Er, if you haven't seen Season 4 and don't know what the story is regarding um... things... do not even read my disclaimer if you don't want to be spoiled.

Disclaimer: Not mine but trust me, if they were the current powers that be would soooooooo be looking for new jobs!!! Better yet, they'd be asking, 'Would you like fries with that?" Not that I'm bitter about them kicking a certain actress off the show – despite what they are now claiming… er, wait, this is just the disclaimer.

Spoilers: random for the first 3 seasons and the first 2 eps of Season 4.

Category: Shweir. Angst.

Author: Traci

Summary: John's thoughts and actions and a surprise after the events of 'Lifeline'.

Author's Note: Um, I think I said it all in the above disclaimer but let me once again re-iterate – NOT happy with what TPTB did and how they did it – behind the scenes and on screen. Meanwhile, I am still profusely happy with Dick Wolf for Criminal Intent and he, I suspect, knows why :-). Let us hope he does NOT take lessons from the Atlantis powers or that TPTB at Atlantis are whipped into shape by him and/or Chris Carter. Okay, think I'm done with my ranting now. Maybe. We'll see. Oh, and I know some of the quotes from past episodes aren't exact but it's 1am and I really can't look them up right now – sorry.

Also, I'm sure this title has been used for other fan fictions so I apologize to any who may have already used it.

I Will Find You

"I'll find her," he told her. Wanting nothing more than to be left alone, he walked away without a word. There was only one other place he would be able to find quiet. There was only one other place on Atlantis that both had considered to be 'their place'.

He had found it while exploring the city on his own a few months earlier. It was purely accidental but it was perfect. 'Their' balcony had become too busy so when he told her about his find, she was more than happy to follow him.

The door opened and he stepped outside, alone for the first time, onto their 'other' balcony. A shiver ran through him. Part of him still sensed her standing there beside him. Tears he had been holding back finally started to break free and he barely made it to the railing before he sank to the floor and broke down. Hearing Rodney trying to page him, John ripped out his earpiece. Nothing could be more important than him being allowed to mourn his loss. His loss of Elizabeth.

'I thought you were…' she had said.

He stared at her. ' Yeah, I thought the same about you. We have to stop doing that.'

She had smiled. ' I'd like that.'

In all the scenarios that had played out in his mind or they had talked about, he had never imagined she would be the first to d… John shook his head. She was not dead. If she were truly dead he would have known. The tears continued to fall. He could still see her pleading with him not to go on what they were sure was going to be a suicide mission and yet, had given him her permission to go. He could still hear her voice in his head as she begged Kolya not to let the Wraith feed upon him. He could still see her fighting back a smile when he surprised her with a gift on her birthday. Most precious of all – he could still feel her arms around him when he had returned from that same suicide mission. Mentally he kicked himself for not fully returning the hug but she had shocked him and now…. now he wished for nothing more than to feel her in his arms again. Breathing. Smiling. Laughing.

I know you'll find me, John.

His head shot up out of his hands and he looked around. "Elizabeth?"

They'll keep me alive as long as they think they can get information from me.

It was in his mind. He was hearing her in his mind. That could not be a good sign. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked in his mind, Is that really you?

Yes. I can't keep this connection for long though. I… I'm sorry. I figured it might be the only way to keep a connection to you. I… I figured out a way to pass a few inactive nanites into you before Rodney reprogrammed everything.

Will… will we be able to talk whenever we want to? His heart was pounding in his chest. He was sure he knew the answer but he had to hope.

You know we can't, John. Just…I'm not worth dying for so if you can't find a way…

You are worth dying for. And so much more. He had thought it before he could stop himself but then again, what was the point of stopping himself? I will find you, Elizabeth. I don't care if I have to move Heaven, Earth, Hell, or a Galaxy. I will find you. He was sure he felt her sobbing. I don't know why I waited. I don't know why I didn't tell you when I… when I knew it might truly be the end but… I love you, Elizabeth."

"I know. And I love you, John. I don't know why…we…in…

Elizabeth? You're fading." New tears filled his eyes.

"I have to go. Losing strength.

I'll find you soon.

I know you will. I love you."

Her voice had become barely audible and he prayed she heard him say, "I love you, too, Elizabeth.

As quickly as she had filled his mind, she was gone. He stood up and leaned over the railing. A falling star reflected on the glassy surface of the water below. He would never tell anyone about his connection with Elizabeth and he could only hope she would find a way to connect with him again. His eyes looked skyward and he repeated, "I will find you."

The End