DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE CHARACTERS OR THE APPLICATION.
A/N: I can so see Booth having this for Christine. I don't know Hodgins' new address since he gave up his fortune so I'm ignoring that he did and he's still ridiculously wealthy.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIALSTATEMENT, JOB HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.
GENERAL INFORMATION:
NAME Micheal Staccato Vincent Hodgins
DATE OF BIRTH May 19, 2011
HEIGHT 5'7
WEIGHT 145
IQ 163
GPA 4.0
SOCIAL SECURITY # 00003461
DRIVERS LICENSE # 00004231
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES Never did Boy Scouts
HOME ADDRESS 3241 Cantilever Drive
CITY/STATE Washington, DC
ZIP 20004
Do you have parents? X_Yes _No
Is one male and the other female? _X_Yes _No
If "No", explain: _
Number of years they have been married 18
If less than your age, explain
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? _Yes _X_No
B. A truck with oversized tires? _Yes _X_No
C. A waterbed? _Yes _X_No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? _Yes _X_No
E. A tattoo? _Yes _X_No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
_Yes _X_No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAYSECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
Not on time=bad
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
If I touch her in any way that she doesn't verbally consent to and keep a record of you will kill me
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
Don't touch your daughter
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend St. Christopher's
How often you attend Every Sunday (Will it win me any brownie points if I point out that I attend with you?)
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? Everyday
Mother? Everyday
Pastor? Sunday
SHORT ANSWERSECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
Head or any other fatal place but you want a specific answer right?
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
Neck because that would kill me
C. A woman's place is in the:
Wherever she wants to be
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
My Mother's Sanity
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
Art, music, science
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
Hair (not sure why)
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? Why would I know…seriously?!
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Michael Staccato Vincent Hodgins
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Angela Pearly Gates Montenegro Hodgins Jack_Stanley Hodgins
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you
probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified
by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, should you, by some ice cube's chance in HELL, be even remotely
considered, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating, which is attached to this Application.
Daddy'sRules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy)
RuleOne:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure
not picking anything up.
RuleTwo:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer
at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.
RuleThree:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely
that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail
gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and
the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine
with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour
goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
• Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
• Places where there is darkness.
• Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
• Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose
down parka - zipped up to her throat.
• Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature
chain saws are okay.
• Hockey games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.
RuleNine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted hasbeen. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
RuleTen:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in
plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
"Michael what are you doing?" Christine Booth asked her best friend since birth.
"Filling out an application for permission to date you." Was the response.
"You realize that we're twelve right?" she had to ask.
"Yeah it says allow four to six years for processing so I figure that by the time I want to date you your dad will have seen and approved this application so I hope that you will go out with me when I eventually ask you to be my girlfriend." Michael Hodgins replied.
"What makes you think I'll want to go out with you?" she snarked back.
"I'm the only one who will believe that your father has access to a gun but uses enough common sense to realize that he won't use it on anyone without them killing someone first." He shot back.
"True I've got four to six years to be convinced though…" she smirked.
"My mother will kill us if we take as long to get together as your parents did…" he sighed.