A/N: So I know that last thing I should be doing is starting something new. But I have to get this frustration about Brittana's direction in the show out somehow. This is the first in a weekly series of how Santana feels about everything. It will tie in with what happens on the show, so updates will probably be on Friday or Saturday.

Don't worry, I'm still busy with the new A Silent Song chapter (which will ease our cracked Brittana hearts, methinks) and my other fics will not be neglected.

Would love to hear what you guys think! :)

Onward and up!

-H

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :( (Not sure who would want to at this point..)

CHAPTER 1: Big Girls Don't Cry

I zipped my suitcase closed and stood it against the wall of the corner that I'd been designated in Rachel and Kurt's loft.

Well, I guess it's my loft now too.

Surprisingly, they didn't kick up a fuss at all about me moving in. The Lima Rachel that I remember would have definitely ranted on in a four-part monologue, listing the reasons why I couldn't simply invite myself into their apartment. But she hadn't.

I think Kurt was more savvy to my desires to be in New York. And Rachel had definitely felt my reluctance to return to Louisville after the whole student film nakedness mess a few weeks ago.

My phone vibrated against my boob and I pulled it out, wincing when I saw who was calling me.

Now or never.

"Hola, Mami," I greeted cheerfully, sitting on the mattress that Kurt had set out for me.

"Santana, would you care to explain to me this confirmation letter from the University of Louisville stating that you are no longer a student there?"

I grimaced and then sighed. "Lo siento. I should have told you. I just…I didn't want you to be disappointed in me."

"Santana." I could hear her sigh and I bit my lip. "I could never be disappointed in you for following your dream. I am disappointed that you lied to me, though."

I swallowed. She was right. God, she'd given me what amounted to a small fortune and I'd pretty much thrown it in her face. "You're right. I'm so sorry. I was…scared, I guess."

"And what is Santana Lopez's first reaction to fear? Run away," Mami said dryly. "Are you in New York?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Where are you staying?"

"I've moved in with Rachel and Kurt."

"Are they ok with that?"

"Actually, yeah. They're totally fine with it."

"Santana, what's your plan? I support you one hundred percent, but you need a plan."

"I know. Hummelberry have the low down on what's going on here so I'm going to talk to them first and then I'll take it from there."

"Ok." She paused. "Did you speak to Brittany?"

My heart clenched and I pulled my knees up to my chest. Losing her again was still a very fresh wound. A wound that would probably never heal. "Um, y-yeah. She actually gave me the courage to just bite the bullet and take this leap."

"Well, I suppose I should be grateful to her for that."

"Hmmm." I didn't know what else to say.

"I'm sorry, Santana. I'm just trying to process this whole thing. I mean, you've moved to New York and you didn't tell me. When am I going to see you?"

"I…" I sighed. "We're all coming back for Mr. Schue's wedding next week so I'll see you then."

"All right. I'd like it if we could get together and talk a bit."

"Absolutely. I…I love you, Mami. I really am sorry that I didn't tell you."

"Apology accepted. Be safe, mi amor. And keep me updated on how things go, si?"

"I will," I promised.

"Bye."

I dropped my phone on the mattress and flopped back against it. I grimaced as I felt the springs digging into my back.

First order of business. Get myself a frigging bed.

"Santana?"

I looked up and saw Kurt and Rachel standing at the entrance to my bedroom. Well, bed area. There weren't any walls separating the rooms. A sudden thought entered my head.

I'm going to need earplugs. They both have new squeezes and the last thing I need is to listen to either of them having sex. Especially when…

Especially when I wouldn't be because Brittany had chosen Sam. Over me. She'd chosen Sam over me.

I'd obviously made a face at that thought because Rachel came and sat next to me.

"What happened?"

I scoffed and stared at the high ceiling, my arm resting on my forehead. "I grew a pair of cahones and decided to follow my dream. Like you guys did."

I knew they were doing the Hummelberry look-at-each-other-and-read-each-other's-mind thing. I remembered being able to do that with Britt. Shaking my head subtly, I closed my eyes.

