Hijikata lay in bed, his arm over his face to block out the light but he was still unable to sleep. Merely hours ago he had stopped Kazuma and won his right to live, Hakuouki, Kazuma had called him, his devil name. Shaking his head to clear the memory he sat up and moved to the window, flinching as his stomach muscles contracted and caused pain to flare in his wound. He didn't mind though, that pain was a sign that he was alive, and as long as he was alive he could be with her. Yukimura Chizuru. That girl had been through so much for the sake of the Shinsengumi and when he had felt that he could no longer justify having her come with him, he had left her behind. It was a decision he had bitterly regretted everyday after he had sailed away to Ezo, her absence was like a whole in his heart and no matter how hard he worked he couldn't fill that void. Leaning on his windowsill Hijikata looked up a the moon and remembered the nights without her, they had been even worse than the days. Chizuru's presence had kept the nightmares at bay but without her there, every night he had been barraged with scenes of horror from the war, face after face of all the men he had killed flashed before him and then they came. Harada, Nagakura, Heisuke, Sannan, Okita, Inoue, Yamazaki and Kondo. All of them appeared before him with their clothes splattered with blood and the same look in their eyes; the blamed him, hated him and had come to torture him with nightmares. Then she had appeared, Chizuru stood before him, no trace of her usual laughter in her eyes, they were cold and dead,
"You murderer!"
Eventually he had become so afraid of these dreams that he refused to sleep and worked through the night, until his world became just as colourless and devoid of of life as his dreams had been. That was why when she had returned and flooded that world with life and colour he hadn't been able to muster the strength to send her away, but still fear of those nightmares kept him from sleeping. He gripped the windowsill hard, furious at his own cowardice when a soft knock sounded at his door, knowing his visitor could only be one person he said,
"Come in." And turning around he saw her standing in the doorway, dressed in her thin sleeping kimono, holding a shawl around her shoulders with her long hair loose down her back. She padded over to him, her bare feet not making any noise on the wooden floorboards.
"I thought you might still be awake. Otori-san said you don't sleep much these days. I was worried." She smiled, reaching out he cupped her cheek with his hand and smiled back,
"You shouldn't worry so much, I'm fine, really." Reaching up she ran her fingers against his lips before dropping her hand back down to her side,
"I've known you for a long time, Hijikata-san, and I know you're lying. You promised to let me in, to let me share your burden, so please don't try to hide anything from me. All I want is to support you." Pain spasmed across his face, he didn't want to tell her of his weakness, of the nightmares that kept him from sleeping. He didn't want her to see his cowardice because he was terrified that she would leave, and he knew if she did he would not be able to survive again. Closing his eyes he took his hand away from her face, sitting down on the bed and hiding his face in his hands.
"I can't, because if I do you might leave. And-"
"I won't leave." He looked up, surprised, she was staring down at him a fierce intensity burning in her eyes. "I promised I wouldn't, didn't I? I love you, Hijikata-san, so I will never leave you." Reaching out she placed her hands on either side of his face and looked into his eyes,
"Tell me." she said. He smiled, a small sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"Jeez, I can't win with you, can I." The smile vanished and reaching out he took her hands, stroking his thumbs over her skin. Taking a deep breath he began,
"I'm scared to sleep. If I do the nightmares come, I see the faces of all the men I've ever killed. I see the faces of my friends, dead following my orders, I see them covered in blood and staring and in their stares I can feel the accusation and hatred." He stopped, swallowing nervously he squeezed her hands tighter. "And then I see you. Your eyes are dead and cold and you call me a murderer." Chizuru knelt down in front of him and looked directly into his eyes,
"Why would I leave you over that?" He blinked in surprise, "Hijikata-san listen, you may think these nightmares make you weak but I don't see it that way. The reason you are tortured by these dreams is because you care. You have compassion for you subordinates and you feel guilt for the lives you took. If you ask me that makes you stronger than you could be with just you sword. That side of you Hijikata-san, is nothing to be ashamed of." At those words Hijikata felt his chest tighten and, letting go of her hands he pulled her into his arms.
"I should have known," he whispered. "You always see the good in me. I don't know how or why, but you do. Thank you, Chizuru." Chizuru smiled and relaxed into his embrace, resting her head in the crook of his neck,
"I love you, Hijikata-san."
"Toshizo. It's Toshizo, you can call me that if you like."
"Ok. Toshizo it is." pulling her back on the bed he continued to hold her against his body, her presence was so warm and comforting that for the first time in months, he felt relaxed.
"Chizuru?"
"Yes?"
"Will you stay with me tonight? Just like this?"
"Yes." Hijikata felt his eyelids begin to get heavy but there was one last thing he wanted to say,
"Chizuru?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"I know."