She loved him. Truly adored him. She'd admired him from afar at first. He was so intelligent and charismatic. He was simply wonderful to her when they first got together. So caring and attentive. But then things started to change
It started off slowly. A comment here. An observation there. Before she knew it, he was practically controlling her life. Telling her what clothes she should prefer, how to wear her hair, who to see and when. If she dared do something he didn't like, it would be met with either jealous rage or a guilt trip until she ended up apologising. He took her away from her friends, changed everything about her. She didn't even realise any of it was happening. She was so intent to believe they were in love, and he was just doing what was best for her.
She had lost herself. He had made her into an entirely different person – the person he wanted her to be – and so she had lost what made her her. Her essential Hermione Granger-ness.
This is where our story finds its roots. But our story truly starts on the night their story finds its end. A hot and humid summer night in London. The middle of July. The sky was clear, but few stars could be seen due to the orange glow of city lights. They had been out for drinks with some of his work friends. He had dressed her up to show her off – his very own personal doll – and had then proceeded to get angry with her when she had the audacity to actually have a conversation with another man without him present.
He yelled at her in the street outside. No one stopped him. They hurried along and turned their faces away as he yelled foul things at her. Telling her she was nothing but a slut and would never amount to anything. That she was stupid. That no one would ever find her attractive. That he had never loved her. That he was only with her until something better came along.
She stood and cried and let his ugly words burrow deeper into her skin and her brain, attaching themselves like leeches to her thoughts, thinking he was telling her the truth. It wasn't until he told her they were finished and he stormed back inside that she sank to her knees and sobbed. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't be without him. Who was she without him?
She didn't notice the man approach her. Didn't register a hand wrap around her arm until a voice softly spoke by her ear.
"Come on, Granger, up you get."
She allowed herself to be pulled to her feet, and then to be walked away from the man in the pub that she loved. She didn't protest when she was led to a building – she didn't register what it was – and led through a door, then up a flight of stairs and through another door.
It wasn't until she was deposited on a couch that she started to notice things again. A small living room. Books dotted around the place. An old, half-drunk cup of tea on the table beside her. A plant in the corner of the room trying its hardest to stay alive. A bottle of gin or vodka or some other liquor on the other table in the room. A glass being pushed into her shaking hand. Theodore Nott sitting beside her, a glass in his own hand, looking particularly uncomfortable.
"Granger?" he said, after they'd looked at each other for a few moments.
"My knees are dirty." The first words she'd spoken to the boy – man – in seven years. Then another flood of sobs wracked her body. She wanted water to quell the burning creature that had lodged itself in her throat so she downed the contents of the glass in her hand – which made her throat burn and her eyes water for a completely different reason.
The reality of her situation started to seep into her. She was alone. She hadn't spoken to her friends in over six months, hadn't seen them for nearly two years. She had no one. He had been her whole life and now she had nothing. She had lost everything. She didn't even know who she was without him.
"You're well shot of him." Theodore Nott's words rushed out.
She shook her head. "He was right."
"No. Don't you dare think that! Who does he even think he is? Yelling at you like that? Saying those awful things?"
"He was right though. I'm nothing without him."
"No." Theodore Nott said firmly, turning her shoulders so she was facing him. The glass was still in his hand and it was cool on her skin. His penetrating gaze was even more so. "Listen to me. He had no right to tell you those despicable lies."
She shook her head and held back a sob.
They sat and drank in silence for god knows how long. The room was spinning slightly and her eyes were heavy when she next spoke.
"I'm not Hermione Granger anymore, am I? I don't even know who I am without him."
A pause.
"I could help you find her again." He said quietly, and her brain took a few seconds to make sense of the words. "If you'd let me."
"You'd do that?" she said sleepily, her head resting against the arm of the couch.
He chuckled. "If you grant me one wish, Granger."
"Deal." She said, before sleep overcame her.
~oOo~
They saw each other a lot over the next couple of months. She had decided that something had to change. She had seen Theodore Nott – someone from another lifetime – and it had reminded her how much she preferred the her from that lifetime. How much she had let that man change her. She still loved him, but she wanted her old self back. The woman that had her own mind and her own opinions. The woman that would not stand in the street and let someone shout at them without batting an eyelid, however true their words might be. In her heart she knew he'd never loved her. She knew she wasn't attractive or intelligent, but she knew she didn't want to be with someone who would point it out so viciously.
