Watching The Golden Girls and thought up this little exchange. M.D. Owen came up with some of the gags. Must give credit.
A Rose by Any Other Name…
"Hello, Mikey's house of fun," Mikey sighed into the phone. It was anything but a house of fun today. Leo held a mop and pointed at a dust bunny that Raph missed during his general sweep of the kitchen. Raph didn't appreciate the critique and used the broom handle as a bo, whacking Leo in the face.
"Now, you can clean up my nose blood," Leo said, pinching his nose and strutting off to the bathroom.
An old lady's voice said on the other end of the line, "I'm Rose Nylund and I'm trying to find a pizza."
"You're calling the right place," Mikey said as he flung a nunchuck in the air, watched it windmill like an airplane propeller and caught it in his hand again. "We have pizza coming out of our asses here."
"Well, I don't want it out of anybody's ass," the old lady said as if pizzas came out of asses on a regular basis. "Out of a regular pizza oven would be fine, although I don't know how things work in New York and I don't want to put anybody out. I want to order a New York pizza."
Mikey sat down and ignored Leo's tyrannical demands to dust the computer. "We aren't a delivery place. I wish we were. We could make some money then. I make bitchin' pizza. But I'm a ninja and we're supposed to be secretive and so we can't be around people." He realized for a split second that he had just outted himself to a stranger, but instantly forgot.
The lady had a happy voice and he could hear the big smile on the other end. "This reminds me of when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf…"
"Where's that?" he asked.
There was silence on the other end of the phone.
"Aren't you going to tell the story?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "That's usually as far as I get."
"Where's St. Olaf?" Mikey picked up a game controller and wondered if he could hook up the Xbox and play Left4Dead 2 without Leo noticing.
"Minnesota. Where are you?"
"Um…" He wondered for a second. Maybe it was a trick. Maybe she was employed by one of their many enemies. Maybe they commissioned nice old ladies to call them on the phone and be nice to them until they gave up their location. Mikey giggled at the image of old women in foot ninja uniforms, stabbing at them with knitting needles and whacking them with walkers. "I'm in New York City."
"Oh, okay. Well, this reminds me of the story of St. Olaf's only ninja, Bruce Leebenschnitzel. He was the most respected and feared warrior in all of Minnesota except for Greta Von Snorkelbottom of St. Gustaf, but you must know that."
"He must have been a bad dude. My brother Leo is pretty epic, but nobody knows him."
"Well, Bruce was known for his deadly weapons, his spinning nunchucks of frozen herring given to him by his Master. Sensei Trout-san. Anyway, he broke the ninja code and stole from the people St. Olaf. He would sneak through the town square every day at noon…"
"Huh?" Mikey asked. "At noon? In broad daylight? I mean, I'm good… But not that good. Were there lots of shadows?"
"No," Rose said as if he were missing a really obvious point. "Nobody can see ninjas. They're invisible. It must be really hard for you to shave if you can't see yourself in the mirror. Bruce went all over St. Olaf stealing tractors and cows and sometimes even shrews."
"Aren't they hard to catch?" Mikey pictured a new ninja exercise. Snatching small rodents off the ground as they skittered around their feet. It actually sounded fun.
"Oh, yeah. They screamed and hit Bruce with their rolling pins. And the town elders were torn between punishing Bruce for stealing all the tractors and hiding them or commending him on kidnapping their wives. But then one day on the hottest day of the year, Bruce's herring melted. So the town elders decided to capture him the only way they knew how…"
"How?" Mikey asked, now totally mesmerized.
"The mayor called out 'Marco!' because nobody could see Bruce. And he called back 'Polo!' And then everybody realized that Bruce was the mayor all along. And then it made sense why he had suddenly passed a law that fish could be sworn in as deputy mayor. And so then they realized that the new tractor art sculpture exhibits were really THEIR tractors. He'd hidden them in plain view because he was the best ninja in all of St. Olaf."
Mikey scratched his head and wrinkled up his face. "So what happened to the shrews? Did anybody find them?"
"Oh, yes," she said happily. "The shrews all got jobs as models with the Arm and Hammer Baking Powder Company."
He thought about it for a minute. "That was the coolest story ever!" he gushed.
"Really? My friend Dorothy always says she wants me to pay her back for the time I just wasted that she'll never get back. Do you know any stories?"
"I know all kinds of stories! I'm a writer," Mikey said, squirming and knocking one of the couch cushions on the floor. Don sat next to him and hissed quietly as his brother wiggled, making a nest for himself. "This is a story about my brothers. About epic betrayal. My brother Leonardo Epic Hamato had just returned from his trip to South America where he stood around looking like Errol Flynn and rescuing lovely maidens from the evil clutches of guerillas…"
"You know Fay Ray would have been a lot better off if a nice ninja had rescued her. Then she wouldn't have been carried to the top of the Empire State Building like that. It must have been real lucky for your brother that he was in a banana republic."
