Life...
Life is unfair, unpredictable...
Some things in life weren't meant to happen, but they did anyway; and other times some things supposed to happen never occured. Like a fleeting thought, a wish or maybe a dream. Like water escaping through our fingers. It slipped away from us, it slipped away from all of us.
He is standing in front of the memorial stone, mismatched eyes tracing the familiar letters etched into the desolate stone. He knows them by heart, the engravings, something that saddens him more than he is willing to admit. He wishes it didn't have to be like this, but it is anyway.
He is aware of that and it hurts deep down, hurts so badly it makes him want to keel over and scream in agony. The reluctant survivor, the lone member of team 7. Oh god, please don't let it be this way. It wasn't her time to go. This wasn't supposed to happen. Someone save her, save him, save her!
His hands are shaking from sorrow, from stress and guilt. He hasn't been able to sleep for two days. No, he can't continue living a normal life without her. The guilt is too much, the longing for her too strong. He wants to kill them; kill the emotions, get rid of them. It's too much for this young boy to handle. Take them away!
Had she been here, things wouldn't be like this. If she was here, she would find a way to reach him, find a way for her words to reach his heart.
"Are you crying, Kakashi?" is what she would have said. And he would have lied, said "No, I'm okay," and if it had been someone else other than her, they would have believed in his lie. But he couldn't lie to her like he could lie to himself.
Yes, he can imagine her coffeebrown eyes tinkle in the dark evening, seeing past his meek lie. And she would have said, "It's okay, Kakashi. It's okay. It wasn't your fault."
And he would have belived her, because she had always had this strange power of making him believe. Of making him feel better. And perhaps the memory of her is enough to make him trust her past statement. It should be enough.
It really should.
But it isn't.