Self Murder
Disclaimer: I don' own Naruto or anything to do with it and i make no money from writing this story.
A.N. This Chapter is very short, I know but don't worry next chapter will be considerably longer. I have uploaded this chapter again to correct grammatical errors and re-arrange the text set-up. This is a NaruSasu story with lots of added Itachi- I hope-. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and review . Oh, also, the first part is supposed to be in first person for a reason, it is not in first person the whole way through.
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A baby starts screaming, loud enough that Sasuke is sure it must have burst its delicate lungs to pieces. Sasuke feels his skull start to ache, blood turning cold and body softly shake in meager waves as he stares wide eyed and cautious, yet well aware.
The baby continues to scream; screeching until he's crying from the agony he has caused to his throat. The howling so agonizing it's painful to Sasuke's heart; he doesn't want to hear it; but he can't reach to shut it up. His arms won't move and his brain will listen to nothing but the neglected baby. He almost wants to scream along with it in frustration, but he's sure he couldn't even if he would allow it.
The infants naked body is pathetically mundane; shivering and shaking; barely a body, closer to a skeleton; skin so pale Sasuke swears he can see right through it. Believes he can see its tiny heart beating dangerously; and for a small moment, so small he barley notices, he wants to rip the heart out; stop everything before it begins.
Suddenly Sasuke's ears are pounded with the sound of rushing water, so powerful the baby's sounds are distant and almost comforting. But Sasuke starts to panic; he coughs and splutters as water surrounds the baby, choking it, murdering it. Sasuke screams; straining his vocal chords, for someone to save it; please. But no one answers, because no one hears.
The baby starts spluttering, pitch eyes widening in confused fear, tiny arms waving frantically, desperate to be heaved into a warm embrace. Sasuke shuts his eyes, screwing them tight; he can't mourn what he can't see. But he can still hear it, and he knows he won't escape it. The baby is gurgling and Sasuke swears he hears it say 'help me!', but everything is so loud and babies can't speak; but then again Sasuke doesn't know anything for sure anymore.
Sasuke can't stand it; he opens his eyes in a flash and groans a distressed scream. He's in the ocean, above the baby, floating, falling; but not breathing. He stares into the babies innocent unknowing eyes and waves his arms in a desperate attempt to reach it. But he can't reach and it was already too late the moment this nightmare started. The baby spasms; almost not present muscles in its body shivering and shaking, it spasms again and then everything stills. Sasuke can hear nothing, only see, and he knows the baby is dead. Can see death and transparency in its eyes; no one saved it, because no one cared.
Sasuke screams, but he just gurgles and he abruptly, too late, realises he is going to drown along with it. Sasuke grapples with the water but he can't escape; because there is no escape: there never has been. He can feel his lungs spasm and strain against his ribs; clawing for air as he gasps and chokes -
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Sasuke gasps at the back of his throat as his body shoots up, porcelain hands gripping the bed sheets with crippling force. His body is shivering uncontrollably, but his bedroom is warm, maybe even to warm, going by the thin layer of sweat covering his torso. His chest is heaving harshly and his breathing comes out ragged and uneven. Sasuke wants to cry-can even feel that familiar prickle behind his eyes, but he fists the sheets instead and closes his eyes harshly, concentrating on evening his breathing and willing away the images of his dream still flashing boldly in his grieving mind.
Sasuke doesn't understand why these dreams won't stop, sometimes he feels they haunt him more than genuine memories. Recurring when he least expects, just when he feels he's getting that little bit better. And Sasuke can't help feeling its Itachi he's disappointing. Sasuke heaves himself up to lean against the cold wall and rubs his eyes with clammy palms; he sighs heavily and reaches for his phone; blindly finding it in the dark. Sasuke dials Itachi's number, not just because he knows Itachi will be awake, but also because he knows Itachi understands-even if it is only in part, and completely different from his own distresses-.
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"For fucks sake Sasuke," Itachi sighed and lowered his tone carefully, "Stop it." Aggravating Sasuke when he was in one of his 'I-don't-want-to-talk-because-wallowing-in-self-pity-is-much-better-moods' was never an admirable act, even if his moods were-in Itachi's opinion- inappropriate and often childlike.
"A face like that won't change the direction of my car, so please, just..." Itachi veered of his line of reasoning, not because it was fruitless, but because Sasuke had turned the Radio up in a very indiscreet way to drown Itachi out. Even pop music was better that listening to him, apparently.
Sasuke watched Itachi sigh and shake his head ever so slightly, a delicate frown pulling his brows minutely together. Sasuke turned away to look out the window, sometimes being with Itachi felt too much to bear, like he was suffocating. It was a feeling Sasuke never understood; Itachi was everything to him, all he had, and most times when they were not together, Sasuke wished Itachi was present: his gentle warmth and subtle, but omnipresent love for Sasuke, carefully calming his restless mind.
Itachi was the brother every human being desired. His love and devotion for Sasuke's existence and well-being was so urgent and powerful that Sasuke knew it was not only unhealthy, but sometimes, frighteningly obsessive. Sasuke often felt guilty and somewhat responsible for the sick suffering Itachi had endured-for years of his young life- to protect Sasuke. It made Sasuke cry and hate himself that little bit more when Itachi would blank out from reality and rush away to vomit: his memories so repulsive they made him physically ill in an uncontrollable way. It ate away somewhere secret in Sasuke that he didn't know how to fully comfort or understand his brother, and it hurt even more that Itachi's over protective side would never let Sasuke fully understand or realise the extent of anything that was 'only his demons to bear'.
