Disclaimer : I do not own Lord of the Rings, Tolkien does.
How to get a date – an idiot`s guide for orcs
Just follow our easy 4 – step program, and you`ll see, success is guaranteed !
Step one :
How to improve your appearance
- show fangs as often as possible (sign of good health)
- roar and snarl
- use stimulating eau de toilette like `skunk d`or`
- wear as many weapons as possible (shows you are mighty warrior)
- don`t bathe, it removes your natural smell of sweat and rotten meat, which is
known to be seductive for females
- don`t change underwear
- don`t cut or wash hair. Long hair full of knots, twigs, bones and birdnests is attractive
- don`t clean armor, rust makes it look better
- wear eye-covering helmet (makes you look mysterious)
- wear plateau boots to make you look bigger
- apply warpaint (shows your sense of fashion)
Step two:
How to compliment a woman
Phrases to impress your chosen one :
- Your lips are like two fat, juicy worms !
- Your skin has the delicate texture of sandpaper !
- Your eyes are like dark, muddy ponds !
- Your lovely voice reminds me of the threatening Nazghul`s battle cry !
- You`re as graceful as a troll !
- Let your body be my battlefield !
Step three:
How to choose the right present
Suitable presents for women :
- skull, filled with selection of finest chocolate
- hunting trophy
- pot of warpaint
- coupon for free mudbath
- kitchenapron (shows that you appreciate housewifes)
- fresh meat (to give her opportunity to invite you for dinner)
- sexy fur dessous (gives you excuse for a visit later in evening)
- leather whip (Raarrr !)
Step four:
How to behave around a woman
What to say and to do at your first date:
- when entering restaurant, make sure to slam door in her face
- roar at every possible rival in reach
- challenge everyone who doesn`t back away immediatley
- make some compliments (look step two)
- hand over carefully chosen present and make sure she unpacks it in front of audience,
especially if it`s sexy fur dessous or leather whip (look step three)
- take heavy blush as sign of gratefulness
- make useful suggestions what to do with present
- therefore seek opinion from other male guests
- order menue with overloud voice and theatralic gestures
- remember it`s only natural to ask, if you can expect sex after dinner
- it`s a nice gesture to ask other guests to assure her of her bodily
preferences (" doesn`t she have lovely fat hips ?")
- challenge everyone, who doesn`t agree immediatley
- demand that meat for food is slaughtered freshly at table
- offer waiter to do it yourself
- eat with mouth opened to show fangs (look step one)
- tablecloths are used to wipe mouth after eating
- napkins are used to clean ears and blow nose
- fart and belch to show that the food was good
- ask her, if she likes to have special dessert tonight at home (´wink, wink´)
- tell entertaining stories at table (´how I ripped that elf´s head off last week´)
- show off with your position, salary, mighty friends and previously conquests
- ask her, if she has gained weight since you saw her last time
- when dancing, squeeze her tight, to ensure that she inhales manly scent
of sweat and rotten meat (look step one)
- step on her feet
- it`s ok to pinch her in lower body parts
- it`s also ok to leer or slobber in her decollete (or both)
- try to fill her up with alcohol to loosen atmosphere
- ask again, if you can expect sex later in evening
- let her pay the bill, to show her that you appreciate independent women
- escort her home, then ask if you could come in for a slumber drink (´nudge, nudge, wink, wink´)
- following yelling, sobbing, hysterically screaming and physical violence can be seen as good sign,
that your relationship is going to blossom !
If you follow our prized idiot`s guide, you can be sure to expect a fullfilled,
perfect and satisfieing lovelife !
Good luck !!
Available soon :
´How to win a war´ - an idiot`s guide
´How to cook for friends`- an idiot`s guide