jo, he remembers the dream he'd have, him and Jo driving around together, maybe even a baby seat in the back, he looks in the rear view mirror, fast food wrappers, a bag of clothes, no baby seat. His dream is dead, buried right next to Jo.
"Because I just saw us at something stupid like 80 laughing at all the 'damned kids' in their flying cars, driving around in the Impala and finding this tape."
She'd wanted it to, she'd wanted to be with him despite the fact he'd had nothing to give her, she hadn't wanted anything from him but the Impala and a tape deck, that he could have given her, they could have been happy.
Click.
The tape runs silent, the wheels keep turning with nothing left to play, nothing left to give, it reminds him of him, of his life, without Jo there's nothing but silence. Nothing left.
The rain doesn't stop but it does slow and Dean starts the engine again and pulls back out onto the road. He just drives, no destination in mind, he wills himself to be in the past with Jo, in the future of flying cars with Jo, in a different world where Jo was alive. He's not so he drives hoping to arrive somewhere he is. He thinks the Impala will die, break and rust before he finds Jo again. That makes his heart ache.
He has no destination in mind and he doesn't intend to but still he ends up near familiar roads and signs, he knows this turn well he knows there's a huge pothole up ahead, he adjusts accordingly, he hates that's it's so cold in Nebraska this time of year.
Dean pulls into the Roadhouse, boarded up and abandoned, he sleeps in his car parked right out front for a night, he dreams of his memories. Jo holding a rifle to his back, him taking it from her and her punching him in the face to get it back, she was the only woman who was ever a match for him.
He imagines her here with him as he lies on the bonnet of his car, he imagines her beside him. The stars above them smile. He remembers her once telling him about constellations, waiting until dawn to salt and burn a ghosts corpse she'd pointed out constellations. He'd believed her, not knowing any better, finally she'd burst out laughing.
"I don't know shit about constellations." She admits. "I made it all up."
"Well you had me fooled." Dean smiles.
"Yeah I did didn't I?" Jo grins, a beautiful smile.
"Well you are college educated." Dean smiles, Jo pulls a face.
"For all of 20 seconds and don't remind me." She says.
"Hey isn't there something about finding your way home if you follow the north star?" Dean asks. Jo shrugs.
"Maybe." She says. "But I mean what if you lived south of wherever you were?"
"Maybe you follow the south star or something." Dean suggests.
"How could you tell which was which?" Jo asks. "They all look the same."
Dean and Jo stare at the stars together in the quiet for a few more minutes.
"Wanna hear something depressing?" Jo asks.
"Sure." Dean shrugs.
"When I was little I used to love the stars, I thought they were beautiful, so pretty and sparkly, then someone told me that the brightest ones are the dying ones." Jo says. "I don't know if it's true or not but if it is, isn't that sad? That we can only see the last moments of stars I don't know, life or whatever. Like they're crying out for us to see them before they fade away forever and all we think is 'ooohhh look at the pretty lights'."
"Wouldn't it be more depressing not to see them at all?" Dean asks. "They live in the darkness, we only notice them when they die, going out with a bang is something at least."
"Yeah I suppose." Jo agrees. "I think that's what I want... I want to at least be remembered, my life or my death I guess it doesn't matter... I don't want to die in the dark."
"You wanna go out in a blaze of glory?" Dean asks.
"Something like that." Jo says.
"Me too." Dean agrees.
Dean stares at the sky, he can still see her constellations, 'The Flying Kite', 'The Ladle' ("If there's a giant pot why can't there be a ladle?" Jo asks him "Are you going to tell me there's a knife and fork too?" Jo scans the sky then shakes her head, "I don't think you can see them on this side of the world.") 'The Badger' 'The Shoes' 'The Palm Tree' they're all there but no one else knows of their existence. To him they far outweigh 'The Big Dipper' or 'The Scales' or that guy with the belt or whatever. He falls asleep watching the stars connect in ways no one else understands; when he wakes they're gone.
He has 20 missed calls, he ignores them all, he drives to on dirt roads, turning on whims, he ends up at a lake, he finds an empty cabin and breaks a window to get in, it rains for the five days he's there, the weather fits his mood, the day he leaves it stops raining, Dean throws his phone as hard as he can and watches it ark and fall into water, he doesn't miss it at all.
He ends up on Bobby's doorstep, he would have called first but... Bobby doesn't mind. He stays on Bobby's couch for two weeks, Sam calls four times, the way Dean's face contorts and he spits Sam's name like a curse Bobby knows something is wrong between them. 'Sorry Sam he's not here, if he shows up I'll try and get him to call you' Sam doesn't seem like he'll be holding his breath. Dean doesn't explain the reasons why he won't take his brother's call and Bobby doesn't push him. One night Bobby makes a toast.
"To all the ones we've lost." He says. Dean knows what day it is, how many years it's been and exactly who he's talking about, he's thankful for the toast, that someone else remembers, he's even more grateful Bobby doesn't want to talk about it.
The next day he tells Bobby he's going to head off again, it's practically the longest he's stayed in one place for a while and he's getting claustrophobic, Bobby doesn't try to make him stay, he does force him to take an old phone with him 'just in case' Dean chucks it into the glove box and doesn't think twice about it.
He drives until he runs out of gas, he fills the tank again and keeps going. He drives until he can't keep his eyes open, he finds the nearest hotel, sleeps until he wakes and drives again. He drives until the road ends, he turns left or right and drives some more, the roads go on for miles, there's always somewhere to go. He repeats this cycle again and again, he passes though nameless, faceless towns, tiny one horse towns, bigger cities, middle of nowhere shacks and landmarks, he crosses state lines and never slows, he drives until he reaches the ocean, it's 4am when he finally parks the car. He sits on the beach and waits. He doesn't know what he's waiting for but he sits and he waits.
Long after the sun rises, long after the early swell surfers and the runners and the dog walkers, Dean stands he digs a quarter out of his pocket, heads he goes north, tails he goes south.
He flips the coin, gets in the car and starts the engine.
In his mind he sees Sam in the rear view mirror wanting him to stop, to turn back, to 'move on' with his life, he looks over and sees Jo in the passenger seat, she doesn't want anything from him, he has nothing to give her, it doesn't matter.
Dean keeps driving.