Guilt and Sunsets, a kingdom hearts fanfic

Author's Note:

Right. I shouldn't be typing this at all. But my muse won't work for any of my other stories at the moment, and I've been playing with this idea for a while, and since I can't even begin to type anything else… well, I'm lucky to be able to type something.

Warning: Boy love, suggested content, etc, etc, etc.

Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, I wouldn't be typing this, now would I?

Dear Journal,

Something's wrong with Riku. I couldn't figure out what it is, though. Everyone else spends time giving each other these… these… looks! Like they know something I don't! Gah! It's driving me insane!

I mean… I saved the world. Couldn't they cut me some slack every once and a while? I mean, if it wasn't for me, most of them would be heartless, or dead, or whatever. Grr. Stupid people being stupid.

Right, back to Riku.

It's not like something's wrong with him… he's just… different then I ever expected him to be. I mean, even before the battles ended completely, he was still cocky, still really… Riku-y.

I mean, Riku used to bug me so much. Like, he always took up all the attention. It felt like if he was in the room, it was "Riku" this and "Riku" that. I could talk to everyone in the room, I could strip and pole dance, and the only person they would see would be Riku. He was like, their God. Not that I really cared, though. Riku was my best friend for a really, really, really long time. I'd known him since we were both in diapers. (Riku insists I used to wear a loincloth. But what does he know?) We played in the sand together, got stung by jellyfish together… I mean, of course we grew apart a little bit once we got in junior high.

I mean, that happens to everyone, growing apart with age. But he was still my friend. We hung out every once and a while. We shared a few laughs, a few smiles. I always had a ton of friends, but not in the same way Riku did. Riku had hoards and hoards of people around him at all time, mostly because of his beauty. I'll admit it. He's beautiful. Gorgeous even. He attracted all the attention because of his looks, but normally no one saw past that, to the interior. He was spiteful and cold to mostly anyone but me. That's probably why he kept coming back. He could have millions of friends, but he couldn't keep them long… he just didn't know how.

Me on the other hand? I had tons of people around me because apparently I'm "A real Swell Guy." Of course, that meant I got basically zero female action. No one wants to date the "swell guy." It's just how junior high is.

And then... Kairi. In the middle of our 7th grade year, she randomly appeared, and for no reason at all, she decided she liked me, and started following me around. The prettiest girl on the entire island wanted to hang with me at all times. She was never seen without me. "Goofy Sora" became her newest accessory, and Riku couldn't stand it. He must have liked her or something, because suddenly we were "best friends" again. Maybe if I was someone else, this would have bothered me, but I was secretly glad to hang out with him again. After all, I looked up to him a lot. He gave me a reason to try my best, to try and beat him.

And then… the darkness came. We'd been planning a kind of… escape, and then, well, you know that part of the story, obviously. I became a hero, Riku, a zero, Kairi a princess…

And then a happy ending.

Right?

That's what I thought too… but apparently, I'm never right.

So, like I said, something is wrong with Riku. As I explained, he used to be the center of attention. Now it's like he doesn't exist, at least, not to mostly everyone. It's not like they're mean to him, or ignore or avoid him. He's done it himself. And it's not like he doesn't leave his house or something. He does, a lot. It's because he's always with me.

Always.

I'm not even kidding.

He's my shadow. He's the lost puppy who followed me home. He stalks behind me like a bodyguard, but not, because he's so… quiet. It's like he's not even there. He doesn't talk to anyone except me, and sometimes Kairi. He won't join a conversation with more than two people. If I'm not going to a party, neither will he.

And even when he talks to me, he never looks into my eyes, never gives me any eye contact. He wears dark, loose fitting clothing and spends most of the day looking at his feet. He studies a lot, but never gets grades better than B's and C's. He used to be incredibly smart, y'know? A's all the time. Honor roll and stuff all the time. Prestigious offers to boarding schools for incredibly smart people.

He's become… nothing. Sometimes I even forget that he's around. But like a piece of glass, or beautiful pottery, I can't say anything. He's too fragile, and I don't want to break him more than he's already broken.

Especially since he got disowned.

Right.

So, here's that story.

His parents… well, when he got back and they found out all of what he did, and then a bunch of other stuff he wouldn't tell me about, they disowned him. Just up and told him to get out of their house. And then they moved… and didn't leave an address.

So now he sleeps in my room on the pull out futon. I told you he was always around, right?

