Disclaimer: Downton Abbey and its characters do not belong to me and there's nothing in it for me but fun.
A very special "Thank you!" goes to GranthamGal, who kindly read and betaed my little first foray into fanfiction. She gave me the courage to actually publish it. Without her, this piece would have been, well, different, especially in the grammar department ;)
I know that the time frame given here is a bit off, but I wanted Robert & Cora to be a young couple and the children to be little. The Boer War ended in 1902 (if that is indeed the "African War" they keep talking about in the show), so the Crawleys would not have been that freshly married anymore, but there you go.
I'd be delighted to hear what you all think. This story might go on, but it could also be a one-shot, it depends a bit on wether you would like to read more or rather not. Enjoy.
"Robert? Robert, are you in here?"
Apparently he was not in the library either, and if he wasn't here, then were could he be at this time of night?
"Where are you, you foolish man?" Cora muttered to herself.
Robert hadn't come to bed that night and now Cora was starting to worry. She hadn't heard him in his dressing room earlier, so she assumed he didn't even come up after they had all broken up and gone off to bed. The evening had been quite difficult after all. Her mother-in-law had been in an especially foul mood, which had lead to an atmosphere even frostier than usual. It was all because of Rosamund's behavior, which was known to be slightly off, and even inappropriate at times. Everyone at Downton and in London society knew that, and expected it of her, but Violet felt it was time again to remind her daughter of her duty to the family, society, and propriety, and, and, and…After half an hour of their banter, a shouting match was in full swing, though it had nothing to do with propriety anymore. There had been a terrible row, though to be perfectly honest Cora found it a bit inappropriate that they would fight out their differences at Downton over dinner. After all, it was Robert's and her home now. Well, it hadn't been theirs for very long and the Dowager Countess was the Dowager Countess after all, and so Cora had said nothing as the two women had battled it out over her coffee table.
Robert had not said a word all evening and he had started to look gloomily out of the window at some point, but Cora hadn't given it much thought because there was not much to explain his family's display of emotion anyway. Even Cousin Patrick hadn't said anything, and he was usually the chatty type.
Robert had returned from the African War only two months earlier and Cora sensed that something was still not quite right. He didn't talk much about it; in fact he didn't talk about it at all. She had tried to coax him into telling her at least something, but she had given up after two weeks of his looks suddenly turning distant and his smiles suddenly vanishing into thin air at the first mention of war. The only thing he had ever told her was that his Batman, a certain John Bates, had saved his life; but nothing about how, when, or where. Not so much as one little detail. Though if Cora was honest again, she didn't really want to know. She had missed him so much, had worried so much, and had been so happy when he had returned unscathed that she did not really want know how close he had been to not returning home at all. Home to Downton and home to her.
The first three weeks after his return had been glorious ones, in her memory at least. She and Robert had been reunited and they had enjoyed every minute of it. One Saturday they even stayed in bed all day; which was quite scandalous—even for a young married couple! His love for her seemed to have grown stronger while they had been separated. Now, he never tired of telling her how much he had missed her, how much he loved her, how glad he was that he was home with her, and how much he wanted her.
When Cora thought about those weeks now, she realized that there were in fact small signs that some things had changed. Although, these small things had been very easy to overlook, especially in the blur of passion and happiness they had been enjoying; but they had been there nonetheless. Robert drank a little bit more than before, he hadn't given up his habit of smoking cigarettes yet, and when they made love he was a little bit more demanding, a little bit more aggressive, and he seemed a little bit more lost afterwards.
One afternoon she had found him sitting in the library. He had been staring off at nothing and holding a book in his hands, though he very obviously wasn't reading it. His thoughts were clearly back in Africa, but by that point Cora had already learned that he wouldn't let her in on those thoughts. In her entire life, she had never felt so helpless. Not even upon her realization that she had failed to produce a male heir, a few years earlier. So, Cora had done the only thing that came to mind: she had taken him into her arms without saying anything, and he had let it happen. While she stroked his back, he buried his face into her neck. Cora thought she had heard a sob, though she must have imagined it because as far as she could tell, he wasn't crying, he was just breathing heavily.
"I'm so sorry. I love you so much…so much," he had whispered against her neck.
It had seemed that they had been sitting like that for hours, but in the end it had only been a few minutes. Robert had taken a deep breath, jumped up, told her once more that he was sorry and fled the room. Why exactly he was sorry, she had never found out.
Then, the Earl had died. While inspecting one of the farms of the estate, he had fallen from his horse and had been dead before he had hit the ground. Heart attack, the doctor had told them. All of a sudden, Robert was in charge of Downton.
Around that time, the nightmares had started.
The funeral, the running of the estate, the endless social calls, and the decision of his mother to move out of Downton into the Dower House following his succession to the earldom had kept him occupied. There was suddenly so much to do that Cora had been lucky to have even a few minutes alone with him throughout the day; and even less could be said for their three little daughters, who barely saw him at all. Cora had tried to compensate for the time he didn't have for them, so lately, she had been spending even more time with the children and seeing Robert even less.