"Santana, what happened?" Kurt asked. The way that he asked it told me that he wasn't asking why I was in New York. He was asking why I wasn't my usual chipper self.

Ha.

I sighed. "She chose Sam."

"Oh, honey." The mattress dipped and I felt Kurt take my hand. "I'm so sorry."

I shrugged. "I broke up with her. It's my fault. I was just too chicken to actually admit that to myself. I just…why didn't she tell me? Why did I have to find out from Tina of all people? We're supposed to be friends. Best friends. She…she should've told me," I finished quietly.

"You still love her." It wasn't a question. And Rachel wasn't wrong. I did. So, so very much.

"I could never not love Brittany. But…" I sat up abruptly. "I just fucked everything up. Again. Like I always do."

"Whoa, what happened to the Santana Lopez who walked in here an hour ago and told us that she was moving in? That girl has diva written all over her. And that's the girl that's going to make it in New York."

I looked at Kurt with a grateful smile.

"Santana," Rachel said hesitantly, shuffling a little closer to me. "I think that I can speak for both Kurt and myself when I say that it might be best for you if you let go of what's in Lima."

I furrowed my brow. Forget Brittany?

"I think what Rachel's trying to say is that none of our relationships worked out because we were being pulled in different directions. Let's face reality here. We're not in high school anymore. Brittany is. And she's going to be there until at least June."

"Watch it, Porcelain," I snapped, holding up a finger. "My relationship is very different to either of yours. Brittany and I have been best friends since we were kids. We've also been together since we were fourteen. That's way longer than either of your relationships. We're not a drop in the ocean. We are the fucking ocean."

Rachel sighed. "We're not underplaying your relationship with Brittany. I think it was very clear to everyone that you two have something special. Last year was a big eye opener for me. I got to see the biggest bitch in McKinley history smiling and serenading her girlfriend without a care in the world. Why do you think I asked you if we could try being friends?"

I looked down at my hands. Hobbit had a point.

"It just…she deserves better than him. She got a 2340 on her SATs. She can do anything, go anywhere. I mean, I always knew she could, but now she's got millions of doors open to her and I don't want Guppy Face holding her back. Like…" I trailed off.

"Like you think you did?" Kurt shook his head. "Santana, you believed in Brittany. You've always believed in her. Even when the rest of us thought she was nothing but an airhead cheerleader. You made us see that she's so much more."

I shook my head to myself. What the hell? No, I did not come here to join the frigging Bleeding Hearts Society. I stood up abruptly. "Whatever. I'm over it. I'm in New York and I'll be damned if I fuck this up." The too was silent in my head, but it packed a punch.

"Well, it's Saturday, so how about we hit the city streets and you get your shop on?" Kurt suggested.

"Yes!" Rachel squealed, clapping her hands together, sounding very Lima Rachel.

I straightened my jacket. "Lady Hummel, amaze me with your gay and help me decorate this place."

"Excellent." Kurt stood up. "I know exactly where to go."

A few hours and, surprisingly, not a very big dent in my savings later, we stumbled back to the loft, weighed down with bags of clothes (because, duh, it's New York. And...Kurt) and décor items.

As much as I loathed to admit it, I had fun with Hummelberry. Granted, I had only been in their company for a few hours, but it was longer than I'd managed to stand them before. By the time the loft was dark, I was actually very happy with how my little nook looked.

We'd found a gorgeous four-poster bed for virtually nothing, bought a new mattress, some sheets and throw pillows. Kurt apparently knew some burly boys that were only too happy to help carry the bed up to the loft. As always, my Bob Marley poster was hanging proudly against the wall. We'd found a vintage nightstand and matching desk. Kurt said that it would need a good sanding and revarnish, so I stepped back and let him do his thing. He was busy with that as Rachel was cooking dinner for all of us.

"Hey, babe, I'm home!" a deep voice sounded throughout the apartment.

I raised an eyebrow and squared my shoulders. Time to meet Finn 2.0. I walked through the curtain that we'd hung to close my bedroom off to the rest of the apartment and squared my shoulders. I did enjoy a good judgemental bitch out.

