AUTHOR'S NOTE!: Helllooo, everyone. My Brucas story is not on hold, I'm still writing for it. It's just going to be done slowly. This story is one that I've been wanting to write since I read, "New Moon", and I just started typing one day. Unlike my previous writing style, I'm trying to start planning what I'm going to write a bit more. The layout of each chapter will be in my head and I just have to fill in the quotes and everything. There's not much to say except for this story is in Edward's point of view. I haven't decided if some chapters will be from the Cullens' or even a few from Bella's, I guess I'll figure it out eventually, but mostly, it's Edward's thoughts and emotions. I thought "New Moon" was perfect, obviously, but I really want to start thinking about it all from Edward's mind. I'd like to see and explore exactly how much he blamed himself and I'll warn you, it does get a bit repetitive but when your a vampire who loses the reason for your very existence, I would think your thoughts tend to center around the same thing. The title for this story comes from the song, "Feel This" by Bethany Joy Galeotti. All my fellow OTH fans, I heard it on the season finale and now I love it and it seems a bit befitting of Edward. So anyways, enjoy the story please and I can take criticism...

DISCLAIMER!: I don't own the characters, the plot, or the stories. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. I write strictly from her amazing ideas and I do it because she inspires me.

Chapter 1- UNBEARABLE

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Utterly unbearable.

That's what the last 6 hours had been. And they were getting increasingly worse. In a normal time, in a normal world, pain was supposed to decrease as time passed. But when you were one of the few "blessed" with eternal life, hours didn't mean the same thing. They were supposed to be short and meaningless, almost nothing to live through. So why did these hours that he was currently attempting to live through feel so unbelievably painful?

Who was he trying to deceive? Himself? Impossible. As much as he wished he were able to stop thinking about the things running through his mind, he knew he would never choose to do so. It made no sense to anyone but him.

It was humanly, and even un-humanly, impossible for anyone to ever understand what he was facing. What he was facing. It sounded so absolute and...forever.

An eternity seemed like a dream come true to every human he had ever met. He could see their thoughts and he never failed to see the word forever stamped in their minds. They always contemplated exactly what it would mean, what they would be gaining, and what they would never have to face. It was so much easier to think of forever in a way where your whole life would never be anything but fulfilling and satisfying. They never thought of the price of forever, of all the things that you really would lose. Of all the things you never would experience. They prayed for eternity and never once thought about what would happen when they got it. They could never see beyond that first moment when it was finally granted or the moments where their existence would actually mean something. They longed for eternal life and cringed at the idea of death.

How inexcusably lucky they were. All those insignifacant humans that were actually praying to God in this very moment for a life after the one they were living now. It made him laugh at the idea. They were praying to God for eternity. They had no idea that he had no control over the kind of eternity they were wishing for. If they wanted eternity, they needed someone else; another species entirely. If they wanted eternity, why couldn't they all simply come to him and demand for his?

He had lived over 80 years and not once asked for a human life. He had never regretted his existence, he always thought that it was by some unlucky stroke of something else, a higher power, that he was what he was. He'd had no choice in the matter of his current existence, it was involuntary. But that doesn't mean that he had ever been resentful or bitter about it.

Until now. Now was the first time in both of his lives' he had lived that he wished for a human life again. The bitterness and resentment that had never plagued him before was now quickly washing over him as if trying to get back at him for never being exposed before. It was biting at him and leaving deep and unhealing wounds on his flesh. If his heart had beats left to it, they would skip unevenly for the pure jealousy and anger that would be clawing at it.

The odd thing in all of these new emotions he had never felt before was the reason he was feeling them. He was not resentful of the humans for their lives they would get to lead, no matter how short a time it may seem to him. It was not for the joy and fulfillment he knew they would have. It was not even for the chance he knew they had at heaven, a place meant for great souls and eternal happiness. It was for none of these things that his heart and mind were longing for.

It was for the simple ease of the deaths they could force upon themselves. It was for the ability they had to ignore pain and banish it to the lowest realms of their being. He would give every second he had left to have that kind of power. He never wished for the mortality he'd been denied more than he was wishing for it now.

It would have been so much easier...better...if he had died the death he was meant to when he was 17. With that simple death, he could have avoided the pain he was feeling now and he would never feel the destrcution of his being that he knew now.

And it would have been so much better for Bella.

Bella.

