A/N: I am AMAZED nobody has done this before. Also, just a bit of overactive muse. The newest chapters for SP and WGaHFS (Mouthful, I know) are coming soon! The first update should be done sometime this week for SP. Enjoy my insanity.

Gunfire ripped across the street, tearing apart the Advent soldiers chestplate. And his chest with it. "Tango down." Said the voice of the man pulling the trigger.

"Yes yes, you're very good at game references, now zip it and keep your eyes up, fuckwit! Finn needs a hand, he's a little pinned."

"I WOULDN'T CALL A SECTOPOD A 'LITTLE!'" Shouted a voice through the coms of our original shooter.

"I'm coming, Jesus." He said, turning and high-tailing it back to the sounds of gigantic, metal steps and laser fire.

"Hey, Ban, why don't you give this big fucker the X-com 'hello.'"

The large, exo-suited man who joined our original shooter by jumping out the window in over-dramatic badassery grinned, "Nothin'd bring me greater pleasure, sir!" He said, matching pace with the younger soldier-our shooter-and following the sounds of a war zone. Upon arriving, both were met with the unsurprising sight of a giant robot suppressing their local sniper.

"COULD USE A LITTLE HELP!" He shouted, tucked behind an incredibly sturdy wall, clutching his rifle to his chest in clear panic. The over-dramatic soldier-who was wearing all pink, mind you-raised his arm and a small portion of the gauntlet popped up. He grinned wider.

"ROCKET!" He shouted. And, indeed, a rocket blasted forth, slamming into the side of the sectopod and sending it reeling. Said giant machine turned itself to the men, it's guns warming up for another barrage that would turn them to a fine, bloody-

"ALRIGHT STUDENTS, CLASS IS IN SESSION!" And then an axe hit it in the head, and the machine sparked, twitched, and made some very disturbing noises before finally collapsing to one side and exploding. Said explosion made the axe fly up, up, up into the air before falling down, down, down to land perfectly in the orange-suited hand of its owner. "It's amazing how gunfire and relative deprivation can change your view of things." The squad chuckled-or in Finn's case, laughed-only slightly hysterically-for a second before maneuvering to meet with each other. "Well…" The axe-wielder said, looking at the series of dead Advent soldiers, trashed buildings, and dead sectopod. "That could've gone better…"

And then, because the universe is fickle that way, there was a flash of light, and a sword through his stomach.

"Alright, so let me get this straight." Three groans of varying volume followed that decently harmless statement. "Your planet got slaughtered and conquested by an alien race called the 'advent.'"

"Yeah…" The only female said, drawing out the sound, almost bored with that horrifying concept.

"And your only anti-alien force was pulverized."

"Unfortunately…" The younger male voice said.

"So you decided to find an old friend of that guy's-"

"Call me-"

"Ap bap bap! Not finished. Who was a tactical genius that you all-including the guy who called him a friend-only knew as 'the commander.' Except, your little buddy didn't make it through the simulations that were running through his mind at a million miles a second. So, instead, you found me."

"That's the gist of it, yes." The oldest voice grumbled, sounding annoyed at being cut off.

"So, basically, you want me to run your little operation like some kind of Rebel Mafia boss?"

"Oh for the love of-yeah, sure, whatever!" The female cut in again.

"Now I'm not saying I won't do it-hell, where do I sign-but I gotta ask...whereabouts did you think this was a good idea? I mean, I can understand logistics, the base building, even the medical stuff. But combat? I've never run a combat simulation in my life, much less been in a real one!"

"You speak rather humanely for an AI."

"Hey, fuck you bud, I'm not an AI!" That brought a sudden, tense silence.

"You...Aren't?"

"Hell No! I'm a mutha'fuckin ghost."

"...Bullshit, Alpha."

"My name is Church!"