I have yet to decide if this is finished or not. To continue or not to continue, that is the question.

X

It was pretty normal for Stan to be sitting in a bar alone on a Saturday night, nursing a beer and hoping someone, anyone would talk to him. He was a bit of a loner by nature, but it wasn't like he was antisocial. He just had a hard time connecting to people.

Though he loved Fort Collins with all of his heart, he'd had an extremely difficult time making friends in the year in which he'd been living there. He was seven years older than most of the kids in his classes at CSU, which made relating to them impossible at times. And though he'd hoped living with roommates might give him a leg up in the Fort Collins social scene, it hadn't quite worked that way. The roommates he'd ended up with were smelly, dirty hippies, and though Stan was inclined to enjoy the more natural things in life, he wasn't the kind of person to forego basic hygiene to prove a point. So that was a bust. Moving to Fort Collins seemed like the worst mistake he'd ever made.

So he sat at the bar alone, drinking his beer and awkwardly glancing around at people. No one seemed very interesting, and no one seemed very interested in him, either. He was beginning to think about closing out his tab when someone plopped onto the empty barstool next to him. He looked up to see a small guy with bright red hair, who smiled when they made eye contact.

"It's a shame that Fort Collins doesn't have a gay bar, isn't it?" the guy said.

"Um," Stan replied intelligently.

"I mean, there is that one lesbian bar, but, you know."

"Wh- I mean…."

"You are gay, aren't you?"

"Well…. What makes you say that?" Stan asked.

The guy shrugged. "Gaydar?" he said, flashing a grin, "No, not to sound like a creeper, but I've been sitting here watching you watch other people… you only seem to look at men, though, so either you're gay, or you're sizing them up for a fight. …In which case I suppose me coming and talking to you might be a serious misstep."

Stan laughed and shook his head. "No, you were right the first time. Are you here by yourself, too?"

"Well, sort of. I came out with a friend of mine, but he ditched me for some girl, ugh. Who does that to someone on their birthday?"

"It's your birthday?"

"Yeah. Want to buy me a drink?" he asked with a hopeful smile.

Stan obliged.

An hour later and they were both fairly trashed, and hanging on each other in a slightly more than platonic manner. Stan liked his new drinking companion quite a bit. He was obviously intelligent, and he was damn funny, too. Not to mention pretty fucking cute. The red head smiled as Stan leaned in to kiss him, but pushed him back gently.

"We shouldn't do that here. Fort Collins might be pretty liberal, but you never know who's watching."

"I really want to kiss you, though," Stan said honestly. If he was sober, he never would have been so direct.

"Want to go back to my place?" the redhead asked, laying his hand on Stan's arm.

"I don't think either of us is ok to drive right now," Stan said, disappointed.

"Oh, no worries. I live close enough to walk."

"Ok then," Stan said amiably. He hadn't gotten laid since he'd move to Fort Collins, and knew all too well what it was like to be alone on your birthday.

They stumbled back to one of the small old houses on Matthews street, and didn't waste any time once the door closed behind them. Stan was led toward a bedroom, but he barely paid any attention to his surroundings. He was too busy kissing and pawing at the other man, who seemed just as enthused as he was about the whole affair. When they reached the bed the redhead pushed him flat on his back and climbed up to straddle him. The redhead was eager, but not so hasty that he forewent the finer points of foreplay. Soon Stan found himself naked and writhing under the other man's expert touch.

Stan had never believed that hair color was really any indicator of someone's personality, but the redhead was definitely as wild in bed as the stereotypes suggested. They went at it twice; the first time was quick and dirty, and the second time was gentler, but more intense. The redhead came before him, but still rode Stan slowly and with practiced ease, seemingly still enjoying himself even though his objective had already been met. Stan trembled as his second orgasm of the night ripped through him, blinded by pleasure so intense that his entire back arched off the mattress even with the weight of the other man on top of him. They kissed slowly as they caught their breath, and the redhead collapsed onto the mattress beside him, close enough that Stan could feel the heat of his skin, but not quite touching. He couldn't remember having ever been so satisfied after sex.

He dozed afterward, his face buried in a pillow that smelled faintly like sweat and cigarettes, but before he got a chance to get too comfortable, the redhead poked him in the stomach.

