Well, it's been a few months in the making, but here's my new Kate/Sawyer story. Hope you all enjoy it. Thanks to Freelancer21 for being my amazing beta reader! You've been a huge help.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing.

Redemptus

Chapter 1.

She was pregnant. That one thought beat in Kate's mind like a drum, over and over again. It was all she could think about.

She couldn't be a mother. Her life had been destroyed because of Wayne's genes in her, the part of her that was him. Now someone else would have those genes. She couldn't bear the thought. The line should have ended with her.

She felt tainted. More so now than ever before. She wasn't surprised that Sawyer was avoiding her. She was sure he sensed it.

She didn't even know how to be a mother. She hadn't had a great childhood; she hadn't had any role models. What kind of person would this child grow into? Would it end up worse than her? Would it resent her? Would she even have a chance to raise it and screw up its life?

Rescue was coming. She was going to jail. The only way she could avoid it would be to go on the run again. How could she do that with a baby?

She needed Sawyer. She needed his support. She needed him to snap out of whatever it was that was wrong with him. She needed to know where he stood.

Kate didn't know what was wrong with him. She had a feeling it had to do with the pregnancy. It had started when he came back with that tape, when they'd found out what the Others wanted.

And then he'd said he hoped she wasn't pregnant. She didn't really want to know why he'd said that, or what he meant. It was too much. Maybe she was better off not knowing. But she wanted to know how he felt now. Deciding that Sawyer had been avoiding her long enough, she set out to find him.

Eventually, Kate managed to track Sawyer down. She found him in a fairly deserted part of the jungle, on his own, doing nothing. She paused out of sight, watching him for a moment. It looked like he'd come here to avoid everyone, not just her. The thought only increased her worry.

Determined not to let him get away with it any longer, she stormed out of the trees. She hadn't meant to get so angry. She'd wanted to avoid a fight, but after seeing him the way he was, fury rose up in her unbidden. She let it take over.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked accusingly. He looked up at her then; Kate saw regret written all over his face. Regret about what, she wasn't sure.

"We find out I'm pregnant, and you don't want anything to do with me anymore? Ever since you got that tape from Locke you've been different." Kate could feel her anger taking over her, but she couldn't fight it. Not that she was trying very hard. She continued yelling.

"Is the thought of a baby too much for you? You can't handle it now there's something tying you to me? What it is?!"

She saw that Sawyer was getting angry now too, and amidst her own tumultuous emotions, she felt a hint of relief.

"Not everything is about you, Kate." He said, his quiet tone barely masking his feelings.

"Then what is it about?" Her tone matched his perfectly.

He refused to look at her, choosing instead to focus on the rocks he was currently kicking around the jungle floor.

"You're better off without me."

Whatever Kate was expecting to hear, it wasn't this. She couldn't move. She didn't want to think about the implications of his statement. However, the question she didn't want to ask forced its way past her lips.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think it means, Kate?" he responded harshly. "I'm not a good person. You're better off getting out while you can."

Every thought, every emotion, every fear that had been crippling Sawyer was finally breaking free of him. It felt good to no longer be held their prisoner. He let the process continue.

"You remember me telling you about Mr Sawyer? You remember me saying I was gonna kill him? Well, I finally did it. Found him, here, on this island, and I killed him."

He was advancing on Kate now as he spilled his secrets. She stood stock still, refusing to back down, though her shock was obvious. She'd never imagined this.

"What was he doing here?" she asked quietly, wanting to say something, but unsure of what.

"Does it matter?" Sawyer spat out. "Point is he's dead. I killed him. I wasn't even planning on it. Something inside me snapped. That's the kind of person I am, Kate. Unpredictable. Do you really want me hanging around your kid?" He turned, avoiding her eyes, and started to stalk away. He didn't get very far before Kate called out to him.

"You think I'm any better, Sawyer?" He flinched at the name, hoping she didn't notice. Regardless of whether she saw it or not, Kate continued on.

"I killed my own father. I planned it all out, made it look like an accident. But my mother turned me in. I thought she'd be grateful. He's been beating her for years. She hated me for it."

She paused, waiting for Sawyer's reaction. His expression was unreadable.

