INTRODUCTION: What follows here are a series of relatively disconnected Farscape fanfics, all of which were written during the nail-biting lull between the cancellation of the series and the announcement of The Peacekeeper Wars. As such, they are a product of their time—a time when the fandom was in something of a miniature crisis, when there were certain conventions in fanfic which were utterly terrible in retrospect, and when I was apparently quite the shit author. Everything you're about to read from this point forward is dreck. I'm only posting it here to archive my shame.
THE BELLS OF TERRA FIRMA
AU: Diverges after 'Lava's a Many Splendored Thing.' Aeryn wasn't on Moya when they caught up to it circa 'Promises', so Crichton did something drastic.
"JUST make a frelling wormhole and go home!"
John Crichton slid the wheeled chair across the room until it came to a stop, and threw the baseball at the far wall. "I hate the ratcage..."
"Translator microbes, eh? So what, you hear every language like it's English?"
"Not exactly. You still hear the sounds of the other language, but the microbes let you understand what the sounds mean. It's more like subconscious subtitles than a psychic dub-job."
The baseball hit the steel wall with a dull thud and bounced back. "I hate Nevada..."
"What exactly is 'frell,' Crichton? If that's who you really are..."
"'Frell'? Well it's kinda like 'fuck', but less polite."
John caught the ball and looked at it for a second. "And I God damned hate Aera-fucking-51!" He hurled the baseball at the triple-ply plexiglass windows, sealed as tightly as the rest of the quarantine chamber. The ball rattled the glass, and bounced away harmlessly.
"Enough of that, Crichton. Keep quiet in there." The guard on duty didn't even look at him.
"Hey," John said, rapping on the window harder, "does this bother you? 'Cause it bugs the crap outta me!" John had said that to another soldier once, a long time ago... the memory still hurt.
A uniformed officer, flanked by a pair of MPs, came into the room. Crichton let out a short, deranged, high-pitched laugh and stood up. "Colonel West, good to see ya! Let me guess: it's time for another round of," Crichton deepened his voice to sound like a TV announcer, "Interrogate the Astronaut? 10,000-Question Pyramid? Wormhole of Fortune?" John fell back onto the chair and let in spin around in lazy circles. "I told you three days ago, I'm not going to play anymore, not until I see my dad."
"Actually, that's why I'm here, Commander. We've collected a few choice participants to ask the questions at your next debriefing."
"Debriefing? That's what they're calling this? Debriefings do not last for two weeks!" John again silently cursed himself for not landing in the middle of New York City, or calling a lawyer or a news station before doing anything else. Instead, he had landed at Kennedy Space Center, right on the launch pad, and soldiers had nabbed him and impounded the module before he could even find DK.
The colonel punched a code into the keypad and opened the quarantine chamber. John was hauled to his feet by the MPs, and taken through a maze of hallways to a room with nothing in it apart from a single chair in the center, under a hanging light bulb. The chair faced a wall that was mostly mirror - or one-way-window, depending on which side you were on. The MPs sat Crichton down, and then left, closing the door behind them.
Colonel West's voice buzzed over an intercom. "Crichton, we have some people here who are going to ask you some questions."
"So tell me something new."
"They're not psychologists, scientists, or military. They're going to ask you questions about your past."
Now that got John's attention. "You've got my family in there, don't you! And DK too, I'll bet. Who else didja round up? Old girlfriends? My third-grade English teacher?"
"John," said the voice over the mike. Crichton recognized it instantly - it was his dad. "What happened on your tenth birthday?"
"Dad? I should've known you'd ask that... long story short, you were late, but you commandeered a jet so that we could go fishing at Sawyer's Mill."
"What did you catch?"
"It was a huge trout, Dad."
The questions went on like that for nearly an hour. Eventually, John realized that there were four people behind that mirror - Jack Crichton, Olivia Crichton, DK, and none other than Alex O'Conner. When he answered his fifth trick question from DK (he got the sense that his childhood friend hadn't believed he was really alive), he started to get fed up. "Hey, when am I gonna get out of here? I'm not answering another question until I actually seesomeone." He turned around in the chair and didn't say another word.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter how patriotic a man is; it doesn't matter whether information is 'classified' or not. The simple fact is, you don't stand between a national hero with friends in high places, and his long-lost son. And so, John Crichton was finally released from quarantine, set free to deal with a whole new set of problems. The Secret Service followed him wherever he went, "for his own protection," they said. John wasn't sure of that, but at least they kept the newshounds away. Guys with shades, earpieces, and black suits are handy for when you want to keep microphones out of your face, but they don't do anything to stop the shouts, the flashes of cameras, or seeing your face on every newspaper, TV channel, and supermarket hotsheet. "Astronaut fathers alien baby." If the tabloids only knew.
