Go Ask Alice
In the deep, dark dead of the night, two ne'er do wells are thrust through the fabric of space-time reality, into a world of strange adventures, mystical enchantments…and ninjas. Warning: drugs and other inappropriate things.
"What on earth?" Alice complained as her bum collided with the solid ground, "I was sitting on my couch, as still as you please, and this is where it gets me?"
"Sho 'nuf," a voice complained back. She sat up and saw a towering young man with long features and a longer southern drawl standing over her.
"How on earth did we get here?" she demanded.
"We must have fallen through a portal to another dimension," the man answered, taking a drag from his cigarette and speaking as casually as if he were talking about the weather.
"I see," Alice said, getting to her feet, "I knew my extensive drug use and general lack of sense would get me here one day. I just didn't know it would be so soon."
The man stubbed out his cigarette on a poor tree that never did anything to anyone, and let out a whooping laugh. "Shoot, Alice! You don't even know where we're at."
"I said it, so it is true," Alice said, like a real asshole.
"Hey! You guys!" a short boy dressed in tacky orange gym clothes came running up to the pair. "Did you just use a teleport jutsu? I wanna do it! Can you teach me?"
"Bothersome boy," Alice said and flicked the boy on the forehead, "It's a good thing that I have this babel fish in my ear. If I didn't, your words would be so much meaningless blather. Come the think of it, they still are."
"Whatever, lady" the boy said grumpily, "Can you teach me that jutsu or what?"
"Hey kid," the man interrupted, "You're young and you're ignorant. I'll let it slide this time, but that kind of language is no good where we come from."
"You're no good where you come from!" the boy yelled. Then he stuck out his tongue and ran away laughing.
Alice watched the boy retreat with haughty, indifferent eyes, "This village is balls. Let's go the next one. Perhaps then we may teleport back to our own dimension."
"Dig it," confirmed the man, falling into step behind her.
An incalculable period of time passed after they left the Village Hidden in the Leaves, although they didn't know that was its name. The time was also unknown, because neither had thought to put on a watch that morning.
"We have been traveling forever and a day!" Alice complained, for she never tires of complaining. She will do so many more times in this chapter alone.
"SHO 'NUF" roared her companion. He was extra mad because in addition to putting up with her off-putting attitude, he also had to carry both of their bags.
"We were wise to bring those bags with us. Don't drag them so, Toby."
The man, who it turns out is named Toby, hitched the bags up his arm. "Let's give credit where credit is due, now. Toby thought of that idea."
"A. You needn't be so proud that your name was finally mentioned, and B. I absorbed your idea and made it my own. Your foolish idea was to pack emergency parcels in case of alien invasion. My idea was to tie the bags to our ankles so they would not float away."
"Sho nuf," Toby mumbled. "Hey what's that?"
"I am a man, you silly person," the thing answered. "What are you doing here?"
"We are minding our own business, as you should," Alice answered snootily, "but since your body is so fierce, I will tell you after all. Idiot, this place is strange and unfamiliar to us. You are all a bunch of racists and you dress poorly. We seek the means to travel back to our own dimension, which is superior in all ways."
"Name one," said the stranger cheekily, "Name one way that your dimension is better than ours."
"First of all, it just is. Second, I have a large swimming pool – you don't have one of course, seeing as you are so very poor." Alice told him, "Third, and most importantly, our marijuana are back there."
"Oh like this?" the man, who they now liked very much, pulled a small bag from his person (I won't tell you where). "We have plenty of that. And for the record, my pool has a diving board…and two slides."
"Sir," Alice said humbly, for once in her life, "We have underestimated you and your dimension. Forgive us and give us some of that herbal stuff?"
"Sho nuf" the man answered, throwing them the bag, "Forgive me, I meant to say 'Sure enough.' I don't know what came over me. There's more behind that rock, coincidentally."
"That is a coincidence, good sir," Alice agreed, "Since we will also be taking it."
"I expect a cut," the man said, "Don't take all of it either. My boss is a real pain in the you-know-what when he doesn't get his medicine on a regular basis."
"I'm very sorry to hear all of those things. Especially the part about giving you a cut." Alice frowned at the man she had once loved more than anything else in the world.
"Well I'm afraid that's part of the deal. If you take that stuff and sell it then you can come back and get more. See? Logic." The man tapped his head importantly, making a serious, thoughtful face.
"I see," Alice and Toby said in unison, making the exact same face. For several seconds, they all just stood there making faces.
"What are you waiting for?" the dude said, "It shouldn't be hard to sucker some people into buying our product."
"What are you saying?" said Toby angrily, for he felt left out of the conversation.
"Never you mind," the man said mysteriously. "If I may make a completely unrelated suggestion, I say go to the Leaf Village first. There are plenty of young kids looking for a good time in that town."
"Where be the town you speaketh of?" Alice asked, adjusting her bra strap.
"It's an immeasurable distance back that way," the man told them, "Now get going."
"Frickin hell!" yelled Toby. "We were just there!"
"So be it. Er…wait. Can you teach us the teleport jutsu?" said Alice.
"Sho…I mean sure enough."
The three people in the story went and smoked some drugs after that. Then, they proceeded to teach and be taught their new jutsu, respectively.
"Got it," said Alice after only five minutes of training (the guy without a name was wearing a watch).
"Fortunately you have a remarkable aptitude for jutsu, for some unexplained reason," the guy I just mentioned said, "I wonder if that will be involved in the inevitable plot twist."
"Just you wait," said Alice as she and Toby swirled into nothingness.
And then reappeared, a time later, in the Hidden Leaves village (or whatever it's called)
"Hidden leaves," snickered Toby, "I wonder what they were thinking of when they founded this place."
