Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of these characters. I wish! But I do own this plot (if there really is any).
This story was written with no regards to the ongoing manga and show.
What do you know? Another one of my stupid fanfics. Yes, I know I should be working on my other stories but this was really fun to write! Haha.
PAIRINGS: Eventual Kanda x Allen. Lavi x Tyki... Reader's choice. :) Just drop a note or review!
Kanda the Half-Elf
Okay, so here we here on this joyous festive season with fluffy snows, snowflakes, candy canes, white frizzy hair and beard, red sloppy hat, big fat beer-belly, ridiculously red outfit that seemed a size too small, Santa... S-SANTA CLAUS! What on earth was that thing doing at the Black Order!
Good heavens.
"It comes in 2 sizes, plus it's stretchable." explained Santa, feeling absurdly defensive about his elfish-sized outfit. "Now Yuu, have you been naughty or nice this year...you know I don't give presents to naughty kids."
Master Tiedoll. There was no mistake.
"MASTER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DRESSING UP AS SANTA CLAUS?!!" I bellowed, pointing a shaking finger at the weak excuse for a General.
Dressed up Santa Claus merely shrugged, feeling more amused than frightened by my outburst. It seemed that he has a weird fetish for such…occasions.
"With physical regards to my dress-up, I AM Santa Claus. So technically I'm not your master, but the bond between a master and an apprentice is so magically strong yet incomprehensive, even I cannot fully grasp such an emotional fixation." babbled 'Santa', stroking his fake paste-me-on! beard.
"- and since the Black order was in a grave need for some joy and laughter, I took up Komui's offer –"
"- to dress up as an old man from the North Pole. Yes, I can understand why that offer is so tempting." I quipped in sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
He shot me a wary eye. "Sorry Yuu, there's only room for 1 Santa. But you can be my helpful, fun-loving sidekick aka elf! Those impish fellows should get more recognition these days."
"..."
Somewhere a tumbleweed flew past.
"Anyways, will you look at this? It's absolutely stunning!" said 'Santa' spinning around to flaunt his silly costume. "And it's stretchable. Can you believe it? You don't get such rare items everyday!"
"It's only 10 bucks, and sold at almost every costume shop."
"No, this one here is stretchable!" defended Santa, tugging the sides of his clothes. "So we can pretend it's rare."
"..."
"What do you know?" said 'Santa'. "It's fun playing dress-up...ho hum..."
"..."
"- Ho hum...HUM HUMMMM!"
"..."
Again, another tumbleweed flew past.
"W-WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?! IT'S HOHOHOHO!!" I growled, feeling annoyed and stupid. Big Mistake. And I do mean BIG.
"Oh yes, thank you Yuu. Why, I never knew you had it in you. I think you'll make a truly good elf. HOHOHOHO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!" roared 'Santa' who started doing his own interpretation of a Christmas dance – which was a really disturbing mix of hip-hop and a Hawaiian jingle. I didn't know Christmas has a dance. But let's move on.
"Do NOT even THINK about it." I said with sharp tones. He had proceeded to hug every passer-by and was looking at me.
"Okay, if you say so…" said 'Santa', widening his eyes to the size of saucepans that I assumed was supposed to be a 'puppy' look. It looked so wrong. What he did look like, however, was someone who has just received an unbearable shock.
"SANTA!!!" boomed a voice out of nowhere.
"- I've been really good this year. Do I get a present?" said an unknown, green stranger.
"And who are you?"
"I'm a Christmas Tree."
"Ah yes, I think we can all see that." said 'Santa', amused.
I was coughing. What?! He was holding 2 leafy twigs (probably plucked from some brushes) in his hands and had painted his entire body green. It was horrifying!
" - What is your name, my dear child?" continued 'Santa'.
"My name? I believe that names are unimportant in this priceless occasion that should be celebrated without a care for such petty matters. And you Santa, of all people, should know." babbled the unidentified, I'm-a-Christmas-tree fellow.
I had no bloody idea what he's talking about – probably nonsense, no less.
"Spoken like a true gentleman! Here you go! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"
"Merry Christmas to you too, Santa!" said the unknown person (whose name was Babble because I've decided to call him so). Babble flashed a toothy grin before bouncing off, springs with each step.
"Strange...I don't recall ever seeing that guy, but what do you know? New faces everyday! Hmm, I wonder if there are enough presents to go around..." said 'Santa', poking his head into the red sack.
"It's stupid!" I said, folding my arms. "I can't believe you're wasting time on this!"
"Now, now, Yuu, don't spoil this beautiful occasion." said 'Santa' who had finished rummaging through his bundle before slumping it over his shoulders.
"Che."
"Now, how about the offer?"
"I've no idea, nor do I care, what you're talking about!"
"Why, don't you want to be my handy, dandy, happy elf?"
