_____________
(open your eyes)
**********
..
....
.
**********
You know how you open your eyes, and you're still in the wake of it?
Feeling weird.
Empty.
Scared.
You're hyperventilating.
Unsure of what just happened.
It was real, in a sense.
**********
They've come back.
The dreams.
How many years has it been?
It's hard to say.
It was a long time ago.
Years since I've been plagued by the dreams.
The nightmares.
Can't even remember the last time I had a dram.
It's been so long..
**********
Sip the energy drink, before setting the sweating can down on the desk in front of me. The only light in the room is emitting from the corner of my desk, a soft orange glow illuminating the typewriter.
Just enough to see.
Typing my thoughts onto this paper.
Maybe I can look back over it and make sense of it all.
Maybe.
I can't comprehend my own existence.
Can't even begin to wrap my head around what drives me.
A mystery to myself.
Riddle with no answer. That's what I am.
A joke with no fucking punch-line.
It's hard to keep my thoughts in order.
Sipping my carbonated death, pondering purpose.
I can't even see the point in
living,
writing,
breaking,
existing.
It's hard for me to motivate myself into doing something, without the knowledge of how to approach it.
My mind is desperately trying to avoid what needs to be done.
Reflection.
The cold, hard truth.
But, I can't.
I don't want to.
The idea of forcing myself to pick apart my worthlessness.
Look at it.
Admitting what I am.
Revel in it.
Coming to grips with what I've always been.
You made the mess, now fucking wallow in it.
I can't and I won't.
The light flickers.
A small draft.
Light breeze making it's way through my desolate, empty home.
Can't I just lose myself in the moment?
Alcohol makes things worse.
Too reflective.
What if I could write a happy story?
What if I could write an alternate ending?
Maybe if I tell myself the same lie over and over again, I'll start to believe it.
Perhaps, just perhaps it's possible to fool myself into being happy.
I wish I could get amnesia.
I just wish I could forget.
I wish the past would just go away.
Disappear.
Poof.
And it would be gone.
Forever.
And I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.
Wouldn't have to think about what a fuckup I am.
Or how much I've lost...
How much I've destroyed.
Oh, dear god.
I'm a monster.
A despicable display of Mobian kind.
I don't want to think about it.
Not ever again.
**********
It's hard to say when it started, so I won't even try.
We had been fighting the war since as long as I can remember.
I was but an infant when Robotnik took power.
Those few precious moments of peace, and I can't even remember them.
It's hard to say where it started, so I won't.
My whole life has been war.
My whole life's been a war that I've been losing since the very beginning.
My whole life has been nothing more than a dangled carrot I could never catch up to.
A false glimmer of hope.
I've been chasing the fucking sun on foot.
Instead of stopping to smell the flowers, I fooled myself into thinking the victory was mine to be had.
Now, there is nothing to enjoy.
Now the flowers are all dead and withered.
The beautiful scenery I zoomed past in such a hurry is long since gone.
Replaced with these ugly concrete monsters.
I can't say where it all started, so I'll start with the end and work my way back.
**********
"It's okay," I tell her, fingers running through her scarlet hair. "I'm here for you, Sally."
"Just keep your eyes open, okay? You're going to be okay, alright? Everything's going to be fine."
Everything is okay.
Everything is just fine.
You and I can finally be happy.
Do you feel it?
We can finally settle down.
Remain calm.
It's all going to be okay.
Everything is fine.
"Just don't close your eyes..."
We kiss.
**********
Fuck.
The structure is crumbling, and there isn't much time left.
Air evacuates both lungs.
Legs pumping.
Burning.
Sweat dripping down my forehead.
Sucking in polluted air, thick with steam and smoke.
His laughter, bouncing it's way around my head.
Crash!
Dizzy.
Light headed.
Tired.
I want to just collapse.
Fall.
Admit defeat.
Allow myself to get consumed within the bowels of my hatred.
No.
Keep going.
Salvation lies ahead.
Twists and turns.
All these walls look the same.
It feels like I'm getting nowhere fast.
The ground rumbling beneath my feet.
Shaking.
Hard to keep balance.
The foundations are crumbling.
Come on, old pal.
You can do this.
She was in my arms, wasn't she?
I saved her, I know I did.
Hugging her tightly to my chest.
Clutching to her body as I would my own life.
Desperate wheezing.
She clings to me, her slender arms wrapped around my neck.
I'll protect you, Sally.
Teeth clenched.
I push myself harder, but the burn just gets worse.
Getting harder and harder to push myself forward.
Not sure if I can hack it.
But I have to.
