99 Problems

Here we go. Another day. Let's get started, shall we?

Step One: Get the training area ready.

I always get up an hour ahead of schedule to give myself more time. When you're as old and rough as I am, it never hurts to be early. I make it to the training area with a pile of blasters in-hand. I try to keep them balanced so they don't fall over. Unfortunately, they do.

Blast!

Now they're scattered all over the floor. So I bend down and start picking them back up one by one. I notice that some of their parts have broken off. And that's when it starts.

Look what you've done! You've broken the blasters! How are the cadets gonna train now? Can't you do something right for once?

I shake my head and try to block it out as I gather the missing parts. Luckily, I'm able to put them back on. Once the blasters are ready, I set them in place and walk towards the exit. But then…

How do you know one of those things won't fall over and shoot a hole in the wall? Or even in one of the cadets? Are you just gonna walk away and let that happen?

I stop dead in my tracks and sit with these thoughts. After a few seconds, I sigh and head back over to the blasters. I double check them to make sure they won't fall over. Only then can I leave the training area.

Step Two: Clean the mess hall after breakfast.

I wait for the other clones to finish eating and then head inside with a mop and a bucket of soapy water. There's the usual stuff, like empty wrappers and runaway napkins. Those things I can just pick up and throw away. But then there's the spilled drinks, misfired condiments and globs of…whatever was being served that day. Those are the things I need the mop for. The mopping itself is pretty easy. But it's after the mopping is done when the trouble really begins.

That's a pretty big puddle of water there. How do you know one of the cadets won't slip and break something? Do you even care?

"Of course I…"

No. Don't argue with them. Just keep going.

I go back, get rid of the puddle and then start to leave. But…

It wouldn't kill you to clean it again, you know. Or do you want everyone to think you're a failure?

I try to ignore it. I try to move on. I try to push these thoughts to the back of my head and get on with my day.

I can't.

I clean the entire mess hall again. See why I start early now?

Step Three: Clean the halls.

This is my least favorite part of the job. Not because there's a ton to clean. But because the halls themselves are so long and confusing. And given that I'm not the most…agile clone around here, it's especially hard for me to cover every inch of these halls without getting lost.

Now I know how a mouse droid feels. But at least mouse droids don't have to carry brooms and rags with them…

I clean the floors and windows while trying not to bump into any of the cadets walking by. The windows are fairly simple since there's rarely anything on them. But then I notice that one of the windows has a small scratch on it. I wipe the window quickly and start to clean the next one until…

How do you know something won't hit that window and break it? Imagine the glass flying everywhere, people getting cut and bleeding…

"Quiet…"

I know that talking to the thoughts doesn't help, but ignoring them is like trying to ignore your own mind when it desperately wants to get your attention. I know that's hard to imagine, but…it's the best way I can describe it.

I go back to cleaning the floors, but my mind keeps going back to that blasted window.

You know the other clones look down on you, right? They think you're weak. And you're only proving them right by slacking off…

"I said quiet!"

I catch myself talking out loud again. Some of the cadets are staring at me now. I shake my head and try to focus on sweeping. While I'm working, one of the younger cadets leaves his group and approaches me.

"Are you alright? Do you need help?"

I recognize the cadet. The others call him Beeswax, since he's always asking about other people's business.

"Oh…don't worry. I'm fine. You just go along with the others. I've got it."

Beeswax looks unconvinced, but he keeps walking so that he doesn't get left behind. Once my least favorite part of the job is done, it's back to the mess.

Step Four: Clean the mess hall after lunch.

This is basically the same as cleaning after breakfast. The only difference is that since it's later in the day, the boys tend to be a bit more rowdy. And today is no exception.

A fight…great…

Not only is their food scattered everywhere, but chairs and tables are knocked over as well. And I think you know what that means…

You should probably check the underside of that table again.

Are you sure that chair is in the right place?

What if someone slips on that pickle?

How do you know there isn't more gum stuck in that waste bin?

Maybe you should clean the halls one more time…

I'm exhausted by the time I'm done. And I'm only halfway through the day.

Step Five: Clean the training area.

Thankfully, this is the easiest part of the job. I mean sure, there's the occasional practice droid to carry and the unlikely chance that a detonator went off and left a mark on one of the walls. But aside from that, it's just taking the blasters from their set positions and bringing them back to where I got them from.

I slowly make my way down one of the halls, making sure the blasters don't fall from my hands this time. I keep my eyes peeled to make sure I don't bump into anyone. Then suddenly, I hear Beeswax walk up behind me.

"Hey uh…99?"

I stop and turn around to look at him. I notice that he's got a blaster in his hand.

"I think you dropped this…"

"Oh, uh…I did?"

"Yeah. I'll put it in that pile for you."

While he places the blaster with the others in my hands, I start to worry.