It's not that I mind. Like I said, he's quiet most of the time, rarely ever speaking directly to me, holding most of his conversations with the carpet, or a nice dirty sock when he's supposed to be talking to me.

A couple weeks after he moved in (which was really no big deal, considering my mom always loved Riku like a son. Sometimes I thought she loved him more than me, even) I noticed sometimes I would just sit up, awake in the darkness of our now shared room, kind of shivering with this heartbreakingly terrified look on his face.

So I bought him a nightlight.

I think he almost hugged me for it. He's been a lot easier to please lately. Actually, it's starting to bug me, how grateful he is for everything. I mean, I love modesty but…

Well.

For example, almost every other word out of his mouth is "Sorry" or "please" or "I hope I'm not being a burden" or "thank you so much" or "I don't know how I can ever repay you."

There's only so much worship a guy can get before he goes insane, y'know?

I think I might go talk to Kairi about it. Wish me luck!

-Sora Hikari

Dear Diary,

So, I talked to Kairi about it, and she was really weird. I mean, I know I'm not the most normal person in the entire world, but Kairi was just being downright weird! I'm not even joking. So, here's what happened.

I went over to her house, and she opened the door and did her normal "OMG SORA OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!" thing, then gave me about a million hugs. You know. The usual girl thing. Gosh, they're so weird.

Then we made some tea and went out on her porch to talk, like we normally do when I come over. Who ever said guys couldn't drink tea was obviously stupid. I love tea, especially the raspberry-lemon kind Kairi makes. It's like… the most amazingly amazing thing ever.

So, basically, here was our conversation:

Me: So, have you noticed Riku's been acting strange since we got back?

Kairi: Uh… no, of course not.

Me: Really? Not at all?

Kairi: I mean, maybe a little bit…

Me: I mean, I just think he's completely different.

Kairi: Well, I suppose so-

Me: I just can't believe how much he's changed! He used to be so… Riku-y, and now he's…. un-Riku-y!

Kairi: Well, yeah, I can kind of see that, I guess.

Me: Huh?

Kairi: Well, yeah, he did kinda join the darkside and freak everyone out. You have to figure he still feels really guilty about, y'know, almost killing you, and everything. I mean, especially since it WAS you…

Me: Well, yeah, but I already told him I forgave him!

Kairi: Sometimes, it's not other people's forgiveness we need, but our own.

Me: Have you been reading Self help books again?

Kairi: Maybe.

Me: Kairi…

Kairi: All right, all right! Jeesh. You ask me for advice and then you won't take it.

Me: Well, maybe it was because I wanted actually reasonable advice.

Kairi: …

Me: Uh… Not that yours isn't reasonable… just… kind of… unhelpful.

Kairi: You know what I think? I think you're blind. Because there's obviously so many things going on with Riku, and you're just completely oblivious. And you call me unreasonable… (A couple mumbling bad things here) Go home, Sora.

Which was about the time she kicked me out of her house. I didn't even get to finish my tea! Gosh. I bet she was on her period or something. She can get really moody when she's on her period.

I just can't figure out what she means! I mean… I know I can be on a bit of the slow side, but I'm not THAT oblivious! I mean, there was that joke about gay horses I didn't get for a couple months… and when Selphie had a crush on me, or that Namine was actually Kairi….

OH NOES!

Wow. I really AM oblivious!

Ahhhhh!!

I'm doomed.

I think I'll talk to Tidus. He's pretty normal.

-Sora Hikari

Dear Diary,

I went to go talk to Tidus today. Well, actually, I almost didn't go. I mean, I left Riku by himself yesterday, and to do it again today… he'd get that "I'm a sad, emo puppy" look on his face. Except he slept really late today, so I left while he was sleeping, that way I wouldn't get "the look."

I figured he'd be on the beach, probably tanning or doing whatever that bum does when he's not doing… other stuff. Actually, now that I think of it, I really have no idea what Tidus does all the time. He's just always kinda around… Hmm. I'd better make a mental note to find out one of these days what it is he actually does around here. I mean, he needs to pull his share of the… stuff…doing. …Shut up.

It made sense in my head.

So, I eventually found him lying in the sun, tanning. Which is basically what he normally does when he's not doing whatever else he does when he's not tanning. I plopped down next to him and exchanged the normal greetings of "Yo, what's up" and "Not much, you" and " Not much…" and then that really awkward pause.