Theodore Nott was helping her. There was no doubt about it and she couldn't quite believe it. She didn't know why he was doing it, but she tried not to think about that too much. After a little over three weeks she could already feel herself changing. He was coaxing arguments out of her, playing devil's advocate and getting her fired up when all she used to do was agree with what anyone said – because nobody really cared about her opinions… or so she'd been led to believe.
They spent most of their time inside – either at his flat or hers. He preferred it that way – he didn't have to worry about the whispers and the looks if they stayed inside – and she didn't object, still a little apprehensive to go out in case she saw him. He made her reminisce a lot, about school and things that happened before she lost herself to that man. It took him a while to convince her that she had been in an abusive relationship. He couldn't stand how she stood up for him, even after everything.
"I keep telling you, Nott, he never raised a finger against me. He would never hurt me." was what she'd say whenever he brought it up and every time he'd have to say "He already has, Granger. It's emotional abuse. He manipulated you. He made you believe that you were worthless. You're not! You're beautiful and smart and you deserve to be in people's lives, whether it's for friendship or love. You are so much more than what he made you!"
He'd get even more annoyed when she shook her head like he was crazy, but slowly, he noticed, each time he told her, she'd shake her head slightly less, or her lips would quirk just a little higher. He hoped he wasn't imagining it, and that he was really getting through to her.
Theo confessed to her how his mother had been through something similar, and how he hadn't even realised until his father was carted off to Azkaban, leaving her broken and rudderless. That's how I felt when you found me, Hermione said when he asked if she understood, Like I was completely without a compass or a map, like I was stuck in the middle of the ocean without a prayer in the world. He told her how his father had ruled his mother's life, and how she fell apart when, after twenty-eight years of telling her what to do, he wasn't there anymore. He told her how she had had trouble even getting dressed in the morning without his critique, or deciding what social events to agree to and which to turn down.
He even went shopping with Hermione. She'd decided to give all her clothes to charity and start afresh, and he accompanied her, treating her to a scarf she liked but deemed too expensive. People looked at them with expressions of confusion and disbelief, but they both pretended not to notice.
The next day, when she got home from work, Hermione was greeted by an old friend sitting outside her door. Ginny Weasley hastily stood up when she saw her. Hermione didn't know what to say. She hadn't seen the woman for two years, when they'd had a big fight about him. Ginny stood, her red hair falling into her eyes, her hands clasped tightly in front of her.
"Hermione. How are you?" she said after a long pause.
"I'm well. Would you like to come in?" she asked.
"Please. I need to talk to you."
Hermione walked past her and opened her flat door, dumping her bag and shoes just beyond it, before walking into the small living room.
"How have you all been?" she asked, nervously. "Can I get you a drink?"
"No, thank you. I'd rather get to the point if that's okay with you."
Hermione's mouth quirked up. She had missed her friend's straight-to-the-point, no-bullshit attitude.
"Go ahead. Although I wouldn't mind sitting down. It's been a long day." She said and sat on the couch, Ginny beside her.
"I heard that you've broken up with-"
"Don't. Please don't mention his name. I'm trying to forget everything about him." She said, hastily.
"I can't say I'm sad to hear about it. You know how we all felt about him."
"I do. And Ginny, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you."
"Oh, Hermione, you don't need to apologise." Ginny took Hermione's hand in hers. "I'm just so glad you're okay. Relatively speaking. I just- I'm still worried about you."
"Why?" Hermione couldn't fathom any reason her old friends would worry about her, since the source of all their previous worry was out of the picture.
"I heard you've been spending time with Theodore Nott and I don't think that's a good decision."
Hermione removed her hand from Ginny's. She hadn't expected that.
"He's helping me."
"Hermione. He's taking advantage of you, can't you see that?"
"No he's not. He found me after I was dumped. He's been good to me."
"Hermione, be serious. This is Theodore Nott we're talking about. You remember? Slytherin? Death Eater? Social outcast?" Ginny raised her eyebrows.
"I'm well aware of who he was, Ginny. Who he is now though is someone different. He's helping me get back to who I was. Can't you see it, Ginny? I'm already feeling better."
"Please, just listen to me. Don't trust him. I've spoken to Harry and Ron and they think it's a bad idea."
"You've spoken to Harry and Ron about who I spend my time with?"
"Yes, Hermione. We're worried about you."
"You haven't worried about me in the last two years. Why now all of a sudden?"
"Of course we've worried about you! We just thought you didn't want to know! Especially after that argument we had about… you know. Theodore Nott is not to be trusted."
