Oooo! Oooo! Lookit! A new one! There's something about working at an agricultural research station that just stimulates the mind. Seriously.

Summary: Wait for it, Ralphie. It'll come to you…

Disclaimer: If I owned Life With Derek, Phoenix Satori's University Steps would be the basis for the fifth season script. With her permission, of course.

How I Met Your Stepbrother

I'm not stupid, despite what most people think. It just takes me longer to get the obvious stuff because I'm so focused on the obscure. Which in and of itself is probably the reason I saw It before anybody else. Except for Lizzie and Edwin. I think they've always known, even while I was still under the illusion that STEPsibling equaled sibling. How wrong of me.

When I first met Casey McDonald, it was as Derek Venturi, her maybe-stepbrother. Derek was one of my best friends, so, as the wonderful friend that I was, posing as him to meet his apparent future was the least I could do. I was blindsided by how adorable she was, with her little private-school outfit, braces, and bangs. Despite her obvious crazy (neurotic) perfectionist tendencies, she was nice and totally into me as Derek.

Why the hell had the real Derek given up the chance to eat lunch with an attractive girl? It made no sense that my friend, the known ruler of the school, would pass up such an incredible opportunity. I didn't dwell on it too long, though, because, I, unlike real-Derek, was not going to look a gift girl in the mouth.

When we got to lunch (Derek hovering like a little black cloud in the background), Casey was saying something about how it was nice, getting to know each other. I was completely honest and told her I nearly threw up when I saw her. In a good way. She thought it was sweet.

I was getting ready to make my final move when Derek swooped in like a freaking flying monkey and demanded to speak to me.

"Actually, we were enjoying a really lovely lunch together, right Casey?" I turned him down quickly because, dammit, Casey liked me. She smiled at me across the table before turning to Derek.

"Right, Derek. I'm sorry, we haven't met," she was open and friendly and an obvious threat to Derek in some way.

"And I'm okay with that," he sniped across the table as he tried to tug me from my chair.

I jerked away from him and turned indignant, "Don't be rude to Casey, Ralph." I can play the game just as well.

Casey obviously didn't need me to stick up for her, because she immediately added, "Yeah, Ralph, maybe you can learn some manners from Derek."

She must have been a real threat to him, I realized, when he responded, "Yeah, and maybe you can learn to take a hint."

"Excuse me?" she gasped, taken aback. Apparently, nobody had ever been as rude to her as Derek was capable of being.

"You're excused," Derek said. He slapped down some money on her tray and made shooing movements with his hands, "Here's five bucks. Why don't you go check out the caf's apple cobbler, I hear it's made with taters," the meaningful look he sent my way was lost on me as I watched Casey rise with the dignity of a haughty princess.

"While I'm gone, maybe you can teach your friend some manners," she hissed at me. She flounced off; turning back only to grab the money Derek had left her.

I turned to Derek to find that he had grabbed Casey's fork and started eating the food she had left behind, "Dude, I think she likes me."

He snorted as he switched to eating with his fingers, "Yeah, you think she likes Derek. The guy who could possibly be her stepbrother."

It was supposed to mean something to me, but I honestly hadn't a clue what he was on about.

"Wait for it. It'll come to you," he mumbled around some food.

Stepbrother. Step—oh. It came to me, alright.

"Ew."

A small smirk crossed his lips as he patted me on the shoulder, "There you go, buddy."

At that point of time, I really should have seen It, but I didn't. I should have seen it in the way he immediately (stiffly) stood and walked out of the caf when Casey returned with some of that cobbler and rambling about the rudeness of some people and didn't I know that friends like that would lead me wrong some day?

It (the real It) actually came to me some months later, after Casey had officially become the stepsister (and therefore, the enemy), during one of Derek's many pranks on her. He had been telling Sam and me in giddy detail about his latest conquest of the Casey-is-pissed variety involving her not having any clothes again, when Casey stormed down the hall and directly towards him.

It hadn't been the first time Derek's clothes had found their way onto Casey due to some prank he had pulled, but it was the first time his extra practice jersey was at the top of the clean pile. She had done the thing girls do to shirts that are to big for them, tying it off in the back and showing off just a hint of skin. The jeans were held in place by a belt that had obviously been confiscated from Derek's dad, but did not detract from the awesome sight that was Casey bearing down on Derek.

She had backed him into the lockers, and her screams could probably be heard school wide. It was a wonder the principal hadn't gotten involved. Actually, I caught sight of the poor man rounding the corner, only to turn right back around when he saw what was actually happening. Casey scared a lot of people.

"…blew up my clothes! Everything! Even my underwear, do you even no what that means, Derek Venturi?!" she shrieked as she poked him in the chest. For once Derek was too terrified to do more than shake his head, eyes wide, "Mom's was too big and Lizzie doesn't have anything yet, so now I am exposed for all of Ontario to see! I hope you're happy."

That being said, she turned on her heel and stalked away, leaving Derek plastered against the locker, where he didn't move until one of the new teachers (who had no clue about the Derek-Casey dynamic) came up next to him and kindly suggested that Derek lock himself in the locker room under a cold shower before he returned to class.

That was when It hit me square on the forehead with the force of a mack truck, watching Derek stumble in the direction of the locker rooms. It had nothing to do with taters and Derek had dug himself a hole that involved daily cold showers and lots of leaning against Casey's door.