John was glad for the little things, parts of Earth that he had missed out there: the food he was familiar with, doors he knew how to open, toothbrushes that didn't wriggle. But when it came to the stuff he had thought was important - his friends, his family - John found himself claming up, growing quiet and distant every time he was reminded of something from his old life. He worked with DK, trying to figure out how his module's modifications and his pulse pistol worked. He stayed in his father's house, and Olivia hung around to spend time with her brother. But he didn't talk about what happened in space - he couldn't bring himself to do that yet.
And Alex? John tried to avoid her, but he never managed to do a very good job. She offered her expertise as a molecular biologist to IASA, and they placed her with Crichton and DK, studying the biomechanoid parts that John had grafted onto the Farscape.
"I'm gonna go grab some coffee," said DK. "You want any?"
Alex fired off an order that would undoubtedly be sending DK to Starbucks for most of the very near future. Without even asking whether John wanted any, DK ducked out the door and left Alex alone with him.
"John?"
"Yeah?" Crichton was doubled over, leaning into the module.
"Do you want to tell me what happened out there?"
John stood up and looked at Alex. "I can't. Not yet."
"Why not?" Alex inched closer. "I mean, my God, John! You show up and talk about how you haven't had beer or seen the Three Stooges in three years, and I understand that, but most men I know would also point out that they haven't been with a woman in-" Alex saw the stonefaced stare she was getting from John. "But not you... because you... oh, my God... an alien? John, you... and an alien?"
John didn't say anything, but all Alex heard was the absence of a denial.
"Don't tell me that all this brooding has been over a woman," said Alex. "That's just not like you, John. When we broke up, you bounced right back and starting dating that Caroline Wallace woman-"
"That's right, Alex, we broke up. Because you left. I seem to have that effect on people."
"She left you?" John nodded. "And that's why you finally came home."
"No, I finally came home because I finally figured out how to make a wormhole that lead home." John could see that Alex was going to press him for more information, but he didn't want to answer any questions. He just picked up a nearby tool and pitched it into the module's cockpit; and then he stormed out of the hangar.
Alex, not to be defeated so easily, ran after John and caught up with him in the doorway. "This alien of yours is still on the other side of the universe, right?"
"Galaxy," corrected John, "but that's far enough. You should know that; California was far enough."
"I'm not in California now," said Alex. "I missed you."
John, as had been his habit lately, didn't say anything. For once, Alex saw advantage in his silence, and kissed him.
Some days later, John was on his way home one evening, only to see a limousine and a couple of jeeps parked outside his dad's house. He rushed inside and found Colonel West and a couple of IASA eggheads waiting for him. "Commander Crichton," said the colonel, "have a seat."
John didn't move. "What's going on?"
The officer threw a stack of black-and-white photographs onto the coffee table. "Does that look familiar?"
John picked up the pictures. The first one showed a tiny, black speck, too small to make out. Each subsequent image was magnified, little by little, and as John went through them, he gradually recognized the shape of a Peacekeeper Prowler. "Did this come out of the wormhole?"
"Then you do know what it is?" asked on the of the scientists.
"Yeah. It's a Prowler, a starfighter. Stealth capabilities, some pretty heavy firepower."
Colonel West charged forward and grabbed Crichton's shirt collar. "Is it here to gather information? Or can it attack us on its own?"
John grabbed the officer's arm and twisted it away, obviously surprising the colonel with his strength. "There's nothing to worry about, Colonel," said John, "because no Prowler pilot has ever navigated a wormhole and lived." He turned to the scientist gathering up the photos and asked, "What is that ship doing now?"
"At the moment, Commander, nothing. It's been in a deteriorating orbit for about two hours now. We expect it to hit the atmosphere and burn up in another two."
"So if it was going to burn up, what do you need me for?"
Colonel West fixed Crichton with a venomous gaze and said, "You're going up there in the Farscape I, Commander, and you're going to tow that ship down here in one piece."
The Farscape module's repulsor lifts seemed to struggle with the weight as they set the Prowler down, causing both ships of wobble precariously before touching the ground. Finally, John set down and popped the canopy. He noticed that there were soldiers and scientists waiting, as well as Alex and DK.