"Ginny, please. I'm not who I was when I was with him. I'm not going to let that happen again I promise. Nott's my friend!"
"Friend? He's a snake! He's a toad! He's-"
"Helping me find what I lost when I spent three years being emotionally abused by a man who never loved me!"
Ginny paused and stared at her, took her all in. This woman who she used to be so close with. This woman whom she now knew nothing about. All frizzy hair and big brown eyes and fighting for something – someone – she believed in. Funny how things always go around and around and around.
"All I'm saying is be careful." Ginny squeezed her hand gently as she got up and left. When she got to the door she turned. "I hope we can be in your life again, Hermione."
"I need a little more time." Hermione said softly. "But I hope so too."
~oOo~
After a little pressing from her, Theo told her the reason why he lived in such a small flat, with hardly any possessions. The small amount of money that he was meant to have inherited when he turned 18 was still in his father's name, and all his father's accounts had been seized. He had a little of his own savings but not enough to live his old comfortable life on. He couldn't get a job. No one would hire him. He had no skills in the Muggle world – he knew so little about it anyway he risked drawing attention to himself – and in the wizarding world, those on the right side of the war looked at him with downright disgust at worst and pale indifference at best. Those on the wrong side of the war hated him for defecting. People didn't see him as a human being. He was nothing more than an unwanted creature to most people. Something to turn your nose up at. Something to be discussed in hushed whispers, whether present or not. The irony was not lost on him that that was how he'd once treated certain people.
His mother was allowed to give him small monetary gifts occasionally, but they were closely monitored by the Ministry. He still saw Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini every so often, and they helped him out when they could without drawing attention to it. Blaise kept his head down working for the Ministry, not that he needed the money.
"What about Draco Malfoy?" she'd asked, when he mentioned them. "How has he managed to get away from the war scot-free?"
"He didn't getaway scot-free, Granger. You know he's just as disliked as any of us. He tries to make up for it – tries harder than I do to be liked – even though it doesn't work."
"But he's not whispered about in the streets. He's managed to keep his money and keep his name in the papers. Look how well his business did last year! How is that?"
"Frankly, Granger, there's my money and there's Malfoy money and Malfoy money seems to make any little problem go away. People are incredibly fickle when they're having money thrown at them. And Merlin, does he throw a lot. Nearly all his profits go to charities. The rest seems to be split between his mother and me."
She blanched. Sure, she had never hated Malfoy – not like Harry and Ron had – but she hadn't expected any of the Slytherins to be so… loyal.
"Can't he give you a job with his company? Even something small?"
He shook his head. "Can't be seen to be favouring ex-Death Eaters. The Ministry are very careful to keep an eye on all of us Death Eater kiddies. That's why we don't see each other much. It's just a fleeting visit here or a Floo call there."
"You miss them." It wasn't a question. Hermione saw that same look in Theo's eyes that she knew she held in her own eyes when her friends were a topic of conversation.
He nodded and she passed him the plate of biscuits on the table.
"And if you even think about returning that scarf, Granger, and giving me the money back for it, so help me Merlin, I will never forgive you. And don't say you hadn't thought of it because I know you. I know it was the first thing you thought of when I said I was basically broke."
She looked affronted and guilty at the same time, trying to pretend she hadn't thought of it. Because of course she had. He was right – he did know her. Little did she know, that it wouldn't be much longer until she knew herself.
~oOo~
"We should arrange something with Harry and all them. Dinner or something. Like old friends."
"We were never friends, Granger, you know that."
"Still, I think I'm ready to see them again and I'd like you there with me. I don't want to have to spend the night defending your honour. They should see how you are for themselves. If anything, they'll love you for helping me find myself again."
A pause.
"I'll go, because you asked me to. But I want it on the record that I don't think they'll want to be within a mile radius of me, and if anything goes wrong, I'm holding you personally responsible."
"Consider it on the record. I'll owl Ginny."
~oOo~
Dinner was surprisingly much better than Theo had anticipated. That is to say, it didn't go well by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't a complete disaster. It didn't end with anyone in St Mungo's, which, quite frankly, was what he'd been expecting. They decided to go to a restaurant – neutral ground was the phrase Hermione had used – and after the social niceties were done with at the start, no one spoke for a good half an hour. Admittedly, it hadn't been Hermione's best idea to take a group of war heroes and a social-outcast-slash-ex-Death-Eater to a public place for their first dinner, but she'd had such a spark in her eyes when she spoke of seeing them, that Theo hadn't wanted to put a downer on it, and so he'd kept his mouth shut. It also hadn't been her most well thought out idea, according to Theo anyway, because what he also hadn't anticipated would be that the dinner would end up in the gossip pages the next day. Hermione had anticipated it of course, and it was one of her main reasons for choosing that particular restaurant.
