Ask The Marauders, Chapter one.
Author's Notes;
From Prongs: Oi, mates. This is our new fanfic, savvy? You're going to review, you know. Otherwise I'll be forced to sick Padfoot on you. It would not be a pretty sight. Remember, if you have anything to ask the marauders, slip it into your review, or send an owl. Also, Moony recently acquired this handy muggle contraption called a 'computer', as odd as it is, and you can e-mail any suggestions too.
From Padfoot: Oi Padfoot 'ere. Best of the marauders by far! The viscous attack dog that will come after you if you don't review; so review!!!
From Moony: How did I get to be friends with these two?
From Wormtail: ZzzzzZZZzzZzZZzzzZzzzzzzz…….
Ask The Marauders, Chapter one.
Dear Moony,
I was just finishing a book from the restricted section of the library, when I got a call on my long-distance-mirror. It was this bloody ugly little girl, and she was whispering something. Sixteen years…..preciousssssss Really, it's like she's predicting my death. I told her to bugger off, because I was reading, but she kept muttering. Sixteen yearssss! I think I'm being stalked. Can you hire someone to 'take care' of this chick for me?
Padfoot
Dear Padfoot,
I'll see if I can contact someone, since you're a dear friend, but I suggest you get rid of the mirror first. Or get a different name, flee the country, and obtain a totally different appearance. Good luck!
Moony
Dear Prongs,
I have my foot stuck in one of those spinning chairs. I'm starting to get motion sickness. What should I do??
Stuck in a chair
Dear Stuck in a chair,
It happens to the best of us. Trust me, I have experience (pointed glance at Padfoot). My suggestion; start hacking away at the chair with your teeth like some demented beaver. You should be free in a year or two…
Prongs
Dear Wormtail,
I'm in a bit of a twist. I can't decide if I want to join the death eaters. What is your opinion? Yes or no?
Homicidal Maniac
Dear Homicidal Maniac,
Yes! Of course! (Sees Prongs and Padfoot watching him) Ermm…I mean, No! You stupid git! Don't write me again!
Wormtail
Dear Sirius,
Can you help us get this huge black dog out of the seventh year girls dorms? I feel like we're being watched.
Potentially Traumatized
Dear Potentially Traumatized,
What? Is there something WRONG with the dog? He's cute, isn't he? He just wants some attention…and one of those chocolate frogs would be nice.
Padfoot
Dear Moony,
You have to help me! Someone released a niffler in our dorm! It's out to get my shines!
Hoarding Metallic Objects (Padfoot)
Dear Hoarding Metallic Objects,
Now why would anyone do that? I have no idea who let it loose, but I strongly suspect Snivellus. (nudge nudge wink wink) Now you probably need help getting rid of it, don't you? I'll be right there. You're pathetic. Get a new hobby.
Moony
Dear Wormtail,
My friend has a severe obsession with zebra legs. I remembered that you have some mental issues of your own, and thought that maybe you could point out a good therapist for her.
About to be injured by a zebra leg
Dear About to be injured by a zebra leg,
Well…Sirius is becoming a shrink, but first he has to get something called a 'seal of approval'! Anyway, Doctor Phil is this great muggle shrink that I find extremely useful. I owe everything to him.
Wormtail
Dear Prongs,
I am a victim of 3:00 am hysterics. Except that it is only 1:00 am. Could you possibly supply me with a straight jacket?
Helpless victim
Dear Helpless victim,
I'll have to dig it out of my stash of belongings. I usually reserve it for Sirius, but for you, yes. I'll help. Do not kill yourself until I am there.
Prongs
Dear Padfoot,
I've been spotting all these coconuts around England. Why?
coconut crazed fiend
Dear coconut crazed fiend,
What? You've never heard of migratory coconuts? How dim can you get?
Padfoot
Dear Prongs,
I am leaving, and you cannot come with me, for you do not speak French!
Je suis noir chien
Dear Padfoot,
Have you been watching veggie tails again?
Prongs
Dear Moony,
I am a werewolf. People are starting to figure it out. Even my friends are scared of me, I need help.
Unhappy Werewolf
Dear Unhappy Werewolf,
What do I look like? Some sort of werewolf shrink? Go bite someone and get on with your life.
Moony
Dear Moony,
You are no help at all. I think I may just bite you. Watch your back.
Now determined werewolf
Dear Padfoot,
I've been around the Hogwarts grounds and keep seeing a deer/buck, and a very cute dog with a rat riding on its back. It's very unusual. Do you know what it means?
Superstitious
Dear Superstitious,
Don't move. I'll be right there for your support….with a memory charm.
Padfoot
Dear Prongs,
The other day I woke up, and saw my new plastic garden flamingo looming over me. He blinked. He also had mysteriously grown eyebrows whilst I was asleep. Should I shave them off?
To shave or not to shave
Dear to shave or not to shave,
What do you have against eyebrows? Can I shave off your eyebrows?
Prongs
Dear Moony,
Can I borrow some of your silver spray paint?
Padfoot
Dear Padfoot,
Why do you want it? And why couldn't you take three steps over, from the couch, and ask me? I have metallic silver spray paint. Will that work? It is in the secret compartment of my suitcase.
Moony
Dear Moony,
Since when do you have a suitcase? Why is Sirius tearing our dorm apart? Why did Sirius just throw my pet spider out the window? Is Sirius fibbing? Why….
Prongs
Dear Prongs,
I do now, but Sirius will have to find it. Spider? He threw Webbie out the window? I'm sorry. We'll have to have a funeral….
Moony
P.S Why do you doubt my word? I never lie (innocent face).
Dear Moony,
Thanks to you, my hair is now a smashing silver. I just wrote to warn you before I come down and blind you with its brilliance.
Shiny addict (Padfoot)
Dear Shiny Addict,
Thanks for that heads up. Did you spike your hair? And just wondering, how long did it take you, and where did you find my suitcase? I'll have to hide it again.
Moony
Dear Potter,
For the last time, I will not go out with you! Not even for a Cell Phone!
Lily
Dearest Lily flower,
What about for a refrigerator for some extra mashed potatoes? Or a nose ring for your poodle? Or….Bungee! Bungee! Bungee Bungee Bungee! Here we go Bungee! Come on!
Future Husband
Dear Wormtail,
My friend has stolen my shoe and is now beating my other friend with it. I want my shoe back, and unharmed. To which of the Marauders should I voice my problem?
Scarred for life
Dear Scarred for Life,
I am usually the victim of the shoe-beating, so I would ask someone else. James, perhaps? It's usually his shoe that Padfoot steals.
Wormtail
Dear Padfoot,
I found a nickel! Do you want it?
Nickel thief
Dear Nickel thief,
I would like the nickel. What I would love even more is a hundred dollars! How 'bout that? By the way….where did you get a nickel at Hogwarts? It's muggle money.
Padfoot
Dear Padfoot,
I am called the nickel thief for a reason.
Confession of a Nickel thief
Dear Moony,
It's…..weird. The other day, this old man gave me a ring. Well, I accidentally dropped it in the fire, and this weird language appeared on it. What should I do?
Freaked out
Dear Freaked out,
I suggest you sell the ring on EBay. It's a very reliable internet site that Muggles use. Or you could give it to a boyfriend or girlfriend…Or to Sirius. I'd go with Ebay.
Moony