[My first ever attempt at a song-fic because I'm usually not very good at them, but as soon as I heard the song I knew I had to write it. Enjoy! Btw, the song is 'Hiding my Heart' by Adele.
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, or it's characters, blah blah blah.]
So this is how the story went It was in the darkest of my days And I wish I could lay down beside you
I met someone by accident
who blew me away
who blew me away
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
you'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
She thinks it started with John Cooley.
She was fifteen, alone, struggling to fit in in a foreign country when they met. And then he just swept her off her feet; and soon enough she was completely head over heels on love.
The time they were together is the happiest she remembers being in her teenage years.
She didn't think about ending it all anymore, she didn't rebel against her mother any way she knew how. She'd been blissfully happy, like teenagers should be.
Their relationship was carefree, and fun, and he seemed to genuinely like her – accept her – when no one else did.
Emily had though he was perfect.
But of course, like all teenage boys, he took what he wanted and left.
She remembers there was no goodbye, just a note in her locker. Matthew had told her to just forget about him, to let him go.
But time after time she found herself thinking of him, wishing she'd been better – prettier, smarter, richer; anything to have him stay.
No matter how much she wished though, he never came back. He didn't want her back.
It was her first real heartbreak, but she would learn over the years that that's all loving someone ever gets you – heartbreak and tears.
–
Then came Doyle, who of course was an assignment.
He was just work, he was the enemy.
But Ian turned out being the longest relationship she'd ever had with a man. And that man just happened to be a terrorist – go figure.
Some little part of her hoped, imagined, that he was good. That one day all that he'd done would just go away and they could live happily ever after.
Yes, there were bad times. Times that she feared for her life, times his anger got the best of him.
But she remembers the good times too.
Like when he would take her and Declan out to the park and swing the little boy on the swing, sitting with his arm around her on the park bench.
And they had looked just like a family then, she bet. Perfect, and happy.
She would never admit it to anyone, but some small part of her enjoyed those moments; probably the same small part that was in love with Ian Doyle.
That part of herself reminded her more of the scared 15 year old girl she'd been than the confident, fearless woman she'd grown up to be. And that scared her more than anything else.
But Doyle, of course, just turned out to be exactly what everyone thought, and that little part of her was disappointed.
There goes another heartbreak.
–
Then there was Declan; the little boy who'd stolen her heart.
She remembers his blue eyes, his shaggy blonde hair, how he would smile at her when they played together.
She remembers the little tug on her heart when he called her 'mommy' once. It just broke her heart to tell him that she wasn't, that she would never be.
Assuring herself she was doing the right thing, she got him a new life, and let him go.
She burned all the copies of his files she'd kept for herself, just to make sure she never got the urge to go see him and ruin everything.
But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get that grinning little boy out of her mind, and how his eyes overflowed with tears when she said goodbye.
More heartbreak, more tears.
She was convinced this was the pattern life went.
Temporary happiness, bliss, then heartbreak.
And no matter how much the happiness lasted, heartbreak would always come.
So she simply stopped trying.
I dropped you off at the train station I wish I could lay down beside you
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Away
Or maybe John hadn't been the start.
Maybe it had been her father. She remembers him – bits and pieces.
She remembers how excited she would get when he came home, which wasn't very often.
She remembers dropping him off at the train station or the airport, him always kneeling down to her level, kissing her on the cheek and telling her he'd be back very soon, that he'd bring her something nice.
Then she would watch him leave, waving while her mother practically dragged her away, back to the car.
They would go back, back to the cold, empty house that they were renting in that country.
None of those houses felt like home. They'd just felt temporary, replacements. For what, she didn't know – her family never did have a normal house.
The only thing that had felt steady, was her father.
Sure, he wasn't there most of the time, but knowing that he'd always come back, that his leaving wasn't permanent set her into a pattern; it became familiar.
Train station, kiss on the cheek, waving.
Then the waiting, anticipation, happiness when he finally arrived, always bearing gifts for her and angry words for her mother.
Until one day he didn't come back.
She said goodbye to him, he kissed her on the cheek; she thought everything was normal.
This was their pattern.
But then she waited, and waited, but he never came.
She blamed herself for years; for not being good enough, for not making him proud. But soon she realized that it was his fault. He'd abandoned her.
She loved him, she waited, but he just left her.
And that, was her first real heartbreak.
Her first glimpse into the adult world.
I woke up feeling heavy hearted I wish I could lay down beside you
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And though I wish that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart
away
All those disappointments, she realized, kept her from living.
All those years she'd been hiding, putting up walls, so no one got too close.
Because she was convinced that everyone would hurt you eventually.
People would leave, relationships would end. And she was convinced that she didn't need any more heartbreak.
But now, someone was working away at those walls, and they were almost through.
All her instincts were telling her to run away, so that he couldn't hurt her.
But she doesn't want to.
She realizes she wants to wake up with him by her side. Yes, she's scared that he'll leave, but she knows him better than that.
And she has to take risks. She wants to feel love again.
So that's why she doesn't pull away when he kisses her on his porch, and tells her to 'Come inside Princess.'
Because she wants this, with Derek.
She knows he won't leave, that he won't cause her more heartbreak.
So she stops hiding her heart, like she has been more years than she can count.
She breaks down the walls with a giant sledgehammer and she lets him in, because that's what she wants. After years of loneliness and hiding, this is just what she needs.
She needs to stop hiding her heart away.
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