As he sat there, however, with the Golden Trio and Ginny Weasley, with everyone from the wait staff to the bartender to the couple in the corner sending dirty or confused looks their way, he wished he had said something.
It was Ginny that broke the silence, just as the waiter was clearing away the plates from the starter.
"So are you two together now? Like an item?"
Theo wasn't sure if he imagined the waiter pause slightly.
"No, we're just friends." Theo said as Hermione smirked at him in a very I-told-you-she-would-ask-that-question manner.
"Oh." Ginny looked almost disappointed, and Theo suspected that she kicked Harry's leg under the table, as he suddenly looked alert.
"So, Nott, what have you been up to lately? Where are you working at the moment?"
"Oh, um, I'm not working at the moment actually."
Ron scoffed and muttered something that sounded a lot like privileged bastard under his breath.
"Theo's just taking some time off at the minute, you know, figuring out what his plan is." Hermione said quickly. "What about you guys though? Harry, how's the Auror department now? I saw in the paper they got a new head? Robards?"
"Oh, yeah. He's great actually. He's being doing the job for years so he knows. He's reorganised everything and it's much better."
They spoke about work and people from school and their families throughout the main course. They distinctly avoided mentioning anything about the war. Theo didn't say much at all, opting instead to let the four of them catch up as old friends. He couldn't help but think how much better Hermione was doing, and even though the dinner was still awkward and the conversation stilted, how happy she looked to be around them again.
"Hermione, I heard your head of department is retiring soon. Any idea who's replacing him?" Harry asked.
"Actually, no. There's been a few rumours but nothing yet." She paused. "I was, um, actually thinking I might apply."
"What?" Theo asked. "You haven't mentioned this to me."
"I mean, I know I'd probably never in a million years get it, but-"
"Could be worth a shot." Ginny finished for her.
"Why haven't you mentioned this to me?" Theo asked.
"Does she have to tell you everything, Nott?" Ron said, eyebrows raised.
"No, not at all, Weasley."
"I didn't want you to think I was stupid for going for it." Hermione said quietly, looking at her plate.
"Impossible!" Theo said and placed his hand on top of the hand that was fiddling with the stem of her wine glass. "I could never think you stupid. I just thought you'd have mentioned it to me, but it's no problem that you didn't. You should go for it. You've been working there for six years, you know the ins and outs. What have you got to lose?"
He vaguely registered out of the corner of his eye, Ginny give Ron and Harry a pointed look. But then Hermione looked straight into his eyes and he forgot for a second that there were other people at the table.
"You think I should go for it?"
"It doesn't matter what I think. Do you want to go for it?"
She nodded. "I do. I'm going to do it. I'm going to apply."
The dinner was slightly less awkward after that. Ginny tried to engage a lot more with Theo. It wasn't until years later that Hermione told Theo about a time in her last relationship when she had mentioned applying for a promotion, and how she had been met with a response of: Why would you even bother applying? You're never going to get it. Honestly, they're looking for someone much more skilled than you. For obvious reasons, this had not sat well with Ginny or Harry or Ron and it had been the primary cause for the argument that ended their friendship.
Hermione told Theo that his reaction to her applying for that job was what had prompted Ginny's decision to look at him in a different way. To look beyond the mark on his arm and his rocky past. And, well, it didn't take Ginny long to make Harry see beyond it too. Ron took a little longer to accept him, but that was just Ron.
~oOo~
"I didn't get the job." Hermione said as she met Theo after work outside her favourite bookstore. They had agreed that the plan was, if she got the job, he'd buy her a congratulatory book, and if she didn't, he'd buy her a commiseration book.
"Ah, what? Did they say why?" He rubbed her arm affectionately.
"The person they hired has something like eight years management experience, so I can't really compete with that." She shrugged.
"It's their loss." He said and pulled her into a hug.
"But…" she said, and bit her lip.
"But?" he asked, his brows drawing together.
"But, they offered me a promotion."
"What? Are you serious, Granger?"
She nodded and her smile grew. That easy smile he'd come to adore.
