So many things that I wish you knew;
so many walls up I can't break through.
I'm dying to know – is it killing you like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say since the twist of fate, when it all broke down.
The story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
- Taylor Swift, "The Story of Us"
The bond does not die with Snoke.
It gets stronger.
Before, Ben's presence had only been a quiet hum in the back of her mind, ever since their battle in the snow. That hum only grew in intensity when the bond chose to connect them fully, silencing her surroundings and making him the center of her galaxy.
Now, he is nearly impossible to block out. Every day, Rey feels his rage pulsing on the edges of her thoughts. He slams his fists against the door that she has built to separate their minds, screaming his rage and pain at her betrayal. She can't imagine how he performs his duties as Supreme Leader while he keeps up the constant barrage; she can barely hold the door shut, and her missions require less attention than the intrigue he faces in the First Order.
Still, she does her best to ignore his efforts, knowing that her silence is even worse to him than her disappointment. It makes him feel truly alone. If she shouts back or lashes out, it would give him the attention that he craves from her. Pretending that she does not care – even though it feels as if her heart is breaking – is better, she tells herself. Better for both of them. It's the only hope they have of moving on.
Then one morning, she wakes to utter silence.
It is not a peaceful, calm silence. It is a stifling, vibrating static. The absence of his rage is more unsettling than any intrusion he has made into her mind before. A wave of panic washes over her. Something must be wrong. What if he has been injured? What if Hux or another general has decided to take the name of Supreme Leader the same way Ben did?
What if he's dying?
She shouldn't care, but she does. She will always care, no matter what she tells herself – or Ben.
Sitting up, Rey reaches out to him tentatively, barely brushing his mind with her own. That way, if it is a trick, she can pull away before he breaks through the door.
No answer.
She forces herself to go even closer, closing her eyes and envisioning walking towards the door. She rests her hand lightly on its knob. Ben?
His voice breaks when he replies, Go away.
Rey frowns. Despite his efforts to conceal it, she can feel his pain seeping from under the door now that she is this close. It creeps into her consciousness like smoke. He is sad. Has she ever felt sadness in him?
Before she can doubt herself, she takes a deep breath, tugging the door open a crack. The light from her mind spills over into the darkness of his side, just barely illuminating his hunched form. He leans heavily against the barrier, his forehead pressed to the wall. His dark hair hangs over his face, covering his eyes, but she can feel his tears as if they are her own.
Ben, she whispers, slowly sinking to the floor. He flinches away from her, scrambling back a foot deeper into the darkness.
I said leave me alone, Rey. The spark of anger behind those words flickers for a moment before it dies completely. He sighs deeply, making himself seem even smaller. Just…go.
She settles against her side of the barrier, nudging the door open a centimeter more. I'm not going anywhere.
He laughs aloud, a single, sharp sound that shatters the silence. You already left.
That's not true, she protests, even though it is.
It is, he agrees, the agony in him so deep that she feels it like a physical blow to her chest. She gasps, trying to hold back her tears. You left. Just like everyone else.
Images flash between them – Han, Leia, Luke…and Rey, shaking her head, backing away from his outstretched hand. Underneath them all lies the same word, hissed in a voice that sounds just like Snoke's: unwanted.
As soon as she catches that word, he rips the thoughts away from her, self-hatred making the shadows around him grow deeper. Why are you here? he demands.
The answer seems foolish, now that she's joined him in the place their minds meet. She's been blocking him out for nearly two weeks, but the second his thoughts go quiet, she races to look for him. She sighs, deciding to just tell him the truth. Could she lie to him if she even tried? I couldn't hear you.
Isn't that what you want? he snarls, lifting his head. She flinches at the intensity in his eyes. Or were you just redecorating in here?
Ben, I –
Don't. This – this separation you're making – it doesn't even bother you! It doesn't – He breaks off abruptly, chest heaving. It doesn't kill you like it kills me. I can't do this anymore, Rey. I'm too tired.
He slams the connection shut, throwing her back with such vicious power that she is flung from her bed. Rey immediately reaches out to him again, desperate to fix whatever this is – desperate to tell him that it does kill her, every day, more than he could possibly imagine – but she is met by a barricade far stronger than her own. No matter what she does, she cannot tear it down.
Wrapping her arms around herself, she silently cries.
A/N: *jumps on board the Reylo ship wearing full pirate regalia* I blame – and thank – Erika H. Daae for getting me into this mess. Since this is my first time writing for Star Wars, please forgive mistakes regarding fandom lore. Chapter 2 should be up soon! Thanks for reading!