----------
Kanda was just your average teenager who wanted a normal, peaceful life. He was a faithful and loyal servant to God. Always on task, always doing his utmost best in missions, always competent and always…well, unlucky. Yes, UNLUCKY. His bad star was probably shining its brightest when he had General Tiedoll as his Master. Since then, the poor kid had always restrained his anger not to murder someone. He could only curse, so he did exactly just that.
"GODDAMN YOU!!" cursed Kanda, and he continued another long list of beautiful vocabularies that was never part of the English dictionary.
"- YOU CAN'T TELL ME TO DO THAT! IT'S BLOODY RIDICULOUS!"
"Well, since you're my apprentice, whom I know, doesn't understand the definitions of 'enjoyment' and 'fun'. I deem it's best for you to be part of this celebration." said Tiedoll calmly.
"I know what fun means, so don't bother lecturing me on such trivial matters." seethed Kanda whose version of 'enjoyment' includes a) training b) mediating c) all of the above.
"You can simply treat it as part of your training. You do need to socialize more, Yuu. Social skills are of extreme importance in this industry. Unless you wish to remain an anti-social introvert forever, then I shan't persist."
"I was under the impression that I was an exorcist! And not some stupid real estate agent!"
"Hmm, right you are..." said Tiedoll, stroking his beard.
"Hello, I'm Yuu Kanda from the Yuu real estate agency, right at your service." said Kanda, smiling. "The flooring is finished with white marble from Birgets Design - lacquered and polished to the finest."
"- just a 2 minute walk away from the city. A beautiful sunlit view of the Medieval footbridge..." continued Kanda. He smiled, yet again. Twinkle. Twinkle.
"Good heavens!" said Tiedoll suddenly, with horror evident on his face.
"What?!"
"I'm sorry, Yuu, but I think you'll have to make a pass at being a property agent. Stick with your current job, my dear child."
----------
Now let's see what happens the following day.
One way or another, Kanda had dragged his feet out of bed and somehow (shrugs) ended up standing beside 'Santa Claus' and giving out candies to passer-bys.
You may ask what on earth happened. Well, General Tiedoll had convinced Kanda that "cursing your friends and enemies" isn't considered socializing and how "I won't bother you for next whole month!"
We all know which proposal persuaded him.
So here we have it – Kanda the Elf.
He never knew how or why his ego plunged right next to playing dress up in ugly costumes. Oops, sorry. Since Yuu Kanda isn't, actually, wearing any costumes, we can't blame those naughty outfits.
Much to his Master's disappointment, Kanda had absolutely refused to "dress up for the occasion". "It's ghastly." He had explained. "And green is not my color."
What he did, however, was removed his Black Exorcist uniform. So he was dressed casually in his usual white shirt and black pants. He had also removed his hair tie and allowed his hair to fall loosely.
He placed on the shabby green hat with a huge, shiny bell at the top edge. But that was as far as he would go. No fake elf ears, no pointy black leather shoes either. Just Kanda with his long hair framing his face and sloppy hat bought at the Wear-me-on! store.
Okay, so here we have it – Kanda the Half-Elf.
'This is bloody insane...' thought Kanda. '...I feel like killing something.'
He broke another 2 peppermint candy canes for self-amusement, and continued sulking.
With his gruff look, dark sunken eyes and long hair. You'd be forgiven to think that a banshee was on the loose. Oh wait, banshees are of the opposite gender. Sorry Kanda! Okay, let me correct that statement - you'd be forgiven to think that this elf has been laid off.
"I feel so stupid." grumbled Kanda. "Remind me again why I'm doing this?"
"Because within you…lies an eager, festive spirit whose life and passion dreams of playing a significant role in the joyous celebration –"
"Okay, shut up. Or I'll quit."
The Master and apprentice were, currently, in the cafeteria. General Tiedoll, in his Santa Claus costume, was giving out Christmas presents to the fellow workers. Surprising though, Kanda didn't have to worry about his falling reputation and abused ego - because many others had assumed different roles in this fairy tale occasion. Some looked frightening. Others were…well, weird.
"What are you?" asked Kanda, brandishing a candy cane at the odd thing, I mean, human.
"Can't you see this?" said the fellow, pointing a fat index finger at his red clown-like nose.
"..."
"I'm Santa's key transportation. Without me, there'll be no Christmas!"
"I should probably kill you then." muttered Kanda under his breath.
"Lala...the red-nosed Lala...has a very shiny nose..." hummed the fellow, looking exasperated at the same time.
"You've got some issues..."
"I'm Rudolf!" roared the red-nosed reindeer, looking highly offended. "Rudolf! R-U-D-O-L-F! Rudolf!"
"Well, you look ridiculous." said Kanda in a matter-of-factly tone. "Get out of that or I won't give you any candy canes!"