Nothing but the Hat

AvalonReeseFanFics

A/N: So this here is a One-Shot that is dedicated to Runningwyld. This is the Christmas present I wrote for you :D It's my very first McDanno slash fic, and I tried really hard to mix my usual angst with a cute fluffy ending. So be gentle! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, please tell me what you think. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! And I look forward to all the fluffy one-shots you're gonna write in the future xxxoooo

The deafening boom, the following shock wave that had hit him so hard he actually fell over, and the whoosh that took his breath away. But above all, Steve's frantic pleas. Name it Steve's so even if we're not together… we're still together.

These were things that replayed in his mind. Over and over again. Steve actually thought they weren't going to make it. Or at least, that he wasn't going to make it. And that scared Danny, because Danny was the pessimistic one, not Steve. Danny was the one who'd hit him with the realism and said things like "I'm not ready." – "I hate you." – or his personal favourite: "You're going to get me shot!" To hear that pessimism coming for the ever optimistic Steve had been jarring.

It had been a month after that dirty bomb went off and Steve had been acting like nothing shorter than a crazy person.

He was skipping doctor's appointments, being extra irrational and extra reckless, which Danny didn't think was possible.

All accumulating to this moment.

Steve was going to jump off the goddamn Tetsuo Harano Tunnel and onto a moving truck. Only McGarrett could think that this was a good idea. Only McGarrett could think he'd survive this. Kiss that piece of his liver good-bye because it was going to splatter all over the pavement when Steve inevitably fucked this up.

And if by some miracle Steve did survive this, Danny was going to strangle him with his own bare hands.

Steve was currently trekking up the jungle side to get into position on the tunnel. Danny was waiting on the H-3 to be in pursuit once Steve jumped, if he survived the jump that is. He had been pacing. Worried did not cover the emotion roiling around in his stomach. He was so afraid for Steve he was sure he was going to vomit.

"Steve I got something to say," Danny told him. He could hear Steve's groan. Could picture the eye roll that went with it.

"Again?" Steve's aggravated voice came back at him. Was this the last time they'd have one of these arguments? Would this be the last time that Danny and Steve ever talked? Was this really how he wanted their last conversation to go? No. But maybe, just maybe he could convince Steve to stop.

"Yes, again. Okay?" he snapped. "Nobody ever listens to me. If you wanna die today, that's what you wanna do, I'm fine with it."

That was a lie.

"Can't you just say good luck?" Steve asked.

Okay. Yeah. He could. But Danny didn't want to say good luck. He didn't want good luck to be the last thing he said to the man he was pretty sure he was… God. That wasn't the point. He didn't want Steve to die. He didn't want Steve to injure himself even further. The man was practically put together with duct tape and stitches. Any more injuries and he'd be past broken.

Danny would still love him, but he knew Steve wouldn't be able to cope with that.

"No. I can't say good luck, because the only way that luck plays a part in any of this is if you end up paralyzed instead of dead," Danny snapped.

"I appreciate the encouragement, Danny," Steve sighed. He was done grunting which meant that he had reached the assent. He was where he needed to be to jump onto that truck.

Be advised, suspect is now less than a mile out.

Jerry. Fucking Jerry. Why couldn't he have said that suspect had crashed the truck. Or that suspect had decided to surrender?

Danny had gone silent. He couldn't think of anything else to say. His best friend was going to launch himself off a building, fall a couple stories and hope to god that he landed on a moving target. He didn't want to watch that. He didn't want to think of what could happen if Steve was even a second off. He wanted to beg Steve to stop, tell him that they'd find another way. Any way. Just please, please don't do it.

"Chef's hat."

Danny blinked his eyes. "Excuse me?"

"The gift, it's a chef's hat with your name on it," Steve told him. The question was why. Danny said he'd open it with Steve when all of this was over. Why was he jumping the gun?

"Why are you telling me this?" Danny asked. Why did he get he feeling that something was wrong?

"Well… you know… I just… I just thought you could use it for Steve's," he admitted and Danny almost swore. For several reasons.

"All right, look, my restaurant is under no circumstances going to be called Steve's," he reminded him. This was the longest running argument the two of them had ever had, and Steve had to know by now that Danny was not going to relent on this. Just like Danny should have realized that Steve wasn't going to relent either. But Danny finally realized why Steve was jumping the gun. "And you're gonna know that because you're gonna be there, because you're not gonna die today, okay? Just don't… you know… you're not gonna… just no dying today, okay?"

