Authors note: Scully POV obviously. Takes place at Mulder's autopsy. Also I don't
own any characters 'cept my little medical assistant. But if you want to use my little medical assistant go ahead. He's really good at helping Scully out. He likes Photographing dead people, walks on
the beach and…JK.
"Agent Scully? Are
you ok?" The medical assistant asked as he stopped photographing the body. I must have blanked out again. It's easier that way.
"Yes, sorry about that.
Where was I?" I questioned myself knowing full well where I was but not
wanting to admit it.
"I can get someone else to do this." The assistant
offered. Yeah he probably could but I
wouldn't trust the next coroner over my dead body so why should this one be any
different. Even though I tried to tell
myself that this one wasn't different I couldn't convince myself that that was
true. He was different. He had a name, a history, friends…me. I couldn't call him "subject" I couldn't say
subjects face has three gouges on each cheek made by what appears to be… I couldn't say subject's teeth appear to
have… I couldn't look at him and not
see the man he was. But I had to.
"No. That's all
right. That's all." I told him hoping
he would leave. He got the picture and
did. No doubt to run to Agent Doggett
who I'm sure is standing out in the hall waiting with Skinner and even Frohike,
Langly, and Byers. They all asked me,
no begged me not to come in here and do this.
Mourn they said. Remember him as
he was. Move on. They didn't understand that that was
something I couldn't do until after this.
"Subject's skin…" I start to move on but the effort is too
much for me and I have to stop. I
remember seeing myself here on a similar table. I remember the fear and pain
that image had caused. But this. This was worse then any image I had
imagined. Imagination couldn't compare
to the horror of this moment. Why
hadn't I let the boy get someone else?
Why did I have to torture myself this way? Mulder wouldn't have expected it, would he?
" Subject's skin is…cold and stiff." Of course it's cold and
stiff he's dead I remind myself. Although at the same time my mind screams he
was never cold and stiff before, his touch was always kind and warm, he
shouldn't be so cold. I figure moving
on with the autopsy would be the best solution so I continue.
"Subject's arms and hands…" I stop here as a memory of the
last night we spent on a case together.
Those same arms had held me that night.
Those same fingers had brushed my cheek. A tear slipped out. I thought I had taken care of all of them by
now. Guess I was wrong. As I looked at him one more time I knew that
this image would be burned in my mind and I wouldn't need commentary on it to
write the report. It would be better if
I continued with the internal exam. His
heart wouldn't be any different from the other's I had seen. I could look at his stomach without
remembering the way he had looked at me the last time I saw him. I could weigh his liver without remembering
the last words he said to me.
"Beginning Y-incision…" I stop here. I know what I'll find. It was the same as the other abductee. It would be pointless to go on. It's not that I can't do it, I can really I
can. You believe me right? I can do this. I just don't need to.
Mulder's records would be easy to fake.
Maybe he wouldn't agree with this.
Maybe he'd tell me that the truth could lie somewhere in that body but
right now I don't want the truth. I
want to believe the lie. I want to deny
everything and trust no one. I put down
the scalpel and start to stitch him up.
I won't do this to my friend and I won't let anyone else do it
either. I never realized how impersonal
these things were. How wrong it was for
me to come in and take someone apart.
No amount of reverence could make it better. How must the families feel to have their loved ones treated in
such a way? On the one hand it was necessary
and the other it was invasive and cruel.
I chose the invasive and cruel hand.
I knew I would find nothing and to dig further would be pointless, not
to mention incredibly hard-I could still do it though don't get me wrong. After I closed the incision I wanted to
leave but a part of me wanted to hold his hand one more time. It had always been such a comfort
before. I knew it wouldn't be the
same. But I had to try it anyway. I
loved him, not the romantic couple kind of love. It was much deeper than that.
It was if our souls had sought each other out to be friends, to be
family, but so much more. It was
different from every other love I have ever had in my life. Grabbing his cold lifeless hand I
cried. I don't know how long I stood
there crying in front of him. I tried
so hard not to let myself do that before but now I felt as if we had finally
crossed that barrier and that he was safe to cry in front of. He wouldn't judge me for it. He wouldn't mock me with "Ice Queen of the
FBI" jokes. I knew that if you were
able to Mulder, you would have taken me in your arms until I stopped
crying. I guess that's why I'm still
standing here looking at you. It's
strange to think that you are really gone.
I have this proof right before me but I still want to fight it. There were so many things left undone. You know I wanted to tell you something
important but I guess you already know now about my child. I was going to ask you if you would be the
father figure in his life. You're the
only person who I could stand to have around that long. Plus…well forget it. All the months you were gone I never thought
we'd find you like this. I know now
what you must have gone through when I was taken. I'm sorry I never realized how hard it was. Every day was hell. There was something else too, something I
need to talk about with someone. You're
the only person who would believe me.
That sounds a lot like something you'd say doesn't it, well I'm finding
I'm a lot more like you then I thought.
At least I seem to be getting that way, but don't get me wrong I'm not
taking up sunflower seeds and starting my own video collection. At least not yet. Anyway back to the thing I needed to talk about…I saw you before
we found you. I had dreams and I saw
you as a…well something not quite alive.
I know it was probably just my imagination. It's just that I believe that it wasn't. Yes Mulder you can laugh now and mock me,
but I think that it was real and I think that you were there. See I told you I was becoming more like you
all the time. I'll take care of the
X-Files for you. I know you wouldn't
want someone who doesn't believe to run the show. Agent Doggett really doesn't know what to believe yet. Oh that's right you don't know him. He's a great guy really although I have the feeling
you two might not get along so well together.
We're still trying to figure out who he pissed off to get sent to the
basement, maybe one day though right.
"Agent Scully?" I turned around and saw Skinner and Agent
Doggett and the rest of the gang hanging in the doorway. "Are you alright it's
been…" I cut him off after a quick look at the clock I should have been done by
now.
"I'm fine." I say as I cover Mulder's face and for the first
time since this all started I actually mean it.
