Kissing You

Disclaimer--Not mine. I'm just playing

AN WARNING! I have changed things up a bit. The POV's will be revolving, and idea that I got from Hakkai's Lady's story "Green and Gray." She gave me the permission to use that and found the song lyrics. I LOVE YOU HAKKAI'S LADY! And BIG thanks to my betas Eris and Oreopet. Without you two I wouldn't have posted more.

Pride can stand
A thousand Trials
The Strong will never fall
But watching Stars without You
My Soul cried
Grieving heart is full of Pain
of, of The Aching

'Cause I'm Kissing You, oh
I'm Kissing You, Love

Touch Me Deep
Pure and True
Gift to Me Forever

'Cause I'm Kissing You, oh
I'm Kissing You, Love

Where are You now?
Where are You now?
'Cause I'm Kissing You
I'm Kissing You

Lyrics to "Kissing You" by Des'ree one of my all time favorite love songs

Chapter 1:

Severus had been gone for three months nine days and roughly twelve hours, and I'd thought about him for almost every one of those days. I hated that I knew that. The odd part is that I think I'd hate myself even more if I didn't know that. I caught myself lying in bed trying to do the math and figure out exactly what time it is in Tahiti. He might not even be there anymore, for all I knew. Even though I was the one calling the shots, I felt so helpless. My life had been turned upside down, and I didn't even know where to begin anymore.

I think I've spent my entire life looking for some kind of control. I wanted to find a way that I could change the outcomes that I feared the most. I was afraid that I would spend my life never knowing what it was like to really compete like other kids, so I started playing basketball. I was afraid I wouldn't have friends that I could depend on, so I clung to the true friends I found. I was afraid for the future of the children who didn't have anywhere to turn, so I started work on the center. You get the idea. I guess I thought that I'd worked everything out. It took Ginny's death and Severus almost dying before I realized exactly how stupid I'd been. I learned the hard way that no matter how much I tried, I couldn't control other people's actions, only my reactions. For the first time since I was a kid, I was completely helpless to change the way things were going. I couldn't protect Severus from Ginny, anymore than I could protect Ginny from herself. And isn't that what you do when you love someone? You take care of them, and keep them safe. After all, I was the reason this whole thing started.

My guilty conscience was killing me. I'd look at the scars on him and remember that I'd put them there. I didn't fire the gun, but I was just as responsible. He would have stayed if hadn't told him to go. I know that he loved me as much as I love him. But that was why I couldn't hold him back anymore. There were so many things out there for him . This whole time, I had hurt him, and kept him here. He deserved more.

Sometimes, I would picture him walking barefoot in the moonlight on the beach. I could almost see the look of disgust on his face as the water washes up to his feet. The light is sparkling on the water and makes his pale face almost look like it's shining. A wind catches his long, black hair. And in that fantasy, I'm there with him. That dream would come to me even in the middle of the day. I would be sitting at my desk on minute, and imagining him the next. I hadn't had daydreams like that since I was seventeen years old.

Everyone around me could see my inner war. Remus was used to this kind of thing with me. I was lucky enough to have a "father" who would wait for me to confront my own demons and share them with him. We were spending the evening at their--well, actually Severus's--condo. Between my godfather and his lover, Draco, I was now forced to eat more of the gourmet junk that I hated. Remus eyed me carefully as he loaded the dishwasher. "Severus called last night," he told me.

I took a bite of one of the cookies Ellen had sent over for me. "Oh?" I asked with my mouth full.

He nodded. "Tahiti was too hot for him. He finally moved on to Moscow. His publisher has his contact information for you, and he says you can always email him if you should want to speak with him."

I knew exactly what Remy was implying, but I wasn't ready for that. "I won't bother him on his trip. Moscow might just suit him."

"It might," he agreed sitting down beside me. I could always tell when he had something important to say, because he would never say it standing. He got to my eyelevel. " Harry, if you don't love him, you should tell him. Letting him wait in Tahiti for you was one of the most idiotic and cruel things I have ever heard of."

"You sound like Draco," I said frowning.

"Well, it just so happens Draco has the correct idea on this mess. This isn't like you, Harry. In the beginning, I was afraid of him hurting you, but it seems I've had that a bit backward."

"Why do you think I told him to go?"

He sighed. "I've told you a million times--it wasn't your fault."

I shrugged. There was nothing I could say to make him understand. I'm sure if Draco had been shot he'd know why I couldn't call him. And I could think of quite a few people who might want to shoot the pain in the ass.

The evening seemed to drag on after that. Remus and Draco were two of the most annoyingly romantic people I knew. Even Ron and Hermione's puppy love back in high school wasn't this bad. They were constantly kissing and touching. The staff at Zora's nearly gagged every time they saw them, and I wasn't far behind them. In the living room, Draco practically sat on Remus' lap. I had to bite back the memory of doing almost the same thing on that couch when Severus was here. At that point, I just couldn't take anymore.

I excused myself and drove home. Rolling through the door, I was greeted by the sight of my one roommate, Luna Lovegood, sitting upside down on couch reading a manga while listening to some sort of strange tribal music. "You should try this sometime, Harry," she said in her usual spacey tone.

"No thanks. Have you seen Tonks?" I asked. Nymphadora Tonks was the roommate that at least had occasional contact with the real world.

"She went out with Charlie."

I groaned. Even Tonks was in love. Luna and I were the only single people in the whole fucking world, I thought sometimes. She did give me a scare one time when she said that we should get married. After Ginny, I was wary of women and their feelings, but Luna most certainly wasn't Ginny.

Luna and I had known each other since high school. We had similar family situations, and I kind of felt bad for her. She didn't always act the way other people act. The stranger, the better was how she saw things. Her father owned a tabloid magazine, and I guess that's where she got it from. It didn't make her life any easier, just like being a disabled teenager didn't make mine any easier. I wasn't about to judge her. Over the years, we're actually become really good friends. She was one of the first people to start doing volunteer work at the center after her day job. So when I bought this place and decided to rent out the upstairs rooms, I was glad to have her..

Tonks, on the other hand, is someone that I only met fairly recently. She started volunteering a few hours a week at the center a year ago, and now she's the new assistant director. She's almost impossible not to like. The kids adore her. She's got a fun, adventurous way about her that works well at the center. Also, Tonks knows how to roll with the punches. Not much seems to rattle her.

Being a gay man who's never really spent much time with women, you'd think that I would have had a harder time adjusting to life with two of them. I admit, finding a box of tampons sitting on the kitchen counter isn't exactly something I like. I haven't exactly gotten used to seeing Tonks running around nude either. But, I really do like living here. The two of them keep me busy. Tonks is always up for a swim or shooting some hoops. Luna makes sure the house is well stocked with junk food and anime. Life is generally good, but I just can't help missing one person.

Severus follows me around like a ghost. I can't get away from all of the memories we shared. He gave me the most love that anyone ever has. He never made me feel broken, or less than a man. He did his best to make me happy. I can still remember how perfect it was dancing with him in the pool. For the first time, I was ready to spend my life with someone. I can't help it, I miss him.

So what do you think? More reviews will make me write quicker!