Severus…
Severus…
It's time to wake up…
His eyes opened slowly, ever so slowly, as if he had been asleep for a long time, and he rubbed them in an attempt to clear away the fog of the dream world. With the last vestiges of sleep cleaned from his eyes he looked around, and flinched, startled by his surroundings. Why, he thought, why am I here of all places? Am I not dead? If so, is this my hell, personally crafted by some evil demon to torment me for all eternity?
I resent being called a demon, Severus, it's hardly polite…
Severus jumped at the sound of the voice that had no sound at all.
Don't be so shocked my dear boy, is it really that much of a surprise to hear voices in your head? After all, you are dead…
Dead? Yes, I suppose I am, one can hardly be expected to survive the bite of serpent that was conveniently located at one's jugular. At that moment, Severus realized how uncomfortable a sensation it was to have a voice laughing inside of his head.
I have always admired that about you Severus, fatalistic to the bitter end you are…bit late for it lad, you've already arrived at the in-between world that rests 'twixt life and death…
Have I? I suppose that explains the location, although I can hardly fault my subconscious for choosing such a place. I sometimes thought of this place as a mix of purgatory and hell. Purgatory on the days that he was gone and hell on the days that he was here.
Yes, a nasty piece of work that one, I agree wholeheartedly…would you like me to tell you where he is?
No, I stopped caring a long time ago, that man was part of another life, a life I had no desire to belong to.
No…maybe that's why you clung so tightly to her…
…Yes, that is entirely possible.
I must say, you're being remarkably mellow about all of this…I've had people screaming, ranting, raving, crying, pleading, bargaining, threatening…I've seen it all, but you, I was expecting a different reaction, one with more swearing and pacing…
I believe that it is directly related to my rather, as you put it, fatalistic view of life. I believe that in the end, we are all dead. The rest is just semantics. And I've had a lifetime of swearing and pacing, indeed, more often than not, one man was the source and the victim of my attacks.
Yes, those were the most amusing conversations…there were many times that I thought you would draw your wand on the old fool and have done with it…obviously you had the patience and fortitude to withstand the mutterings of a half senile man bent on shaping the world to fit his plans…
I think that I have purged myself of all hateful feelings towards that man. After all, my curse was powerful enough to send him flying off the tower, regardless of whether he was leaning against the balustrade or not.
True…
Severus, I have a question…
Ask.
You acknowledge that you are dead, and yet you have not called me by my name, why is that, do you think?
Severus thought for a moment before answering. It is, I believe, due in part to my reluctance to fully recognize that I am dead, and also it is my reluctance to look at you, for I know what face I will see.
Fascinating, yes, quite fascinating…you are the first to know without having seen my face, but Severus, we cannot go on like this, you must face me despite your fear…and you must call me by my name…
Severus slowly turned to his right and looked into the eyes that were so achingly familiar. Lily.
Yes…and no…
Honestly, Severus, you should know better…she has gone on to her just rewards…
What you see before you is just an image, but an image imbued with all the knowledge and memories that she had in life…
Why, why her? Do you believe that I have not suffered enough? Twenty years, no, longer, I have been in agony, loving her and hating her and wishing that she were still alive even if she was not with me.
Yes…I know, Severus, how can I not? Your pain has been my pain for the entirety of your life…every shred of emotion that you have ever felt has been mine to bear as well…
Then why?! Why do this to me? Have I not earned my peace? What more must I do to be free from the torture of own existence?
Ah, the most difficult question of all…the answer is simple…face yourself and accept who and what you are and you will be free…free in death as you never were in life…
What a cruel being you are Master Death, cruel to ask such a thing of me, the most wretched of men.
Wretched? Yes, I suppose you are…
But it is not out of cruelty that I say this…after all, I have a vested interest in the wellbeing of your soul and state of mind…
You are powerful enough to make things very uncomfortable for me should you wish to deny your place in the afterlife…I would even make a, shall we say, an educated guess that you, if you so desired it, could rise from the dead and walk amongst the living again…
As if I had any desire to do that, I have spent over twenty years longing for death, I would not want to disappoint myself by starting to breathe.
True, you are a singularly morbid man…and your "happy" thoughts leave much to be desired…
My thoughts are my own, and I will thank you to keep out of them.
So terse Severus, don't you know that I would be denying myself a source of great amusement if I did that?
Please, do not mock me while you wear her face, I cannot bear it.
Very well…
Severus…do you regret being dead? Do you regret the life that you have spent in mourning and in solitude? Do you hold regret for never taking the chance to love someone else? Do you regret joining the ranks of Lord Voldemort?
Do you regret the death of Lily Potter and the life of her son, Harry?
You know the answers to those questions, why must I say them aloud?
For your own peace of mind, acceptance is the first step towards understanding and understanding is a step towards forgiving yourself for your sins and the sins of others that you have had to bear…
I have no desire to forgive myself, there is only one person that I would accept such a gift from, and I vowed to never see her again, in life or in death.