John leapt out of the module and turned to face the Prowler. "Hey, DK, do you still have my pulse pistol?"
"Uh... yeah, sure, John." DK took the pistol and handed it to John, who retrieved the chakan oil cartridge from his own pocket and loaded the weapon.
John walked cautiously over to the prowler and depressed the controls that opened the canopy. The Prowler slowly opened and John took a step back, fully expecting to be splattered with Prowler pilot frappé. But that didn't happen. The pilot was unconscious, but in one piece. And when John saw who it was, his pistol fell to the ground.
It was Aeryn Sun.
Aeryn remembered a sense of people hovering over her, and the distinct feeling that someone was holding her hand through it all. When she woke up, she realized that she was in a white room, with sunlight streaming in through a window, and that someone really was holding her hand.
"Good morning, Sunshine."
"John?!" Aeryn rolled off the bed and grabbed John possessively, fiercely pressing her lips to his. "It's true," said Aeryn finally. "You made it back to Earth."
"Yes I did," said John. "The question is, how did you get here?"
"First, where is here? I don't remember landing."
"I brought your Prowler down with the Farscape. You're in an infirmary, at IASA headquarters in Florida."
Aeryn was still holding on to John, letting her head rest on his. "I did it. I finally found you."
"Why don't you tell me what happened?"
"I left the ex-Peacekeeper squad after about a monen. I spent the next two trying to track down Moya, and when I finally found her, you had already left. So I had Pilot fly us back to where you opened your wormhole, and we waited for it to open again."
"But... you knew what wormholes did to Prowler pilots. You knew that it could kill you!"
"I had to risk it, John. I also knew that if you found your Earth, I'd never see you again unless I went there myself, and I had to find you!"
At last, thought John, the heart of the issue. "And why did you have to find me?"
"Every reason," said Aeryn. "I shouldn't have left, but I needed time. I had to deal with losing you, and I didn't know how."
"I dealt with it after the diagnosan's planet," said John.
"This was different," said Aeryn. "You died, but you were still alive. It took time before I could understand. You're the same man who I fell in love with, who said he loved me beyond hope, who told me I could be more. You're still the John Crichton who asked me to go to Earth with him... who made love to me on that false Earth." Aeryn paused, gauging John's reaction. His eyes... they were softening, just a bit. "You're still the John Crichton who would be the father of my child."
"The old woman said something like that," said John, "but unless sebaceans are really slow to show, something's missing."
"I was a Peacekeeper, John," said Aeryn, who proceeded to explain the details of the PK stasis gene. "The fœtus can be held in stasis for up to seven cycles. This baby could have been conceived that once on the false Earth, and we'd never know."
"Okay, I'll buy that. I just have one question. Did you know before you left Moya?"
"It's just a flesh wound."
"Never mind that, Officer Sun. We need you in fighting form before the next mission. Go see the medtech this microt; that's an order."
Aeryn navigated the corridors of the squad base, coming to a halt at the infirmary. "Officer Sun, come in," said the medic. "This won't take long, just a quick checkup."
He treated the pulse wound efficiently enough, and activated the bio-scanner. "What's this? Officer Sun, are you aware that you have a fœtus in stasis?"
"No," said Aeryn. "Is there any way to tell how long it's been there?"
"I'm afraid not," said the tech, "but we can run a genetic scan if you need to know who the father is."
"I do," said Aeryn. "Run the test."
It didn't take more than a few microts, but Aeryn already knew the result when she saw the medic's face turn pale. "I... recommend immediate abortion," he said. "This will only take-"
"Why? Is the child not healthy?"
"That depends on your definition," spat the medic. "It's not pure sebacean. The father's species isn't even in our records!"
Aeryn's smile of relief lit up the room, but the medic could only stare at her with open contempt.
"Of course I didn't know!" said Aeryn. "I found out after I joined the counter-terrorism unit, and once I found out, I immediately left them to find you! I realized something else a long time ago, John."
"Which was?"
"Whether you deny it or not, you and your twin were the same. Equal and original. If you had come with me on Talyn, you'd be dead, and I'd still be in a hospital on Earth, trying to tell John Crichton that I love him. So the way I see it, there's only one question that matters: do you love Aeryn Sun?"
John gently touched Aeryn's chin and looked into her eyes. She had left him twice, put him through more pain than he had ever thought was possible, and still his answer hadn't changed. "Beyond hope. When I lose you, Aeryn, I lose my one constant. My guiding star."
"You promised that you'd never leave me, John. Now I make that same promise. I'll never leave you again."
