Author's Notes: This takes place just after Cragen tells Olivia that Elliot has turned in his papers (quit), and stretches over a five month span. While it is not covered here - and it isn't for a reason - Elliot is no longer married to Kathy, so no, there's no adultery.
Disclaimer: Really, guys? I need to say it? -.-
Song: Home to Stay - Josh Groban
Elliot put his papers in.
The words just kept echoing in her head, over and over again. Even as she closed the door behind her, and the commotion of the precinct was shut away, the words didn't fade. He left SVU. He left her. Elliot was gone.
I know you're gone; I watched you leave.
"I'm fine," She whispered again, despite knowing that not a soul was there to hear her. "I'm fine." Her back hit the stone wall, and Olivia fought to compose herself. Though tears stung at her eyes, and every heartbeat made her chest ache more and more, she tried to bite back the cries and compose herself. She tried to fight off the sadness, and the hurt. In the end, she failed. Her walls came crumbling down one by one, and she could do nothing to stop them.
I always thought that it was me.
Elliot was gone. Twelve years of partnership; twelve years of friendship, and trust, and comfort, and Elliot Stabler left her. She knew it wasn't personal - though in the first many years of their partnership, she would have blamed herself - but that did not sooth the ache. He didn't leave because of her, but he still left. And he had every reason to! He had every need to. He deserved to. But he was still gone..
You made it clear with that last kiss,
You couldn't live a life with maybe's and what if's
She sighs out a heavy breath, hoping that this one gust of air shall relieve the breaking of her heart; that the one last breath shall pass through her lips as the choked back cries she can't force out, and will bring her the composure she needs to do her job. She is successful…, at least for now. The cracks remain, and every step back into the building feels like she's all the closer to tumbling down the edge of the cliff she's been trying to avoid for years, but she's fine. She's fine.
"Let's roll," she forces out, a tight, brief glimpse of a smile being just enough to keep Fin from asking questions. Instead, he simply tugged his heavy jacket from his chair and gave a silent nod.
#
When every boat has sailed away,
And every path is marked and paved,
And every road has had its say…
"It's something' he's gotta do, baby girl," She hears Fin say, but she keeps her eyes on the trees that flash by as they drive back to the office. She doesn't need to hear those words, so she doesn't bother to pay them heed. She knows this is something he needed to do. She knows he needed to escape. But again…this doesn't ease the pain. "We've all gotta let go some day. What happened with Jenna…"
"I know." Olivia whispers back, grateful that her voice remains unrelenting. Now, all she can do is sit and hope that once Elliot heals, he'll return to her. Maybe not to SVU, maybe not as a detective at all. But at least to her…
Then I'll be bringing you back home to stay
The weeks roll by, and little by little Olivia tries to settle into routine. It's a new routine, it's a boring routine, and it's a routine she doesn't want, but it's a routine, and the routine keeps her ground. Keeps her focused. Keeps her sane. The morning customs are the only thing in her life left unchanged, so waking up every morning is far easier than she imaged. It is only after that routine fades that life looses its color, and the new routine begins. She goes to work, and spends hours just not looking at the empty desk where her partner once sat. She throws herself into cases to bury her thoughts, goes out with the boys afterwards to bury her loneliness, and spends the drive home to be her only time to wallow in self pity. To wallow in the fact that yet again, Elliot isn't driving her home, or inviting himself up for a late night of cheap, Chinese take-out. Wallowing that it was yet another day when not a single phone is returned. Wallowing in the fact that while settling into a new routine is getting her through the day, it rarely gets her through the night. Wallowing in the fact that she hates herself for wallowing at all. And just as she feels anger and resentment for Elliot Stabler having been gone from her life for two months now, she reminds herself that their twelve year partnership did not mean nothing; while he may not crumble at their separation, he'd not abandon her forever. He'll come back for her, and that will always be worth the wait.
When every town looks just the same,
When every choice gets hard to make,
#
"Hey," Cragen's voice carried across the lobby, cutting through the conversation of Munch and Fin, and drawing Olivia's eyes up from her paperwork. Slowly, her eyes shifted to the young man beside him, and she gave an unheard sigh as reality sank in. Elliot's replacement had finally arrived. "This is Detective Nick Amaro. Get acquainted, yeah?" Olivia politely rose from her desk to greet the man, but no smile was even attempted as she shook his hand.
