Carmine - Twilight

Pairing: Canon
Rating: T
Summary: All she wants is the chance to say goodbye, to let go, but will the Cullens let her? And how can they let her go, knowing what she's doing? Carmine, a deep red color, is more than just a description for wine. AU for New Moon.
Current Book: Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Current Fanfiction: "Holding Out For You" by ObsessingOverEdward
Current Music: "Nowhere Warm" by Kate Havnevik

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Maybe

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Walking along the pretty streets of Chicago brought upon memories I shouldn't have to face. Haven't I been through enough? How many ways can one heart be mangled and still continue to beat? Not that my heart beat or anything, but it's the principle, the idea.

The various humans passing me by were made up mostly of couples and families. I'm torturing myself further, I suppose, staring at the love, reminding me of what I once had.

What I lost.

I guess I can't say lost. Rather, I should say I had it taken away from me.

He didn't love me.

I could never blame him for it given his reasons. I wasn't anything special in my human life. Even now, now that I'm like him, I'm not particularly anything special. Sure, to human eyes, ears, and noses I'm a gift from above. My long, dark hair frames the pale contours of my face, making my eyes standout like jewels in my face.

To them I'm pretty.

I wish I was pretty to someone else.

It's been forty years since I've seen him. Forty years since I've seen that perfect face and his crooked smile and heard his beautiful laugh.

I'd give up everything to see him again.

But I figure since my dying wish was to see him just one more time, to see his eyes and crooked smile before my heart stopped beating, and I still didn't see him, then there's little hope for me finding him.

Doesn't stop me from wandering the earth like a zombie, desperate for just the faintest hint of contact with any Cullen. I'm probably the most pathetic being in existence given I've spent the last thirty years of my undead life searching for a family that may very not exist. Maybe Forks was just a grand delusion. Or maybe my mind concocted up some fascinating premonition to alert me of my future as a vampire. Either way, a small part of me genuinely searches for them if only to confirm that they were real. That he was real.

I can admit that I do not remember much from my human life at this point. Other than...him, I can only remember key things about the family. I know Carlisle was a doctor and Rosalie despised me, though the reasons are hazy. I remember Emmett's loud, boisterous laugh and I even remember they lived in a large, white house.

Him, though; him I can remember a lot.

So I go from city to city, state to state, country to country, all in the hope of seeing them, of hearing them, of getting the chance to say goodbye to the family I always wanted. I never got to even tell Alice how much her friendship meant to me or Carlisle and Esme how I already thought of myself as their daughter, even if they didn't reciprocate. I wanted to tell Emmett and Jasper how their presence in my life filled me with laughter and the ease of feeling protected. I even wanted to apologize to Rosalie for whatever the hell I did to her.

Then, following that, I'd leave Edward and his family alone. Maybe having peace of mind would allow me to get through eternity, let me move on. Or maybe it would do the opposite and prove to me that a life without him isn't worth living. Maybe it would finally give me the courage to just end it all, burn myself to pieces or go see the Volturi for the third time.

Maybe.

"Bella?"

I knew that voice.

I know that voice.

I love that voice.

Looking up, my eyes met a pair of gold ones.

"What happened to you?"

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A/N: Okay, this is way different from anything I've ever done on here. I know in great respect this story is the cliche - if Edward never came back and had Bella been changed - but I'm trying to form a new spin on it. You see, New Moon is my favorite of the four books and numerous stories have been posted regarding this story-line. However, none of them have taken key items into account that I'd like to look into here. For instance, Bella's memory is usually always perfectly intact. This bothers me - vampires forget their human lives. I'm attempting to take that into this story. I'd tell you more, but that would give away to many things. I've left several hints in this short chapter alone - any guesses? Perhaps on the title itself?

This is just the start, so please let me know what you think. I'll do my best to update frequently, though I have not determined how frequent or how long any of the chapters shall be.

And special thanks to Chanteur d'ombre for catching some of my ridiculous mistakes.

Carmine is the work of fanfiction. The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, but the featured story is mine.