Title - To Live Life
Author name - Carol E-mail - writestories315yahoo.com
Rating - G Spoilers – Hail and Farewell
Disclaimer – Don't I wish
Summary – When given the chance to live....would you?
Authors Note's –
1. Borrowing "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw.
2. MSOA Kitty beta-read this, blame her for any and all mistakes....she loves praise.
3. This takes place in the time frame of a year and a half.
4. A note for all at the bottom.
May 28, 2004
Mac's Apartment
11:03 PM
"There are a lot of options," Mac told Harm as he held her hand while they sat on the couch. After they left the Dining Out they decided to go back to her place and just talk about things.
"What are you going to do?" Harm asked.
Mac took a deep breath. "Well, I'll have the surgery and wait. That's all I can do."
"What can I do?"
"Just be there." Mac lifted his hand to her mouth and gave it a soft kiss. "Just be here for me."
"Promise." Harm released his grip on her hand and carefully pulled her into his arms. He held on as tightly as he could, not letting anything come between them. Mac held on for dear life, knowing she was going to need him to be her lifeline.
He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do
July 5, 2004
Harm's Apartment
7:13 PM
"You've gone insane," Harm told Mac as he placed a plate of pasta in front of her.
"This from a man that thinks going the speed of sound is fun." Mac laughed before taking a bite of her pasta. "This is good."
"Thanks." Harm sat down across from her. "Why do you want to do this? You've done it before."
"Yeah, I did it before on military ground. But this is for people who want to do it for fun," Mac explained.
"Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane is not something you do for fun."
Mac gave Harm a smart-ass look. "Being shot off like a cannon from an aircraft carrier is?"
"You're not funny," Harm informed the grinning woman across from him.
July 18, 2004 Open Field somewhere in Virginia 10:23 AM
"Are you sure you don't want to go up?" Mac asked with a smile on her face.
"I think you should, Harm," Mattie chimed in.
Harm crossed his arms. "No, I'm staying here to make sure Mattie doesn't sign up for this."
Mattie rolled her eyes. "How do you know I haven't already signed up?"
Mac laughed at Harm's warning expression at the teenager. "Okay, I'll see guys in about half an hour."
Mattie reached over to Mac and gave her a hug. "Have fun."
"I will," Mac told her as she was released from the hug.
Harm looked down at Mac and had to smile at her shinning face. He placed an arm on her shoulder and pulled her into a hug. Mac leaned into him. "We'll be here after your jump."
"Okay," Mac whispered into his ear. "Thank you, Harm."
"I promised to be here for you and I am," Harm told her before he released her.
In a few minutes Mac boarded the plane and was taken up into the air. As she stood by the door and listened to the instructor go over last minute instruction she focused on every word, taking in the moment. Once it was her turn she took a breath and released her grip from the door. She began falling from the plane and felt truly alive since the day the doctor told her the news.
Everything was clear and she felt free. She watched the world around her and it all made perfect sense. She knew this was her chance. Her chance to make decisions and stand by them like they were the only things that were important to her.
Her internal clock told her it was time and she pulled the cord. Her body shot up as the parachute pulled her upward towards the heavens she just fell from. Her slow decent back to the Earth was the most wonderful thing she had ever experienced.
Once she reached the ground and her gear was collected Harm approached her with a big smile. Mac didn't say anything she just smiled, laughed, and launched herself into his arms. Harm laughed at her excitement and spun her around. He finally set her feet down and looked down at the smiling face. He wasn't able to look very long, because Mac pulled his face down to hers and gave him a kiss.
This kiss wasn't like the three or four they had shared before. This kiss was notice to him. It told him there was something going on and she wanted him to know it. She wanted to tell him all of her deepest darkest secrets with her lips to his. Harm held her tighter as the kiss grew. Their bodies and souls becoming one as the strangers in front of them thought it was a nice sight to see.
As Mac broke the kiss she opened her eyes and saw the shinning light of Harm's emotions staring back at her. No confusion was witnessed in his eyes, just happiness.
"I love you," Mac told him softly.
Harm stared at her for a second and knew she was being very honest with her words. He leaned down and kissed her softly. Then he pulled her into a hug. He placed his lips next to her ear. "That's good, because I knew I loved you before you jumped out of that plane."
Mac's laughter filled all of Harm's senses and even though he had heard wonderful music and heard the sun sink into the water during a perfect sunset. This was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.
and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
October 1, 2004
Harm's Apartment
2:34 PM
"You feeling okay?" Harm asked as he sat on the edge of his bed.
"Tired," Mac softly said to him.
Harm leaned down and kissed her lips. "Rest then, Sweetheart. We've got a busy day next week."
Mac smiled even though she didn't feel like smiling. "I'll be the one in white."
Harm chuckled. "Gee....so will I." He gave her another kiss. "Sleep, now."
"Stay with me," Mac pleaded.
