This was not originally intended to be anything, much less a work of fanfic, but it works, and I actually am happy with it. This is my first story. Ever. Please be gentle.
--C--
It was an unspeakable pain. There were no words to describe the pain she was in, both physically and emotionally.
She stood near the grave, a portrait of stoicism and strength. But that was the last thing she felt like doing on this day. She felt like falling to the damp earth, allowing her tears to run freely down her face and mix with the raindrops as they fell from the sky.
She wanted to cry for the man she was burying. She wanted to cry for his mother, who was burying her younger son. She wanted to cry for the violence and pain in the world. She wanted to cry for herself, because she was burying a friend who had given his life for her.
The realization he died to save her caused her so much guilt, she wondered if he had done the right thing. Yes, she had two sons who needed her, but the guilt she was left with was destroying her. Those two sons needed him as much as they needed her. She had no more of a right to live than he did. She could not understand why he gave himself to be killed rather than her. She did not understand.
She felt a hand rest on her shoulder for a moment, then remove itself as the other mourners began to move away from the grave and toward the shelter of the nearby tent. She did not follow them. She could not move away from the grave. It was as if she had become a piece of stone, placed in the middle of Arlington National Cemetery in mourning over the lost lives around her.
As the last mourner moved away, she fell to her knees, no longer able to support herself. And for the first time, she left herself cry. Her salty tears mixed with the falling raindrops, making it impossible to separate her grief from the grief of the weather. It was as if the heavens were grieving with her over the loss of her soldier.
Her heart was broken into a million pieces, and she did not know if she would ever be able to put it together again. He had always been the one to put her back together. To heal her. To save her. But now, he was gone, and she would have to find a way to live without him.
He was her whole world. He had spent years breaking down the walls she had built around her heart, allowing her to feel. She hated every time she saw the horrors of the world and her heart broke a little bit, in its vulnerability. But he was always there to put it back together.
Now… now she had to find a way to put it back together. But first, she needed to grieve. She was too weak to lift herself off the perfectly manicured grass, and too weak to try to put her heart back together. So she let herself cry. She cried for her sons who would never again know their father. She cried for the child she was carrying, who would never know his father. And she cried for herself, for her lost partner, lover, best friend, savior, strength, life.
Her body shook violently against the cold, wet grass. She shivered as sobs racked her body, her breathing erratic and strenuous. For the first time in her life, she just let herself feel. She did not think about it. She did not care what other people thought of her, on her stomach in the rain, her face buried in the grass next to his grave.
After what seemed like hours, her exhausted body shed the few tears it had left. Her body stilled as her breathing and heart beat regulated. She allowed herself a few more moments lying there, before slowly lifting herself to her knees. She said a silent prayer for him, even if she did not believe in a god, and lifted herself from the wet earth.
Soaked through to the skin and covered in mud, her auburn hair hanging limply around her shoulders, she finally made her way to the covered tent to find her sons.
She paused to look at his grave one last time before stepping out of the rain, and in that instant, the clouds broke apart for just a moment. A single ray of sunshine shone down on his headstone, creating a brilliant rainbow of color off the white marble, and she knew she would be alright.
It was as if he had spoken directly to her heart in that one ray of sunshine. In time, she knew her heart would heal. Because of him.