"Hi, Brody!" Kurt chimed and I smirked at the slight disdain concealed in his tone. Oh, I was definitely going to have some fun with this.

I entered the kitchen area and opened the fridge, making sure to bend very slowly. Hey, if this boy was going to be living with me, I needed to check that he wasn't a complete douche.

"Rachel, please tell me you have some good wine in here," I called from behind the fridge.

"Uh, um, yes, we do."

I smirked. She sounded peeved. Good. Now to see if this Brody character was as obvious as I hoped. I pulled out a bottle from the bottom shelf and stood up, closing the door. My eyes met a pair of blue ones staring at me. They didn't come close to the most amazing blue eyes in the world, but I cocked my head as the new boy gave me the once over. I saw the glint in his eyes and nodded to myself.

Yup. Douchebag alert. Not surprising. Kurt has always been a pro bullshit detector.

"Um, Brody, this is Santana. She's from Lima. She just moved in." Rachel was glaring at me, but I just glanced at her coolly before glancing down at the bottle in my hands.

"Oh," he said in surprise. After a few moments, he stepped forward with his hand outstretched. "Um, it's a pleasure. Always great to meet one of Rachel and Kurt's friends."

"Hmmm," was all I said, returning the firm grip.

"Brody, could I ask your opinion on something in our bedroom?" Rachel asked quickly. The emphasis on our wasn't lost on me.

"Sure."

I almost laughed out loud. While he'd been ogling my smokin' bod not a minute before, he followed Rachel like a puppy dog. Kurt sidled up to me and held out a hand. I tapped it slightly and smiled.

"While I appreciate the show you just created, Rachel is your friend and I would advise that you tread lightly."

"Oh, please. You know I'm here to keep shit real," I protested with a grin. I grabbed the bottle opener from the counter. "As you said, Rachel is my friend so it's my duty, as is it yours, to douche-proof the guys she dates. And he," I pointed with the metal contraption in the vicinity of Rachel's bedroom, "set my alarms a-ringing."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yes, Brody has his…moments. But he does treat Rachel well."

"Does he eye-sex every girl that walks past like he was doing to me?" I asked bluntly.

"I wouldn't know. We, uh, don't really hang out."

I tutted. "And you're berating me for sussing him out? Lady Hummel, aka kettle, meet pot. You're both black."

Kurt grinned. "I think you and I are going to enjoy living together."

"You know, I think you may just be right."

I had just stepped out of the shower and was heading back to my room, when I almost collided with another body. I gripped my towel around me tighter.

"Jesus!" I snapped. "I thought we'd left Gigantor back in Ohio!"

"Uh, sorry, Santana," Brody said with an apologetic smile.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, Barry. Just watch where you're going."

I stepped past him, walked a few feet and turned back around. As expected, his eyes shot up quickly. I smirked. "Listen up, Backstreet Boy. I always know when someone's staring at my ass. It's like my sixth sense. And hell, I don't blame you. It's banging. You'd do well to remember two things, though. One: there's a pretty awesome girl in there that for some reason thinks that you're worth her time. Staring at my bodacious ass does not encourage my belief that you feel the same. So I suggest you stop."

I turned around, but his voice halted me.

"What was the other thing?"

I smiled. I did love how easy people were to manipulate. I turned back to him slowly. "Secondly, a little tidbit for you. I'd sleep with Rachel before you got within a hand's reach of me. Comprender?"

"Uh, not really. You want to have sex with my girlfriend?"

"And people wonder why I'm a lesbian," I said instead, giving him a warning look before heading into my room.

A few minutes later, I was under my new comforter and snuggled with my phone. I was staring at a message that I'd received while I was in the shower. From Brittany.

How's NY? Have you killed Rachel yet? Miss you. xxx B

I wanted to tell her that I missed her and loved her and wished so much that she was with me or that I was with her. But I couldn't. I had been totally willing to take Sue's offer because it'd mean that I would be close to Brittany. And if I was close to Brittany, maybe she'd remember why we loved each other.

Why we love each other.

Or at least why I love her.

