He hadn't realized how much he'd come to need her until he was standing across from her fighting back tears.
Barba sits in his office, sipping scotch, replaying it in his head over and over.
Every feeling he'd been suppressing for her had swept over him at once when he'd realized she was seeing Tucker. He was furious, of course, but there was no hiding his jealousy. He's embarrassed by his reaction. Now she knew how he felt- when he'd barely admitted it to himself.
It was Yelina all over again, minus the heartbreak that it was his best friend doing this to him. At least he hated Tucker.
He hadn't wanted to complicate things. But had he really expected that they'd just go on like this forever? Bickering over cases, late night dinner and drinks. Trying for something more meant risking losing her. But now he'd lost her anyway.
He'll give himself tonight to wallow in self-pity and then he'll stuff his feelings for her back into a box and go back to what he did best- work.
He decides he'll go in to her office in the morning and apologize for his outrageous display of jealousy. He'd explain that he realized anything beyond a professional relationship was out of the question. He'd still be livid that she hadn't disclosed- and he'd tell her that. It was conflict of interest on a massive scale. On that count, he'd been right. But hopefully they'd at least be able to push past and work together professionally. While deep down, he'd silently hope that the Monsignor was right- that Tucker was involved in this.
If she didn't think they could- he'd offer to transfer from SVU. As important as helping victims had become to him- he knew it was more important to her. In the right or not- he wasn't about to take that from her. A transfer might do him good anyway after all the heat he'd recently taken from the higher ups.
When he gets to the precinct and finds Dodds in Liv's office he panics. Carisi informs him that she's been transferred and his brain shuts down. Without a thought he heads for her place.
Tucker answers the door looking more agitated than ever. "You shouldn't be here, Counselor." He starts to close the door but Barba puts his foot in it- looking around Tucker to Liv, who's sitting on the couch with Noah.
"Liv, please?" He pleads.
She attempts to ignore him but Tucker lets Barba in. Barba steps just inside the door- keeping his distance. Tucker walks over to pick up Noah and whispers, " You should talk to him. Why don't you meet Noah and I at the park after."
Tucker couldn't stand the sight of Rafael Barba right now after what he'd done but Olivia had been in her own world all morning. He knows her mind's been on the ADA- whether or not he betrayed her. Tucker knows once she and Barba have talked- she'll know for sure it was him. It'll hurt her but she'll be able to move past it. She'll finally be done with Barba for good- and they'll be able to carry on with their life together. It's his best chance.
Tucker takes Noah and pushes past Barba out the door. Olivia clearly angry at them both- Tucker for letting him in- Barba for everything she can think of.
Barba steps a bit more into the apartment- completely at a loss for words. He decides to start with what brought him here, "What happened?"
Olivia's simmering anger boils over, "What happened? What did you think would happen when you turned us in?!"
The possibility she'd think that hadn't occurred to Barba- he feels his heart drop into his stomach. He's terrified- he didn't think this could possibly get worse. "Liv, you can't possibly think-"
The hurt in her voice is far more heartbreaking than the anger, "You're the only one who knew! I honestly thought I knew you better." He takes a couple steps towards her- feeling the desperate need to comfort her but he's stopped dead by her next words. "Then again you always did have a vengeful streak when someone else got what you wanted."
She might as well have punched him. He feels all the air go out of his lungs. His face tightens like it does when he's fighting tears.
His next words are strained in an attempt to hold back his emotions, "I'm not sure what I came here to say." He really doesn't. His plan had been to reestablish a working relationship. They don't work together now. The thought is agonizing.
She stares back- angry, expectant while he searches for words.
"I can't blindly trust you about Tucker. But I swear to God I'll do everything I can to get the right guys in all this. And I honestly hope that you're right about him- for you and Noah's sake." He honestly did. Last night he'd hoped the suspicions about Tucker were right but now, standing here, he realizes fully that there is no salvaging what he had with Olivia. And if Tucker makes her happy- he desperately hopes he doesn't have to take that away.
Olivia stares back, cold, "Whatever lets you sleep at night." She needs him out of here. Her guilt over the Yelina comment is becoming overwhelming. And looking at him now, she can't possibly imagine that he's the one that turned them in. But that just makes it worse. The past days have dredged up how she feels about this man- and to know for sure that he feels the same way is just painful right now. She's so confused and now isn't the time to be figuring anything out.
She'd restricted herself from wanting something more with him. She didn't want to lose him- and she lost everyone. Eventually, everyone leaves her. All that said, if he'd made a move- she wouldn't have been able to stop herself. But he hadn't. She'd assumed she was misreading the signals.
Ed had made a move though. He'd made his interest clear. She'd enjoyed it- it made her feel wanted. After all that had happened this year- she needed that. And with Ed- it was easier- if things went south, she wasn't losing her best friend. It had been going well- still was- in fact, right now, it was the only thing that was. Barba was right- she should have disclosed. She knew better. But disclosing made it so official- so final. She wasn't ready.
Barba stands for a moment racking his brain for anything that will take away her pain. Eventually, he surrenders. Without another word, he turns and walks out.
Olivia immediately collapses onto the couch in tears.