"You need to leave," he said, frowning slightly.

"What?" Stan asked groggily. He'd kind of hoped that if he stayed, maybe they'd fuck again in the morning.

"Um, yeah, remember when I said my friend ditched me at the bar? It was actually my boyfriend. And I don't know when he'll be home, so you should go."

"Jesus," Stan said, getting out of the bed and collecting his clothes, "So wait, your boyfriend ditched you on your birthday to go fuck a girl?"

"Yeah. I mean, he's bisexual, but… yeah. Sucks, doesn't it?"

"And so what? I'm just some cheap revenge?"

"Well, you're really cute, and you seem like a nice guy. And you're a fantastic lay, but yeah, I guess the revenge thing was kind of my motivation. Sorry."

Stan flushed in anger, and he was not even remotely mollified by the complements. He didn't like being used, even if it had been the best sex he'd ever had. After pulling on his clothes, he headed out of the room toward the front door, with the redhead right on his heels, still stark naked.

"Why don't you just break up with him if he treats you that way?" he asked, his hand poised over the doorknob.

"It's complicated. It's just, you know, we've known each other a long time, and we're so… established. Breaking up with him would be inconvenient."

Stan sighed at him in exasperation. He simply shrugged back.

"It's not perfect, but whatever. Life isn't perfect," he said.

He pushed Stan aside and opened the door, kissing Stan on the lips before nudging him outside.

"I really am sorry, though. You're a great guy and all, but…" He made a vague gesture, and then shut the door in Stan's face.

As Stan slinked off dejectedly toward his car, he realized he never even knew the guy's name.

X

The rest of the summer went by exactly as Stan feared it would. No friends, no social life; just a shitty retail job and hours and hours of solitude. He tried as hard as he could to occupy himself with things he enjoyed, but he was tired of doing things alone. He hiked at Horsetooth, and sometimes in Rocky Mountain National Park alone. He rode Tour de Fat alone. He went to New West Fest alone. And he continued to frequent the bars alone, hoping deep down that he might run into the redhead again. He didn't.

So it was with a great deal of disappointment that he started the Fall semester at CSU.

Every year is the same. It's so fucking boring, he thought, and he had no hope that the upcoming year would bring any changes.

When he walked into his biology lab and saw their TA, he realized he was wrong; the semester would definitely not be boring. There was the redhead, standing at the front of the room writing notes on the whiteboard. Stan stopped in his tracks and stared at him, not believing his eyes. Someone trying to enter the classroom behind him brushed past Stan, and when he moved to make room, he drew the redhead's attention. His lips parted in surprise, and he blushed, but he gave no other indication that he knew Stan.

Stan took a seat without saying a word.

The redhead introduced himself to the class as Kyle (and Stan thought it was nice to finally have his name, since calling him "the redhead" was pretty annoying), and informed them that he was a grad student in Biomedical Sciences. Well, good for him. It made Stan feel like shit for still being an undergrad, but life had dealt him certain cards, and he'd had to play them the best he could. And anyway, since Kyle was his TA at least he'd get to see him on a regular basis, and maybe worm his way back into his bed.

They did the usual first day of class song and dance, reading the syllabus, going over the lab manual and all that boring bullshit. Stan couldn't help but notice that Kyle didn't even look in his direction during the entire period. When class was dismissed, Stan saw his chance. He waited until everyone else left the room, and then he approached Kyle, who was cleaning off the whiteboard.

"No," he said, before Stan said anything. He was staring at the whiteboard, even though it was spotless at that point.

"No what?"

"No, we are not discussing this. I'm your TA. You're my student. That's it."

"Well, this is going to be a really awkward semester if we don't at least address it. Pretending it didn't happen isn't going to do either of us any good."

Kyle finally turned and looked at Stan. He sighed loudly.

"Ok. Fine. Um, I'm sorry I used you for sex. I know I've created this awkward situation, and I apologize for that. But this is so… I could get fired, you know."

"Why? You weren't my teacher then."

"Well no… actually I don't know if they could fire me for that. But I need you to keep what happened to yourself. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't think about my mouth on your cock while I'm teaching."