"Welcome to the squad," Munch's extended hand gave Olivia a reason to release his hand after barely grazing it, and she sank back into her chair to continue reading over the next case. She uttered not a word to him, whilst Fin and Munch fell into easy conversations with the new recruit.
When every map is put away,
Once she was confident that the trio would not be expecting her to pitch in anytime soon, she lifted her eyes to glance towards Cragen's office. He stood near the door, one hand grasping the handle as he met Olivia's stare. He gave her a silent nod, and Olivia felt a small weight lift from her shoulders. This man was Elliot's replacement in the precinct, but he was not her partner. No one would ever come after Elliot. Apparently, even her captain had come to understand and accept that simple fact. Elliot Stabler was her only partner. He wasn't there now, and he hadn't been for four months now, and he was unlikely to ever return…but he was her partner. And she was still waiting.
Then I'll be bringing you back home to stay.
#
It took him four months. Four months and thirteen days, before she finally had proof that he was still alive, and still around. Perhaps to others, an envelope in the mail was little consolation for an abandonment that lasted over four months. But Olivia knew him better than anyone, and that single trinket and the letter with only four words was more than enough for her. The second her fingers grazed the rounded necklace, Olivia finally allowed her tears to boil over. Just for a second, as she dragged her thumb over the engraving, the longing and confusion faded into the background. Elliot had given her what no one else had even been allowed to touch, and the Semper Fidelis was all the reassurance; no matter how long he wandered, Elliot was not lost to her forever.
And now I know why you had to go alone
Isn't there a place between?
Closing the door to her apartment behind her, that single sentence on the folded sheet of paper was read three times over as she let it sink in. 'For better or worse' Olivia couldn't stop the laugh that passed her lips, or mistake the feeling of the iron fist that had been clenched around her heart for five months (and thirteen days) finally release its hold. Finally, each beat did not come with the threat to break her. It was almost frightening, the way she could read into her partner when he wasn't even there. That she could see a single line, and be given a full chapter of unspoken promises and reassurances. To an outsider, they were just four words. To an outsider, they were old and used. To an outsider, they gave no explanation for him abandoning her so long. To an outsider, they weren't, in any way, an apology. But Olivia Benson wasn't an outsider in this partnership. So to Olivia, those four words were everything.
#
Reach out to me, call out my name…
It took him five months. Five months, one week, and a day. It wasn't an envelope, with a medal and a piece of a paper. It was him; Elliot, standing there at her door with a lost, sheepish expression on his face. Olivia couldn't judge that, as she was certain that her expression mirrored his. Elliot's lips never even parted as an attempt to speak. He said nothing, and Olivia returned that silence. Her eyes were locked with his, and the silence enveloped them like a warm blanket. These were her favorite conversations with him.
And I would bring you back again…
Elliot's blue eyes tore away from hers only for a moment, and she felt her heart racing as his fingers grasped the circular necklace around her neck. A smile graced his lips, and she couldn't help but chuckle in response. It came out broken and choked back, but it was a laugh nevertheless. Just as his hands reached for Olivia's neck, her own clenched his trench coat with unrelenting fists, wrench him inside her apartment and slamming with door without a single word yet being uttered. He was back, and she'd be damned if he thought he'd be leaving again. Especially with the lack of a wedding ring around his finger..
Today.
And yes, it was well worth the wait.
Authors Notes: Yes, I'm aware that this is very much focused around Olivia. I'm aware that it's rather angsty, but this is what I went with. This is what felt natural to me. It's not like it'd be easy to adjust without your partner of twelve years. Too much of it? Yeah, probably. But that won't be changing' 3 As I said, this is what felt right to me.
Criticism is always heard and appreciated. However, don't whine about little things like the necklace, or technicalities on how she meets her partner, how she reacts to him, whether or not Stabler is married, etc. I don't care how she greets Amaro, or whether or not she likes him. I'm aware that we're still unclear on how Olivia got that necklace, and frankly…I don't care. This was my way to bring it in, so take it with a grain of salt and enjoy it. I don't care if you aren't an E/O shipper, or think that Elliot wouldn't disappear for so long. It's a fanfic, ya'll. As I just said - take it with a grain of salt, and enjoy it.