"Leave it to you, Toby, to say something stupid like that," said Alice loftily, whacking him with her long, mousy brown hair. "Now let's 'get her done' as they say back home."
"Home," repeated Toby wistfully, following her into the village.
They walked past security without being hassled because I said so and because they were really sneaky while, at the same time, completely visible.
"Who were those guys?" asked one of the guards asked the other.
"What?" said the second, "Man, do I have a killer headache. Hangovers are the pits."
"I told you not to party so hard," the first guard said snarkily, "Also I told you not to say pits because it's totally lame."
"The word lame is lamer than the word pits," retorted the second guard.
In the ensuing brawl, the mysterious visitors were soon forgotten and thus faded into obscurity, which just so happens to be where Shikamaru lives.
"Hey Shikamaru," said Alice, running up to him, "What's up?"
"What the hell? How do you know my name?"
Alice stooped over the once-sleeping figure in the middle of a pretty field.
"We will burn this place to the ground if you–" Toby began, joining them at that point.
"Shut-up Toby! Not yet! We were personally referred to you by…well I don't recall his name, but his booty was something else."
"I know what you mean," said Shikamaru, "I mean, I know who you mean."
"Of course you do!" Alice nodded, "You're only his biggest and bestest customer. So how about buying some more from us?"
"Why would I do that?"
Toby laughed as a lovely butterfly landed on the tip of his nose and filled him with a profound sense of joy.
"Now Toby!" Alice screeched.
"Oh… We will burn this place to the ground if you–"
"Fine," said Shikamaru shortly, "Just give me an ounce. Damnit."
"We appreciate your business…as they also say in our dimension," she said, turning to her traveling companion. They shared a look of tearful anguish that lasted an immeasurable amount of time.
"Five minutes," said Shikamaru, stretching his back as he is known to do. "Did you say your dimension?"
"Cut out the calisthenics," Alice said impatiently, throwing a very small bag at his head. "No one wants to see that. And yes, I did say dimension. We travel from afar for some unexplained reason."
"Whatever," Shikamaru yawned and went back to his sleeping.
"He sure is a lazy guy," Toby said to Alice and they went off in search of more stoners.
"Hey lady! Hey, how about it lady? Can you teach me that jutsu? I'm a really hard worker!"
"Calm down, you hot mess," Alice yelled, completely annoyed at being spoken to in such a flippant tone, "I will never teach you. Oh wait, on second thought I will."
"I'm going to be hokage!"
"Great," Alice told him sternly, "Anyway. Your training begins now. The problem with you is that you're too tense. High strung, you know what I mean? You need to ease up like that Shikamaru kid."
"No way!"
"I shall slap him!" cried Toby, rushing forward.
"No," Alice put her arm out to stop him, "I shall slap him with my words of truth."
"Right on," agreed Toby, as he is known to do.
"Listen up, jerk-off," said Alice, "I am your teacher and you must do everything I say or else."
"Got it!" said the little pain in the ass, "My name is Naruto and I'm going to be hokage!"
"Shut it," said Alice, producing a perfectly rolled joint from Toby, who doesn't deserve credit.
"Yes sensei!"
Unfortunately, one of the main side effects of smoking pot is laziness and memory impairment.
"What were we…were we…what?" Naruto said half an hour later as they lay comfortably, "Is someone talking?"
"No," talked Alice. "Hey what is that?" A shadow fell over her face, blocking her view of the blue sky. Yes, it's morning now. So what?
"It's me," said Shikamaru "Geez. How much did you smoke?"
"How much did your mother smoke?" asked Toby innocently, "And incidentally, who are you?"
"Someone is talking. Stoner-sensei, you're a liar."
"Oh man," grumbled Shikamaru, "Don't tell me you got Naruto mixed up in all this too?"
"Who is Naruto?" said Naruto.
"He means metaphysically," added Alice as Shikamaru painstakingly raised one eyebrow. "Don't overexert yourself, there."
"I followed you because," Shikamaru paused as if that part of the sentence alone was enough to make lose his breath, "it's such a drag, but I thought you might be up to something."
"Shikamaru how do you do it?" Naruto asked, coming to his senses somewhat.
"Do what?" asked Shikamaru, sitting next to him on the grass because it was just too much work to keep standing.
"I'm supposed to relax. They told me I need to be more like you to do the teleport jutsu. Is this? What? Are we talking?"
"You're relaxed enough," said Shikamaru wisely (and concisely).
Naruto simply giggled. Inwardly though, he was wondering about the meaning of all things, including himself and his purpose in this reality. Meanwhile, he wanted a bowl of ramen.
"Shikamaru," said Toby, because he enjoyed the feel of it on his tongue, "Shiiii-kuh-maar-ooo."
"Shikamaru," said Alice, "Go and round up some of your friends who have interest in our trade of reality for money."
"Sounds like a drag," said Shikamaru.
"Shiiii-kuh-maar-ooo," said Toby.
"Shiiii-kuh-maar-ooo," said Naruto.
"Now, Toby!" screamed Alice suddenly.
""Oh… Wait I remember, let me think. Um…we will burn this place to the ground if you–"
"Damnit," said Shikamaru, "I guess I better do it to protect the leaf. Naruto, are you going to help or what? Two people can do it in half the time it takes one."
"That's what she said," said Alice and Toby in unison, before exchanging another meaningful glance.
"You are all talking," said Naruto, "Am I talking? Am I here? Who am I?"
"Well he'd be more trouble than help, although that's usually the case."
As Shikamaru walked away, Alice raised her head and called after him, "Make sure you bring back a lot of customers!"
"Yeah whatever," answered Shikamaru, muttering under his breath, "Women always have to get the last word. Geez."
"He's our bitch," giggled Alice.
"You too?" asked Naruto mildly as they all stared up at the clouds, which were drifting so peacefully overhead.