I must.
There's no other way.
I simply cannot let myself fail.
There is no other way..
The foundations are crumbling.
Take a hard right,
and before I know it,
we're tumbling back
against the wall..... . . . . .
**********
"It's your move, Sonic," he says. "Are you fast enough to make it?"
That smirk still painted across his face. He tosses the control somewhere behind his machines, the plastic casing cracking as it bounces off the concrete wall.
My expression, I can only imagine, is that of shock and horror.
"You're insane," I manage to spurt out. "You're fucking crazy."
He says nothing in response.
He only starts laughing.
Softly at first, it grows louder and louder.
Sending chills down my spine.
Not sure what to do, but I have to act.
Eyes avert to the limp form at his feet.
Gnash my teeth.
Close my eyes.
Dash.
Can I make it?
Is he just going to allow this to happen?
We'll see.
He's still laughing loudly, and I'm trying my best to ignore it.
To not let it get to me.
Focus on the prize.
Sally.
Scoop up her limp form, and leap past him.
He does nothing.
He's just laughing at me.
Fucking lunatic.
**********
It can't be this easy.
"What's the matter," I ask, "no minions? No more robots to send off to be destroyed at your disposal?"
He's smiling at me, condescendingly.
I can feel my facial expression hardening.
Lips tightening.
Brows narrow.
That smirk, I want to wipe it off his fucking face.
He breaks eye contact to look at the crumpled heap on the ground at his feet.
Sally.
"What the fuck did you do to her?"
Demand.
"Oh, my dear boy," he says, digging in his lab-coat pocket. "It isn't her you should be worried about?"
"What?"
"It's this," he says, revealing a tiny, black plastic device.
The detonator.
Eyes widen.
His expression doesn't change.
Click.
He presses the little black button.
"No!"
**********
asdkjuiaguaeoarinbsid
**********
(open yo___ur eyes...)
Wake up with my face in the keys.
The sense of dread lingering.
The sense of no escape.
The worst part is that it's not a dream I'm running from.
It all really happened.
Haunting me in wake.
Haunting me in sleep.
Do I get no rest?
I suppose I don't deserve any.
Coming back to me.
So vivid.
So real.
It's like reliving the experience.
As if once wasn't enough.
There's nothing I can do.
There was nothing I could do.
You don't understand.
You weren't there.
It didn't happen that way.
She was still okay.
She was still breathing.
Looking up at me with those eyes.
I can't brink myself to think about it right now.
Blow the candle out.
Now time to drag myself over to the corner of the room and plop down on the mattress.
Let's just hope I don't dream...
**********
Frantic.
Sprinting.
Not exactly sure where I'm going.
Searching.
Kicking in doors.
The radio is gone.
Approaching a door at the end of the hall.
Zoom over, smashing my shoulder into it.
Particles of wood, nails flying upward as the hinges are mangled and ripped from the wall.
Nothing.
Room's empty.
What contents exist are of no use to me.
I'm not looking for things; I'm looking for people.
Getting tired.
Fuck.
Without thinking, I'm smashing through another door.
Down a hall. Through another door.
They're in here somewhere.
**********
"Sally!" I scream into the radio.
Static.
No response.
Click.
The noise goes away when I press down on the side button with my middle finger.
"Are you there?!"
Nothing.
White noise.
"Please," I beg the little plastic device that won't respond, "please answer me."
Remove my finger.
Wait a moment.
The white noise cuts off.
"I'm right here, Sonic."
But it isn't her voice.
Instead, it's deep and scratchy.
Him.
Robotnik.
My grip tightens around the radio.
Fingers trembling.
I can feel the blood draining from my face.
Before I know what I'm doing, the two-way radio meets the wall and smashes into three large pieces, scattering across the room.
Before I can even think, I'm sprinting down the hall.
**********
The plan is to get caught.
Causing a scene is the name of the game.
Project distraction.
Make noise.
Destroy things.
That's what I was doing when it happened.
Kick in some door.
Turn on the lights.
Lab.
All sorts of animals in these steel cages.
Island in the center of the place, riddled with all sorts of beakers filled with solutions.
Hypodermic needles.
Metal instruments.
Gadgets and machinery.
My first impulse is to knock them off.
Destroy them.
Make some noise.
Glass shattering on the tile floor around the island.
Crunching beneath my sneakers with each step I take.
Make my way over to the nearest cage.
Searching for a latch.
