Private Emotions

Author's Note: One of my first fics for Criminal Minds. I never really was a Gideon/Elle shipper but I can actually see them together now for some reason.

Summary: What has Elle been up to since she left the BAU.

Chapter 1: Unexpected Miracle

Og Mandino once said: 'Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished.'

Special Agent Jason Gideon walked up the front steps toward Elle's house. Since she had quite he had done nothing but think about her, dream about her still being close, and fantasies about being with her. Normally Gideon was a man of control but when it came to Elle he couldn't control his feelings for the tall dark beauty. He was in love with her but admitting it out loud was something he'd never do. Unless he was sure she felt the same why, then all bets were off.

Just as he reached the door Elle opened it, her keys and coat in her hand, obviously on her way out. The skirt she was wearing was short and barely covered her perfect ass. The front of her shirt dipped low and revealed the very nice, abundant swell of her breasts. She looked almost surprised to see him standing there. Her eyes were painted a deep blue, the shadow sparkling in the dim light of the moon and stars that littered the sky tonight.

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know you were coming over. I was just on my way to work." She said stepping out on the porch and pulling on her jacket. She reached up and pulled the mane of hair out of the back, the move making the shirt ride up and reveal her newly pierced naval. Gideon swallowed and took a steadying breath, usually piercing didn't turn him on but on Elle it was perfect. He looked down at her bare legs and saw a tattoo that he'd never noticed before there too. A full moon with a red glow coming off of it just below it was the shadow of a woman basking in the red light.

"What kind of work are you doing?" He was truly intrigued only able to think of a few jobs that would allow her this chose of attire. None of which he was happy thinking she was doing.

"I'm a bartender. I work at the Washington Pony just down the street. Care to walk me to work." She smiled and her straight white teeth showed from between matching fire red lips. Nodding he turned and waved her on down the steps in front of him watching the sway of her hips as she did.

"So what did you come by for?" Elle asked after they turned the corner and the sound of loud pulsing music could be heard above anything else. Opening his mouth he didn't knew what to say. Deciding the truth was the best way to go he opted for a version of it.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing. It's not the same around there without you there." Pulling up just short of an ally way she looked at him and tilted her head to the side.

"So you missed me?" She asked looking at him from under her heavy painted eyelashes. Not wanting lie to her he shrugged hoping she'd take it as a more or less. Apparently she did because she smiled again and reaching out she pulled him toward the ally way. Pushing open a door at the side of the bar she pulled him in with her. It was the kitchen; there were several yells of greeting which Elle acknowledged with her own. She still held his hand, her small cold soft hand fitting perfectly inside his larger more rough warmer hand. She led him toward the interior of the bar were several people were gathered drinking and talking. Several suit and tie types were sitting at the tables around the room and still others filled the line of stools along the bar. He didn't knew that this bar had existed until tonight but it seemed like it was full of the rich blooded types who needed a place to unwind after a day of work.

Elle left him at the main end of the bar and moved to the wall where she pulled an apron from a hook and punched the clock on the wall. Coming back over to him she smiled and asked him what he'd like to drink.

"I shouldn't drink, you know how work is, never knew when I'm going to get called in." Nodding she looked down the bar were another woman in a very similar outfit to the one Elle was wearing was taking an order from two men.

"Then how about a soda instead." Gideon nodded and she moved down the bar to get his drink. He watched her and noticed, much to his dismay, that so did several of the other men. But Elle came back to him smiling and propped her hip against the corner as she watched him take a sip of his drink.

"Thank you ma'am. What do I owe you?" Elle shook her head and said it was on the house because he was a law enforcement official and everything. She excused herself to go and clear a table in the back of the room.

The evening flew by and Gideon just sat there on his bar stool, taking a drink of soda occasionally and watching as Elle interacted with the people inside the bar. She seemed so in her element here, with the suits and ties and the skimpy outfits, not that she looked like a whore or anything but she just seemed to fit into the role of bartender so well that it was hard for him to imagine that just a few months ago- God had it really only be a few months- she had been shot and shot a man before quitting the job that had seemed to mean so much to her. But then again having a near death experience changed a lot of people.

When the clock struck one in the morning the bar began to close down and he waited on Elle to finish up before offering to walk with her home. She nodded and taking his hand they left the same way they'd came in. Silently they made there way down the lamp lite street. Gideon wanted to say something but he couldn't just blurt out anything and there was nothing he could say that would sum up what he was feeling in this moment. It was so peaceful being with her, he'd never been with anyone the way he was with Elle. He'd never loved anyone the way he loved her.

"So this is my stop." She said once they stood on the front porch as she dug her keys out of her coat pocket and turned to unlock the door. Stepping inside she turned and looked back at Gideon. "Would you like to come in for a while?" With a nod he entered the house and looked around.

There were a few pictures on the walls mostly decorations that didn't have any outside significance. There was a plasma screen TV on one wall straight across from a large sofa that looked like it had been slept on the day before. On one of the end tables there was a photo moving closer he picked it up and looked at it. He nearly dropped it when he saw that it was of the two of them at the Christmas party last year.