It scared Danny to realize that Steve was scared too. He listened carefully to the silence, where he could hear Steve carefully trying to mask his panting. The man was tired and let's face it they were both getting old. He was trying not to show it, but this stunt… even this stunt was scaring the infamously unafraid Steven McGarrett, which meant that Danny was going to have to stop guilting him, stop trying to talk sense into him and instead bolster his confidence.

Because under no circumstances could Steve actually die today. Because then Danny might be forced to do something rash. Like actually name his restaurant Steve's.

"You!... I thought you said…" Steve thundered and Danny shook his head and interrupted whatever stupidity was coming out of Steve's face. Really, out of all the times to take his ranting to heart, he took it on his most dangerous stunt? What the hell was wrong with this man?

"I know what I said," Danny snapped pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose to try and calm himself down. "And I said it because I'm trying to talk you out of it. Obviously, it's not gonna work, okay? So…"

He lapsed into silence again. He couldn't help it. He knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Steve the truth. He wanted to tell him how he had been feeling. How he had been feeling for a long time. But just like Steve, he was scared. He was scared this was the last time they'd talk. He was scared this was their last case together. He was scared that Steve wouldn't feel the same way and everything between them would change and never go back to the way things were.

Alright. Suspect is now in the tunnel. Al his current rate of speed, he'll be out the other side in less than 30 seconds.

"Copy that," came from Steve.

Danny winced. 30 second was not enough time to tell a man how you feel. 30 seconds was not enough to admit that he had been lying for god knows how long and that somewhere along the line Steve had stopped being his best friend and started being something else.

"Good luck, alright?" Danny said. "Good luck."

He wanted to say more. God. He wanted to. But his throat was paralyzed. The words were stuck there. He couldn't spit them out. He just couldn't.

"Thanks partner," Steve answered and Danny felt a different set of words rise to his throat.

Please don't do this!

But he didn't say them.

Okay, Commander, get ready. The target is approaching the exit. Prepared to jump in five…

Oh god this was it.

…four…

Fucking man up Danny, tell him… tell him…

...three…

Steve was always so brave. He could be brave too… he could…

…two…

Danny closed his eyes and prayed to any god that would listen that Steve would be alright.

One.

And then Steve jumped.

H5O-H5O-H5O-H5O

I'm good, I'm good.

That was what he said when he landed on that truck. He had survived. They had saved the girls, but Steve was not good.

He had listened to Steve after he had landed. The panting that came from him. He was either injured or extremely sick. Also, the guy inside the truck had actually managed to deal him damage, the indomitable Steve McGarrett had almost lost a fight and that was not like him at all.

Now they were at Jerry's I-Finally-Got-A-Badge party, Danny had put on his Chef's hat and was wearing it proudly for all to see and Steve was spending it most of in the bathroom. This being a problem because Charlie needed to pee and Steve was hogging the only washroom.

Steve knocked again. "Hey buddy come on. We gotta a potty emergency out here," he called and then smiled down to Charlie who was bouncing for dear-life. "Keep bouncing buddy it'll be okay."

Steve came out fully grimacing in pain. He was swallowing back something, the toilet was flushing and he a towel in his hand. Danny was not a happy camper, Danny was immediately concerned.

"I'm sorry, Charlie boy. Come on," he said pushing Charlie into the washroom.

"Hey, uh, don't uh, don't touch anything. You gotta flush the toilet, wash your hands afterward," he listed off, because it was keeping him from jumping down Steve's throat.

"Danny, he knows what to do," Steve said, his voice hoarse. Danny's attention was on him now that was something Steve shouldn't have done. Now that he was in front of him, now that Danny was really looking he could see that Steve's face was flushed, his skin had a sheen of sweat. He was either sick or he was exercising in the damn washroom.

And judging by the size of the thing that was highly unlikely.

The door shut behind Charlie and the concern flew out of Danny's face faster than a bat out of hell. "What's the matter? You all right?"

It was test. Danny already knew Steve wasn't all right, but he was going to give him the chance to answer truthfully, and if he lied Danny was going to hog-tie him and drag him to the ER.

"Nice hat," Steve said. He said it every time he saw Danny in it.

"Thanks," Danny answered immediately. "Don't change the subject. You all right?"

Steve sighed. "Yeah… uh… I've been getting these spells," he admitted.

Firstly, Danny was impressed. Steve hadn't lied. He had actually opted to tell Danny what was wrong for a change. Secondly, he had not said good things and now Danny was both concerned and worried.