Stan laughed and shook his head.

"I didn't, but now that you've planted that thought in my head…"

"Ugh, ok," Kyle said, gathering up his things, "The next class is going to come in soon, and I can't be caught having this conversation. So, ok, this is me acknowledging this. Let's move on."

And they did. Mostly.

X

Thanksgiving break came much faster than Stan expected. Despite having another boring-as-fuck semester, with few moments of happiness (most of which involved Kyle accidentally brushing against him as he went around the classroom to answer questions), the time was flying by. He appreciated that, despite the fact that he felt like he was wasting most of his life wallowing in misery.

He didn't expect Thanksgiving break to be a relief from his lonely, mediocre life. His parents were going on vacation, and his sister was too caught up with her own little family to spend time with him. He'd never spent any holidays completely on his own, and he was more depressed about it than he had expected. After all, he was used to being alone all the time, so why should the holidays be any different? But deep down, it really got to him. He needed a distraction.

His favorite thing about Fort Collins was the Christmas lights they put on the trees in Old Town around the holidays. The first time he saw them he was turning onto College, and it was like a brilliant explosion of stars. The sight took his breath away, and no matter how many times he saw them he still felt completely awestruck that something as simple as Christmas lights could turn the sad, naked trees into a thing of beauty. So the day after Thanksgiving he decided to stroll around Old Town, even though he felt kind of stupid wandering around aimlessly by himself. The weather was warmer than usual, and it ended up being crowded with groups of people, and it seemed to Stan that every single person he saw was having a better time than he was.

Dejected, he sat alone on a bench and fretted about seeming like one of those creepy old guys he'd sometimes see hanging around watching all the college girls hobble around in their high heels. He didn't have to worry about it for very long though, because suddenly someone was plopping down next to him on the bench.

"Fancy meeting you here," Kyle said, looking cheerful and probably a little drunk.

"Oh. Hey. Are we allowed to socialize outside of class?" Stan asked him, unamused, but glad to have company at least.

Kyle shrugged. "Who cares? We're on break."

"You're drunk," Stan said.

"No I'm not!" Kyle said and then realized how loud he had said it. "Well ok, maybe a little. You here alone?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah."

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a moment, but though he was staring at his shoes, Stan could feel Kyle beaming at him.

"What?" he asked, annoyed.

"Oh, nothing I guess. I'm just glad I ran into you. Break's been really boring."

"Have you spent time with your family at all?"

"Nah," Kyle said, suddenly looking a lot less cheerful, "They all live back east. And I couldn't afford to fly home, so I'm here by myself. Guess you are, too?"

"Yeah. It sucks but… well…. What about your boyfriend?"

"Oh, we broke up!" Kyle said, looking chipper again. "He found out I cheated on him, so he packed his bags and fucked off. Good riddance."

"You aren't sad about it?"

"Fuck no. I mean, this was months ago, and I wanted to break up with him for a while anyway, but I guess I was ok with the status quo. Sometimes it's just easier to go along with things, even though they kind of suck. Don't you ever feel that way?"

Stan laughed. "Yeah, about my entire life, basically.

Kyle smiled at him, and touched his thigh. "Well," he said.

He wasn't sure why, but he accepted Kyle's invitation back to his place. Well, he knew why, but he didn't think it was a good idea. Kyle was on him the second he shut the door.

"Hang on," he said.

"Mph," Kyle replied, his mouth glued to Stan's neck.

"All that hullabaloo about you being my teacher and all that, and you want to mess around even though the semester isn't over?"

"We're on break, Stan, who cares?"

"Uh, you seemed to at the beginning of the semester."

"Can you keep a secret?" Kyle asked, looking at him seriously.

"Yeah."

"Well so can I," he said with a smirk.

It was different this time. Stan figured it was because they'd gotten to know each other more over the semester, or maybe it was just the sense of caution that went with sleeping with someone you weren't supposed to, but it was definitely a change from the hot drunken fuck they'd shared over the summer. Stan was hesitant to be too rough with someone who was going to grade his final later on, and Kyle seemed too nervous to be as vocal as before, so they ended up having slow, quiet sex until the end when all their pent-up energy seemed to explode all at once, and they went at it with wild abandon.