"Congratulations!" he said and pulled her into a hug, almost swallowing some of her hair in the process. "I'm so proud of you! What's the job?"
"It's basically being my job's manager. They're expanding and taking on some new people, so they need an in-between manager apparently, and well, they offered it to me. I won't bore you with the details."
"Oh yes you will. I will insist upon it over dinner. But first, a congratulatory book is in order. Browse away, my dear." Theo smirked and pushed open the door to the bookstore, as the little bell rang overhead.
The owner, a woman with dark hair and green eyes came out of the back room and greeted them. "Hermione, darling! Good to see you! How is everything?"
Theo browsed the shelves as the two women spoke. After a little while, Hermione called him over, a grin plastered on her face. The same grin he would come to know meant she was planning something, and that he should either be worried or in awe.
"Lynda, this is Theodore Nott. Theo, Lynda. We worked together for a couple of years before Lynda opened this place."
"Pleasure." Theo said.
"Nice to meet you." Lynda said and smiled.
"Lynda, Theo's looking for work at the moment. You wouldn't consider him for an assistant, would you?"
Theo felt his face fall. It was one thing being looked at – he could deal with the looks – but outright rejected like he was about to be? It just hammered home how he really was an outcast.
Lynda appraised him for a moment, her eyes travelling over his face, his chest, his arms, lingering a little on his left forearm where his mark was covered up, right down to his feet.
"Are you punctual?" she asked, looking back into his eyes. He wasn't used to people looking him in the eye without insulting him.
"Uh- yes." He nodded.
"Then you start Monday. 10am. If there's anything there, it stays covered." She said, gesturing to his arm.
"Of- of course. Th-thank you." He stuttered, disbelieving.
"And no stuttering when you're speaking to customers." She scolded, but the warmth in her eyes and her genuine smile made Theo feel at ease. "Right, if you're buying anything, darling, I'm shutting up shop in ten."
They browsed for another ten minutes, Hermione insisting on buying Theo a congratulatory book also. When she met him after work on Monday evening, he hugged her so tight her feet left the floor. For a moment she thought something was wrong, but then he smiled, tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and said "Thank you. It's brilliant. I know it's only my first day, but nobody even gave me a second look."
And they went back to her flat, and made dinner and talked and laughed until they remembered the time and that they both had jobs now.
~oOo~
She was lying on the couch in her flat, reading one of her favourite books, her head on the arm of the chair and her feet in Theo's lap. Her eyes were getting heavy and she started to drift off when a memory came to her. Just a sentence really, a few words, to jolt her back into the presence and look curiously at the man next to her.
If you grant me one wish, Granger.
"You asked for a wish."
"Hm?" he asked, not taking his eyes from the book in his hand.
"When you first helped me."
"I don't follow."
"When he dumped me, and you took me up to your flat and you sat with me and you said you'd help me find who I was, the old me. You said you'd help me if I granted you one wish."
"Oh. That."
"What was it?"
"Oh, it doesn't matter."
"It matters to me, Theo. What was the wish?"
He sighed.
"God, this is embarrassing." He said without looking at her. "I- I wished I could be part of the world again without people muttering about me. I wished you'd see me as a real person."
He risked a glance at her and he saw her eyes were shiny.
"But I guess you granted my wish without even realising it, so you don't owe me anything."
She leaned forward and pressed her lips lightly to his.
"You even went a step further and got other people to see me as human too. You'll never know how grateful I am to you for that. You gave me a new life." He whispered and placed a finger under her chin.
She shook her head. "We gave each other a new life. And you'll never know how grateful I am to you for that. For helping me."
He kissed her once more, and then they both settled back to reading, the lazy Sunday afternoon sun painting the room in a soft golden colour.
~oOo~
It took them another year to realise what they really meant to each other, and to – in Ginny Weasley's words – get their heads out of their arses and do something about it.
They found a modest flat together. Harry even managed to use his sway with the Ministry to get them to back off a little so that Theo could see his old friends more often. Gatherings involving all of them didn't exactly go swimmingly, but they'd all grown up a lot, so it never ended with any big arguments.
To this day, she still finds herself looking in the mirror every so often, wondering what he sees in her, questioning whether she really is as smart or beautiful as he says. When he notices her doing it, he comes up behind her, kisses her cheek and says "Remember what you lost before and remember how much I love you." And she thinks back, and then she turns away from the mirror and the poisonous thoughts in her mind that still speak in his voice, and she returns his kiss and tells him she loves him right back. And they live, happily.