"Prove it," said John. "Marry me." John reached his hand into his pocked and pulled out the ring he had bought years ago, the one he had planned to give to Alex once. He wasn't quite sure why he'd been carrying it around lately; he certainly hadn't planned on giving to anyone anytime soon.
"What? You're asking me to be your life-mate?"
"On this planet, they say 'husband and wife,' but that's the basic idea."
"Yes!" said Aeryn, nodding emphatically. "I will marry you, John Crichton."
John placed the ring on Aeryn's finger and they kissed again. This time, John responded with all the emotion he'd been holding back since Aeryn had first taken off in her Prowler. "One question," said John. "How do we let junior out of the freeze-dryer?"
"I released the stasis after I found Moya, about 20 solar days ago."
"You mean... we're gonna have a baby?"
Aeryn nodded and shot John one of those heart-melting smiles of hers.
That was enough for John. He ran to the window, threw it open, and shouted, "We... are having... a baby! Yeah!" He pointed to the heavens and announced, "Frell you!"
"Careful," said Aeryn, trying not to laugh at John. "You'll fall out the window... clumsy human."
"Yeah, sorry. I just... whew."
"Then, you're happy?"
Out of breath, John nodded.
Then the door burst open, and in came Jack Crichton, DK, Alex, and Colonel West. "We heard yelling," said Jack. "Is everyone okay?"
"Yeah, just fine," said John. "Aeryn's okay. We're all... okay now."
All except Alex, John realized. She had seen the two of them holding hands and simling; she might have even noticed the ring on Aeryn's finger that hadn't been there earlier. In any case, she was staring at Aeryn with undisguised malice.
It was the exact opposite of the wonder in Jack's eyes. "I'm pleased to finally meet you, Aeryn Sun," said Jack. "My son tells me you've saved his life a couple times."
"Tn oucna cina htsem!i terom sevi lsreh tohc a ede vasew," said Aeryn.
"Woah," said DK. "That is one freaky language!"
"Sorry," said John. "No translator microbes. Aeryn said that we've saved each other's lives more times than we can count."
"So are you going to introduce us?" asked DK.
"Why is he staring at me?" asked Aeryn. Then she looked down and noticed the hospital gown. "Where are my clothes?"
"Good question," said John. "Oh, Colonel West? Would you be so kind as to retrieve Officer Sun's clothing? Thank you... so much." It was an obvious dismissal, and the colonel angrily took the hint.
John was finally able to introduce Aeryn to his father, DK, and Alex; and without Colonel West listening in, he felt that he could ask a few more questions. "So how did you get through that wormhole alive? Technically, you should be a fine paste on your Prowler's windshield."
"The test pilots must have all been incompetent," said Aeryn. "The dumbest recruit could dodge the energy waves in that wormhole. You can dodge them in that dren-bucket of yours!"
John just stared blankly at Aeryn. "Those waves, Aeryn, are negative energy - exotic spacetime fluctuations that hold the singularity open. And they're invisible."
"You mean, you can't see them?"
"Nope," said John. "I can sense 'em because I know wormholes, but the Prowler pilots, the scientists on the carrier, hell, even Scorpy couldn't see the negative flux waves. And you know what kind of eyes that creepy bastard had."
"Maybe it's my pilot DNA," said Aeryn after a moment's thought.
"That's got to be it," said John. "So Pilot could probably navigate a wormhole just fine too. Where is Moya right now?"
"Waiting on the other side. I told them that I'd transmit a homing signal when I found you."
"I should probably get up there and do that, then," said John. "No sense in leaving Moya out in the open where Grayza and the PKs can find her."
Aeryn stood up and said, "The beacon's on my Prowler. We should both-"
"I can handle it," said John. "You need to stay here and rest."
Colonel West returned, carrying a bundle of black leather. Aeryn took them and started dressing; from the look on her face, John knew he wasn't going to get her to stay here. "Officer Sun," said the colonel, "I'd like to ask you some questions when you have a moment. We're particularly interested in the technology on your fighter-" He was interrupted by Aeryn's Sebacean, and what she said made Crichton laugh.
"Sorry, Colonel," said John. "Aeryn says that she's a soldier, not a tech, and that I actually understand Peacekeeper technology better than she does. Which isn't saying much."
"Obviously not," grunted the Colonel.
"Are you coming?" asked Aeryn.
"Right behind you," said John.
"Where are you going?" asked Alex. It was the first thing John had heard her say all day.