In the evening, he had often been so tired that he went straight to sleep after scrambling into their bed. They still made love, but much more infrequently than before. Cora didn't blame him, although she had started to miss their intimate evenings; the talking, the caresses, the tenderness, it was all gone. It would pass, she had told herself, and it wouldn't stay like this—it couldn't. Once the period of great change was over, they would— and could—return to their old bedtime routine, which she had grown to love so much.
Unfortunately, it had only gotten worse.
One night, Cora awoke suddenly to the awful sound of her husband screaming. His face had been covered in sweat, his hair had been wet and plastered on his forehead, and he'd been breathing heavily—clearly having a nightmare. When he had opened his eyes, she had still been staring at him in horror. Robert had needed a few seconds to realize where he was before he was reassured that it had all been just a dream. Cora had never seen him like that and she had been quite shocked. In fact, she was so shocked that she had missed the opportunity to stop him when he had gotten out of their bed and retreated to his dressing room. Not without mumbling another "I'm so sorry" of course, but that didn't help either. That didn't help at all and it wouldn't do. She was his wife, if he was having problems and would not confide in her, even a little bit, then what was she to do? All Cora wanted to do was to help him in any way she could, but was it even possible if he continued to shut her out?
Robert's nightmares became more and more frequent. He would always wake up and tell her he was sorry and immediately retreat to his dressing room. It had become a pattern. Tonight though, he obviously didn't even want to go to sleep at all. She thought about just going to sleep and letting him do whatever it was he was doing because she wasn't even really sure if he needed time to himself or if he was actually waiting for her to come find him.
Cora couldn't just go to sleep, no matter how hard she tried. She was more worried now than ever before, and so she decided to go looking for her husband. Though she had no idea what she would do when she found him, there was no point in figuring that out now. She would deal with that when he had been found. Since it was after midnight, the house was quiet. During the day, it was never as quiet and Cora had very rarely experienced Downton like that. To her surprise, a strong feeling of being at home swept through her as she walked the halls, but she didn't have time to dwell on that sensation, as she was worried about Robert. The house was so quiet in fact; that she soon realized Robert wasn't to be found in any of the rooms.
Cora went out to the grounds but was unsure of where to look. She didn't want to call for him either, for fear of waking anyone up and causing any alarm. Fortunately it was a warm night and at the very least she did not have to worry about her clothes. Being just in her nightgown wouldn't cause her any problems; at least not with the weather at this time of night. Desperately trying to think of something, she started down the gravel path.
A thought came to her mind rather unexpectedly: whether she had heard something or it was just her instinct, she didn't know. Cora started to head towards a bench, behind a magnificent cluster of trees, which could not be seen from the house. She and Robert used to sit there when they wanted to escape the bustle of the house for a while. They had not recently though.
Cora recognized Robert's outline as soon as she passed the trees. He was sitting on 'their' bench in a curiously slumped position.
"Robert!" She called out.
There was no reaction, which made her hesitate for a brief moment, but Cora plucked up all her courage, and continued on, calling him again. After all, perhaps he just hadn't heard her.
"Robert…?"
As soon as she made it to where he was sitting and stood beside him, he looked up at her, and she noticed the half empty bottle of whiskey along with his swollen eyes. He had been crying. The full moon outlined his face much more clearly than he would have wished, she was sure.
"Oh my God, Robert, Darling," she whispered, and sat down beside him, all fears of him pushing her away immediately forgotten.
"I'm so sorry", he slurred, trying to repress a sob while taking another gulp of whiskey.
Apparently he was beyond caring about propriety...
"Oh Robert, I've had it with you being sorry. I don't even know what you are sorry for?"
She tried to put her arms around him, but he was so tense that she had to struggle before actually getting close to him. She just wanted to hold him so badly, but obviously he still wouldn't let her just yet. He looked at her and began to speak—
"I'm weak and I've embarrassed you. I'm an awful husband and an awful father. I'm shit at ruining... no, running, Downton. I just can't... I'm nothing. It was so horrible... so horrible..." He took another gulp of whiskey.
Much to Cora's surprise, anger suddenly began flaring up inside of her. She hadn't really understood what he had meant with his last words, but his apparent self-pity was getting on her nerves. Especially because he had let it come to this without letting her help him. Instinctively, she knew that the key to his situation was Africa. She took a deep breath and managed to swallow her anger just in time. He wouldn't tell her anything ever again if she didn't get this right.
"You're none of that and you know it. And you haven't embarrassed me. I'm your wife, remember? I love you." She whispered, and placed a kiss on his temple. After a pause, Cora couldn't hold back any longer and asked him—
"Robert, what happened to you down there?"
