Fear is an everyday part of our lives. The smallest things can cause us to stop and tense, ready to fight or flee. A noise from behind us. A trick our eyes play on us. An idea beyond our control.
Fear is also found in much larger doses, usually for those who have experienced a particular trauma or hardship. It presents itself in different ways. A particular person's presence. A certain sound. A reoccurring nightmare…
There is a delicate separation between being afraid of the dark and being afraid of what is in the dark. Few understand the difference, but for those who do, it is haunting.
Remus Lupin is one of those few.
He woke with a start, sitting up quickly to examine his surroundings. When he realized his nightmares were gone, he relaxed and laid back against the wall. It seemed so real every time…
"You were screaming," said a voice to his left.
Surprised, Remus turned to find Sirius awake and watching him with overly-curious eyes.
"I'm sorry," murmured Remus. "I didn't mean to wake you."
Embarrassed and unwilling to admit it, he turned and feigned succumbing to sleep, hoping it would cease Sirius' questions.
It didn't.
"Is it always the same nightmare?" he asked, unwanted sympathy in his voice like sickeningly sweet honey.
"Yes," Remus admitted grudgingly without turning. "Wait…you've heard me before?"
"At least twice a week for four years," answered Sirius. "But it seemed worse tonight."
It was. But that was the last thing Remus wanted to admit.
His silence was apparently answer enough. "It always gets worse around the full moon," Sirius muttered.
Remus sat up and studied his friend harshly. "Why haven't you said anything?" he asked sharply. "I could have put a Silencing charm around my bed or taken sedative potion or something!" Embarrassment and shame caused his cheeks to blush a hot red.
"What's the dream about?" asked Sirius.
"Why does it matter?" retorted Remus, on the defense again.
"I want to help," answered Sirius, in response to both questions.
"Oh," muttered Remus, shamed at his own behavior. There was silence for a moment, then he took a deep breath. "They're about the dark?"
"The dark?" questioned Sirius, and to Remus' surprise, he didn't sound at all like he wanted to laugh.
"Less about the dark itself and more about what's in the dark," Remus corrected himself.
"Fenrir Greyback," realized Sirius.
"And others," conceded Remus.
Without truly knowing what he was doing, Sirius stood, crossed the short distance between their beds, and sat on Remus' bunk. "What happens in the dream?"
Remus bit his lip. "It's usually just reliving the night I was attacked."
"And when it gets worse?" prompted Sirius.
"I attack someone else," answered Remus, his voice tiny.
He tried to breathe, but it was as though speaking the dream out loud brought the gravity crashing down on him. His breathing was rapid and shallow, and he was vaguely certain his heart had never beat that fast in his life. The pounding in his head grew louder, and he wondered briefly if a person could die of fear.
And then, just as quickly as it had started, it stopped. Remus' unspoken question was answered before it was fully formed.
Sirius' arms were wrapped tightly around him, and he was muttered useless words of comfort under his breath. When he noticed Remus had calmed, he stepped back awkwardly, and Remus wondered when they had stood.
"Are you…all right?" Sirius asked.
"Um, yeah. Thanks."
They stood in awkward silence for another moment before Remus broke it. "We'd better get to bed. We only have a few hours left to sleep."
He cursed himself mentally. That was the best you could come up with?
"Er… right. Well, good night."
"'Night."
Both boys returned to their respective bunks. Remus' head was buzzing, but despite his ceaseless thoughts, he fell asleep quickly and dreamlessly.
When he woke, the security he'd felt the night before was gone. He was convinced Sirius was going to tell James and Peter about his nightmares, which were the one thing he'd kept from the other Mauraders in the first place. What he did in his sleep was no one's business but his own…and now the entire school would know, thanks to his own big mouth.
He wandered down to breakfast a little later than the rest, which he knew would give Sirius plenty of time to tell his friends about the night's revelations. A sick feeling grabbed hold of his stomach and wouldn't relinquish, and Remus dreaded the moment he sat down beside Peter.
To his great surprise, however, none of the three looked as though they were going to laugh or make fun of him at all. They looked as if…
As if Sirius hadn't told them.
Remus looked up at him curiously and tilted his head. He received a discreet, small smile before the other boy returned to the conversation he'd been having.
He hadn't said anything. He'd had prime opportunity to embarrass, humiliate, and shame Remus…and he hadn't said anything.
He looked at Sirius again over the brim of his juice. The boy was laughing immensely at something James had just said, his head thrown back, his eyes sparkling with mirth, and a large smile painted across his face as though it belonged there. He wished, for a moment, that he had been the one to put it there.
Remus frowned and looked away quickly, surprised at his own thoughts. He wished he had put it there? What the hell was that supposed to mean?
He glanced down at his half-eaten toast, the uneasy feeling back in stomach.
"Remus? Rem? It's time for Herbology."
Sirius' face, very large and unexpectedly close to his own, appeared in front of his own.
"You alright?"
"Yeah." He stood and gathered his books, glancing a bit remorsefully at his unfinished toast. "Um, thank you."
"For what?"
"Not saying anything."
"Oh." A small smile appeared on his face. "You're welcome."
"Sirius, Remus, c'mon!"
James' voice awoke the two from their conversation, and Sirius hurried off with a call of "I'm coming!"
Remus, left standing alone by his breakfast, sighed and wandered after them, wondering about the enigma Sirius had become in his mind.