"Spells?" Danny echoed.

"Look, I lied to you about going to the doctor. I didn't go to the doctor about my liver," Steve said. Oh so he wasn't lying now but he had lied before. If his liver wasn't the problem what the hell was he going to the doctor for? What the hell were the pills for? Danny stared at him hard. Was Steve really sick and hadn't told him? "I just haven't been feeling so great so he ran some test last week."

And then he left it there. Like that was an okay answer. Like that answer didn't raise even more questions.

"And?" Danny urged.

Steve's eye widened, he clearly didn't want to tell Danny, but now he had no choice. "And… well… I've had a little radiation poisoning from that dirty bomb that we defused a couple months back. It's fine."

In only Steve's world could he use the words radiation poisoning and dirty bomb in the same sentence as its fine. It was obviously not fine.

"But the pills you've been seeing me take, that's a short-term thing. It's gonna knock it out," he said.

Danny really stared at him while he digested this information. Steve really believed that this was okay. Steve really thought that telling him that he had radiation poisoning, that he was taking pills to deal with the short-term effects, was okay. That Danny wouldn't worry. That his heart wouldn't launch up into his throat.

To think that Steve had been keeping that from him. He could have helped. He would have lectured the idiot, but he would have helped after.

"Short term," Danny whispered. "Okay, so what, it… long term, is there any… what? I mean, what is it?"

They needed to get a head of this. They needed to figure out a plan for long-term, cause short-term had Steve looking like hell, what the hell was long-term going to have him looking like.

"Come on, Danny. You ask ten of these guys they're all going to have different opinions," he said.

Okay. So he did not get good news then.

"Okay. But what did this doctor say?" he probed.

"He said he's almost a hundred percent sure that there's gonna be some side effects down the road," he admitted and he did not look happy to be doing so. In fact he kept his eye very far away from Danny's which meant Danny could stare at him. Could watch the way his jaw moved as he talked, watched the way it hurt him to swallow and could see the pain and fear shining in his partner's eyes. When he turned back to him the look was gone and Steve was trying to smile, trying to be optimistic. "But you know, Danny, we're talking years down the road. Okay? Not today. I'm fine right now. This is nothing."

But this wasn't nothing. This wasn't nothing at all. Not to Danny. Steve might as well have told him he was dying.

"Will you make me a drink, please? Come on. We got a lot to celebrate," he said. He was trying to play this off and at that party, Danny was going to let him do it. Steve slapped a hand to his face and said: "Come on, I love you, can you make a drink please?"

Yes. And Danny loved him too. That was the problem. Danny loved that stupid man and that stupid man had gone and gotten himself sick. How did this work into their retirement plan? How did this work into the life Danny was certain they were going to settle into?

Steve walked away from him and into the kitchen and Danny watched him go. He couldn't make a scene here, not with Charlie in the washroom. Not with all of them trying to have a good time and celebrate Jerry. But this was not over. This was far from over.

Danny just needed time to think about what he was going to do.

H5O-H5O-H5O-H5O

Danny had done some research. He didn't like what he found. Radiation poisoning was most commonly known as Radiation sickness.

As Steve's symptoms took a few weeks to manifest, they could say that his dose wasn't strong enough to be immediately lethal. But as it took only a few weeks for it to manifest they could easily say that Steve's illness could come back. Maybe in a few days, maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years. But the scariest symptom, the scariest side effect, was cancer. This poisoning could cause cancer in Steve's bone marrow.

And there wasn't really much they could do to stop it except keep on top of it so that when it happens they can get him that transplant right away.

This led him to the moment he was in right now. Standing on Steve's stoop in the middle of the night knocking on the door.

Steve answered in his usual outfit. No shirt, board shorts, bleary eyed and sleepy, gun in his hand from years of paranoia. "Danny what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" he asked. He peered past him and into the darkness in case someone was hunting Danny. "Is everything okay? Grace? Charlie"

"Yeah, no, they're all alright," Danny said pushing past Steve and his gloriously ripped chest and into the house. Steve shut the door behind him and put the gun on the side table. "Yeah, it's uh… it's me that's not okay."

Steve's eyebrows furrowed with concern. "You? What happened?"

"Look, I've… uh… I've got something big to say and I think… I think you should sit down," he said. "And maybe put a shirt on cause that's distracting."

