Severus Snape was not pleased.
He didn't know why. At all. For once, everything in his miserable existence was going his way.
"I just don't understand," he muttered, pacing in a deserted corridor. "Everything is perfect! When I looked in the mirror this morning, my teeth were mysteriously whiter, and seemed to have straightened out considerably. My hair was fine and soft instead of ridiculously greasy. I discovered that my nose had become aquiline instead of huge and hooked. When I showered, I noticed that my body had become toned, and my slight paunch had been replaced by firm stomach muscles!
Snape paused for breath, glowered at nothing, and then continued.
"When I went to Albus this morning to see if he knew anything about this, I was informed that due to the Ministry's tomfoolery, I was to be married to a 24 year old woman immediately. Me! Married! Actual sex! I never thought that would happen again! And it's not even some bimbo, but Hermione Granger, incredibly sharp girl. I should be thrilled!
The pacing continued, and the glowering intensified.
"To top it all off, Albus gave me the Defense Against the Darks Arts job today! What the fuck? I've wanted it for years, but it's always been 'No Severus,' or 'Maybe next year Severus.' But now I finally have it, and I'm still not pleased! WHY AM I NOT PLEASED?!
"Because," said Dumbledore, who had a creepy habit of showing up randomly, "these sorts of things only happen to you in fanfiction, my dear boy. And I'm afraid that your fanfiction writer is in a bit of a snit, and she's taking it out on you. Playing God like that makes her feel marginally better. I'm afraid you'll just have to bear it."
With that, Dumbledore grinned, popped a candy into his mouth, and disappeared, leaving behind a bitterly weeping Severus Snape in the middle of the corridor.