He was afraid that Kyle would throw him out again when they were done, but instead he curled up next to him, running a hand across his sweaty chest before kissing his shoulder.

"I don't get it," Stan said when he finally wound down enough.

"Get what?" Kyle asked, sounding sleepy.

"You. Me. Whatever's going on here."

Kyle watched him for a moment, looking disappointed.

"You don't like me," he said.

"What? No, I like you a lot. I just…. You've been so distant and cautious all semester, and now this. I'm not complaining, I'm just confused."

"Well, I'm lonely, Stan."

"Oh. So what, I'm just filler? Like a placeholder until you meet someone new?"

"What? Fuck you, no. I thought about you all summer. I felt awful for what I did, because you know… we just sort of clicked that first night, and I've never really had that with anyone. But I was too ashamed to try and find you at the bars or whatever, so I just kept to myself. When my boyfriend left he sort of took all our friends with him, so I haven't really had anyone to even talk to since the semester started. And, you know, now that I actually know you, like, as a person…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Um. Nevermind."

Stan sighed. "Well what about school?"

"Well obviously we can't be doing this while classes are in, but we have two more days of break before that, and the semester is almost over… so."

"So?"

"Well I mean, if you want to… you know… be together, or whatever. Afterward, I mean."

He did.

X

Finals week was upon him, and so was all the stress that came with it, weighing him down until he was too exhausted to even think straight. He thought it was kind of funny that his biology class was the one he was most worried about. He hadn't spoken privately to Kyle since the end of Thanksgiving break, though they had smiled knowingly at each other in class. He figured going to the late night study session Kyle had set up in a spare classroom was a good of an excuse as any to spend time with him, even if there were other students around.

And there were, much to Stan's consternation. Despite the study sessions for other classes being sparsely populated for the most part, Kyle's seemed to be the place to be at 9pm on a Monday night. Go figure.

Still, he found that studying with his classmates was helpful (and confidence-boosting, since so many of them didn't seem to know a damn thing about biology after an entire semester), and it certainly didn't hurt that he kept catching Kyle looking at him. By the end of the evening he was feeling more optimistic about the final, and pretty happy with the evening in general. He and Kyle smiled at each other as the last student left the room, and when Kyle smirked and asked for help carrying his things back to his office, Stan had no reason not to agree.

In the end they didn't even make it that far. Stan stumbled as Kyle pushed him into an alley behind one of the buildings, and was surprised at how fast Kyle came at him.

"This is a really stupid place to do this," he said as Kyle pushed his hand down the front of his pants. The soft kisses he was placing along Stan's jaw belied the impatience the movement of his hands suggested.

"Just consider it extra tutoring in biology," he said, gripping the back of Stan's head with his free hand.

"Well I'm definitely not going to fuck you if you insist on making lame jokes," he said, but he was reaching for Kyle's belt anyway.

Stan had never been interested in public sex: the thought of it scared him so much that it was a bit of a turn-off. And yet Kyle's enthusiasm made up for that fact, and Stan took him in short, sharp thrusts until Kyle was spilling his seed all over the side of Military Sciences building. Stan came quickly after that, and the paranoia set in almost immediately.

"Do you think there's security cameras around?" he asked, zipping up his pants and still trying to catch his breath.

Kyle shrugged apparently unconcerned, and they made themselves presentable before continuing on their way.

"So," Stan said as they entered Kyle's office. Stan was surprised that it was nothing more than a ramen-scented breakroom with a tiny table and not much else. "I couldn't help but notice that the semester still isn't over yet," he continued.

"Close enough," Kyle said with a shrug.

"Doesn't that violate some kind of…. ethical…. something?"

Kyle looked at him amused, fond.

"You need to go home, I think," he said, "but if it quells your moral dilemma, none of this has any effect on your grade. Although I might have failed you if you didn't make me come."

"I can do it again if it'll boost my chances of an A."

Kyle smiled, and reached over to grab at Stan's crotch, giving it a squeeze before letting him go.

"Nope," Kyle said before kissing him chastely on the lips, and shoving him out the door.

"Good luck on your final!" he shouted, as Stan walked down the hall, smiling to himself.