Aeryn whipped around and shot Alex one of her patented Peacekeeper "I don't like you, you lesser life-form" stares. Oh, yes: Aeryn knew who this girl was, and she wasn't about to let anything else get between her and John again. Not twinning, not coin-tosses, and certainly not old "recreation" partners.
"We'll be back in a little bit," said John. "ET just has to phone home and let the folks know we're alive."
Aeryn's Prowler waited near the mouth of the wormhole.
Crichton was counting down using numbers that Aeryn hadn't heard from him before. "Tres... dos... uno." On cue, the wormhole flared to life.
Aeryn toggled the signal beacon and waited.
"Aeryn?" came the transmission. "It's D'Argo. Come in."
"Yes, D'Argo, I read you," said Aeryn.
"Good to hear your voice, Big Guy!" said John.
"John? You're alive? That is wonderful news, my friend! Did you find your way back to Earth?"
"I tell you what, D. Have Moya follow our signal through the wormhole, and you can see what it looks like for yourself."
"All right. We'll see you both very soon." D'Argo cut the signal.
A few hundred microts later, Moya emerged from the mouth of the wormhole. "Let's go inside and say 'hi' to the kids," said John.
"Pilot, are you there? This is Aeryn."
"We are here, Officer Sun. You are clear to land in docking bay one."
"For real?" squealed Chiana. "You're finally getting married? That's the draddest!"
"Married?" huffed Rygel. He shook his head at Crichton in disappointment and muttered, "Idiot."
D'Argo smacked Rygel on the back of the head and said, "Most of us are happy for both of you. John, Aeryn, congratulations."
"I could officiate the ceremony," said Noranti. "I am familiar with a vast number of bonding traditions..."
"We've decided on a simple, human-style wedding," said Aeryn. "It's the only tradition John knows, and Peacekeepers don't even have that."
"I can understand that," said Chiana. "The only sebacean wedding you ever came close to was Crichton's, and that was to another woman!"
"Yes. Chiana. Thank you. For reminding me," said Aeryn. The tone of her voice was enough to make even Chiana shut up and look away meekly.
"Anyway, said John, "you guys are all invited, once we finally get this whole shindig planned. In the meantime, how would you guys like a tour of my home planet?"
On board the Peacekeeper Command Carrier patrolling the Uncharted Territories...
"Captain Braca, I need your assistance."
"What for, Ma'am?"
"No matter," said Grayza, picking up the telepathic communicator. "You wouldn't remember anyway." With one swift motion, she stuck the device to Braca's forehead. "Skreeth, do you hear me?"
"I do, Commandant. The leviathan is orbiting Crichton's home planet."
"Where is it?"
"I do not know. They traveled through a wormhole to get here."
"Listen to me: I want you to go down to the planet and find out everything you can about its location, its people, its defenses."
"I understand."
The link was broken, and the psychic device came off of Captain Braca. He came to his senses, and realized that he was on the floor with the commandant.
"That was... excellent," she cooed. "That will be all, Captain."
Braca was visibly flustered, confused by what he didn't remember. "Um... glad I could be of service, Ma'am."
"I'm not sure I understand this concept," said D'Argo.
"It's very simple," said John. "We go out there and talk with the guy sitting at the desk. Do you follow me so far?"
"Uh-huh."
"Okay. The people with cameras film what we talk about, and later tonight, they broadcast it on the TV networks for people to watch."
"Okay... and people want to watch this, why, exactly?"
"Because we're famous, and they want to know what we think about stuff," said Crichton.
"Just enjoy it!" said Chiana. "I love being famous!" D'Argo poignantly ignored her; the sense of betrayal was still to close.
"I don't like it at all," said Aeryn. "Everyone's always analyzing every little thing we do. John, do you think that this Dah-veed Letter-man will ask about us? Our getting married, I mean?"
"You can bet on it," said John. "It's okay. People were going to find out sooner or later. If they don't like it, frell 'em. But most people will love the idea so much, we'll never hear the end of it."
"That's what scares me," said Aeryn.
"Your Earth is very strange that way," said D'Argo. "Your leaders obviously don't want us here. They don't like aliens-"
"They don't like anybody," said John.
"-But most people treat us like celebrities. Like your 'movie stars'." D'Argo shook his head in confusion. "I've been asked to play an action hero in a science fiction movie. I do not know how to act! I would not even know where to begin!"
"Hold that thought, D," said John. "They're about to give us our cue."