"Oh, Morgan gave it to me not long before I left and I just put it in a frame and stuck it there. I didn't even realize that it was there." She said looking a little uncomfortable that he had seen the photo. He'd forgotten they'd even taken the picture until now.

They had their arms around each other and they'd been dancing. He couldn't remember what to but she was laughing and he was smiling. Her red dress was strapless with a split up to the thigh that was lying open to reveal her perfect creamy skin. His hands were on her lower back just above that perfect ass he remembered fantasizing about that night. Reid and J.J. were in the background as was Garcia and Derek. Hotch had taken the picture he remembered now, he'd told them to smile and snapped the picture.

"I didn't even realize how happy you looked in it until now." He had a copy in the back of his bottom desk drawer that he'd thrown back there the day he'd found out she'd quite. He hadn't realized it was the same picture.

"You have a copy of that." She asked coming to stand beside him. Nodding he went on to explain.

"Hotch gave me a copy the day after he took it. I put it in the bottom desk drawer after you quite. I couldn't bear to look at it and knew that at one point in time you'd looked that happy and then you weren't." He turned and looked at her. "I so sorry Elle, I didn't mean for you to get hurt." She looked down but not before Gideon could notice the tears that came trailing down her checks.

"It was part of the job, I flipped, and I didn't realize what I was doing when I did what I did. Not that I'm confessing to anything but I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did." Taking the picture from him she ran a hand over the image of his face and let the tears come more freely. "I must have looked at this picture a thousand times and wonder who that woman that looked like me and smiling was. She sure was beautiful."

"She still is." Elle's head came up and Gideon stepped closer taking him into his arms. She put the picture done on the table again and sank into the warmth of his embrace. She couldn't believe that this was happening, at least not to her. She'd imagined her and Gideon together before but the tenderness hadn't been part of it. She'd imagined he'd be a demanding lover, the kind that you didn't forget easily but the tenderness was something that spoke to her more than the demand. She pulled back and looked up at him just as he looked down at her. Their faces were inches apart and her breathing suddenly became shallow and a little faster than she'd have liked it to be. She shouldn't be this turned on by him just holding her.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kiss you." He whispered as she looked up into his face and searched his gaze for some sign of something that she wasn't sure she would find.

"I can't think of one." She said after a few minutes and before she could react to anything he leaned down and kissed her. His lips were so soft and his tongue ran along her bottom lip asking silently and demanding at the same time entrance to the canvas of her mouth. She parted her lips slowly and he pressed inside felling the heat and adding to it. She emitted a moan of pleasure from somewhere deep in her throat and leaned further into him. He bent and scooped her up in his arms just holding her against his chest for a moment before pulling back.

"Bedroom." Was all he said and she quickly pointed the way. She knew it; he was going to be a demanding lover, this was just going to be sex. But then way was there this sudden tingle in the vicinity of her heart. She didn't knew and she was to busy at the moment to ponder it, it wouldn't do her any good anyway. They were from two different; make those very different, worlds now. How were they supposed to make it work when he knew the truth about what she'd done? For now one night with him would satisfy her and if she needed more than that she'd just have to live without it. It's not like she hadn't gone a while without having sex, it wasn't like she needed it everyday to survive but what Gideon did to her with just a touch of his lips and tongue wasn't what any normal man could do.

He walked into the room and didn't bother to turn on the over head light, thankfully. She hated doing this in the light; she was always so self conscious about the little imperfections of her body. Gideon laid her down and reached over turning on the small bedside lamp that she used for reading. The rays of light spilled over the bed and illuminated the space where she lay. Gideon stood beside the bed and looked at her, the hard angles of his face softened in the low light. She swallowed and sat up looking him straight in the eye as she reached for the hem of her shirt. Pulling it over her head she felt a rush of cold air hit her bare breasts and harden the nipples into dark brown pecks. Gideon came over and sat down on the edge of the bed reaching out he used his knuckles to learn the slope.

Bending forward he placed a kiss on her collar bone and was rewarded with a shiver. Looking up Elle had her head tilted back and her eyes closed. He whispered her name as he made a track over to her shoulder where the scare from where the bullet had entered her body was. He traced it with his tongue and pressed soft kisses to it as she looked at him in amazement.

What is he doing to me? She thought as she watched him close his eyes and nuzzle her shoulder. He should be making this feel good. It's just sex, it means nothing. He's not supposed to make the ugliness go away. Closing her eyes she felt tears begin to sting the backs of her eyelids. He wasn't supposed to make it better.

"What's the matter Elle, baby?" He whispered moving up to her ear while his hand explored the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She felt his hand still on her hip and his nose brush against her cheek. The tears came flowing down her face without her permission and Gideon pulled her tighter against him. She clung to him as sobs wracked her body. This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to stir her emotions this bad. She wasn't supposed to feel anything.

"I'm not supposed to cry." She whispered against his neck where she had buried her face. He pulled back and looked down at her as tears still made her eyes swim.

