A/N: If this idea has already been used, then I'm terribly sorry to the person who wrote it before me. I didn't know. With that said, I have had the urge to write this story for a long time. I love The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, but more specifically The Inferno. And I love Devil May Cry a whole bunch too. You see where I'm going with this? The story practically writes itself. But my version is going to be a non-poetic, humorous one.
— This is told from Dante's perspective primarily.
Rating: I'm rating this T, I suppose. Mostly for language and stuff. It may go up in the future, but we'll see.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, Devil May Cry, or any other assorted characters and such. But I wish I did. They belong to Dante Alighieri and Capcom respectively.
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Dante's Inferno (The Non-Alighieri Version)
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I find myself trapped in a forest of trees. Dead trees. And everything around me is gray and mournful and all that jazz. And I can't help but ask myself: "What the great Caesars's ghost is going on here?!" Searching my surroundings, I realize that I have no idea where I am. At all. It reminded me of that one time when I had gone out drinking. I swear I only had a few beers and other assorted alcoholic beverages, but you know as well as I do that that's just a crock of crap. Anyway, I got to the point where I couldn't find my way home and ended up asking a stop sign for directions. Giving no response, seeing as how it was an inanimate object, I became angry and swung at it with my fist. Missing it completely, I went sailing into a wall and was knocked out. The rest of that story will go unknown, because, God dammit, I'm lost in a forest.
Finally, I was able to catch sight of a gigantamonumous mountain. I figured that was the best way to head considering that the forest was really starting to trip me out. Ya know when you start to look at something for too long and it becomes all distorted and creepy and looks like it's moving? Well, that's what was happening to me now. And I hate that. So, mountain it is!
Making my merry way, I swerve past a rather large, crooked tree only to come face to face with a leopard. A really mean, big one. After staring at it for a good long time, I choose the best course of action: run away. I scamper behind the big, ugly tree and start climbing like a mad man. Sitting peacefully in the branches, I realize that this un-Godly huge leopard isn't making a move or anything. And what the Hell am I so worried about? I've shot down, strangled, beaten, and otherwise killed things twice as big as this guy. Thus, realizing I should be fine, I leap out of the tree and walk calmly over to the leopard. Giving it a pet on the head, I continue making my way. All of a sudden, it smacks me from behind and sends me reeling into the dirt. Brushing the dirt off as I stand, I turn only to find that it's not there. Instead, I see this huge shadow pass over me and then the ground starts shaking. Jumping around abruptly, I come to see the Leopard . . . and his close friends the Lion and the She-Wolf. Oh, peachy.
"WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE DOING HERE, HUMAN?" the Lion demands. "Uh, just passin' through," I tell him. "YOU ARE NEITHER DEAD NOR DYING, AND, THUS, DO NOT BELONG HERE!" the Leopard growls. "Well, I'm really not here by choice. Believe me, you guys aren't good company," I respond. Laughing, the She-Wolf steps in front of the other two creatures and snarls, "GET OUT OF HERE, HUMAN." Not enjoying their tone's one bit, I step back and pull out Ebony and Ivory. Yeah, that'll show these bitches. For some reason though, I'm terribly afraid of this massive wolf. Could it be that I have strayed from the True Way and, because I'm now faced with a creature that embodies that sin, feel that I am at a hopeless loss? . . . Nah couldn't be that. Must be her sharp teeth or something. Anywho, I leap over the beasts and run for the mountain. Screw fighting them. I mean, come on, a three on one fight is never fair. Especially when your facing a pack of phantasmagorically large, unearthly beings of a nonhuman variety who talk in all caps. It's really a lose-lose.
Almost reaching the base of the mountain, I am flung back by something big and hairy. Recovering from my daze, I realize that it's the She-Wolf. And she looks royally pissed. Pleasant. "YOU MAY NOT CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN, BOY," she says bearing her fangs, "FOR YOU HAVE STRAYED FROM THE TRUE PATH." Dammit, I hate it when I ignore my philosophical thoughts. Pushing me back into the forest, the She-Wolf took one last look at me and went back to her post, her eyes daring me to try that again. Sitting on the ground with a huff, I try to devise a plan which will help me get out of here. But I got nothing."Jesus Christ, Dante. Are you lost again? What's wrong with you?" Jumping from the sound of someone interrupting my thoughts, I look around me only to find nobody there. Grabbing my knees and rocking back and forth, I've come to the conclusion that I must be crazy. Hopefully I'll die soon. But a few moments later, a man jumps down from the trees and lands in front of me.
