My Good King
"I never meant to hurt him I swear. But revenge is the greatest motivator. It changes people. It had rendered me unrecognizable."
He was a man that I had known for a long time, since the days of my youth. People always said that he was a good man and I believed them. I was not wise in the ways of the world as I am today.
He was a good neighbor to my family and my father's oldest friend…my father must have loved him I think. He wept when he saw what I had done to him. My father no longer knows me now, he has no daughter.
I wish I could remember their faces-my King says that I should not even remember them ever being. My good King says that I should forget and enjoy the wondrous place he has granted me. May he forever be praised, my most generous King.
I remember somewhat. Even though I shouldn't disobey my King-but I cannot help it! I remember voices and sensations…smells and touches, like the gentle ones that came from my mother.
I remember most clearly the day of my death. It was a sunny day-I remember the heat of the sun on my skin, I remember the fresh taste of cool water on my tongue. It had started out a good day. My mother sent me and my brothers to Neighbor's house. He would come with us to the market near the seaside. It was no concern to my mother that we went with him. She trusted him after all. He was like a brother to my parents-like an uncle to me and my brothers.
The walk…oh yes. The market, every sensation I recall is so rich there. And so many of them too! Even the voices are more vivid. My good King says that I remember more from there because it is close to my death. He says to me that people that carry their memories into his realm (which is a rarity, according to him) always seem to carry the ones that lead up to the point of their demise. He is wise, my Master.
My brothers (May they live to be old men) ran off as I do not hear them anymore. I remember wanting to follow them to make sure that they are safe. Neighbor's hand was tightly onto mine. He led me away from the noises and the smells, away into the winding allies of the seaside village. He led me away into complete silence, from that moment I remember fear.
Neighbor's voice was thick with emotion. It sounded like pain, but it didn't limit him. Instead it made him more…aware. Here was a man I had known for all my life and here he harbored lust for me. My good King was angry when I spoke of that instant. He explained to me what lust was, and how dangerous it can be.
Neighbor had sworn under his breath when he looked at me, he seemed torn but lust, being as my good King explained made him forget himself and so he descended onto me.
I remember the pain that came with Neighbor's body into mine-he cried out too, but my good King explained to me that it was in pleasure, unlike my cries which were ripped out of me by agony.
Neighbor soon exhausted himself and let me go. Right there in the back of an alley I was laying, my clothing in shreds and the wholeness of me destroyed. In my eyes, my family's good and friendly neighbor was a monster. I felt nothing but disgust and hate-the hate was overwhelming. It became a part of me-it was like the breath to my exhausted lungs, my beautiful rage. I reveled in her for she made me strong. She gave me the will to stand up.
Neighbor had begged for forgiveness, he had begged me not to tell anyone. He praised me, he praised my intelligence and my beauty and told me that he loved me and that was what had just come too pass-an act of love that was mine and his.
My good King, because his wisdom is great said otherwise-he says to me only truth and for that I love him.
I fled back to the home of my father. I wanted to tell him what had come to pass but I was afraid, and shame burned inside me along with my rage at my weakness. I filled the large brass basin that my mother washed my brothers in with water and I plunged myself inside it. I remember it's screeching as I dragged it across the floor, the scream of brass against stone.
I submerged my head under the water. The stillness was comforting, and the water soothed my shame, but not my rage. By the time I left the comfort of the basin I had known what I must do.
I never meant to hurt him I swear. But revenge is the greatest motivator. It changes people. It had rendered me unrecognizable. I snuck into his house that night like a shadow. I was intangible in the darkness- I know that it was darkness because the sun no longer warmed my face, and also because the night always had certain liquidity…
I found him inside his bed curled up like a beast, feeling for his form in the dark-feeling the sheets underneath my hands, each thread intertwined with the next- his smell-disgusting and sickening to my nose.
I remember the cold metal of my father's knife in my hand-the one my mother had ordered me and my brothers to never touch, lest we get hurt.
It soothed my shame like the cool water, that blade. It was light as a feather in my hand, and soon, without hesitation I plunged it inside Neighbor. I violated him the same way he violated me. His blood was boiling on my face and hands. It was all I could feel, smell and even taste. I was satisfied, and with my rage gone I was tired. I wanted to sleep for a long time after that.
Slowly I made my way to my father's house and to the sweet comfort of my bed. I had righted the wrong done to me and all was well, or so I thought.
The morning brought with itself a pounding on our door. Neighbor's body had been found mauled, as if by a beast. My father was in tears but even through his grief he recognized the guilty-me. He must have smelled Neighbour's blood on me. I would know no mercy from my father, whom I so dearly loved.
I ran away from him, my clothing still soiled with blood I ran through the city and the seaside market. I went back to the alley where Neighbor had sealed his own fate. Father had followed me there, his sword drawn ready to end me-I heard him unsheathing it. I begged him to see what was real, yet in his grief he saw only me as a murderess. Lady Justice had not looked after me that day.
My father only stood there in silence, confused I imagine as I recalled to him my tragedy. He refused to believe that Neighbor was capable of such an act. Father must have looked away from me. I was a shame to him. In my hand I carried his blade. Instantly I plunged it into myself, the pain from it making me forget the pain of betrayal. I heard my father cry out…perhaps he never intended to end me…I think I remember his voice begging me…my beloved Sophia…do not die…but now I recall no more…and Neighbor…he must be in pain right now, being punished by my good King for his crime.
My good King, when I entered his realm, he was good to me. He told me that he had been expecting me. My good King promised to keep me safe always and that if I chose to remain with him I would never again know pain. I believe him. My second existence is good in the palace of my King. I am…content with him. I welcome his touch gladly, for it is gentle. Never shall I leave him; never shall I feel such love as I do for him.