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DV
Nolan is gone. I have to admit it to myself. Other than when he saved me from the refugee camp. I don't remember being without him. Sure our relationship was different. But I was his daughter; and he my father. I wish he were here to give me advice. He was always good about that, even when I didn't want his opinion.
Even though I've been busy 'keeping law' in Defiance I've still made time to watch Luke when I can. He calms me. Everything is so much simpler when it's just him and I. He loves the sky, the clouds, the stars.
I had never wanted to be a mother. There is enough conflict and confusion in this town that there is no way I'd bring a child into it. Maybe Tommy and I would've talked about it. But fate just didn't allow for it.
When I'm with Luke I forget about being the destroyer, about the ark tech in my head, about my missing-probably dead father, or my mounting responsibilities as Lawkeeper. It's all so much easier to be with him. His ecstatic smile when he sees me, the giggle he makes when I say certain constellations. He makes me feel at ease.
The pain is more than I ever thought possible. I've had bones broken, been tortured, had my hand crushed by my mother. Physical pain is easy. This, right now, is not easy. Will I ever heal? Luke makes me smile. Being his father is all that matters to me now. My mother and father keep trying to get me to be more. More like they think I should be. My mourning over Christi should be over by now. As a Castithan male I should not be this 'weak'. I hate my parents for making this harder. Christi was my everything. We fought so hard to have a life together. I know my mother was protecting Luke. I know Christi was protecting Luke. But I still cannot forgive either of them for what they've done. It's a selfish human emotion- believe I know- but I am angry she left me.
I've become almost indifferent to my mother. My anger/hatred/frustration only fed her need to 'fix' what she had done. There is no fixing it. She killed Christi. I saw it. In that moment half of me bled out as she did. So now I just feign interest in her causes. I let her and my father see Luke. But I am dedicated to him now. I am less Tarr than I use to be. My son is my life.
Our son is perfect.
It is fascinating to watch Irisa with him. He is calmed by her. Her smile captivates him.
Watching her with him makes me feel less empty. Makes me feel less alone. I want to know more about her.