"Vergil?! What the Hell are you doing here?" I cry latching onto his leg. "I've come to lead you through Hell, Idiot," he says glaring down at me. "Hell? This ain't Hell. It's a Goddamn forest," I point out. "Oh, sweet and simple, Dante," my brother says to me, "This is near the entrance to Hell. We are currently in The Dark Wood of Error." "Vergil, how the Hell do you know that?" I question. Shrugging his shoulders, Vergil responds, "I just do. Now, follow me." He's crazy if he thinks I'm going to blindly to take orders from him. "Hold up, Mister High and Mighty. Why are you doing this, and am I dreaming?" Turning around to face me, Vergil answers, "No, you're not dreaming. You're just a dirty sinner who is possibly contemplating suicide." "I am not!" "I said possibly, now shut up and listen. Beatrice has asked me to guide you through Hell to rectify your wrong, sinning ways." Giving him a questioning look, I ask, "Who the Hell is Beatrice?" "Uh, I mean Trish. Trish has asked me to help you through Hell." Wondering if he needs help, I ask, "Trish asked you to guide me through Hell? And for what reason exactly?" Staring at me unsurely, Vergil puts his hand up to his chin and starts with a "Hmm . . . "
(Flashback): Comfortably at home, Vergil is sitting down to a nice cup of tea and a crumpet. Placing his shawl around his shoulders, Vergil looks outside to see it will be a warm, cozy day. Grabbing his tea cup, he gently lifts it to his mouth and takes a sip. Ah, that's good. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Standing to answer it, Vergil wonders who that could be. Opening the door, he finds Trish standing there. "Hello, Vergil," she says with a smile. "Why, hello there, Trish. Might I interest you in a cup of tea?" Waving her hand as if to say 'no' politely, Trish starts calmly, "I need you to do me a favor." Taking her coat for her, Vergil invites her to sit down. She does. "Now," Vergil says sitting, "What can I do for you?" "Well, you see," Trish begins, "It's about Dante. I think he's lost." Giving a sigh, Vergil scoffs, "Dammit, he's like a little kid. Okay, well, where'd you last see him? At the grocery store? The movies?" Shaking her head, Trish answers, "No, I mean that he's lost his way in life. I'd like you to be his guide through Hell. Being the sweet, yet brute-ish little idiot that he is, I fear he'll be killed or something before he can make it to the end and understand his sins and stuff. So, would you please be a good brother and help him?" Giving another sigh, Vergil glanced at the picture on his mantle. It was a picture of Dante and himself as wee lads after they had killed their first demon. Ah, they were covered in blood and grime, but had just the brightest smiles on their faces. Whipping away a tear, Vergil turned to Trish and said, "You can count on me." "Oh, thank you, Vergil!" And with that, the two said their good-byes, and Trish left Vergil to his peace. (End of Flashback)
Watching Vergil for the past five minutes was getting to be extremely annoying. All I asked was a simple question and he just up and blanks out on me. Maybe he's a robot that I need to insert a coin into to make him start moving again . . . but probably not. Maybe. Taking a quarter out of my pocket, I saunter over to him and stare at him a bit. He must really be deep in thought . . . oh well. And I stuck the quarter in his eye. "AGH!," he screamed as anyone would who just had something lodged in their eye, "What the Hell's wrong with you?!" Shrugging, I said, "I thought I needed to insert a quarter for you to tell me the Goddamn answer to my very easy question." Rubbing his eye, he finally got an 'Oh Yeah!' moment and said, "Well, um . . . she thinks it'll be a good experience for you. Yeah, a good experience. That'll work." Ignoring his blabbering lunacy, I say, "Well, let's get this show on the road, then." Deciding that's a good idea, we both make haste down into Hell.
"By the way," Vergil begins with a mean laugh, "Nice work up there. I could totally see their awe for your amazing-ness when you went running frantically up to that mountain." Blushing in anger, I responded with a, "Shut up, Vergil," and we continued to make our way down, Vergil laughing all the while. "What was that mountain anyway?" I asked him, becoming increasingly more annoyed with his laughing at my expense. Clutching his stomach from the pain of laughing so hard at something so stupid, Vergil finally gained enough control to stutter, "Ah-haha, that was . . . hehe, whoo . . . That was the Mountain of Joy. That's where we're heading. It'll mean that you finally understand Hell and sinning and stuff." Nodding, I realize that we've reached a gate.
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here," I read out loud, "Hmm, that sounds pleasant." "It's not," Vergil says either ignoring my sarcasm or just not getting it, "Now, shut up and follow me." As Vergil is working on opening the gate, I glance back up at the warning of doom. It's longer than just the "Abandon all hope blah, blah, blah," but it all basically says the same thing. If you're down here then that means you're stupid and bad. Nothing can save you and prepare to be in a world of pain. FOREVER!! Muwhahaha! Getting an idea, I take out Ebony and point it at the sign. Shooting a few shots, I begin to snicker a little. "What the Hell are you doing, Dante," Vergil asked as he walks over to me. Glancing up at the sign, Vergil shakes his head and sighs, "God, you're an idiot." Dragging me from my spot, Vergil and I enter the impressive Gate to Hell that now sports a new slogan: "Abandon all hope, enter here."
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A/N: And there you have it. The first chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it thus far. Review's are appreciated. The next chapter should be out soon, but I can't promise anything. Anyway, thank you for reading!