And then I actually started talking. Our conversation was something like this. (Excuse me if it's not completely correct, talking to Tidus makes me kinda bored and tired, so some of his responses might sound… basically like whatever else he says.)

Me: So, have you noticed something's up with Riku?

Tidus: Nah, not really, man.

Me: Really?

Tidus: Well, he's a lil more quiet lately, dude, but y'know, that's fine with me. More ladies for the Tide-stir!

Me: Tidus, you're gay.

Tidus: Yo, not the point, man.

Me: Riiiiiigggght.

Tidus: You know, though, now that I think of it, I think Riku said something to me yesterday about needing to talk to you.

Me: Oh, do you know what about?

Tidus: I'm not sure, man, but he seemed really anxious about it.

Me: Hmm.

Tidus: I think, y'know, not being able to save Kairi… or even help you… I think that kinda screwed him up in the head. Like…wooooaaaahhhh, and all.

Me: I see…

Tidus: Yeah…

Me: I'm just gonna kinda walk away now.

Tidus: Right. Cya man!

Talking to Tidus reminds me that I should never touch weed, or alcohol. It obviously makes you a little bit… weird.

But Tidus is cool too, sometimes, when he's not being strange. As far as I know, he's the only other gay person on the island. Not that I'd ever date him. That'd just be kind of sick. Plus, I already kind of have a crush… but… I don't like admitting it.

So eh.

I wonder what Riku wanted to talk to me about. I guess I really didn't seem him much yesterday and all. He probably just wanted to talk about homework, or thank me for something, or whatever. The norm.

I better find out what his problem is soon, though. I'm almost starting to miss the old in-your-face Riku. I miss competing, or play fighting. He won't lift a sword against me, even a wooden one. I just want my best friend back. I need him to be the old Riku again, not this new one I don't understand. It sucks, not knowing… understanding your best friend. It makes me feel cheap, and guilty, like I should know, but I don't.

Gosh.

I'm depressing myself.

I better go before I start acting like Riku! The horrors!

-Sora Hikari

Dear Diary,

So, when I got home, Riku was finally awake and at the kitchen table, eating cheerios. Because it was summer, we got to sleep late. Next year, we'll be juniors, technically, but I'll mostly be taking lower classes, trying to make up for the ones I'd missed while I was off killing stuff.

My mom was at work at the bakery, so we were home alone, like most days in the summer. I got some Reese's puffs and sat down across from him, smiling.

"Hey Riku! What's up?" I asked between bites of cereal. He looked up, as if startled I was here talking to him. I frowned for a moment. I wondered if he even noticed that I'd come home.

"N-not much, S-sora," he stuttered, his eyes locking onto mine for the first time in what feeled like forever. At least since I'd taken his hand and led him back to Destiny Island. He quickly broke the eye contact.

"Huh, I see," I muttered, poking around in my cereal. How had I not noticed how quiet Riku was sooner? I really hadn't noticed since about last week, and we'd been back for about six months now. It kind of made me feel like a bad friend.

Awkward silence filled the room. The only sound was the killing of helpless cereal, crunched to death in our mouths, and the sound of our weapons hitting the sides of the poor cereal's enclosure.

"Riku, is something wrong?" I asked him, finally just deciding to be direct about the whole thing.

"What?" He asked, startled into giving me eye contact again.

"It's just, you've been so quiet… and… un-Riku-y… lately," I informed him, pouting a little bit, and looking up at him (considering that even sitting down, he's still taller than me). "I mean, are you… angry with me?" I asked, my eyes going wide at the notion.

What if he was angry with me?

That could be it!

"What?" He almost shouted, shaking his head as if I was being ridiculous. "Of course I'm not mad at you Sora! I'm the opposite of mad at you! I'm just… mad at me," he said, then pinched his nose between his fingers and sighed.

"You could be dead right now, Sora, and it would all be my fault… and yet… you're not mad at me at all! Even my parents hated me! No one but you and Kairi looks at me the same way! But you're just… the same to me as you've always been. Like, nothing changed at all. I don't know how you do it! God, Sora, you even let me stay in your house, in your room! And you don't even know how-" He paused, and covered his mouth.

"I don't know what?" I asked, wondering what it was he was about to say. But he just shook his head, building that wall up between us again.

I sighed. "Riku, you're my best friend. You've always been my best friend. You need to get over the fact that I'm just not going to drop you because of some stupid stuff you did while we were gone," I told him, rolling my eyes, a little bit irritated.