"I know." He said pulling her closer to him and wrapping her in his warm embrace. The tears just kept coming; she didn't think she'd cried this much when her father died. Maybe it was all the pent up anger and sadness from her whole life finally breaking free. And Gideon had caused it, with his tender touches and gentleness.

"Do you?" He nodded and nuzzled her neck placing open mouthed kisses down her neck and over her shoulder before coming back to the place where her neck and shoulder met to suckle the sweet flesh there. Elle leaned into him and sighed. The tears were starting to subside and she felt like she could breathe again. Gideon moved from her neck down to her breasts and pulled one dark brown tip into his mouth and tugged gently with his teeth. She let out a moan and threw her head back. She ran her hands through his hair and pulled his closer still. His hands resuming where they had left off exploring her waist and hips.

He found and released the button and zipper that held her skirt in place. Pulling it and her panties down her legs and off he pulled back and looked down at her body. Under his tentative gaze she felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. He brought his hands up and smoothed them over her legs feeling the softness. Over her knees and up her thighs his hands came till they rested on her stomach and he bent forward and pressed soft kisses to the taunt flesh. She squirmed under his ministrations, trying to press closer, to feel more of his mouth on her. He kissed around her belly button and stopped to study her new piercing. He wondered why she'd gotten the piercing and the tattoo which he still had to study a little closer.

"Don't ask about it. I was drunk and needed the pain." She said noticing the questions and intrigue in his eyes. Nodding slowly he moved on with his exploration of her long, beautiful body. He came to rest between her legs where a patch of brown hair covered her from his gaze. He parted her lips and pressed a kiss to the pink center of her body. He felt her shiver and buck beneath him. Keeping his mouth busy he moved his fingers down to her entrance. He pushed one inside and began a slow rhythm that had her moaning his name and throwing her head from side to side on the fluffy pillows that covered her bed.

"Oh my God, Gideon, don't ever stop." She said as he added another finger to join his first and felt her muscles convulse around them, he felt his cock strain against the fly of his jeans at the sensation of the motion around its sergeant. Elle reached down and weaved her fingers threw his hair pressing closer to his face. But Gideon knew what he wanted and knew what would keep Elle on the edge. He pulled back and moved back up her body to her mouth and kissed her deeply.

Pulling back again he removed her shirt and stood to remove his pants and boxers. Elle turned on her side and watched him a sly smile curving her mouth. Who would have thought Gideon would look so incredibly wonderful under all those clothes he wore. His chest was muscled and his abs, though not ripped, were firm. And good lord was he packing a very impressive package inside those jeans of his. He knelt on the bed and rolled Elle over on her back. Kissing her he reached out and took her hands in his. Bringing them above her head he held her still while he nuzzled her neck. He loved her body, it was so beautiful and long. There were so many things he longed to do to her but for right now he had to have her.

Reaching down he guided himself into her and watched as she closed her eyes and pressed up to met him.

"Open your eyes sweetheart." He whispered to her when he was all the way inside her. She did and the clouded passion there made Gideon feel like a very lucky man. He usually was a demanding lover, but with her he wanted nothing but perfect tenderness. So that's what he gave her. He pulled out and sank back into her a slow loving rhythm that pleased both of them. They made love for what seemed like hours each giving a little more than they really knew. When their pleasure crested they both fell at the same time and came back down wrapped in the warm cocoon of each others arms. Elle felt with Gideon what she'd never felt with any other man. He loved her the way that a person should be loved, even though he hadn't said it she knew that's what this amounted to. He loved her. The feeling was something that wouldn't be easily replaced or forgotten.

She snuggled against him and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. He was so cute when he slept. She knew that come morning he'd have to get up and leave to go to work but maybe she could convince him to come back. Maybe she could convince him that she was worth staying for. Just as she was about to drift off the distinct ring of a cell phone went off and made Gideon roll over and moan.

"I'm so sorry." He said and kissed her hair moving away from her to find his jeans. Pulling the phone from his back pocket he answered it with a clipped, sleepy hello.

"Whoa slow down JJ." He said pulling his boxers up over his hips knowing the whole time that Elle was watching him. Once he was dressed, save for his shirt he sat down on the bed to pull on his loafers and felt her shift closer to him. "Tell Hotch I'll meet him at the airport. I'll be there in a few minutes." He clicked off the phone and looked over his shoulder at her. She nodded and wrapped her arms around him from behind.

"Go, I'll be here when you get back." She said knew that her words implied more than it sounded. Had she really meant to say that she'd be waiting for him? Yes, she realized, she had. Because despite everything else and all the reasons they wouldn't work she found herself wanting to try.

"It shouldn't take more than a few days. When I get back we need to talk about what just happened between us." His tone was so gentle. From any other man she would have thought he was breaking it off but with Gideon she could tell he wasn't.

"I'll be waiting." With a kiss she rolled over and pulled the covers over her head listening to him moving through the house toward the door. She heard him lock the front door on his way out and smiled against her pillow. Special Agent Jason Gideon of the FBI's BAU team was a one of a kind man.

TBC

Please review. Be gentle as is my first Elle and Gideon fic.