"Did he hit you, too?" There was the slightest trace of concern in his voice. It surprised Kate, though not as much as the question itself.

"No." She said firmly.

"So why did you kill him then?" He seemed genuinely curious. Kate wasn't used to that, especially not accompanied by that particular question.

"Because he was a part of me. He was a bad person, and so I'll never be good. And now this baby has those same genes, so it'll be just as messed up as I am. You think it's better off without you? It can never be good anyway, and that's because of me."

She was crying now, the fear and the guilt over what she'd done to an innocent person overwhelming her. She should never have been allowed to have children.

Sawyer was staring at her intently, his eyes full of pity. Again, not something Kate was used to. After a full minute of silence, he finally spoke, shocking her once more.

"Don't be ridiculous."

Kate froze, instantly paralysed. If Sawyer noticed, he didn't care enough to stop his latest tirade.

"If you think the kid's gonna be screwed up, at least say it's because of something that makes sense. Like because there's a good chance it'll be raised here. Or because you don't know how to be a good mom because yours didn't exactly set a great example. Don't blame genetics. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Kate couldn't believe what she was hearing. Finally breaking free of her invisible bonds, she ran. Sawyer watched her go.

Later that day, Sawyer headed back to his tent. He wondered where Kate was. He'd wanted to push her away, to protect her from him. He'd thought that telling her about killing Sawyer would do it. It looked like he'd been right.

The thought wasn't a pleasant one. It seemed as though every time he got something he thought he wanted, it turned out to be the last thing he would have hoped for.

On top of everything else, he was trying to deal with the fact that she was pregnant. He already had a kid. He'd abandoned her, wanted nothing to do with her. He'd never even met her. He wasn't fit to be a father. Why would that be any different for this kid?

He didn't want to be like his father. No one deserved a parent like that. He couldn't imagine a situation where he'd kill Kate and leave their kid without a mother, but he figured his own father must have thought that at one stage too. Nothing was certain. He didn't want to risk it.

He'd already started heading down that path, anyway. He'd killed Sawyer. He'd killed Duckett. He was a murderer. Who knew where it would end?

As he neared his tent, he avoided looking around the beach. He didn't want to see Kate just then. It was so much easier to avoid her. He didn't want to go over their argument again. Everything she'd said, everything he'd said, and they way they'd both reacted... It was too much for one day. None of it made sense. He wanted to leave it, to not have to deal with it until later.

This time, he didn't get his wish. He entered his tent and there she was, curled up on his bed. Thinking she was sleeping, he decided he'd allow himself a moment to stare at her before leaving again. His plan was quickly thwarted when she sat up, her eyes meeting his.

They stared at each other. Deciding there was no point in prolonging the inevitable, Sawyer sat beside her. He thought he saw her relax at his gesture. He didn't know what she wanted from him, why she was here, so he waited.

As she watched him, Kate thought about everything they'd said earlier. One question had been eating at her ever since their argument.

"Do you really think I'm better off without you?" she asked softly, almost afraid of what his response would be.

He didn't answer. She waited for what seemed to be an eternity, before finally deciding to tell him the truth.

"I need you. No matter what. I want you with me."

At her words, Sawyer shifted. Thinking he was going to move away, leave her alone again, she was surprised when he lay down, placing his head in her lap. She buried her fingers in his hair, thinking this was something, at least.

Sawyer lay still, eyes closed, thinking. His head was so close to her stomach. To distract himself from processing Kate's words, he tried to imagine the baby in there. He couldn't quite manage it. It seemed impossible.

Kate felt Sawyer press his head into her belly slightly. Watching him, she thought he was trying to listen for something. The idea amazed her. As she watched, she noticed an uncertain look cross his face. Suddenly desperate to comfort him, she stroked his hair, wishing he'd look at her.

"You're not a bad person, James." She said quietly. He visibly relaxed at those words, much to Kate's relief. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes and looked at her.

"Neither are you, Freckles." He murmured, finally breaking his silence.

Kate smiled, almost crying again. Sawyer lifted his head and pulled Kate down so she was lying beside him. Both eventually fell asleep, each clinging to the only other person in the world who understood.

tbc.

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