"Stay away! We don't want your sort around here beast"
Beast. The word was so small, yet the sense of hatred it conveyed was almost too much for him to bare. As he fought the tears that were pushing to leak from his eyes he realised for the first time just what his lycanthropy would mean. He was a beast, a monster, a werewolf and nothing would stop that. Nothing would stop the fear that others felt when he was near or the sense of hatred they so readily revealed. He was a beast and nothing could or would ever change that.
Its not fair, thought Remus. I don't want this. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want people to be afraid of me. I don't want to hunt and kill. I don't want to be a beast.
As he sat alone in his room, Remus couldn't help but wonder just how long he could keep the wolf at bay. Every time he breathed he knew it was there, lurking, waiting for the opportunity to attack, and he hated it. He hated the feeling that somewhere within him was something that wanted nothing more than blood and flesh and would stop at nothing to get it. He hated the idea that he was capable of doing the terrible things he had read in books about his kind and most of all he hated the fact that he had no control over what he was. No control over what he became and no control over what he did on those terrible nights.
Just what would happen if I wasn't locked away? he pondered as the sun began to set. I've seen what I can do. I've got the scars to prove it. I can't let It hurt anyone else. No, he thought, no, it's better if it's me. That way the wolf hurts nobody but me.
He hated the growing number of scars he had. Especially the ones on is face and hands. He hated the way that they were an open display of just how dangerous he could be. Yes he thought. Dangerous. Thats exactly what I am. Beast.
He remembered the way the healers had looked at him at the hospital just after the attack. The look of pity and sympathy on their faces, and the deep sense of fear in their eyes. And they're supposed to be the caring ones! He remembered overhearing one of the healers at the hospital telling his father that there were certain 'options available that would see that noone was harmed by him'. His parents never mentioned the discussion but he knew exactly what the healer had meant - death, execution, murder. Sometimes he wondered if it would have been better if they had taken the man up on his offer, it would have at least spared them of some of the pain. Yes he thought maybe that would have been for the best. Kill the boy before he becomes a beast. Or before the beast has the chance to take control. He wasnt quite sure which way round it was. Whether the wolf grew as time passed, like a seed grows into a tree, or whether it is just there, waiting and fighting to take control.
Ok, now I'm being stupid. They wouldn't have killed me. He knew his parents loved him, but sometimes it was that which made it so much harder. Their eyes gave away the pain that they felt, the pain which they tried so hard to conceal. They had never said it to him, but he couldn't help wondering if his parents saw him as a beast too. After all, if strangers could see it then surely his own parents could. They just don't say it because they love me. And they only love me because they have to love me - they're my parents. But even while he doubted the love his parents had for him, he knew that they did love him and the reason for it didn't really matter. The fact that they stayed with him and didn't have him killed or sent away conveyed just how strongly they did love him, how strongly they cared for him and how strongly they believed in him.
No, he thought maybe I don't have to be a beast. Maybe I'm not a beast.
And it was at that moment that Remus Lupin decided that he wouldn't be, at least not if he could help it. Regardless of how pointless it may be he would fight the wolf. He would starve it, fight it and even if he could not kill it or truly beat it himself, he would not let it win. He may never be able to beat it, and he may die trying, but whatever would come he would not let it defeat him with ease. No thought Remus. I'm in this for the long fight and I won't ever give in. And as he blinked away the tears that had gathered in his eyes he made himself a promise - No matter what, I will not give in.