What if I dropped more? What if one of them gets set off? What if someone gets hurt?

"Did…did you see anymore back there?"

"Uh…no. I don't think so."

"I should go back and check."

"Wait, 99…"

I start to move back towards the training area. But after a couple steps, I trip and fall to the floor. The blasters scatter everywhere while passing clones try not to step on them.

"99!"

Beeswax leans down next to me and helps me get back up on my feet.

"Thanks, Beeswax."

Once I'm standing again, I get right to recollecting the blasters.

"I can help you with this."

"It's alright. I've got it under control."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You just run along. I'll be okay."

Beeswax looks even more worried than before. But with his group going to dinner, he keeps walking.

Eventually, I pick all of the blasters back up and return them to where I got them earlier. I feel like going back to bed and falling asleep. But there's still one more job left to do.

Step Six: Clean the mess hall after dinner.

Fortunately, this is the last time I have to visit this place for the day. However, it's also when the mess hall is at its most…messy. Discarded food, dropped utensils, fallen chairs…you name it, it's there. This is also when the thoughts get really bad. There are some nights where I end up staying in here for over three hours just from checking and double checking over and over again. I'm tired and sore all over. But I keep telling myself to work just a little longer.

You're almost there. After this, you can rest all night and eat and drink whatever you want.

So I get to work. And try to deal with all of the thoughts that come with it.

Clean this again.

Check that again.

Wipe this more.

Scrape that more.

Lift every chair and table a million times while doing backflips on a goose.

Okay, I made up that last one. But would you honestly be surprised?

After what feels like an eternity, the entire mess hall is finally clean. For a moment, I actually feel satisfied with what I've done. I feel…proud. But then the thoughts come back.

You call that clean? Look at the lint under that table!

You probably forgot to fix the dispensers again.

Those chairs aren't where they should be.

What if those juices left stains on the floor?

How do you know someone else won't come in the middle of the night and leave more for you to clean?

You might as well just sleep here.

Unless you want them to think you aren't doing your job.

Why are you so slow?

Why are you so lazy?

Why do you put up with this?

You'd rather be fighting with the others, wouldn't you?

Or do you actually like being a nobody who just cleans up after everyone all day?

You'll never amount to anything.

You'll always just be a defect.

A nobody.

A useless waste of space.

"SHUT UP!"

I've never yelled that loud before. I can hear my voice echo through the mess. I sit down on one of the chairs and try to calm down. I close my eyes and rub my face with my dry, cut-up hands. But the thoughts just keep coming.

I'm gonna be stuck like this forever…I'm so tired…I can't do this…I can't…

"99!"

I look up towards the voice. I see Beeswax running over to me. He looks me in the eyes with the most worried expression I've ever seen on a cadet.

"99…is something wrong?"

I wanna tell him I'm fine. I wanna tell him I can handle it. But I can't. Not anymore.

"…Yes, Beeswax. There's something wrong."

Beeswax takes a seat next to me and I try my best to explain it to him. I'm afraid he won't understand. That he'll think I'm nuts. That he'll always think of me as that strange old defected clone who wanders around and talks to himself all day. But I can tell that he doesn't see me that way. I can tell he understands.

"I…I know what you're talking about! I have those kinds of thoughts, too. A lot, actually."

"And…how do you deal with them?"

"Well…if I think of something that I know isn't true, I take a moment to remind myself that it isn't true. Then I take a deep breath and I keep going. I mean, it doesn't always work and there are days where the thoughts are harder to deal with than usual. But doing that works a lot for me! Maybe it can work for you, too."

I think about it for a moment. Then I smile and stand back up.

"Alright. I'll give it a shot."

I look around the mess hall for a moment. Then I take a deep breath and talk to myself out loud.

"The mess hall is clean. I'm done here."

After that, I leave the mess with Beeswax. I thank him for the advice and he tells me to come see him whenever I need help. Then we both head back to our rooms. After a long day of working, I sit up in my bed and have a nice meal before drifting off to sleep.

And the next day, I try Beeswax's advice.

"The blasters are ready."

"The mess hall is clean."

"The windows are clean."

"The floors are clean."

"The blasters are put away."

"I'm done."

I'm done.

Like Beeswax said, there are days where the thoughts get worse and I have to take a longer time to calm down than usual. But this method he taught me has really helped me in the long run. I'm getting my work done much faster and I'm a lot less stressed than I used to be. In fact, my work seems to be getting easier and easier by the day. I still talk with Beeswax pretty often and we share our experiences dealing with these thoughts. We've been a great help to each other. And we're even starting to speak with other clones who have the same issues that we do.

My thoughts have gotten a lot easier for me to handle since then. And while they're still there and probably always will be, they're nowhere near as big of a hindrance as they used to be. So I'm gonna keep doing my work and offering help whenever I can.

After all…it's what I was bred for.