"I mean, you're still Riku, and I'm still Sora, right?" I asked, tilting my head. He looked just about ready to cry.

"No, Sora… You're not Sora, and I'm not Riku. We just can't be the same people after this! I mean, I just can't be the old Riku anymore… I don't want to be anyone anymore; I just want to be…gone. But I won't leave. I can't leave you. I couldn't… I l-… I owe you too much," he told me, his eyes filling with tears.

Wow.

Riku wanted to leave?

This was news to me. I never figured he'd want to leave. Me, I would be too afraid to leave again, after I spent so much time wanting to come home. But Riku, I guess he felt too guilty.

"Riku… I give you my full permission to leave," I told him, looking back down into my cereal.

It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever said in my entire life, because, well, I'll admit it.

Somewhere along the lines, it became more than just wanting to find Riku because he was my best friend. Somewhere along the lines, I found out I needed Riku in my life… I fell in love with him… and now he'd never know it.

I know, you're all probably giving me "WTF??" looks. Oh, and you probably want to know about Kairi. I mean, I guess I was supposed to be in love with her and all.

But really, she's like a deranged little sister to me.

Plus… Well, when we got back to the island, she was all like, "Sora, you're gay, I'll get over it," and that was before I even told my mom I was gay. Is it really that obvious? I mean, I'm not THAT girly looking? Right?

…

Shut up, Diary.

Anyhow.

It was the hardest thing I've probably ever done.

And when Riku looked up at me, his eyes were full of both gratitude and something else, like… remorse. He looked relieved, but pained…like he had gotten something he'd wanted, but at the same time, he didn't want it at all.

"I'll send a message to Tron, tell him to get Cid to give Leon a ship to come pick you up," I told Riku, and he just nodded, and as I left, I was sure I saw a teardrop hit the table, but then again, I wasn't really sure.

I sent a message to Tron fairly quickly and got the reply that Leon would be by the next morning to pick up Riku. I was happy, but… really sad at the same time, I mean… what did you expect me to do, Diary?

He was in so much pain… it was like, he was dying… he obviously needed to get away, get a new start…

But… I'm pretty sure that was when my heart broke.

A life without Riku wasn't really a life at all.

And I knew what I had to do.

I had to talk to Roxas.

Ok, I'm guessing that probably sounds a little weird, considering Roxas is I and I am Roxas, but like Namine apparently told him, they couldn't fade completely back into Kairi and me. We were too separate now.

Now, apparently Namine in Kairi talk all the time, like, ever minute in every day. Namine helps Kairi with homework, projecting out of her like a ghost or whatever and they hang out. With Roxas, and me well, it's not the same.

We rarely ever talk. He stays in his corner of my head, and I stay in mine. Now, he does project out of me a lot, but I rarely ever see him. He normally spends his time staring at the sunset or just silently walking around. No one but Riku, Kairi, and I can see him anyhow, so it really doesn't matter what he does as long as he comes back eventually.

Now, everyone has his or her own theory about Roxas, but I think that mine is probably the closest. I mean, no one else really knew… but I think Roxas and Axel might've had something.

I think they might've been as in love two guys without hearts could be. I mean, that's just what it seemed like to me. After all, Axel even said, "He made me feel like I had a heart." I don't know much about friendship, but that doesn't seem very friend-like to me. More like, love-like.

But like I said, it's just my opinion.

So, I think he misses Axel, which is why he never really talks. So on the off chance I do need to talk to him, I have to either go find him outside, or in my own head. Both ways take a while. I think he likes to avoid me.

I looked around my head a while, but I couldn't find him, so I went to the old play island. I could normally find him over there on the beach, staring out at the sunset or something. It was getting sort of close to sunset time. So I went to find him.

I basically found him where I thought I would.

I sat down next to him and we both stared at the ocean.

Finally, he said something, which was kind of a shocker. Normally I had to practically bug him into talking.

"You're an idiot," he told me.

I just kinda stared at him like a dying fish, all gaping and wide-eyed and open mouthed.

"You have him here. He's not dead. You love him, and you're letting him get away. Do you know how fucking much I would give to have that right now? To have Axel here? Yeah, I know you know; don't look at me like I'm as oblivious as you are. God. People like you… I would kill people like you. You're so stupid, and you know it, but you're still letting him go," Roxas angrily snapped at me.