Harm sighed playfully as he looked into the tired eyes of his soon-to-be- wife. He stood up and walked to the other side of the bed and moved in behind her. He wrapped his arms around her and held on to her small frame. "I love you."
"I love you," Mac said before her eyes shut and she fell into yet another slumber.
Harm remained next to her as her breathing leveled out and her body relaxed. She was tried of being sick and tired of going to the hospital for treatments, but he knew she would do it if it meant one more day. He kissed her temple. "I promise to be here for everything, Baby."
November 10, 2004
Rabb Residence
8:32 PM
Harm walked into the kitchen to see his wife and Mattie looking at travel brochures. "What are you two doing?"
"Planning our summer vacation," Mattie informed Harm.
"Isn't summer like nine months away," Harm noted to the women.
"Never to early to plan," Mattie commented.
"What do you think of a fishing trip?" Mac asked.
"Fishing?"
"Yeah, I've got a friend who has a cabin in West Virginia. He'll let us use it and there is a lake behind it," Mac explained.
Harm picked up one of the brochures. "What's wrong with a cruise?"
Mattie gave Mac a sly wink. "You would rather go on a cruise then go fishing?"
"Sure. I don't like fishing," Harm stated not knowing he had just be conned by the two women in his life.
"Yes!" Mattie exclaimed. "We're going on a cruise."
Mac grinned. "I knew he would fall for it."
Harm slowly put one and one together can came up with a con. "I've been had."
"Very good, Commander." Mac handed him three brochures. "Now we can't decide between Alaska, Hawaii, or Mexico. Which one do you like?"
November 26, 2004
Bellsville, PA
8:23 PM
Mac sat on the back porch of Sarah Rabb's house wrapped in a blanket and a book in her hands. Her thoughts were with the words of the book. It lead her on a path that was as old as time. It was about the journey of a man. She knew she couldn't live this journey, but she could listen to the wisdom in it to help her understand her own journey.
"Mac?" Mattie said as she walked onto the porch.
Mac closed the book and looked up at Mattie. "What's up, Honey?"
"Can we talk?"
"Sure," Mac smiled. She lifted part of the blanket wrapped around her. "Come here."
Mattie quickly walked into the open blanket and settled in next to Mac. The two women spent the next two and a half hours talking about nothing and everything. Mattie rested her head on Mac's shoulder and Mac held Mattie to her. She tried to give the young girl the wisdom she knew and the encouragement to help her in life. Mattie listened and hoped she would remember everything Mac was telling her.
Harm watched from the window looking out onto the porch. "Should I go get them?"
"Let them talk, Harmon," Grandma Rabb said from her chair near the fire. "When they are ready to come in they will."
Harm leaned back on the couch. "Mac's good with Mattie."
"So are you, Dear. Mattie's just able to talk to Mac about different things. She's a good friend to that little girl." Sarah smiled. Harm just shook his head in agreement and went back the book in his hands, which happened to be the same one Mac was reading.
He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again
May 21, 2005
St. Katherine of Hope Cemetery
Arlington, VA
10:12 AM
"Do you want me to come with you?" Harm asked as he parked the car on the side of the road in the cemetery.Mac patted his hand. "No, I've got it."
"Take your time," Harm told her.
"I'll just be a few minutes." Mac kissed his cheek when he reached into the back seat and gave her the flowers she picked from their flower garden earlier.
Mac opened the car door and walked up the small hill to her destination. She leaned down and brushed away a few dead leaves from the base of the gravestone. She laid her flowers down and ran her fingers across the name of her former lover.
"Hi Clay. I know you're watching me. I'm doing okay. Harm sends his prays to you." She chuckled at a thought. "You know you really got under his skin at times, but even though the two of you never really saw eye to eye I think he liked you. He respected you for everything you did, even though he called you a jerk and a few other names sometimes."
"Every now and then I wish you were here. You were a good friend. I'm sorry our relationship wasn't working, we both were fooling ourselves. But we knew that. I do love you, Clay. Even though we were only together for a short time you taught me a lot. You taught me how to trust again."
She sniffled back a tear, but it fell anyway. "I wanted you to know that I forgive you for lying to me. You had your reasons and I was wrong to hate you for it. You're a good man and you deserved someone who would have understood that." She wiped her face of the fallen tears.
"I came to tell you something. Harm doesn't even know it yet. But I'm pregnant. I talked to my doctor last week and I'm due in seven months. She thinks everything will be okay, but I'm still being considered high risk." Mac looked up at the sky and noticed the clouds above her seemed to be smiling, she turned back to the headstone. "I just wanted you to know first. I figured if you were here you would still find out first since the CIA knows all."
She turned around and saw Harm standing outside the car smiling at her. "Well, Clay I better get going. I'll come back sooner." She kissed her fingers, then pressed them to his name. "I love you."
She straighten up and walked back to her husband. As she reached the car Harm took her hand into his. He could tell she had been crying. "Everything okay."