"...so let's all give a warm welcome to Commander John Crichton and the crew of the starship 'Moya'!" The wild applause from the audience was more than enough incentive for Chiana and Rygel to rush onto the stage (the latter giving the adoring masses his best royal wave). Noranti and Sikozu, always detached from the others in their own way, followed behind.
"Are you ready?" asked John.
"I think so," said Aeryn. "But this is the last one. I don't want to talk to any more of these 'talk hosts' for a long time!"
"You can shoot the very next guy who invites us," promised John, "on the lowest pulse setting, of course." They followed the other aliens onto the stage.
D'Argo took a deep breath and gathered his courage. I am a luxan warrior. I have seen two battle campaigns and braved countless dangers alongside my friends. They are here with me even now, and I will not abandon them. Yes, I truly have nothing to fear... truly... nothing at all...
It was well after-hours, and Alex had been working at IASA non-stop since morning. She couldn't stand seeing John and that Aeryn woman together. She wasn't even human, for God's sake! She was a gun-toting biker-chick from space! A damn brain-sucking alien! A brunette alien! She must have done something to John... that was it. There was no way he would go for a creature like that, not when she herself was right in front of him, practically throwing herself at him. She had to warn John, get him to come to his senses, undo whatever the aliens had done.
She threw down the readouts that she didn't understand anyway - part X-ray, part blueprint, for all the good that did her and DK and the other scientists - and rushed out of the hangar, towards the parking lot.
It was quiet; not many people stayed this late into the night. Even DK and his know-it-all wife had gone home (Alex took a perverse pleasure in the fact that even Dr. Larua Knox, brilliant astrophysicist, couldn't figure out how the hetch drive warped spacetime and propelled a ship). Still thinking about John more than her surroundings, she quickly drew the keys from her purse and tried to steady her hand enough to use them on the car door. Somewhere in the distance, a cat meowed and a trash can fell over.
Then, a horrible shriek filled her ears and Alex found herself being pulled off her feet and thrown to the ground. She opened her eyes and saw a hideous green face, drooling, snarling at her. It was an alien - it had to be! They were on to her! Maybe this was even what Aeryn Sun really looked like!
The creature raised its razor-like claws, and Alex screamed.
All that John Crichton could think was, The big day is tomorrow. The biggest big day that anyone ever had. Most people get pre-wedding jitters, but I've got rattlers on crack-cocaine in there because I'm marrying the most beautiful and kickass woman in the whole damn universe. Because the President and half of this planet's heads of state have been invited to the wedding, no thanks to Dominar Buckwheat XVI. Because I couldn't decide whether DK or D'Argo should be my best man, so it's probably going to come down to who has the lesser hangover after my bachelor party, and let's face it, even though D'Argo can put 'em away, he doesn't stop once he gets going. DK can do that before he gets totally pissed, because he learned the hard way, when we were in college. Crichton's thoughts went on like that all day, bouncing incoherently from one topic to the next in haphazard fashion.
"This tradition is useless to me!" said Rygel, snapping Crichton back to reality for the moment, "Why would I want to accompany you for a night of drinking and watching the hideous, naked forms of body-breeding females? I would need a great deal of alcohol to enjoy that, let me assure you!"
DK had gotten to know the aliens much better since receiving translator microbes. "We can always look for a strip-joint that caters to the 'Kermit the Frog' demographic, but I think you're better off going with Irish whiskey, vodka, and Schnapps'."
"That made about as much sense as the things Crichton says," muttered D'Argo. "Look, there are similar traditions on Lux, Ilan, and many of the Sebacean worlds I am familiar with. My own pre-bonding party was many cycles ago, but I remember it well enough to help John through his. I only assume that on Earth, these events do not involve tattoos or brandings?"
"Riiight," said DK. "I think you'd better let me call the shots on this one."
"Come on, Aeryn!" said Chiana, pulling tomorrow's blushing bride towards the brightly lit building. "It's a tradition on this planet!"
"This 'Las Vegas' place is a marvel," said Noranti. "All the beverages and vomit mixing in the streets could provide countless new potions..."
"That is disgusting!" sneered Sikozu. "Please remind me why I've consented to come with you."
"Because you speak better English than us, so you can get us into the good places," said Chiana, "and to have a decent bachelorette party, we have to find the really good places! That guy at the casino... the one that belongs to 'Caesar'... he recommended a place called 'Chippenales,' or 'Chippyfails,' or something. Ah, whatever, we'll find it!"