Did she even love me anymore? The thought that she might not made my heart ache. I squeezed my eyes closed. Why was this so damn hard? Yeah, Louisville had been miserable after our break up. Even the super hot Cardinals that I was around all the time didn't really mean much.

I grimaced as I remembered the look on Brittany's face when I'd introduced Elaine. Yeah, so I'd paid her to pretend to be my girlfriend, but we actually had hooked up at a party one time. It was…average.

That's what I was petrified of. Any girl that I was with would be compared to Britt. It was unavoidable. I would always love her the most. And that's why I was totally screwed. And not in the way I wanted to be. I hadn't had sex since October. With Brittany, before we'd broken up. October. Me. No sex. The last time I hadn't had sex in that long was when I was still a virgin and Brittany and I hadn't discovered our secret sweet lady kisses yet.

And damn. Those sweet lady kisses were sorely missed.

I took a deep breath and quickly typed out a message.

NY is awesome so far. We went shopping today and my room's all tricked out. Kurt is the best gay shopping buddy a girl could ask for. Don't tell him I told you that. Haven't killed Rachel yet. I think she might kill me because her boytoy was making goo goo eyes at my ass. Miss you more. S

It wasn't too late so I hoped she'd reply. Also, it was Saturday night. Heck, maybe she was out with Trouty. Or maybe she was in with him…

I shook my head and blinked away the thoughts. I knew Britt and Sam had probably slept together but that didn't mean that I wanted to actually know about it.

Best friend. Best friend.

I had to repeat the words because that's what we were. And not the best friends that we were in high school. I couldn't not have Britt in my life. I'm pretty sure she knew that I was still in love with her. She'd always been able to read me like a book. In fact, she'd told me once I was her favourite book. I think that was in my top five list of things Brittany has ever said. Number one was pretty obvious, even if it didn't apply anymore.

When she'd left me in the auditorium the previous afternoon, I had to push all my emotion into Girl on Fire. It was a song that totally captured what I was feeling. I needed to get out, do something. Be better.

For her? Maybe…

"Sam and I are going to Breadstix tonight to pretend to be British."

They went to Breadstix. On a Friday night. Their date night.

"Like how we're not together anymore and it's ok, but it still hurts a little bit. Especially on Fridays cos that was our date night."

I wished more than anything that I'd kissed her then. Just taken everything back and kissed her and told her that I missed her so much and that I didn't want her dating anyone else ever. No one but me.

But I couldn't. Not now. I was too late. She'd chosen Sam.

"And he makes me feel really smart."

Did I not make her feel smart? Is that why she chose him over me? Did she feel like I had treated her badly? I mean, yeah, I did before senior year. But things changed between us that summer. We went into senior year stronger than ever and she knew that I loved her and only her. Was it because I hid her for so long? Because I hid who I was?

The buzzing of my phone shook me from my inner turmoil and when the screen was blurry, I realised that I was crying. I hurriedly wiped my eyes. I couldn't cry.

You're a big girl now. And big girls don't cry.

Yeah, big girls don't cry. They put on a brave face even when the girl they love is with someone else. Is happy with someone else. Because that someone else makes them feel smart and special.

Which, it seems, I didn't. Well, I did, but maybe it was too little too late. My eyes flickered down to her reply.

Send me a picture! I don't blame Rachel's boyfriend for staring at your ass. It's totally awesome. Sam's here tonight so I won't be able to talk. Sweet dreams :) B.

I barely managed to return the Sweet dreams before burying my head in my pillow. I could be a big girl tomorrow. At that moment, I was a girl in love with her best friend who was about to spend the night with her boyfriend.

Sometimes big girls do cry.

A/N: So obviously it's going to be a bit angsty. I really believe that Santana does love Brittany, and that whether she's in New York or Louisville or whether Brittany's with Sam or any other guy, they do love each other. I hope I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot with this series…I guess we'll wait and see. Next week's episode will be…interesting, I think. If the show contradicts something that I've already written, I'll do my best to make it work.

Regardless of this fic, of what RIB and Co. think, Brittana is always endgame.

Onward and up!

-H

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