And that's when it ha p p en ed....-
*
*no,
*that's when i
*freed the animals
*and
*there might
*have been
*some hiccups
*but
*
*
*
*
*
*i saved sally
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*i saved the day
*
**********
It's hard to say where it started, so I guess I'll start with the end. Sometimes you tell lies to yourself. I don't really care who you are. You lie to yourself. About where you are. About what you've done. Little shit. Big shit. It doesn't matter. You lie, because the truth is ugly. Spin a pretty web to cover up the grotesque reality. I'm no different. Just like you. I just want to die thinking happy thoughts. Is that so wrong? I don't think it is. So here it is. The ending. It hasn't been very long since I broke the mirror in the bathroom. Picked up one of the shards. I decided to drink, I know, I said I would never drink again, but I had to. I felt like I had to. I don't know why. These pills, I took these pills and they made me feel weird. I did it so it wouldn't hurt, i did it so i wouldn't feel anything when i stabbed the shard into my arm. i dont think ill be okay for long. losing a lot of blood, covered in the stuff. you would think my legs were redd.. i think i drank i think i drank a bit too much. it wasnt supposed to hurt but it does it fucking hurts and i feel this burning in my arm, like i feel this constant sting. i feel like... my life is draining out trhough my arrrm.........// not feeling so good.. / but thats okay thats okay dont lose track the point and the point was that no matter how many times i tell myself the same old story, the same old lie, no matter how many times i hammer it into my brain it still refuses to disguise the real one. now its just something i say, just something i think. just something i type, while the ugly, ugly truth stares me right in the eye. burning a skull in my brain. i see it when i close my eyes. i havent slept in over forty hours. things are sketchy. its hard to say, its hard to type. // its hard to say where things started, so forgive me if i dont. // i didnt save the animals i didnt save the day. of course i didnt. i ended up a cripple. a fucking gimp with nothing. nobody. im so tired but everytime i close my eyes, every time my lids shut i can see her in my head, i can see her every detail and i dont want to, i dont want her to have ever existed. so selfish am i, so selfish to do the things i did. it was such a simple mission such an easy mission i couldnt handle because i am worthless, worthless as all fucking get out. i feel empty right now, empty emotionally and empty physically. drained. theres nothing left in me but regret, regret for even fucking existing and disdain for my continuing existence. thats why i did it you see thats why i did it so i could just end it and it could just be fucking OVER with and im tired you know tired of wallowing in my own worthlessness and it s hard to say where things staartr because i cant remember,, i remember some things i remember her i remember i said i would protect her forever and i was so sure i was but i didnt and i didnt because i couldnrt and therer simply wasnt anything i could do but i tried i tried so fucking hard to save her but i couldnt i was holding her, carrying her and she wasnt saying anything she was just kind of limp in my arms and i was running and running and the ground was shaking beneath us it was hard to keep balance but i managed for a bit until the building, the building it fucking crashed into the ground and we went tumbling oh yes we went tumbling into the darkness and it was her shes the reason im still alive but to this day TO THIS FUCKING DAY i refuse to accept it i refuse to accept the fact that her life would end and mine, my meaningless fucking existence would continue and she broke my fall, i landed on her and her bones fucking snap and crunch beneath me, the impact sending shockwaves through her inanimate form and into me, i absorb it and her bones they fucking break and they puncture the skin and stab into me and i cry out, cry out into the silence into the darkness and all was still and all was quiet except for me i kept screaming and screaming and crying and crying like a little girl like A LITTLE FUCKING GIRL and i tried to sleep, i tried to die with her but it just couldnt be done i couldnt move because i was pinned under rocks pinned for what seemed like an eternity, you know? but it wasnt an eternity because it was over when the light broke through and i thought i was dead i thought i had been crushed by the rock but no it was some fucking mobian some stupid fucking mobian who had to drag me back into existence. im getting weak its getting harder and harder to type just to push down the buttons it s insane its hard i dont want to do it anymore but i have to i have to finish i dont have a lot of time left you see. i close my eyes and i see her as she was the last time we were together and she was destroyed and i cant bear to look. i dont want to remember i dont want to remember it was a nightmare a fucking NIGHTMARE that keeps coming back but thats okay, thats fine because we all know what really happened, we all know what really went down. i saved the animals then i saved the day and i saved the world the whole fucking planet of mobius then sally and i got married because we love each other and we always loved each other and well allwayss love eachother until the end of time forever and ever and even beyond that because our love is so strong it could never die and i dont remember much after that, but mainly i remember that i saved the day i saved the day saved the day i saved the fucking day from the evil clutches of doctor robtotnki and now we dont hasve to worry about it anymorte we dont have to worry about it ever againb ecause i savedtheday and we lived happilyeve raft