Ah! To think her name was more pain than he had felt in all his years as a monstrous creature! He wanted so badly to block her name from invading his mind and to keep her face away from entering his every thought. But he could not do that. Not a moment had passed since the last moment he'd forced himself to have with her where her beauty didn't radiate in his head and he couldn't feel the warmth of her skin still lingering...melting away the ice that was his own.

He had lived throught the last 6 hours of his existence and doing that was more than he could have ever dreamed of accomplishing. He was still in disbelief that he had made it through the 15 minutes it took to convince her that she wasn't essential for him to keep being. That was his punishment he had always known was coming for him. He had known all these years he had been walking the planet, existing but never living, that someday the reprecussion for being what he was would catch up to him. But he never thought it would actually be the destrcution of him. He could have never guessed that when it happened, when revenge had been taken on him, that it would be like this. The gods or God above him were really intent on making sure he no longer existed, that he no longer defied nature by breathing in perfectly good air.

They had given him the worst punishment imaginable, a kind that he would never be able to forget. A kind that would quite literally haunt him forever. A kind that came in the form of a simple look on his beautiful Bella's face. A look of torture, a look of defeat...a look of death. A look that only a horrendous creature like himself could cause her.

And that's why he had to do it. That look that would forever haunt him and destroy him was the very reason he didn't immediately turn back around when he waled out of that forest and out of her world. He made a vow to himself, and to her, that he would never cause her so much pain again. He would stay away from her and he would take all the things that could possibly remind her of him in the future. He wanted her to be able to keep living, though he could not. Anything left there that he could get rid of, for her, he did. He wanted to make it all easier for her. He wanted nothing left there that could make her thoughts sway to a time with him, especially if that happened when she started to get better. And she would get better. She had to.

The last 6 hours had not been just pure torture because of her absence from his prescence, but for the pain he knew she was feeling. The pain he knew he was causing her. His original plan was to go back after a few weeks to check on her and make sure that she could not hurt herself. He had planned to do that every so often. The least he could do after practically killing her and destroying her very self was to make sure she had the chance to live. HE would protect her, always, from any harm that could befall her. He would make sure that she would get a life, regardless of what she might be thinking. He knew that it was very selfish of him to force life upon her without him in it when he knew that it was impossible for himself, but he could live with being selfish in this way. It would ebnefit her as well, in the long run. but, that was all a part of his original plan.

The pain gnawing at him now was an obvious revelation on his part: he could never go back. Never.

He'd thought that when he'd forced Bella to make him that promise, it was useless. It wouldn't matter if she tried to hurt herself because he wouldn't allow it. He would watch her constantly without her knowing and make sure she was safe. It would be hard for him but that didn't matter. It would be best for Bella.

Now, he couldn't be happier that he had forced that promise on her. The pain he was feeling now was a thousand times worse than what he ever expected and that was a shock in itself; he had thought that the pain would just nearly kill him. But this was...beyond death. This was something else completely. He felt as if he were the first person in all of history to feel this way and that was enough to keep him satisfied. He knew he deserved this pain. He was grateful for it. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

He watched as the cars passed him by. He had stopped on the side of the road right beyond the limits of Forks. He stared at the back of the sign he had memorized well after all his trips in and out of the town for his family's "camping trips." A smaller pain overcame him as he realized that he would never come back. He had become quite used to being in this rainy little town and he would miss the chances he had at coming out in the day more often. He had no idea where he was headed next but he doubted that it would be as gloomy and beautiful as this place. It's beauty and signifigance had more to do with the town's present company than anything else though, he was not such a fool to believe other than that.

He looked out at the road ahead of him and took one last glance at the road leading back to his life, his fate, his love. That path could not be followed and now he only had his memories left. He convinced himself that if he thought things would eventually be better for her, for his Bella, that he would somehow be okay too. He would never stop loving her or wanting her, that was not even an option. But he would live without her if that's what would save her.

He opened the door to the silver Volvo and climbed in. He started the engine and pulled onto the main road quickly. He drove as fast as he could away from Forks, all the while resisting the urge to look in his rearview mirror.

Finally, as he knew the sign would be just barely visible, he succombed to his temptation, took one tiny glance, saw only her beautiful face in the reflection before him, and whispered to the winds, "Goodbye, Bella. I love you."

AUTHOR'S NOTE!: Good? bad? heartbreaking? stupid? Let me know and I'll appreciate it :)