And I am irrelevant to this vow?
You said it yourself, you are the image and the memories. You are not her.
Still, I would like to hear the answers in your own voice…
Your most humble servant will oblige as he has no pressing engagements at the moment. I do not regret being dead, I have waited a lifetime for such an occurrence and I feel reluctant to let go of it. This lack of regret is probably due to the fact that I had nothing of worth to stay alive for. Lily has been dead for many years, my task was fulfilled, and all I really wanted to do was sleep. An eternity of sleep, peaceful sleep mind you, was a luxury that I was willing to die for. Do I regret my life of mourning and solitude? It's hard to say, I have never been a sociable person, and my attitude did little to raise my esteem in the eyes of my colleagues. I do not regret being alone, however, I did not learn to like being lonely. As to the mourning, can one ever regret grieving over the loss of a loved one? No, I do not regret mourning her loss. Do I regret not seizing the chance to love someone else? There was little opportunity to devote myself to the pursuit of some woman, and had there been, I would have rejected it. After all, I was partially responsible for the death of the only person, and woman, that I had ever loved. Do I regret joining the Dark Lord? If I had not overheard the prophecy and then told him, I would have remained his follower. It was the only time in my life that I felt a sense of belonging. I am well aware of my faults, and it is because of my nature that I was an outcast at school, and the stigma followed me after graduation. I wanted to belong, and this desire led me straight into the clutches of the Dark Lord. But Lily was threatened, and not even my desire for a place in this world could overcome my desire to keep her safe. So yes, I regret joining the ranks of the Death Eaters. And I suppose that also answers your last question. I regret the death of Lily Potter, with all my heart and whatever is left of my soul. I would have died in her place without a moment's hesitation, even if it meant that James Potter would live, at least she would be alive and happy.
You have not mentioned Harry…
I have made no secret of the fact that I despise the boy. It was torture to look at him every day and see the eyes of his mother, and then to see the hair that was undoubtedly his father's. I hated him, if he had not been born then Lily would have lived. And I hated him because I was protecting him so that he could become another one of Dumbledore's sacrificial lambs. Yes, I regret the life of Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived only to die when it was convenient. I don't suppose I'll be running into him sometime in the near future?
No, not for some time yet anyway, the boy has escaped my grasp once again…
He's alive? By all the gods and their hells, how did he manage that one?
His body was hosting two souls, only one of them had to die…
So Dumbledore's theory was correct, that will make the man unbearably insufferable, I don't think I could put up with his gloating for all eternity.
If you wish it, I can restrict his access to you, already I feel him probing for your location…
Please do, his is one of the faces that I have no desire to see.
I thought so, and I have taken measures to prevent him finding you…but he is most persistent and I can only think of one way that you might escape his clutches for at least several decades, if you so choose…
And with that, Severus, I regret to inform you that our time together is nearly up…
What do you mean? I'm dead, I have all the time in the world.
Yes…but as I said earlier, you do not have to remain dead if you do not wish it.
Why would I wish to be alive, as I said earlier, I have no desire to live when I have nothing to live for.
Do you honestly believe that? What about all those research projects that you always wanted to do , but never had the time for? What about taking the opportunity to really fall in love with someone, and have them love you back? What about living your life without the shadows of two masters hanging over you? I could give you your life back…it is within my power…
Why? Why me, out of all the people that have died, why am I so deserving of your charity?
To put it simply, I like you…you have lived your life as honestly as someone in your position could, I admire that…and I believe in second chances, real ones that give you choices instead of offering the appearance of them.
Must I choose now? Can I not have time?
Now is all the time you have, I'm sorry…
But, what should I choose, a life of being scorned by everyone for being a spy and a traitor, to be branded as the man who murdered Albus Dumbledore while he lay defenseless. Why would I choose that over an eternity of rest?
It is your choice to make, the only thing I have left to say is that I believe, should you choose to live, things will not be as bad as you think they will be…
Severus thought for several long moments. I do not know what to choose, I am at a loss.
Severus, your time is running out…you must choose now, or an eternity here in the afterlife is all that you will have…
Very well, I choose…
Nineteen Years Later
"Blimey Harry, take a look at this, you're never going to believe what they've come up with this time." Ron thrust the paper beneath Harry's eyes. It was The Quibbler, the paper that was run by Xenophilius Lovegood and his daughter, Luna.
The headlines read, "Severus Snape: Alive and Living Like a King in Patagonia!"
"Really, Ron, how could you believe this rubbish? I wouldn't believe it until I had proof, solid proof, standing right before my very eyes."
"Well, it's not like its impossible. It could happen you know, I don't think that Voldemort was the only wizard to ever make a Horcrux."
"I highly doubt that Snape would want to live in a world without my mum."
"Well, we'll never know, will we?"