Phonecall
"Hi, Robbie, what's up? Henry here… Yes, Henry Welles, my friend… Right, listen here, Rob, I'm in a serious predicament… whaddya laughing at? Hah, my choise of words, yeah… 'Predicament'… Well, I'll put it another way, Robbie-boy, I'm in serious shit and ear-deep at that! Do you now get me? Have I your attention now? Thank you! Listen, then: did you golden boys know Ecuador would nationalize the silver-mines? Yes, Ecuador, the South American country, the one crossed by the equator, hence its name… are you bullshitting me, Rob? I'm talking about my silver-mine stocks, the ones the other golden boy, your associate… yes, Hector, that one… the ones he talked me into buying… 'When was that?'? Excuse me, do you keep on pulling my leg? No, you listen, you are the ones I trusted my money with, you keep dates, numbers et cetera. I only know what I read in the papers, that the Ecuadorian silver-mines are being nationalized, liquidized, the hell I know, I said, you're the specialists… specialists, my arse! No, I won't cool down... what the hell am I doing talking to you, get me Hector, I've been trying all morning to reach him and 'he's not available at the moment' his secretary told me ten times. Is he hiding, then? What? 'The day off for his wife's birthday'? Now I know for sure I'm toyed with! I lost two hundred thou quid in, what, ten hours and he's on leave? I wish I was there, you rumscullions, I'd thrash you… Where am I? None of your business, but I'm friggin' stuck in a traffic jam. Yes, some busybody mayor re-piping the city. God, when I'm in a hurry… 'Calm down'? I won't calm down, I'm waiting for you to tell me 'you got securities, equities or what on earth you call them, on your investment, Henry'… If you so much as pronounce the words 'calm down, Henry', I will… hold on a moment… Hey, will you be quiet, I can't hear myself talking! Wha'? Never mind, some girl shouting beside my ear. Hey, she must be mad or something, she climbed, get this, on top of her car and she's shouting a name… 'Luce' or something… How should I know, lots of lunatics around, one of them could be called 'Luce'… hey, don't you change the subject! As I was saying, I'm expecting you to… oh, no, she's started again! Oh, come on, somebody please fetch this Luce person… No, I'm telling you, it's a madhouse round here, the crane has choked us with its fumes… no, my windows are down. Oh, must you know? Right, my air-condition is broken, plus, mind you, always use a mobile phone with your head protruding through the window a bit. Yes, doctor's advice. What else… yes, this courier bicyclist almost scratched my mirror… the fool, riding against the traffic… yes, if the traffic had been moving, I stand corrected… hey, Robbie-boy for the past five minutes you're trying to sidetrack me! It won't work, you know, and, for the third time… yes, I'm counting, dammit, for the third time, I'm expecting to hear from you… no… she can't have said that! Wha'? I'm talking about the lass on the car-roof. She's just shouted… no, she can't have… well, if you must have it, she shouted 'you're a wanker, Number Nine'. How in Heaven could I know who 'Number Nine' is? All right, now I see it, God is having a laugh, people around me, perhaps me included, have gone crazy… for Pete's sake, what… what is happening? Rob… I'll have you know, we're the last two sane persons left in the world… and I doubt if I still am. Rob... there's another woman just got out of a taxi and climbed on a flatbed lorry… No, I'm trying to hold on to my sanity, but this is what I'm watching right now, a flame-haired woman is standing on a… oh... oh, so this is Luce! Haha, that's crazy, my lad, that's just… wait! No, come on, these things don't just happen, they must be a shooting a film, that should explain everything… She can do… what? The shouting brunette, she just said… 'she can do… this'… 'this' being… what? Look, she's said it again. I don't get it… Rob... I... I think we lost the thread of our conversation too many times on account of those crazy dames. Stuck as I am in this jam, I'm ready to calm down... yes, like you said, calm down and discuss my… predicament… there they go again! Right, my fault, it's my fault, excuse me, yes, but these ladies have started another… commotion… they're running towards one another. OK, mystery solved, it's got to be a film-shoot… though cameras are nowhere to be seen… all right, whatever, when she returns I'll ask her name… and an autograph… she looks American, now that I think of it… Hey, you don't suppose the traffic-jam was… a set? Oh, I'll sue them, even if they have a permit… Rob! Rob… you there? Rob… the girls… have just… kissed! No, they've actually kissed… In their mouth, of course, you silly! I wonder, do actresses charge more to play gay roles… Just wondering, you jackass, I'm not interested! And everyone's watching. Funny though, no cameras, no staff around. You don't suppose… no… no, it can't be… Rob! Rob, you there? Rob, this is no film! Rob, they're done kissing and now they're walking toward the brunette's car… coming my way! Oh, Rob, if only you were here… What? Oh, forget about the stocks, what I'm seeing is… is… gorgeousness! No, I'm not experienced in… this, but, they're such a lovely sight! No, Rob, both of them are all woman, not the… female trucker kind! Yes, I, too, had some other notion about lesbians, but, hey, every day we learn something new... Shh, they're passing me by… Well, no matter, they seem oblivious to the stares and comments from around… and why should they care, could you tell me… They got into the car… Wow, their… family is inside, now that I notice… They all seem happy… What? Rob… if I haven't told you, I'm a sentimental man. These ladies have made my day. Oh, no, we will talk about my stocks later… but not now. Now, I'll close my eyes… inhale the exhaust fumes and I'll dream of two such ladies… Yes, wise guy, 'straight' ones of course! And, listen here, Robbie, don't… don't tell Hector I got angry with him… In the end, I like him, he's always been a loveable chap. It's just… you know what, this crazy business. Oh, and be sure to convey my best to his wife on her birthday. May she live long… and may they live long… ah… happy together. Well, patch up some wish on my behalf, will ya? Thanks, Robbie-boy, be talkin' to ya, bye!"