Steve looked down to the planes of his chest and then back up to Danny. It was clear on his face that he didn't know what was happening. "Uhhh…"

"You know what, forget it," Danny said, "Just sit down."

Steve obliged, clearly confused, but he did as he was told sitting on the couch and staring up at Danny with those impossibly blue eyes.

"You uh… you fucking threw me for a loop today, buddy," Danny said. "Hit me right out of the park. I don't know how you could possibly look me in the eye and tell me that you have radiation poisoning and think that I'd be okay."

"Danny… I…" Steve started but Danny wasn't going to let him talk.

"No. Steve. Have you even looked at the side effects? The long-term effects? Because I did," he cried. "I did and I'm fucking terrified. And I'm not even the one who's going to deal with it. How can you possibly be so calm about this?"

"Because I have to be," Steve answered in a soft voice. The because you won't be was silently implied but Danny heard it loud and clear.

"But you know what hurts the most, Steve?" he asked. "You didn't tell me. You were going through this all by yourself and you didn't think to tell me."

"I didn't want to worry you," Steve answered.

"Well I am worried, Steven," Danny said. This was it he was going to do it. "I worry about you every day. I worry even when you tell me not to, even though I've watched you do a million crazy stunts, I worry and I'm scared. I'm scared for you. I'm scared to lose you. Because… I… I… Iloveyou."

Steve took that in and nodded. "Yeah, I love you too, buddy."

Danny winced. No that was not the point. That was not what he meant by that.

"No. Steve… I love you," Danny clarified. For a minute Steve just stared at him, clearly not getting it and then it clicked. Steve straightened, a silent oh on his perfectly kissable lips.

"Look, I know, you know. I know that this… that this could make things weird. But I just… with what we're staring at right now, with the radiation and… I just… I just thought I'd tell you. Because… we don't… we don't have a lot of time. You're doing crazy things all the time, you're probably going to get me shot, and the radiation poisoning could kill you. I just… I just wanted to tell you," he said in a hurried tone, no longer looking at him but instead at his toes. "You don't have to say anything… you don't have to feel the same way I just…"

Danny was cut off by Steve's hands on his shoulders. He looked up, surprised to find that Steve was staring down at him with bright shining blue eyes. A look on his face that gave Danny the barest whisper of hope.

"I love you too," Steve said. "I honestly… I honestly thought that you'd never feel the same way."

Danny's breath literally left his body. Steve… what? Really? "Okay look, if this is some practical joke…"

Steve wasn't having any of that. He captured Danny's face between his hands and then kissed him, soft but demanding at the same time. A chaste peck, but Danny's stomach became nothing more than a typhoon of butterflies.

Steve pulled away, Danny's hands went to his wrists to hold him in that position and they smiled at one another.

"Do you want to know the real reason I didn't tell you about the radiation?" Steve asked in a low voice.

"Sure," Danny breathed back, still not sure this was happening. Danny had had some liquid courage before knocking on Steve's door and all he could think of at that moment was licking the outline of Steve's abs. But he'd have to settle with just this small contact because he was sure, at any moment, he'd wake up from the dream he was having.

"I didn't tell you because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to resist telling you the truth," he admitted. "I was afraid that if I told you, that I'd also tell you how I felt and ruin everything between us, because honestly… I am scared. I'm scared that I'm really sick, I'm scared of what that means for me down the road, and I was scared that if I told you how I felt and you didn't feel the same way, I'd lose you. And couldn't be sick and lose you… I just… I just couldn't."

The fact that Steve was standing there, shirtless, holding Danny's face and admitting his feelings, when Steve McGarrett would literally rather chew cyanide instead of talking about his feelings was reeling. This had to be the happiest day of his goddamn life. He used his grip on Steve's wrists to pull him back down to him so he could kiss him all over again.

"You're not gonna lose me, babe," he whispered against Steve's lips. "I'm not going anywhere."

Steve boyish grin made it hard for Danny to continue kiss him, but they found a way. After a few minutes of fevered kisses and wandering hands Steve came apart to rest his forehead against Danny's. That giant grin still on that handsome face of his. God, Steve was particularly breathtaking today.

"Did you bring the chef's hat?" Steve asked breathlessly between kisses.

"It's in the car, why?" Danny asked.

"Because I'm kinda liking the idea of you in my bed in nothing but that hat," Steve said with a wicked grin on his lips.

Danny kissed him harder, kissed that wicked grin right off Steve's lips and onto his. Now that was something he could get behind.