Aeryn finally tore free of Chiana's grasp and said, "All right, you can stop pulling! I'll come along, but if one of you even so much as breathes a word of this to John, you all know what sort of pain I can inflict with my bare hands, or a pulse pistol, or a pulse rifle, D'Argo's Qualta blade, my Prowler, a dull fragment of metal, dry food cubes..."
The chapel was packed tighter than a transport pod full of crackers, with guests from all over the planet (and obviously, a few from farther away). Chiana and Sikozu had been conscripted to join Olivia as bridesmaids, which as the human woman explained it, meant that they were there to wear ugly dresses so that Aeryn looked that much more beautiful. DK managed to retain the coveted position of best man, because D'Argo was spotted for the tradition of giving the bride away. Aeryn hadn't asked what that signified; she just assumed that it was human nonsense, and ran with it. Most surprising of all was the job of ring-bearer, which John had given to his pet DRD, 1812, so that Pilot and Moya could participate in the wedding as well. Of course, it was worth all the troubles of planning and execution, wading through the media circus and the security problems, just to see Rygel in a hynerian-tailored tux. One got the sense, though, that Rygel and Noranti paid more attention to the wedding cake than the wedding itself.
John sorely wished that Zhaan could have lived to see this. She gave her life so that it could happen, though. She was here in spirit; there were few things in this universe that John was more sure of.
When the music started and Aeryn appeared, he remembered one of them.
D'Argo in a tux, now that was another memorable sight, but it paled to mediocrity when set beside the vision of Aeryn Sun, badass ex-Peacekeeper tough-jirl of the universe, in the perfect, white wedding gown. Crichton couldn't help but think that he was the luckiest guy in this or any other galaxy.
The ceremony was simple enough, much as all the weddings in Earth's movies had been. They exchanged rings (and Aeryn noticed that the one John gave her now was more beautiful than the one he had placed on her finger after proposing - what she didn't know was that it had belonged to Leslie Crichton). They also exchanged vows.
"Aeryn Sun, from the day I found myself in a world more alien than I had ever imagined possible, you provided me with a center, a Sun to light my way, a constant, guiding star. We didn't always understand each other; we didn't always get along; but you stayed my constant companion, my best friend, my savior. We've visited worlds and skirted death, seen wonders I'd never dreamed of, and you remain the most wonderful thing in my life. I love you, Aeryn Sun, beyond all hope, and I will love you for as long the Sun shines down on us."
Aeryn was still far more eloquent in Sebacean than in English, but Sikozu was close by to provide a translation for the benefit of those listening. "John Crichton, when I first met you, I didn't know what to think. You were the most bizarre creature I had ever encountered, and I loved you for it. You told me then that I could be more than I was, though I didn't understand it at the time. Now I do. You've made me more than I ever thought I could be, because you showed me what it means to love and be loved. We crossed a galaxy to find each other, and I promise that I will never leave your side, for all the days of my life, because I love John Crichton."
They said their "I do's" and Crichton kissed the bride, and when he did, the applause from those assembled was loud and sincere. The ceremony done, everyone moved to the dining hall for the reception.
It was destined to be a hell of a party. Aeryn pitched the bouquet, and naturally enough, it was caught by none other than Chiana. John and Aeryn shared their first dance as husband and wife, and only finished when Rygel hovered over to the cake with the knife in hand... and all hell broke loose.
The cake flew off the table, knocking Rygel down, and Olivia Crichton screamed at the sight of what had knocked it over. The skreeth that had stowed away on Moya, invisible and noiseless, and followed the crew down to Earth on the transport pod, now made its presence known in an attempt to take John Crichton by surprise. The guests panicked, some rushing for the doors and others freezing in their tracks. Secret Service agents placed throughout the crowd took careful aim and discharged their 9mm pistols, but the bullets glanced off the skreeth's armored carapace with little effect.
John reached behind his back and drew out Winona, which had been concealed in the waistband of his slacks. In one fluid motion, Aeryn swept up her dress and drew her own pulse pistol, which had been strapped to her leg.
"You, too?" asked John.
"Of course," said Aeryn.
It was dangerous to be John Crichton or Aeryn Sun and go anywhere unarmed.
The skreeth recognized the more dangerous weapons and vanished from sight. Red electromagnetic pulses demolished the table that the creature had been standing in front of only moments ago.
"Where the frell did it go?" asked Aeryn.
"What the frell was it?" asked Crichton.