"Haha! Yeah," Mikey laughed. "…and these girls offered him their bodies in exchange for his services. But Leo was a gentleman and refused to allow them to debase themselves in such a way, even though he's really horny."
"My friend is really horny. We should send her to South America. Maybe she would catch your brother's disease that makes him not-have sex."
"It's a disease called being a turtle."
"Maybe if Blanche were a turtle, she wouldn't be so horny. I can't imagine turtles get much play. What with how slow they move."
Mikey sat up suddenly and bumped into Don's arm, causing him to spill his coffee. "Turtles are fast! I'm the fastest guy in New York!"
"What a coincidence. Blanche is the fastest woman in Miami!" she said in astonishment. "Isn't it amazing how much we have in common? My friends are from New York and I told them I would buy them a New York style pizza. So I thought I would order one and have it delivered to our house."
"Huh…" Mikey thought for a second. He lay on his stomach and put his feet in Don's lap. "Aren't you in Miami?"
"Well, it says in the book that they deliver anywhere."
"Really? You should call them and demand that they deliver or else you're going to… I don't know… make a voodoo doll out of pepperoni and torture them with itchy scalp."
"Oh, I can't do that," she said. "That reminds me of something that happened once in St. Olaf. You see, the St. Olaf Wooden Shoe and Voodoo Spell commission issued a decree that anyone who could… Oh, you were telling a story. Go on…"
"Okay. Well my brother Leo got back from South America and after we got rid of the fleas and lice and worms he had… and he had lots of parasites. It was disgusting. We had to practically boil him in gasoline. He smelled like a gas station. Anyway, Leo gets back home and my other brother Raph was going around in this metal suit as a vigilante. He's really tough and brave and he kind of looks like Swiss cheese from all the bullet wounds."
"He's yellow?" she asked.
"No, he's green. He's just got all kinds of holes in him now. And they got into this big fight and Raph broke Leo's katanas and then… well, lots of bad stuff happened. But Leo's okay now. We saved him because I'm awesome."
"You're awesome and your brother is epic. I wish I had awesome and epic brothers. Mine were short and allergic to wool, which was unfortunate since cotton was banned in St. Olaf. I'm sorry that Leo and Raph didn't get along for a while. You must be happy that they're friends now."
"Yes, it's really cool to have them both home and back to normal."
Raph pounded on the bathroom door and then turned the knob when he wasn't instantly answered. Leo sat on the toilet and Raph walked straight into the room without any explanation and shut the door. That's how you know you're family, Mikey thought. You have all your most important conferences while someone is sitting on the toilet.
"Do you have any brothers?" Mikey asked. He needed to get this lady's phone number and make Raph talk to her. That would be priceless.
"Oh, I have three brothers and five sisters. There were nine of us back on the farm. My sisters are Holly, Lily, Violet, Fern and Ivy. My brothers are Carnation, Snapdragon and Baby's Breath. What's your name?"
"Oh, I'm Michelangelo. Can I be your grandson?"
She heartily said, "Sure! I don't have a Michelangelo. I'll knit you a sweat for Christmas. What size are you?"
Mikey fidgeted and looked down at his green three fingered hands. "Actually, I'm a mutant. I'm a sixteen year old mutant. So a sweater would have to be really weird."
"So…" she said slowly. "You're a teenage mutant ninja turtle?"
Mikey's eyes bulged and he quickly looked around the room at his brothers. Don idly pulled wires out of an old radio and Raph and Leo muttered to each other in the john. "Yeah, that's right."
"I have to ask a question because I would be stupid if I didn't," she said. Mikey groaned inwardly. He knew it was too good to be true. Even nice old ladies were freaked out by them on the phone. They didn't have to see them. "So do you and your brothers live in a giant aquarium like they have at the dentist's office? And can you stick you head and arms up in your shell? Where do you buy clothes? I don't recall ever seeing a Turtle section at Neiman Marcus."
Mikey smiled and sighed. "No, we don't live in an aquarium. We live… in a relatively dry place."
Don cocked his head, suddenly suspicious.
"And we're pretty normal; except for that… yeah… we don't wear clothes."
"You go around naked?" she said.
"Look, I'll call you back if you give me your number. I have to go." He glared at Don, who was holding his hand out for the phone. Mikey scribbled Rose's phone number onto the back of one of Raph's dirty magazines and said, "I really liked talking to you, Rose. Tell me some more St. Olaf stories next time."
"Oh, I will! And good luck with your brothers. They remind me of mine. I'll tell you that story some other time. I have to call a place that delivers genuine New York pizza to Miami. Goodbye."
Mikey hung up the phone and tried not to look into Don's beady and suspicious eyes.