"Everything is wonderful," Mac said before giving him a kiss on the lips.
Harm smiled at her and opened the passenger car door. "So shall we go to a volley ball game."
Mac got into the car. "I would love to, then you, Mattie, and I can go to lunch. I've got something to tell you."
"Sounds like a plan," Harm said before he shut the door.
Harm walked around the car, but before he opened his car door he looked at Clay's grave. "I miss you every now and then, Clayton." A small sparrow flew down and rested on Clay's headstone and the bird chirped at Harm. Harm laughed and got into the car.
and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
December 30, 2005
Rabb Residence
11:13 PM
Mac sat in the nursery where her daughter was fast asleep. She put yet another picture into the photo album that was kept in the room. Two weeks old and Elizabeth Michelle Rabb already had filled the new memory card on her daddy's new digital camera. Mac laughed at the photo of Harm holding Elizabeth, it was taken on the day she was brought home from the hospital. He had a look of awe on his face and he was fully wrapped around her little finger.
"You going to sleep in here?" Mattie asked from the doorway.
Mac chuckled. "No, just updating the album."
Mattie kneeled next to the rocker. "That's my favorite." She pointed to a picture of Little AJ giving Elizabeth a kiss, directly after the picture was taken he wiped his mouth and announced 'girls are yucky.'
"That is a good one," Mac said then she looked at Mattie and knew she had a question. "What's on your mind?"
Mattie signed. "Do you ever think about your life and the choices you made?"
"All the time," Mac quickly responded.
"Do you ever think if I could go back and change them I would?"
Mac thought for a second. "You mean if I could back and do this instead of that?"
"Yeah."
"I do, but then I remember something."
Mattie gave her a confused look. "What?"
"I remember if I did those things differently I wouldn't be here today and neither would you," Mac told Mattie with wisdom and conviction.
"What do you mean I wouldn't be here?" Mattie sat on the floor and hugged one of Elizabeth's stuffed animals to her chest.
"If I told Harm that I loved him after Paraguay he would have never worked for you and you would still be living with your father or worse," Mac bluntly said.
"But don't you wish you and Harm got together sooner."
"Yes, but we weren't ready." Mac took a breath. "Both of us had to be faced with something to get us on the same page. I had to learn that it was okay to fall. And he had to learn that it was okay to never let go of me."
"How did you know when it was right?"
Mac smiled. "When I flew."
Mattie grinned. "Would that be the time you flew while skydiving or when that bull bucked you?"
Mac chuckled. "Now, Harm doesn't know abut the bull."
"Yes, I do," Harm said from the doorframe. Mac stared at him with surprise. "Bud gave me the pictures."
"I'm going to kill him," Mac stated.
Harm leaned down and kissed his wife's forehead then he ruffled Mattie's hair. "Nah, he said it was good for a husband to have blackmail on his wife."
"I only lasted 2.7 seconds. That was pretty good for a girl," Mac told Harm.
"But not god for a Marine," Harm joked.
Mattie chuckled. "And how long would you last, Harm?"
"That's need to know." Harm chuckled as Elizabeth made it known to her family that she was awake. Harm walked over to the crib and picked the small bundle up and held her to his chest.
Mac watched as Harm turned into the sensitive father she always knew he would be. "Mattie, don't go through life wondering how to change it. Just life it, each day to its fullest. Life is going to go on with or without you in it. It's a full contact game and you have to play."
"Is that what you've done?" Mattie asked.
Mac smiled. "We live in today and tomorrow isn't given. Treat tomorrow as a gift, because it will soon be the present."
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it'After a few minutes Mattie left the room after giving her parents a final goodnight kiss. She hovered in the doorway for a few seconds just watching the family. Mac stood up and walked over to Harm. Harm placed his arm over his wife's shoulder and she in turn wrapped an arm around his waist. They both watched as their daughter fell asleep being wrapped around the love that comes from living your life.
Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
THE END
I first heard this song on some country awards show a few weeks ago. It gave me chills, as it still does. I'm not sure if my words go with it, but it fits for me.
In March, my Grandmother died after slowly leaving us for a few years. She lived her life her way and loved it. On June 11, my Grandfather joined her in heaven on what would have been their 62nd wedding anniversary. He lived for her. His death can be linked to some medical thing, but I think he couldn't live without her.
For the past two weeks I have been in a daze, not knowing which end was up and not wanting to know either. I've heard this song at least five times a day every day this week and have cried every time. It's about living your life. We look at ourselves and see our lives there and sometimes we forget that we need to live it.
So I have a request for everyone who reads this. I'm not asking for anyone to go skydiving or do something weird, but do me a favor and tell someone you love them today. I think that's what we all need to do. Mean the words when you say them, it counts for something more.
I also want to give thanks, hugs, and I love you's to Michi, Sherry, Kat, Marie, and Graciela who have been my faithful friends for the past two weeks. You guys are great for caring about me. I do count you as my dear friends.
Smiles-
-Carol