Sikozu managed to stand up and cross over to where John and Aeryn stood, warily waiting for the monster to reappear. "That creature is called a skreeth," said Sikozu. "Both the Peacekeepers and the scarrans have been known to employ them as mercenary spies and assassins."
"Thank you for the trivia, Ms. Wizard," said Crichton, "but I'd really like to know how we kill it!"
"Not that way," said Sikozu. "Their skin is resistant to pulse-fire."
Then, Aeryn's pistol flew out of her hands and she was thrown across the room into another table. John lost his grip on his own gun, and the skreeth reappeared, right before beating John to the ground.
Aeryn pulled herself up and crawled to her pistol. She saw the creature standing over John with its back to her. Taking a moment to turn the weapon up to its highest setting, Aeryn took careful aim and fired a salvo of quick shots. The skreeth stumbled forward and howled in pain, burn marks appearing on its back, but it was far from wounded. It was distracted long enough for John to jump to his feet and go for his own weapon, though. Crichton leveled Winona and started firing shots of his own. The skreeth was caught in a crossfire, taking blasts from both John and Aeryn, too distracted by the pain to vanish again.
Then, Aeryn's pistol clicked and nothing happened. Likewise, John pulled the trigger, but no little red bolt of light issued from the muzzle. The skreeth focused its attention on Crichton again, moving slowly towards him and growling. "I, uh, don't suppose you have any spare oil carts on you?" John asked nobody in particular.
Aeryn was up in a flash, attacking the monster bare-handed, a series of kicks and powerful jabs. A Pantak jab connected with its head, but even that failed to lay the creature low. One slash from its claw, and a bloody swath was cut across Aeryn's midsection. The force of the blow also threw her into John, who fell to his knees, mouth open, looking into Aeryn's eyes. He held her tight, pressed on her wound in hopes of stopping the bleeding. "John..." she said.
"I'm here, baby. Don't... go..."
"I... love... y-" Aeryn's voice caught in her throat.
The creature bore down on Crichton, raising its serrated arms to strike. Then, the doors burst open, and in came D'Argo with his Qualta rifle charged and ready. A heavy, blue laser pulse hit the skreeth full on, causing it to stop where it stood. A second blast cut right through the creature, leaving a gaping hole in its midsection. It shrieked in pain, gurgled, and fell to the floor dead.
"Aeryn!" shouted Chiana, who leapt over a table and rushed over to the newlyweds. "Is-is-is she okay?"
Noranti came over and examined the cut. "It appears to be a shallow flesh-wound," she said. "I can make a-"
"No!" said Crichton. "I think we can do without your brand of brew, old woman."
Aeryn raised her arm and touched John's cheek. "Help me up?" she asked.
"Are you sure?" asked John. "Does it hurt?"
"Of course, but I can handle pain. I've had much worse." Hanging onto John, Aeryn rose to her feet.
Crichton looked around. The hall was in a shambles. The food and decorations were utterly ruined. The guests (including John's immediate family) were staring at the couple in utter shock. There was a dead skreeth in the middle of dance floor.
Aeryn took one look at the scene and said, "Just frelling married!"
THE END
EPILOGUE:
The rest of the crew had already returned to Moya. They waited only for John and Aeryn now.
"Are you sure about this, Son?"
"We've got to go, Dad. Earth isn't ready for this."
"If we find out where that thing came from, we can kill whoever sent it," said Aeryn, "but we can only protect this planet from out there."
In mere hours, his son would be gone again. Jack was desperate for ideas now. "We could guard the wormhole, put up a defense screen - nothing would get through!"
John just shook his head. It wouldn't work; they all knew that. "I'll come back, Dad. After things have quieted down, we'll want a place to settle back for a while. No better place than Earth for that."
Jack realized that John was resigned to leaving. He bottled up his fear, his sadness, and managed to say, "You be sure and tell my grandkids about me."
"Of course we will," said Aeryn. "They'll want to know who their father's hero is."
DK took John's hand and said, "Take care, bro. We'll hold down the fort here. Keep the TV warm, set you a place at the table, that kind of thing."
"DK, you're starting to sound like Aunt Ruth." In the Crichton family, that was how people called each other crazy. Or fharbot.
"You take care of my brother," said Olivia, embracing Aeryn. Livvy whispered into her ear, "I'm glad he married you."
"Me too," said Aeryn. The understatement of the cycle.
John hugged his dad one final time and they all said their last goodbyes. Then, John Crichton and Aeryn Sun, comrades in arms, 'Butch' and 'Sundance', husband and wife, turned away and walked towards destiny.