Disclaimer: Dun own Weiß, really.. you know this by now. Oh and yes, the lyrics were borrowed from Gackt.
Author's Notes: I'm quite screwed up. _;; A friend gave me this idea, and being a sucker for angst, I had to write it.
Warnings: Angst and some more angst. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Dear
by Andariel
Inside of the continually falling rain
Hollowly, I looked up into the sky
With the ends stretching out into eternity
A flock of birds looking for freedom was crying out
Once there had been hope. Once there had been a sliver of hope that kept him moving forward toward a goal that he would not rest until he reached. It had been reached, but for nothing. What had it gotten him? Blood, endless blood on his hands that only brought about the downfall of the very thing he had sought to protect for two years. The very smiling essence of life that kept him out of the endless pit of despair that he saw those around him starting to sink into. He had someone. That was the difference. But now there was no more difference that separated him from the other three. Nothing else to hold him onto this pitiful life of sin and blood that never ended. There was nothing.
The Fates were merciless.
Only your lost smiling face
Could never do anything like betray
Over and over I murmured this to my heart
And no matter how much I've been hurt
And what became the thing that hurts me
I can't stop for anyone
Who was he now? Aya, Ran? Did it matter? Was there even a difference anymore? He was jaded. Broken. Stepped on. Brought down to the endless pits of hell from which he remained, trapped beneath debris after the explosion as Aya-chan few through the air as a mere rag doll or an insignificant leaf. He watched her be taken from him, set in that forsaken hospital bed for two years only to watch her life be taken once again. Mere seconds it had taken, mere seconds for those bright eyes to widen in recognition as she saw him for the first time in three years… ever since that fateful night. Even as the effect of poison that ran through her veins started to take effect, those eyes were shining with recognition and… happiness. She had been happy in that one moment just to see him.
"Ran…" a soft whisper, nothing more as her legs refused to support her any longer.
He was undeserving of such a name, but nevertheless was at her side, the clatter of his sword disturbing the stillness that had taken over the deserted old house. No, not deserted…
"Oniisan…"
A word he would never forget, spoken in a tone that would haunt him until the end of his wasted life. The last word she had spoken before the venom took over her body, those eyes glazing over with something more than the effects of the drug, something that told him that despite the circumstances she had been happy for that moment… she had been happy… he had seen it but he had also seen her die, nestled in his arms, resting against the worn black leather too stained with blood to deserve such a pure touch.
Aya was dead…
It's fine if I only find a little
bit of light
Even if today's sun doesn't rise
"The falling rain will someday cease, won't it..."
The notion finally hit him like a brick wall that night after he had been dragged back home, little more than a mindless zombie that saw nothing before his eyes and could barely support himself. Ken had made it, he was told but it didn't register right away. Yohji had led him to the car and eventually up to his room, leaving him in peace. No, not in peace. He would never again be in peace… never.
And when this life has been
exhausted
There's something precious that cannot be forgotten
Our time together that we fought for
And even when my voice doesn't reach you
Even when we can't return to that time again
I'm here, continuing to cry out to you
Aya was dead… his cherished imouto was dead despite all his efforts, despite all that he had done. It had all been for nothing… the mattress of his bed creaked as he sat on the edge, staring blankly at the hardwood floor before him. The plain floor that matched his equally plain room and life.
Gloved hands shook over his equally black clad lap, revealed and free of the black leather of his coat that hung open. All black… black but not as charred as his heart. Not as painfully scorched by life. Not as jaded, broken, stepped on, beaten. The feeling inside was nothing compared to the null state of his mind, to the numbness it was trying to fool him into feeling. No, it felt like his body would implode at any second without him being able to stop it.
"Aya." The heartbreaking sob finally escaped his lips as the whispered name shattered the silence, starting something he had been avoiding. Starting something that he wasn't sure he could put an end to. He felt so small, so weak. So worthless. He hadn't even been able to protect her…
Even when those times stream by
Like the feelings that make my body shake...
Because the evidence of our continued fighting remains
It came crashing down, like an opened floodgate that had become stuck never to be controlled again. He had vowed to himself that no tear would be shed on that night his life had shattered down around him and now here they were, three years worth of pain held inside opened up mercilessly. The pain that shot up his legs as his knees collided with the floorboards went unnoticed; the physical world didn't matter anymore. Nothing else seemed to matter, really but the fact that Aya's face would not leave him. It was what he saw when he closed his eyes or when he kept them open, when he focused on something or when he dulled everything out. It didn't leave. She didn't leave. He couldn't escape this. Couldn't escape the loss he felt. The utter loneliness…
Someone continues to search for
The meaning of their birth
The tears flowed, salty streams colliding with the wooden floor beneath, staining black leather far too stained with crimson to be longer affected, staining pale marble features that up to then seemed impermeable to anything, any emotion. Doubling over he wrapped one arm around his middle that throbbed as the silent sobs caused his body to quake frighteningly. His other hand came up, gloved fingers touching and covering his lips against the wrecking sobs that were escaping him. It was by no means an effort to silence them, as they were already silent and he could care less about who heard him at that point. It didn't matter. It was trivial, his masks, his efforts of carelessness, his stoic and cold attitude and endless search for solitude that did him no good. It didn't matter.
It hurt. Everything hurt so goddamn much. Palms shot out, flatting out against the floor as a powerful shudder caused him to lean forward. This time he found his voice, whimpering freely with the emotion that had been bottled up for so much. What a pitiful sight he must have made then. Not like it mattered.
And no matter how much I've been
hurt
And what became the thing that hurts me
I can't stop for anyone
"Aya," he whispered between the shaky breaths that were barely enough to bring oxygen into his shuddering body. A whimper. More tears. Bowing his head, he forced his eyes shut against the cruel, ugly reality that he unfortunately still lived in. Not that he was suicidal, simply had no love for the life that had screwed him over not once but twice.
He never heard the knock at the door, or the muffled words asking if he was all right. He never heard the doorknob turn or the door being pushed open, or the footsteps that halted upon seeing his miserable figure, breaking down on the floor beside his bed. Nor did he hear the same footsteps as they approached after allowing the door to close with a light click. He heard nothing, for really felt the arms that pulled him up into a comforting embrace. But he knew the touch, recognized it thanks to the nights spent in bliss because of it; recognized the unmistakable scent of his lover as he was pulled to rest against that firm chest he had ravished with kisses more than once; to hear that steady heartbeat against his head, echoing softly and lulling him but never stopping the tears. After a moment he felt himself wrap his own arms around that bandaged middle, not once forgetting that Ken had been wounded badly earlier that night. How the younger man had managed to come in here like this he did not know, but the very thought only made it worse.
It's fine if I only find a
little bit of light
Even if today's sun doesn't rise
"The falling rain will someday cease, won't it..."
The crane was stuck… the floodgate refused to close.
He heard the soft whispers that tried to soothe him, to comfort him but what kind of comfort could be brought now? He was tired, he knew that. He also knew that this felt like the end of the world and this time there was nothing keeling him moving forward. Nothing to keep him pinned to this earth.
That is, beside the young man that held onto him tightly, that stroked his fingers through crimson blood hair, the whispered to him and comforted him when there was no comfort on the earth that could take away the horror he was living through.
"That's right, this rain will someday cease, won't it..."
~*~ TBC? ~*~
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------Well. ::Clears her throat.:: I've done it this time, ne? This was supposed to just be a little thing I wrote last night, but it's giving me a whole lot of ideas. Not sure if I wanna go into a fic like this or not. o.o; It's quite… uh… screwed up? Yah, that'd be word. Lemme know whatcha think and if I should be as evil to continue it or not. Ja!