Sasuke hated this journey; it was more depressing than being alone in his dingy flat. Not particularly because of what they were actually passing by-although Tokyo wasn't especially soothing or pleasant-but because of where they were headed; the psychiatric hospital, full of idiots who believed they could 'fix' him with medication and a certain amount of words. Sasuke hated psychiatric doctors with a passion so strong it gave him a migraine. They couldn't help him, and he was almost 100% sure that his doctor knew it, but continued anyway: at least she'd get a pay cheque afterwards.
He'd been going to the place for over a year, but Sasuke found it difficult to remember exactly when he'd started coming here because he didn't want to remember that desolate part of his life. When the only affair he veritably looked forward to was the comfort of slicing his arms with a bitter cool piece of metal that he pretended was not a knife. And of course alcohol, but what depressed man didn't look forward to a large glass of whisky; washed down with a bottle of sake and maybe a shot or three of vodka- just for luck-?
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Sasuke stared airy and carefree at his doctor. Dr Shan, a slight Chinese woman and most possibly the best looking woman Sasuke had seen. To Sasuke, she perfectly reflected the type of woman that would live within the walls of ancient China's forbidden city, the type of women who could woo the emperor with a just a coy look. Dr Shan had small rose bud lips that unconsciously pouted and looked oh so suggestive every time she'd say words with an 'o' sound. Her eyes where the perfect almond shape and looked alluring and sultry by nature, her petite nose was delicate and like any typical Asian nose was pushed in to her face, making her breathing come out steady and occasionally breathy. Today she wore her hair down; silky night time tresses swirled round her shoulders and finished in puddles on her desk.
If Sasuke wasn't gay he was sure he would have fucked his lewd looking doctor over her precious antique desk on his first appointment. The casual and unpremeditated sexual sounds she often made when thinking fuelled his imagination for how loud and indiscreet she would be. Sasuke often wondered if Dr Shan was, in her spare time, a sex craved harlot who lived of sexual pleasure. Along with this day dream he would wonder if she found it difficult to sit still and talk calmly to Sasuke about how to make him better; when really all she wanted was to rip his jeans of and ride him hard and fast, screaming and-
"Sasuke?" Dr Shan's silky, breathy voice gently pulled Sasuke from his daydreaming, "Hmm, you with me now?"
Sasuke smirked and nodded once, staring intently into her eyes as if he really was going to talk to her properly today, about 'proper and appropriate things', appropriate his ass, what was the fun in that? If Sasuke was being forced to this shit hole he might as well reap some sort of enjoyment from it.
"Okay, good. How's your week been, Sasuke?" She said gently whilst absently biting and sucking on the top of her pen. Sasuke imagined that she was imagining it was his cock.
"Utterly Shit." He deadpanned and shrugged his shoulders: she asked that question every week, and warranted the same answer every week. In fact she asked the same questions every week and mostly Sasuke lied, ignored her or swore. He did not want to be here.
"Hmuhm, what's on your mind? What would you like to talk about?" Dr Shan moved and leaned forward, still playing with the pen in her mouth whilst the other hand motioned for Sasuke to speak.
Sasuke thought this to be a perfect opportunity to ask her outright if she was some sex-crazed slut, watch her get flustered and warm, cheeks glowing and teeth biting lips in nervous instinct. Sasuke had no idea why he fantasized about a women being erotic when he'd never even kissed one, let alone seen one naked and moaning. Apart from porn, but that really didn't count; it was practically fantasy anyway. Sasuke guessed it was just boredom and his dangerously high libido level acting out when there was nothing else to do, he solidly hoped he wasn't turning straight.
Sasuke knew he had to make a conversation that made him sound normal and somewhat healed, but no ordinary thoughts were swimming in his head for him to fish out. All he could think about was sex, cock and drowning babies; and without his brain even asking his mouth if it was okay to engage Sasuke blurted out:
"Babies!" He marginally resisted clasping his hand over his mouth and instead squirmed in his seat; what the fuck would Dr Shan think of that? Not normal Sasuke, you moron, that's for sure.
Dr Shan quirked her perfectly shaped eyebrows and placed her pen down in disguised shock. "Babies?"
Sasuke just nodded; he would look crazier if changed the topic now, but shit why blurt out babies?
"Right, okay. Do you like babies Sasuke? Do you want one?" Dr Shan asked cautiously whilst gently tilting her head in question and mild confusion.
Sasuke wanted to scoff, laugh, howl, he did not like babies and he sure as hell wouldn't know how to look after one. "No and No."
Dr Shan looked at him puzzled, trying to analyse and confirm what this meant for Sasuke's mental health. "So why do you want to talk about babies, then? Maybe you wish you were a baby? When everything was soft and pleasant, and mother took care of everything? Would you like those days back, Sasuke?" She moved forward in her seat and rested her chin on a delicate closed fist.
Sasuke was caught off guard. With the mention of his mother scenes of his childhood played in his head like chapters in a horror movie. He never wanted to be young, innocent and out of control like when he was an infant ever again, the thought made him feel dizzy and irrelevantly fearful; and he definitely didn't want his mother near him anytime he was living and breathing.
"I hate my mother." Sasuke whispered and crossed his arms frowning at the way this conversation was turning so suddenly.
"Why?"
Sasuke knew that had been coming; and he had no idea how to answer it without revealing too much, he undoubtedly knew he would fall apart if he had to relive the details. His mother never wanted him, his mother had wished him dead when he was still a tiny foetus, growing inside her, and she still wished him dead after he was born. Sasuke swore he saw the malice and contempt in his mothers eyes when his suicide hadn't succeed in killing him. But a strong part of Sasuke wanted this woman to know at least an inkling of the long terms causes for him being here. So without really thinking about the effects his next comment would have, he gravely answered the beautiful Dr Shan.
"When I was five, she tried to drown me."
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