For the longest time, he said nothing and just rocked back and forth in her arms. At least he had relaxed a bit, she thought. God, she had never seen him so drunk and so miserable. The formidable Earl of Grantham had been reduced to a whimpering heap of a man.
"I'm here, Robert. I'm here," she kept whispering against his hair.
"It was so horrible. So horrible," he said again. "I can still smell..." He took a deep breath, as if to get as much fresh air into his lungs as possible. "...Still smell the dead. In the heat, it was terrible."
Cora sensed that it was incredibly difficult for him to tell her that, but when he wanted to take another sip out of his bottle, she decided to take it from him anyway and she hoped to God that he would let her.
"Come, let me take that," Cora said as soothingly as she could, while she wound the bottle out of his fingers. Robert was so far gone that he didn't even seem to notice or didn't seem to mind in any case. He looked at her and began speaking again.
"I can still hear them. The cries. The terrible cries. You can't imagine, how wounded men scream and we couldn't do anything. We couldn't get to them, we just couldn't..." He trailed off.
Cora suddenly realized that he was feeling guilty. She had never actually thought about what it must have been like. She never thought that soldiers were more than just those groomed men in their dashing uniforms.
"I failed them. I failed my men," Robert whispered so softly she almost couldn't hear him anymore.
"It wasn't your fault." She told him once and then again and again.
For a while, they sat silently, Cora still holding him close. Suddenly, Robert started sobbing openly. His whole body shuddered violently and Cora tightened her hold around his shoulders. To her relief, he didn't reject her and instead, he put his arms around her and buried his face into her neck, crying and sobbing like a baby. Robert reeked of alcohol, and his tears and possibly other things as well, were wetting her nightgown but it didn't matter. All Cora wanted was to hold him tight and chase his demons away. She wasn't sure if she could actually achieve the latter but she would certainly try. That night, she learned that a war could, and did, wound even the strongest men, and that they had wounds, which could not be seen on the outside but were buried deep inside of their souls. Now she knew that her Robert was a changed man.
"Shhhh, let it all out, darling. I'm here, love, I'm here. Let it all go." Cora soothed him until the sobs and shudders subsided and he had gotten quieter.
In fact, Robert had gotten so quiet, that she feared he had fallen asleep, which would have been a bit unfortunate since there was no way she could get a sleeping Robert back to the house on her own. But then he took another deep breath, raised his head, and looked her in the eyes. His eyes were still rather glassy and he needed a moment to focus them, but after he'd managed that, he slurred as tenderly as he was able to in his state: "Cora, you're such a wonderful woman. I love you and I ever will." And with that, he kissed her on the mouth, which to Cora's surprise and relief, he found on his first try.
Cora had heard all sorts of things about the possible behavior of drunken men; most of which was quite frankly frightening to her. Since her husband had never really been drunk in her presence, she didn't know how he would behave. When their lips met, she kissed him back, but Cora could taste the whiskey and for a split second she feared that he would try to go further and want something more; which Cora really wasn't in the mood for since she found the taste rather unpleasant. But luckily the gentleman in him was still functional, and Robert was obviously not that kind of person, because he soon pulled back and tried to get up, which proved a bit more difficult then he had expected.
"Oh my God," he breathed and came to a stand, swaying rather badly back and forth.
"Cora?" He asked without looking at her, focusing on remaining upright.
"Yes, darling?" Cora had gotten up as well, but didn't quite know whether to try to support him or leave him alone.
"Would you help me?" He was whispering again and she realized he meant more then just help getting him back to the house.
She was standing in front of him and Robert was still looking down at his unsteady feet. But now she wasn't sure whether he was just trying to hold his balance or if he was purposefully avoiding her eyes for fear of rejection. Now, it was her turn to kiss him. Cora couldn't help herself, so strong was the surge of love and happiness that had just washed over her. She took his face into her hands and looked into his eyes.
"Of course I will. I always will." Just before her lips found his, she saw a light returning to his eyes that she had been missing for the last two months, without even realizing it until now.
"But I don't quite know how. I'm afraid, you'll have to tell me." She said.
"Well, try putting your arm around me so I can lean on you a bit. I try not to be too much of a burden."
"You will never be a burden to me." Cora answered while she put her right arm around him so that she could at least try to keep him steady on their way back. She hoped dearly that he would remember all of this the coming morning. And so slowly but steadily they made it back to the house without another word. For the time being, everything seemed to have been said. Cora even managed to keep Robert from tumbling into a rather large vase in the hallway. The crash certainly would have woken up the whole house, and that would have caused embarrassment beyond all imagination.
"Oops, shit... sorry," was all he managed to say, and Cora had to fight surprisingly hard to not burst into laughter at this.
Update: Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing! You've all been very kind and I appreciate it very much indeed! Good news is, there'll be more. Bad news is, Robert's going to have a hangover...;)