He turned and looked back out at the sunset, peering as the yellow and red mix of light.

"Sora, we watched the same sunset as you did. Don't forget that. Everyone watches the same sunset. What you do with that knowledge, I don't fucking care. Just remember that you're no better or worse than anyone else watching it. You fucking deserve to have him, to love him as much as anyone else watching the sunset fucking deserves to have someone. The only difference is that you do have someone, but you're letting him leave to watch the sunset with someone else, and you're not even putting up a fight. I thought you were better than that, Sora," Roxas said, disappointment laced in his voice.

"We watched the same sunset as you did, but now we can't. Don't do that too, Sora. Don't leave; don't let him leave… because then you'll have to watch the sunset alone. And no one should have to do that, not even a nobody," he practically whispered. Then he got up and started to walk away.

"Oh, and just so you know, he loves you too," Roxas said off-handedly, and then walked away, going off to watch the sunset alone.

I just sat there, kind of stunned. I barely even knew what had just happened, I was so shocked.

Then I looked up at the sunset, a mixture of red and yellow that would never be again, and I stood up.

I knew what I had to do.

I ran back home, but by the time I got there, Riku was gone. Not gone as in had left, but he was out of the house. His stuff was all packed and out of my room, sitting by the bottom of the stairs. I looked all over the place for a note, or some sort of sign, but I couldn't find any.

But I still knew. I knew where he was.

I ran back to the old play island, a race against time and fate. He'd be gone first thing in the morning, and I wasn't even sure if he'd say goodbye.

The secret place was the same as it had always been. It was cool, and it was dark, but the stones sort of glittered and emitted a soft glow. Drawing littered the walls from our child hood.

I found him sitting next to the picture of Kairi and me sharing a paopu fruit. I remember drawing that, but I no longer meant what I had meant then.

After all, Kairi was a girl.

At first I thought he was cold and trembling, but then I realized he was crying. I sat down next to him and put my arm around him. He probably would've been startled, but I think he half expected this to happen the entire time.

"Riku…" I started, and he looked up, his blue-green eyes slightly red from tears.

"I love you."

And then I kissed him.

And he kissed me back.

And I knew that everything would be all right.

-Sora Hikari

Dear Diary,

The next day when Leon got there, he found Riku and me; hands help tightly, standing on the beach, with some bags. He looked at me and then walked over towards Leon. I handed him his bags and he looked me straight in the eyes.

I stepped up and kissed him. He kissed back.

We looked at Leon, who looked confused, but happy for us.

Riku got into the Gummi ship and then Leon got in too.

I stood watching them, a bittersweet feeling in my heart. A couple of tears fell from my eyes, and I looked back towards my home.

Then I grabbed my bags, and I got in the Gummi Ship too.

What, did you think I'd let him leave without me?

What kind of idiot do you think I am?

That was a couple weeks ago. I'm sorry I haven't had much time to write, diary, but I've been busy in Hollow Bastion. Riku and I found a cheap apartment, and he seems a lot more like the old Riku, except, well… now we make out. A lot. And maybe a little bit more, but what kind of whore do you take me for? Like I'm going to tell my diary about our hot, steamy sessions in the shower, where we gently caress each other while making sweet love.

Psh.

I don't kiss and tell, thank you very much!

Currently, Riku is laying his head in my lap as I write in this. He thinks I think he's sleeping, but I know he's awake. I've seen him open his eyes a few times, and grin. I might push him off soon enough.

I kind of miss Kairi, and being at home, but at the same time, I know that they're watching the same sunset as we are, and that's good enough for me.

I guess Roxas was right, though. I'm really lucky to have someone to watch the sunset with. I don't want to take advantage of that anymore. Riku's healing, and even though he can't believe I love him sometimes, he's starting to become himself again. We've been play fighting and joking around more like we used to, and even if he's a little quiet sometimes, I know that's he's getting better day by day.

And that's all I've ever wanted.

I've got Riku, I've got the sunset, and I know that no matter where I go, as long as Riku's with me, that'll be my home.

Author's Note: This really wasn't the best thing I've ever written, but I was taking advantage of my muse's short spurge. It was kind of cheesy and silly, but eh. I had fun writing it, or at least, writing. Plus, I've always wanted to write a little bit of Soriku.

If you Review, you'll get an imaginary muffin, with a free imaginary-muffin cage as an added bonus!